Disconnected.

Chapter 2.

When I was a kid, I dreamed of having the perfect fairy tale; me meeting my prince in a very surprising way, going out on romantic dates, getting married and having kids with him. I imagined having a good life with him and I expected my prince to love me for the way I am, but none of that happened.

Really, none of that happened.

Of course, I remembered crushing on someone, but trust me, it didn’t really end well. He was disgusted. Like, who would even not get disgusted by the way I look? Look, I am not self-pitying, it’s just, I am telling the truth. There is a big difference.

As I stare on my laptop, with MeddleMe, I am silently hoping that I’ll meet someone who can effortlessly sweep me off my feet, the one who can make my heart beat fast and the one who can make me feel that I should be okay with my own skin, the one who can make me feel like I am the prettiest woman in the world.

Okay, Alexandra, dream on.

As what Wendy reminded me, “Be careful. Not all boys on that application are good boys. Actually, do not look for boys, look for a man. Because a man is matured enough to see through your skin, rather than your actual skin.”

As I hopefully pressed CHAT on the chatting application, many strangers began to chat, some are even perverts; trying to lure in some women or even girls to send them their naked photos, on exchange of money or I don’t know.

I have to admit, I do have a good set of knockers here, but I am not that desperate to send those just to get attention.

“Jesus Christ!” I said as I felt my phone vibrate from my pocket. I pulled it off my pants and noticed Wendy calling.

“Hello?” I answered.

“So, how was the boy hunting?” Wendy asked, “August said that you should try college boys!”

I can hear August laughing from the background, what an ass. He should be thankful because Wendy loves him or else, I would have cut off his balls.

“Tell August that college boys are more judgmental than high school boys.” I answered, based on my experience. Because the one that I used to have a crush on was a college student and he just ended up making fun of me, because, he said that I was young and ugly. Don’t be surprised.

“But college boys are hotter!” Wendy giggled, “Look at this handsome fish that I caught in that rough sea. I know that you’ll be able to bait one soon!”

“What handsome fish are you saying, Wendy?” I asked, trying to suppress my laughter, “Are you talking about your gummy boyfriend, who’s paler than you?” I joked and that made Wendy laugh.

Disclaimer, I am not making fun of August, these are just my jokes and us, friends, it’s normal for us to tell jokes on that way.

“Yeah, I think August is secretly using some whitening products, that he tends up to be whiter than me!” Wendy exclaimed, “Ouch! I am joking, you f*****g prick!” I heard from the other line.

I am sure August just pushed her off their bed.

“You’re just jealous of my beautiful skin!” August said in a girly way, trying to imitate his girlfriend’s tone of voice.

“Are you f*****g serious, bro?” Wendy argued and they continued to argue more.

I just pressed loudspeaker on my phone so I can still hear what they are saying, while I still search for a man that you know, I can talk with.

Okay, a man that can make me happy and. I don’t know. Okay! A man who can make me feel loved.

I pressed CHAT again, but no one appeared as decent as I imagine.

I was about to give up when a sudden stranger appeared on my chat box.

“Hello.” The stranger said.

With Wendy and August still arguing through the loudspeakers of my phone and my heart beating fast against my chest, I bravely replied,

“Hi! How are you?”

The stranger is typing….

“Oh god!” I said.

“What? What happened? Did someone send you a picture of their d**k?” Wendy asked.

“What the f**k, Wendy?” August said.

“What? I am just asking Alex.” She said, “And excuse you, I’m not interested with d***s. I don’t even look at your d**k, August.”

“Maybe you’re more attracted to p*****s that d***s, Wendy. We should break up.”

“Yeah, I think we should.”

“I am just joking. You know I love you too much, Wendy! “August faked cried on the other line, “Anyway, Alex, what happened now?”

“Uhm, I think someone just chatted me first.” I said.

“So? I don’t think that a very surprising thing to know, Alex.” August said, “Aw! What the f**k did you slapped me for?”

“You know that Alex is new to this thing so expect her to be surprised in this kind of set up.” Wendy said, which is true, because I am really used to talking to someone personally and not through the phone.

And here they go again, they continued to argue again. I guess, this is their way of telling each how much they love each other.

I ignored them and I got back to the chatting application,

“I am good. How about you? Why are you here, anyway?” The stranger asked.

So, should I tell him that I am looking for someone to fling with because I am pressured of my friends’ love lives? I think that would be desperate but knowing people in the online chatting or dating world, nothing is really permanent, so might as well tell him the real reason instead of being a little marshmallow that I am.

“I guess there is no point in lying.” I said.

The stranger is typing….

“What? Do you need to lie?” He said.

