KARMA FAILED

DEAR DIARY

I don’t journal so much but I’m up in here, in my room and I have nothing I’m willing to do so let’s write. I reached out for a plain ash tee shirt on the floor and threw it on. Clean or not.

I guess Zuriel has gone because there was complete silence everywhere.

I’m not too sure if I have exams tomorrow but I don’t care at all. Whatever happens, happens.

I grabbed a tiny pocket diary on the table by my bed and a pen somewhere under my pillow.

I haven’t even started writing when I felt my heart racing so fast I started breathing hard. My hands started shaking but I was determined to write.

‘Dear diary…’ I started

‘I haven’t written in you since I was 7, since my mom first hit me. That’s like 11 years ago or something. I can’t believe it’s been a decade and one year. I remember storming into my room that night with my mind made up to run away the next morning but I never did it. I just couldn’t.

“I love my mom, I don’t know if she loves me or if I’m even her own child but I love her. I know she would change some day. She just misses my dad” we’re the dumb things I said back then. I fooled myself and failed myself as well.

I grew up in misery for no explainable reason. Nothing within comprehension. I endured scars from the one I thought would heal me. Spent years shielding myself from danger from the one meant to protect me. Not sure who my father is but I know he may have loved me more than my mom does.

Each abuse was worse than the last and it never got easier. Nothing worked. Lying, or telling the truth. I would sometimes hear my own self screaming in my dreams. Oh how I wish I wasn’t born or at most died at birth. I have no friends, I am not allowed to have friends because according to my mom, they expose me to immoral behaviors. Does that even make sense diary?

At least I can cook, do chores perfectly, take care of myself, lie, and as recently noticed…I can bend over for math tutors right? Everyone at school thinks I am an emo girl or something like that which is just heart breaking.

My mom tells me every chance she gets that she never wanted me in the first place. She said she would have put me up for adoption but she wanted to prove to her ex boyfriend that she wasn’t as immature as he called her. She calls me a mistake and once told me to kill myself, all because I was born.

A diary is meant for raw emotions right? So here it goes.

My head is swollen because I got hit. I’ve cried so much in life I feel numb. Will it get worse? Yes. Im sure.

No doctor can take the pain away. No therapist can heal the trauma. It’s my soul that needs surgery. ‘

As I concluded,my tee was already soaked in tears. I couldn’t control the emotions.

Anger. Sadness. Revenge. All at once.

I closed the book and instead of slumping on my bed, I stood up and slumped my the floor instead. Maybe I can fall asleep. And I did.

*******THREE HOURS AFTER******

I opened my eyes slowly looking around. Oh yeah I slept on the floor that’s why my back hurts.

I reluctantly got up because I hoped with everything within me that that nap would be the gateway but it wasn’t.

I keep my room as bright as possible because I am very scared of the dark and I sleep with at least 25 pillows on my bed. My bed space is furry, so is the floor.

I have artificial flowers on the wall. The majestic wooden table beside my bed had my lamp on it and a few packets of pain killers and a bottle of water.

My room is my safe space and I will love it till I relocate.

It’s like 8:00 pm now. I should probably read something. I dragged myself to the shower, turned on the hot water and stood under it like it wasn’t burning my skin.

I got out, did my skincare because no matter what happens I will take care of my skin.

I wore very light underwear and leather night wear. Time to eat dinner.

Walking out of my room, I heard people talking in the living room.

As I got closer the voices became more vivid. I heard Mr Derrick. As I placed my leg on the last stair case, I took a deep breathe and walked into the living room.

“There she is” my mom casually remarked looking at me like they had been talking about me or expecting me.

“Hi mom” I said deliberately ignoring the other dude

“Daisy!”

I knew my mom was going to call me back. I was halfway to the kitchen.

“Yeah” I replied turning back acting completely ignorant

“Did you see Mr Derrick or did you ignore him?” She asked rather calmly. Strange.

“Hi Mr Derrick didn’t see you there” I said waving

“You really didn’t see me?” He asked looking at me with no emotions in his eyes

“No I didn’t. It’s 8:32 in the evening so I was probably thinking about…”

“Mr Derrick told me about your relationship with that boy that came here earlier” my mom began rudely interrupting me.

“Okay?…” I asked folding my hands under my boobs and looking at both of them curiously

“You have become very bold to look at your mother like that young lady” Mr Derrick announced unsolicited

I ignored him even more and waited for what my mom had to say.

“Sit down Daisy” my mom directed pointing at the couch next to her

Why is my mom calm?

I sat down.

“Do you have feelings for this boy?” She asked like she cared

“We are just friends mom. Really.” I said quietly thinking about the bench at school earlier today

“Just friends?” My mom asked

“Yes mom. I promise. “

“That’s not true” Mr Derrick suddenly said standing up

“What?” My mom and I said in unison

We are both shocked. But I am more angry than shocked.

“What do you mean?” My mom asked looking up at him

“Yeah Derrick what do you mean?” I asked standing up as well with my hands folded

Yes I did throw caution in the wind.

“Why were you guys in the bathroom at school together?” Mr Derrick asked with the most creepy look ever

“WHAT!!?” My mom shouted standing up

Oh what the f**k!