Looking For A Lost Memory

13

LEON

We’ve come to a stop by a lay by to swap drivers. I don’t mind stepping outside to stretch and . It also gives me time enough time to charge my phone. I haven’t turned it on yet. Im pretty afraid to see what’s left. I'm already surprised by the experiences my Grandfather has gone through, and I thought my life was crazy. I’m especially glad he wrote through his teenage years, even I wouldn't dare do something like that. 

Kaiden’s half asleep still, he doesn’t know I’ve read ahead to the Arabia part in his life yet. I'm going to have to break it to him slowly. He seemed quiet lately, I thought it was the tiredness talking but he’s acting suddenly withdrawn. I don’t know if he even wants me here, although I’m his only method of travel and I make him walking on his own as a twelve-year-old look less suspicious. I know he won’t be afraid to say it, he just knows it’s not his place to say it. Both of us have a right to read these memoirs. It’s just his selfish ways speaking.

We walk around the shopping plaza for a while, surprised it’s still open so early in the morning, but most of the shops are closed. It’s deserted. Only a couple of us from the bus wander around. It reminds me of the days Kaiden and I used to spend together. I don’t remember the last time we went out. I’ve been caught up with sport and school, he's been caught up in his introverted and arrogant ways. We’re the last ones to come back to the coach at 02:00am. I mutter a quick apology and get back to our seats. Switching on my phone, I brace myself for the number of messages I’ll probably receive. A couple of dms on i********: asking for meetups and when our entire crew can go out for a big night. If I’m heading out of town for the holidays, where I’ll be. Just as I’m about to answer them all (I don’t like leaving messages on read. I know how it feels) I stop myself remembering I can’t let anyone know about this. If we don’t come back for school, we'll be tracked. I hope it doesn’t come to that, but just looking at the lengths of the memoirs, I can already tell or guess how long it’s going to take. 

Kaiden has fallen asleep again. If only I was that age again. I'm just wondering how he can sleep easy without worrying. I'm about to switch off my phone when I notice Aunt Cassidy has sent me a message. My heart quickens in pace, hoping she hasn’t figured out our lie yet, or that Marcus hasn’t sold us out. When I open the message, it’s just a couple of reminders to get enough rest, go easy on Kaiden and if he’s talking too much, correct him. Eat enough and give her daily updates on how we are doing. Don’t eat anything that looks poisonous and stay out of trouble. I mentally breathe a sigh of relief. See in my aunt’s mind, we’ve gone on a camping trip. It was thing believable at the time and given the circumstances we were in. If we told her we were heading into a city, there’s no way, no way she'd let us go. Only on the grounds of a museum trip, but she’d probably offer to come only. I blame my past mistakes for her trust issues, I’ve had my good days, there’s still a lot to come. She reminds me to get some rest again, as if she knows I’m struggling to sleep.

__________

“You. Did. What?!” Kaiden exclaims. 

I open my eyes in annoyance as they sting against the blazing sunlight outside.

“Just, keep your voice down. Gosh, this is the first time I’ve got to sleep in 19 hours.” I groan. 

“Why would you do that?!” 

“I couldn’t help it. And plus, I was just checking, scouting out to see if it was really worth our time, and all this lying.”

“Content. Swear words, if it’s suitable for your young ears.” I mock trying to get back to sleep. Kaiden groans and turns in his chair dejectedly.

“You know, if all these people weren’t around, I’d do something.” 

“Just be quiet.” I say. He sighs in frustration and looks outside the window bored. We haven’t got long to go, but he’s growing restless. I prefer it more if he’s asleep.

“So was it then?” He asks.

“What?” I groan.

“Worth our time?” 

I stare at him unclear, until I think of Hiroshas words, and how they manage to attach to you. 

“Yes.” 

__________

I sense eyes all around me follow my every step, murmuring voices slowly creep into my ear drums. Gratefully, I've learnt how to block out and ignore the noise. Lost the best way to describe me right now. Ever since I came back, I’ve never been able to focus on anything. To think that I actually ran away a couple of days ago. They’ve noticed a unprecedented change and since then everyone's been avoiding me.

Random, sudden, silences, surround me most of the time and when they did come talk, I noticed that they're always conscious of what they said around me. I didn't mind, but some days it was a constant reminder of something I did not want to remember. As wise as it sounds I've managed to steer clear of my teammates, they get nervous when their speaking to me to make sure they don't say the wrong thing, or ask irrelevant questions that would make me go mad. 

Some days it feels like everything is frozen, like I lose control. For the first weeks I've been allowed some free time, to recover and get my sanity back. 

It's been a hard couple of days, I’ve been thinking a lot. I was warned. Why didn't I listen? My mother didn't want me to go Arabia. Why didn't I listen? She knew I wouldn't have the strength, she knew the adversity I'd come under, she knew what was coming before it came. 