“No, what I meant is, I am here to look for a boyfriend. I said that I should not lie because first, lying is not okay and second, I guess this chat won’t last that long so might as well just tell you the real reason why I am here.” I typed. I am trying to calm myself and hoping that this guy won’t freak out because of what I just said.

The stranger is typing….

“Thank you for being honest. I like you for being that. I am Julian, by the way. You are?” Julian said and those.. those words made me scream.

“Why the f**k are you screaming in the middle of the night, Yerina Alexandra?” August asked again, from the loud speaker of my phone.

“He just told me that he liked me for being honest!” I said, “And he said that his name is Julian!”

“Oh, sounds like a mature college guy to me. You know, maybe he is in his third year, I don’t know. But Alex, knowing the people there on the internet, remember, not all of them are honest. Some of them just want to kill time and play with people’s feelings. Please be careful.” Wendy said, “When August and I started talking, I made sure that we should meet up first, so we can know each other personally and also, to be sure that both of us are real. And look what I had now, another annoying human being that I love too much, that I almost dump his head on the toilet.” She said sarcastically and we both laughed, “But seriously tho, Alex, be careful. If you feel that, that Julian is sincere to what he said to you, then give it a shot, but please, please, be careful.”

“Okay, I will, Wendy. Thank you.”

I started to type my response again to him,

“I am Alexa and oh, thank you for liking my personality for being desperate, I guess.”

The stranger is typing….

“No, you’re not desperate, but I guess something is really pushing you to do this. I guess, peer pressure? Your friends are taken and you’re the only one who had no one to share your popcorn with in the cinemas?” He asked and I chuckled.

“Well, you are not wrong, Julian. I am jealous of them being happy with their boyfriends and I am just alone. Although I know that I don’t really look good and I really put the justice in the definition of the word shitbecause I do really look like one.” I replied.

The stranger is typing….

“I think you don’t look like s**t, like what you were pertaining, but I guess you just lack self-confidence. I strongly believe that no one is ugly and there are just judgmental people who tend to define person by the way they look. For example, when a guy had too many tattoos on their skin, some people tend to define that person as a bad guy, but the truth is, he’s a good person who helps people, who gives and shared what he had with people, you know. Some people who look very pure isn’t very pure at all but then, majority of the people tend to think of them as someone who is good because of the way they look. So don’t let their opinions affect you. You are your own you. You can do whatever the f**k you want with yourself and don’t let people bring you down just because of the choice you had.” He replied.

His words kinda made me smile, for a bit. Because I think it is really rare for someone to tell these words to a stranger that you just met online. It kinda boosted my confidence but I am still not that confident that this person is real. That this person is different from the people that I know in real life.

“Wow, thank you. Never knew that you’re a very broad person.” I answered.

The stranger is typing….

“No, I am not broad. I’m just telling the correct perspective a person should have, because many of them are very much judgmental, that they think they are perfect.”

“Then maybe, you are a perfect person. Maybe girls gush over you or maybe you used to be a heartbreaker until you met someone and got serious with that girl that she changed your way of thinking.”

The stranger is typing….

“I used to be in a relationship. Until the other party decided to take control of me and that didn’t make me happy. I mean, we’re in a relationship, we should help each other to build a good and happy relationship, right? But she just want control and I felt like a complete s**t so I broke up with her.”

“I guess, she didn’t take the break up easily?”

The stranger is typing….

“Yeah.”

“Aw, I am sorry about that, but what matters is, you’re free to date someone now! J” I said. At the back of my head, I am really hoping that he isn’t dating someone new right now because, I don’t really crush on someone that easily but this guy is oh so smart and I think he is a good person so, I definitely had a crush on him right now.

Crush at first chat, I guess.

The stranger is typing….

“Yeah, but I guess no one really fits my right definition of a girl…”

Aw, that made me sad. So I guess I don’t fit with his qualifications, right?

I was about to press END on the chat box until,

The stranger is typing….

“Until I came across you here. I think you are the perfect fit so, I guess there should be no time wasted, Alexa. Can I get your number so, you know, we can go out on a date sometime?”

My heart and mind are screaming; they are battling against each other. I feel like my heart is pounding too much that my rib cage is about to crush but my mind is screaming to say NO because this guy might be a tool or a f**k boy or someone who is not really worth trusting.

My mom used to tell me that the reason the brain is located on our heads is because we should use it first and use your heart after, but then my father said, you should use both, so it can be balanced.

The stranger is typing….

“Hello, Alexa? Are you still there? Did I freak you out?”

