Looking For A Lost Memory

Sick

13th May - Home. Sick. Coming here, and being away for so long, I'm only starting to realise the importance of home.

It's been way too long, I'm tired and can't wait to get out of here. Ricky's speaking really fast and I know he's being purposely rude because I'm standing right here. He's one of the other people I met on the first day, I tried my best to avoid him, but I've found that practically impossible with all of them here. Once the conversation gets going, that's it. You're stuck and there's no way out unless you blatantly tell them to shut up.

Ricky comes across as reckless to me, whereas everyone else sees him as funny. I can see what they mean, he does his best to keep everyone uplifted with what looks like little or no effort. However, he seems really good at what he does and consistently comes out on top. I guess there will always be people like that exists in the world. Effortless.

The months are getting harder as they go by. I'm finding it harder and harder to communicate

some days. People tell me it's just homesickness and I'll be back to normal soon enough. I never thought I'd say the words, but I miss home. I miss home in more than words can explain. I'm sure there are words but I can't find them. If I do find the words I'm sure it'll all come out as a confusing mess. The first week was particularly fine but after that, I threw up at least 3 times in one day. I never told anyone. They see me covered in sweat and they presume it's the weather. Which is perfectly fine by me. It's my body getting used to the conditions. I'm surrounded by the same laughter, but different people.

The teenagers, even the adults, have this way of all speaking over each other but knowing exactly what they're talking about. If I try to join in I feel like I'll look like a complete i***t, but if I don't I still feel the same. I feel like most of them secretly hate me, but they don't say anything. Water told me if I had any problems let him know right away, but I wouldn't speak out anyway. As the days go by I'm noticing I'm growing increasingly distance.

I'm outnumbered - They're all from the same place, so if they hate, they hate for the same reasons. I don't know what they're thinking.

One night the TV signal was so good that we were able to watch some of it together. I was able to make out some of the pictures, it was the first time I saw America through a camera. Everything I expected was shown, well-built up areas and houses, tall buildings and a good atmosphere. Despite this image, prominently bad news filtered through. All we could hear was bad things that were happening such as diseases like relapsing fever and the flu pandemic. It was the only mainstream thing that was all over the news. Some people went back to the USA for the response help, Noah and Emily for example. But some stayed so I was stuck with the likes of Ricky and Max. A few days later we were all told we needed to be vaccinated for a routine check-up. Although I was used to it, being here for 3 years forces you to get used to the ways, yet, I was tired of the injections, the blood tests, immunisations for a range of crazy diseases. Some I've heard of and some that were well known.

Max has a challenging and intimidating quality about him. I try my best to avoid him but that doesn't stop his constant verbal a***e or his reckless, arrogant and disrespectful ways. I always tried to figure out the mentality of a bully. Do they just walk in a room, hate the way it looks and choose a person to pick on for the next 8 months? Are they angry with the world, and decide to make a better name for themselves to make them feel amazing? Or is it a personal experience in life that makes them cautious, jealous of others? Or maybe it's just the feeling of pure control and hate that they love.

Stereotypes. I know. I've known it for a long time. Nobody had to tell me what it meant or the barriers it would bring if people lived by them. Just like learning to walk, no instruction is given to understand. It's just natural to understand when you're being excluded or judged by the place you come from, physical features and your culture. It's strange, they've never seen or been to Japan or Other Eastern countries and already assume things about the place and about me. I've never felt so intimidated to speak about home. I cant remember a time I felt like this. I feel ashamed to write about these things. But this is the only place I can be honest with myself. I hardly recognise myself most days.

***

I don't normally call home. When I left, I made a promise to myself to call or write as much as possible. For the first weeks I stuck to that, but as time went on I drifted away from that. I found that I could manage without the constant communication and was more occupied and distracted with the things around me.

So when I call, even for the smallest reasons - it means something.

Each of my footsteps weigh heavily as I dragged my feet in the sand. It's a dark, a cool night and the sand beneath me is layered in a thin sweat of water. The bright moon sits alone in the sky, clouds scattered around. I miss home. I need to go home. However many times I tried to force the thoughts away, they still came back, each time bigger than the first. I walk outside for a while and manage to find my way to the phone at the back of the site. I hesitantly reach for the phone and stop.

'I'm crazy. After all this time not calling my family, what are they supposed to think when I suddenly call them out of the blue?'

I draw back my hand and leave the phone alone.

I think of my Uncle and scold myself quickly. 'Why would he care?'

I'd rather tell him the truth then directly to my family first. He's always known about my feelings from the very beginning. I hesitantly dial his number and wait patiently for him to pickup.

"Hello?" A groggy voice answers on the other side.

"Uncle Ross? It's me?"

He goes silent for a suspicious amount of time before answering.

"Why are you calling? What's wrong? Look I'm busy right now, it's not convenient for you to call me. I don't think it will be for some time now." He says hurriedly. I hear voices in the background and the distinct sound of laughter.

"What do you mean? Where are you?" I ask.

"Listen, you're not supposed to call, you know this." He says sharply.

"Is Akira there?"

"What?"

"Lilly. Akira, remember?" He forgot about her Japanese name, which is abnormal of my Uncle to do.

"She's fine but that doesn't matter to you right now. Focus on where you are right now. I've told you several times that you need to stop being selfish with your feelings. You're not the only person in this world that feels sad. People are in much worse situations than what you are in. Your father would be ashamed if he ever found out."

I feel bewildered and taken aback at his statement and internally begin to regret calling him.

"Why can't you just tell me how everything is? Why can't I speak to her?"

"You need to focus whether you like it or not." He fires back.

I look around aimlessly, still itching with frustration. No matter how much I tried to explain, I was really left speechless. My "Emergency contact" - Uncle Ross. Stubbornly, I listen to the rest of what he had left to say.

Already feeling homesick, unexpectedly, he says a couple of words that leave me stunned and bewildered.

His voice suddenly burns with anger, he tells me how ashamed he is of me. How my Father doesn't deserve someone like me. A waste of time and space is what I am and how he wishes my homesickness kills me, how I don't deserve to come home and I should rot in the heat.

He says more, but, I don't want to repeat them.

For the first time being here, that s when I really froze. I let go of the phone to let it hang by the wire to hear his snarling voice fall away from me, and the hang-up tone passes through for what felt like hours. My hands were shaking still swollen and bruised with crimson colours. All I could hear was the wind. A calm rare wind blowing into my face. I couldn't feel my feet, I didn't feel awake. I lost all feeling in that one moment.