The worst moments are when I can't breathe, especially in training hours. I try to hold it back, and then when I open my mouth to breathe, nothing comes through. The worst one was a few days ago. 

I was shaking like mad, I didn't know what to do, how to get Frankie’s attention without silencing the entire class. I remember looking over to Emily begging for her to turn around, to answer me. Look at me! All my despairs were unanswered. I felt my chest ringing in pain, pressure folding down on my brain. It was unusual to me so it intensified my panic. 

I need to get out of here. Frankie is still lecturing, his voice droning on, his southern drawl fading fast and giving me a headache at the same time. I manage to channel all my strength and pull myself up, run out the door without looking back. I loose all my strength in my legs like the sudden flash of lightning splitting the sky, I sunk to the ground, still trying to regain control with my breathing. I knew this would happen, one day all the missed days not using my cannula would catch up with me. Frankie chased out the door after me, clearly angry.

"If you think you can storm out-" He looked down noticing my state. I looked up at him in panic, sure I was going to die. He notices the look cast in my eye, almost recognising it.

"Well bring me the sugar of the dancing fairies." He always says the weirdest things. I'm this close to looking consciousness. He leans down taking his hat off letting his chestnut locks fall down and sweep naturally. I've never seen his hair because he basically has his hat glued to his head. He should keep it off, it looks better. He looks unrecognizable, less stern, more calmer, more approachable - It's weird the effect people have when one aspect gets removed - somehow it manages to settle my breathing, by just a tick.

"Listen, hey, hey, breathe with me, can you do that?" His tone changed to something smooth, bringing the beauty out of his harsh attitude. It was like he knew what to do, how to act, how to calm me without causing me to be afraid at my most vulnerable. I nodded slowly in response, suddenly my head dropped forward when this wave of fatigue hit me like a blast of wind. He shakes my shoulders with so much force it makes my head jerk back against the wall. 

His eyes tell me "stay here" as he jumps to his feet quickly and runs the other direction. I watch his silhouette fade and dissolve down the corridor, he shouts down the corridor for Water to cover his class. I feel betrayed, I don't want to be left here, what if Max or someone else comes out? For sure I'm done. Water comes down in annoyance huffing and puffing until he looks at the state of me. He knows immediately what it is. I see a flash of pity waver over him.

"Oh god, what have you come down with?" 

Frankie returns as he promised, relief comes over me, he sits crossed legged and presents me with an asthma pump. It's weak for my instance, but it'll help. Begrudgingly I take in, my throat feels looser, yet I still feel it. 

After I come to a calm the commotion finally exits the class, I'm not sure if they're more surprised in me or Frankie without his hat. They walk past quietly as if a ominous spell was cast over them, unsure of what to say, trying to decipher what happened, why I ran out. Did I see something or someone, did I hear something that made me angry or upset? No one questioned, it wasn't like I was going to give them an answer. 

One thing I knew was this: Frankie was decisive, he knew what to do. It was like I saw a hidden side, a hidden meaning between him, not all screams and being in a bad mood all the time. 

Once a few minutes pass, he turns to me and asks, "Are you Ready to move?"

I shake my head, wanting to stay where I am, all my bones feel heavy, I feel this intense migraine inviting itself into my head. 

"Yes you are, come on Hirosha." He takes my weight on one side of his body as I try to walk. I need a stronger supply of air. When my bones sink into the bed and fresh supply of air swirls through me, the fatigue forcibly hits me, stings my eyes and causes them to fold shut. I sense Frankie watching me cautiously. Only him and water know about my condition. 

He takes off his hat again and looks into the sky remembering something. I know I'm in hot water with well, water since he's supposed to be overseeing my health and keeping a close eye on me. In his mind I'm using the cannula. But I'm not, because I can’t. I owe it to Frankie my life, ' cause I'm sure in that little moment of me losing air, I would've surely died. In that moment, a tsunami of panic of all things I loved the most came into mind.

________

I surprisingly manage to avoid everyone in my class, wasted hours of needless revising what my excuses on not following my medical advice was pointless. I was told to see Water and Frankie before any further events took place in the day.

"Hirosha, we've told you already, if something ain't right, tell us. We know your pretty red faced and damn brave to do this with half a heart." I look at Frankie hoping to catch some kind of eye contact, but he looks away seeing to find more interest in the window, hurtfully dismissing me, hat shadowing over his eyes.

"Also, I heard you've been skipping days. And medication." He said raising his eyebrow.

"I don't want to hear it again Hirosha, understand, you've been giving something to help you live be better," he mumbles words to himself," so damn young, just use it.”

A groan comes from Frankie, and he shuffles upright.

"What?" He looks around confused, blinking violently at the light in the room.

Trust Frankie to be sleeping.