My hands wanted to type something but my brain and heart are still battling with each other. I really wanted to say YES because I feel like he’s worth of giving a chance but my brain is screaming NO because he might just hurt you in the future.

Like what Terrence did to me.

Without replying, I asked for Wendy’s help, who is, surprisingly, still on the line.

“Wendy?” I called her.

“Yes?” She answered, “I guess the whole Terrence thing is going back on your mind right now?”

Wow, my friend is really a good mind reader.

“Yes.” I sighed, “Julian asked me to go out with him but I am scared, I am really scared that he might just be another Terrence.”

“f**k Terrence!” August said, “Terrence is just another bad memory that you should dump at the past and you should never compare your past to the present, Yerina Alexandra. There is a mere reason why it is called a present, because you should open it and enjoy it. So I guess you should give that guy chance. There is no really harm in trying and there is always a way out. If you don’t feel like you are going to be compatible with him, then you can leave him anyway.”

“Wow, I never thought that you can be a reasonable person, August.” Wendy said, “But, August is right, Alexa, you should give him a chance and as much as possible, do not compare him to Terrence because if you always do that, then you won’t be able to find someone. Use your past as lesson to be more careful.”

They are right, I should just forget the past and just use it as a lesson.

I went back to my laptop and I was about to reply to him but then,

THE STRANGER HAD DISCONNECTED. Try to find again?

WHAT. THE. f**k.

Julian just disconnected at me, but then he left a message on the chatbox,

“I am not pressuring you though, if you ever change your mind, please text me. +092********. Have a good day, Alexa.”

I sighed and I felt like slapping myself for not replying.

“Wendy, Julian disconnected from the chat.” I said to her, my voice is kinda coarse because I feel like I am broken hearted.

“Aw, that’s okay, pumpkin, you can still search for someone new!” She tried to cheer me up.

“But..”

“But..?”

“Julian left his number and told me to just call him if ever I changed my mind.” I gladly told them.

“You little s**t! I thought that he just dumped you! So anyway, save his number and juts freaking call him! Tell him that you’re interested on going out with him and just reason out that you were not able to reply immediately to him because you went to the toilet or something..” Wendy said, “And please, do call him, because clearly, he is really interested in you.”

“I did, I already saved his number.” I sighed, “I hope he waited for a little longer.”

“Well, it is night time so I guess guys have needs to during the night?” August said, “Anyway, Wendy and I should go, we need to wake up early tomorrow for her check ups, I don’t even know that Wendy can get sick, I just know that she is just naturally sick in the head and there is no cure for that.” August laughed.

I cracked up, “You really are too sweet, huh?”

“Of course, I am.” August reasoned.

“Yeah, take all the time that you need for teasing me because this might be your last, August.” Wendy warned.

“Hey, I am just joking.” August said and the line went dead.

For sure, the two of them are now arguing, for real.

I stared at my phone, particularly at Julian’s number. I really wanted to message or call him but I don’t really have the guts to, because August and Wendy might have encouraged me to man up and go out with Julian, but I am just really afraid. I am afraid that I might get hurt, like what happened to my friends and also, because of my past. Terrence might not have become my boyfriend but I was hurt about what happened to us. Terrence really left a scar on my heart and also my memories, that he’s also one of the main reasons why I out casted myself.

I used to be happy, contented and confident, but he pulled that out of me. He broke my walls and broke me again, and that made me less confident, thus not taking care of my being. Because I felt that no physical change or improvement can mend me again.

That Terrence really made the Yerina Alexandra, the one I am right now.

As I re-read the conversation of Julian and I, his words really played with my cold heartstrings. I know that we just met thru online chatting application but, his words felt real and sincere. I felt my cold heart became warm again because he encouraged me to do so, so be who I am and not let anyone’s words affect you.

Actually, I might just show that I am unbothered by Lisa’s words of stupidity and low levelness, but the truth is, I am, I am really affected and I wanted to blame Terrence for making me this way. But with Julian, I feel like he might accept me for who I am, I feel like he can fix me again.

But then again, the past is still holding on, his memories are still clinging on my mind, heart and soul. The past is still stopping me for being happy and enjoying the things or people that wanted to penetrate my cold walls. I just hope that when we meet, his warm presence can melt my cold walls.

Maybe, I should give it a shot, because after all, everyone deserved to be happy right? No one should be miserable and therefore, I should not be, and I should be happy.

I typed in a text message, "Hey, Julian. It's Alexa. I am really for not replying immediately, because I finished something. And also, I thought about your offer of going out and I'm agreeing of going out with you. So, when and where? :)"

I clicked sent but,

Text message not sent. Check operator services.

Damn, my phone signal is giving me signal not to go, huh?