Lips of an angel

Ten

“We met when we were four and were inseparable for the next ten years. When we were twelve we both noticed the change in our relationship but it was so organic that none of it was shocking. It never occurred to us that we needed to be more cautious or hide it.”

Seated on the park bench I have only ever visited three times since I left home. The first time was the day I thought I saw Lola shortly after moving here. It wasn't really her but the idea of it all shook me up so badly I sat on this bench for three hours. Jo sat beside me. She had no idea why I was freaking out, but she supported me nonetheless.

The second time was when one of my crazy exes found all of Lola’s letters and burnt them. We had been dating for three weeks and she had been going through my things. She found Lola’s letters and thought I was cheating. Without listening to reason she lost her s**t and burnt mine. I was devastated. I had long since given up on any hopes of me and Lola, but I still wasn't willing to let go of the memories. And really that was all they were. But still, there were mine to dispose of, when I was ready.

The third time I was here still hurts to think of. It was the day my mom died. My mom and I were the only two people besides Lola who knew the truth about me and Lola. So when she died she took Lola with her. Any memories and thoughts I had of Lola I buried along with my mother and finally put Lola in my past. Or at least that is what I thought.

Jo sits quietly beside me not saying a word. She sips on her coffee and waits for me to continue. My mind is flooded with memories of Lola that it takes me a while to sieve through them all and place them in chronological order hoping to let Jo in on what is happening.

“By the time her parents found out and confronted us it was too late to lie. We had shared our first kiss. We were holding hands. The butterflies had taken flight and our hearts were no longer our own.” The words leaving my lips are not my own. They are ours. Words Lola and I had shared with one another numerous times over the years, both before and after we had been discovered.

“Jeez, that's intense Liv! And here I thought I was your first love.” Jo says trying her best to lighten the mood. I appreciate the effort. This entire thing feels like it weighs a ton. I playfully shove her shoulder as I take a sip of my coffee.

Placing my cup on the bench beside me I stare out at the park again hoping to find the answers hidden up in a tree somewhere. When nothing reveals itself to me I rub my hands across my face in defeat.

“It was so long ago Jo. I worked hard to move past it. And I am. It’s just...having her here.”

Grabbing at my neck I try and massage away the tension that seems to want to take up permanent residency there.

“Nicole?” Jo poses her name as a question. I know what I should say.

Nicole is not a question. She is my girlfriend. We are amazing together. Nicole is one of the best things to have ever happened to me.

Lola is my past.

These are the things I should say, but true to form I say nothing at all.

My phone starts vehemently buzzing beside me. I don't need to look at it to know who it is. Nicole is in seventh heaven right now, combing through the city’s multitudes of hidden treasure with someone who shares her enthusiasm. So I know that it is not her attacking my phone.

“Trouble’s calling.” Jo says as she lifts my phone and holds it towards me.

“I cant.” Is all I manage to say. Jo mutes the call and takes a deep breath before finally fulfilling her role as best friend.

“You need to tell her.” My eyes nearly bug out of my head as I begin to freak out about how horribly wrong that could go. Why would I tell her? What would I tell her?

“Calm down.” Jo says placing her hands on either of my shoulders and encouraging me to match her breathing. It works, but I can tell that it isnt going to work for long, so she needs to hurry it up.

“You need to speak to Lola. Tell her to back off. Let her know that you have moved on. Besides, whats the big deal? So you guys had a thing when you were both toddlers. Its been years, everyone has moved on.” I slowly nod along as Jo speaks. Everything she is saying makes absolute sense.

It was a long time ago.

I have moved on.

What we had is in the past.

We were young.

She certainly has moved on.

In fact she moved on long before I did.

Obviously

A slow boil starts up in the pit of my stomach as I think back to how it felt back then. Realising that everything was all in vain. That I had been holding on to nothing.

And then as if by design my phone starts buzzing again and this time I am filled with sufficient annoyance, atleast enough to cloud any confusion I had earlier.

“You have got to let this go.” Are the first words out of my mouth and even to my ears they appear a bit harsh.

“Olly? Is that you?” Lola’s voice is soft, gentle and soothing. The way I always remembered it in my forbidden dreams. Shaking my head I try and rid myself of the nostalgia. Jo looks at me with confusion and concern. I give her my best fake smile of confidence.

“My names is Olivia. And my friends call me Liv. I haven’t been called that since I was young, dumb and broke.” I say before I can stop myself and want to kick myself for quoting that song.

“Really? That’s what we are doing now?” Lola says changing tact. She has always been unpredictable. For the longest times it was one of my favourite traits of hers. That was of course when I believed with absolute certainty that she cared for me.

“We are not doing anything Lola. We haven't been doing anything for years.” I say getting up from the bench. My slow boil now requires movement and I start a slow pace in front of the bench.

“Okay then.” She says stretching the first word. I cannot tell if she is trying to buy time or just annoyed at me.

“Olly, I was hoping to speak to you in person. I know Nicole is out with Mia so I thought perhaps we could talk.” Before she can continue I interrupt.

“It’s Olivia.” I say, trying to remain firm. My thoughts are all incoherent as I try and piece together something to say each time.

“So I am not a friend. Good to know.” She says but I don't detect any sarcasm or indignation. Instead she sounds almost relieved or perhaps even pleased.

No! I am not doing this. I am not over analyzing every thing Lola related. Not again.

“Look, I am at your apartment. I will wait for you, then we can talk.” She says and I nearly drop my phone in shock. This woman is persistent. If only she possessed this quality back when it mattered.

“I am out with Jo.” I say hoping that will shut her up. Jo has long since lost interest in my conversation and is aimlessly people watching at this point.

“Great. Where are you. I will join you guys. I like Jo.” She says with ease and I can hear her start shuffling around at her end. Completely flabbergasted by the tenacity that would have been appreciated years ago, but now is simply evoking annoyance.

“I don't care if you like Jo. And no you cant join us.” I say kicking a stone with my shoe.

“We are at the park. See you at the cafe.” Jo calls from over my shoulder and I don't see her coming as I am standing with my back to her. Whipping around to face her she takes a quick step back to avoid the path of my elbow that could have definitely done some damage.

“What the heck?” I say to Jo still holding the phone to my ear, but its too late. Lola had already hung up and Jo was walking in the direction of the cafe.