Kabanata 23
1377 Words
Caya
Rafael became distant since the night I shouted at him. Alam kong dapat kong ipagpasalamat na kusa na siyang lumalayo kapag nasa malapit ako pero may bahagi pa rin sa aking nasasaktan.
"Ang weird, 'no?" Bumuntonghininga ako habang nasa tabingdagat kami ni Astrid at nagpapaaraw. "We want them to leave us alone but we also wish that they'd face our wrath and talk to us?"
Astrid flashed a broken smile. Alam kong nakaka-relate siya sa sinabi ko dahil ganoon sila noon ni Croft.
She grabbed her mango juice and sipped. "Maybe because we're not really angry at all. It's just the surface emotion that we are portraying to hide the real emotion that we are feeling which is sadness. Immense amount of sadness, and sadness makes people vulnerable. A part of us assumes that when they will see us vulnerable, they'd think we are weak. People hate feeling and being seen as weak."
Hindi ko nagawang sumagot dahil . . . totoo. I am sad about what happened before, and that sadness grew until the only option I had is to turn it into anger so I would no longer yearn for Rafael's presence.
Niyakap ko ang aking mga tuhod. "Isn't it weird? Sandali ko lang siyang nakasama pero . . . parang ang lalim ng iniwan niyang sakit?"
Astrid flashed a small smile. "Caya, hindi naman kasi sa tagal nating kilala ang tao nakabase ang attachment natin sa kanila. Look at me, Crude and Mylene? Ilang taon kaming magka-love team ni Crude. Oo, nahirapan siyang i-let go ang pinagsamahan namin pero isang sabi lang ni Mylene, halos lumuhod na siya sa harap ng gate ng Hacienda Mercado. Hindi ba ay tinutukan pa siya ng baril ng kuya ni Mylene pero hindi naman siya natinag? Ilang buwan pa lang silang nagkakamabutihan no'n, but I've never seen Crude that willing to throw away his pride just to get his girl."
"Kung sabagay." I sighed. "Naalala ko sinabi ng therapist ko na kaya ganoon din ang naging sama ng loob ko ay dahil . . . hindi ko naman na-heal ang parte ng pagkatao kong nasira nina Mommy at Crystal. I made it my mission to heal Rafael because I couldn't heal myself. Kaya noong nag-fail ako, mas naramdaman ko 'yong trauma na ibinigay nina Mommy at Crystal."
"Plus, you already had the mindset that those you will pour your heart into, are just going to hurt you like how your mom and Crystal did. Kasi minahal mo sila nang husto. You broke your boundaries for them yet in the end, they chose to betray you, hurt you, emotionally leave you."
I forced a smile. "Yeah. Nag . . . patong-patong ang traumas, kaya kahit maliit na bagay para sa iba iyong nangyari sa amin ni Rafael, it . . . was a big deal to me." I sighed. "It was the last drop that my cup had needed for it to spill . . ." Isinangkal ko ang aking baba sa aking mga tuhod. "I hope I could just heal instantly."
She rubbed my back. "Don't rush your healing, Caya. After all, healing is never linear. Minsan okay na tayo, tapos bukas back to square one na naman. But despite the painful process of going back and forth to the start, what's important is we always choose to move forward. To never accept the pain and traumas as a part of us. No one deserves to be identified as the ones that broke them anyway . . ."
Napangiti ako. "Maraming salamat, Astrid."
She smiled. "I'm gonna get myself something to eat. Gusto mo na rin bang kumain?"
I shook my head. "Dito muna siguro ako habang tulog pa silang lahat."
Tumango siya't iniwanan na ako sa tabing-dagat. Nagmuni-muni naman ako sandali ngunit nang napansin ko ang jetski sa hindi kalayuan ay tumayo ako't lumapit sa staff na nagpupulot ng basurang inanod sa harap ng Bayou.
"Hi! Pwede bang hiramin ang jetski?" I asked.
Tumango siya. "Pwede naman ho, Ma'am. Huwag lang gaanong lumayo at hindi pa na-refill ni Rafael ang gasolina."
I nodded. "Sure." Peke akong ngumiti. "Gamitin ko na."
"Sige ho."
I hopped onto the jetski and started it. Hindi malakas ang alon ngayon kaya hindi ako nahirapang ilayo ang jetski sa pampang, ngunit habang lumalayo ako sa beach front, nagbabalik sa alaala ko ang pagje-jetski namin ni Rafael noong nasa cruise pa.
Nawala ako sa sarili't natulala habang nagmamaneho. I spaced out and remembered how he wrapped his arms around my waist while teaching me how to drive a jetski. He always makes sure I feel safe. Tila kahit nasa gitna kami ng karagatan, kampante ang puso kong walang mangyayaring masama sa akin dahil siya ang kasama ko.
How did me manage to make me feel that comfortable? Anong mahika ang mayroon siya para magtiwala ako nang husto sa kanya?
I sighed. Bigla akong napabalik sa reyalidad nang unti-unting tumirik ang jetski. "Oh, no no no. s**t!" I tried to start the engine again but it kept on dying. Nilingon ko ang beach front. Napakalayo ko na pala at hindi ko man lang namalayan!
I don't have my phone and I'm not wearing a life vest. Nakakainis! Patirik na ang araw!
Bumuntonghininga ako't sandaling idinukdok ang ulo sa manibela habang nag-iisip. I was trying to figure out a way to get the jetski back to the shore when I heard a speedboat from somewhere. Napaangat ako ng tingin, at nang makita ang paparating na speedboat na sakay si Rafael ay tila muntik nang tumalon ang aking puso palabas ng aking dibdib.
He's . . . not wearing a shirt to hide his toned upper body. Bagsak din ang kanyang buhok at kuminang ang suot niyang kwintas nang masinagan ng araw. Tila galing siya sa pangingisda base sa dala niyang pamingwit. Nang matanaw niya ako ay kaagad niyang iminaneobra ang speedboat palapit sa aking direksyon.
"Why did you use it? The tank was nearly empty," he asked.
Umiwas ako ng tingin. "Hindi ko lang namalayang masyado na akong malayo," malamig kong tugon.
He sighed. "Get inside the boat, Caya."
I swallowed. Nagtalo ang isip at puso ko kung tatanggapin ko ang tulong niya o hahayaan ko na lamang ang sariling matusta ng araw habang nag-iisip ng paraan para maibalik ang jetski sa pampang. Sa tagal ko yatang mag-isip ay napabuntonghininga siya.
"Babalikan ko ang jetski. Don't worry about it. I'll fill it up later--"
"Bakit hindi ka na lang kumuha ng gasolina ngayon? I don't wanna get in your boat. Pwede naman kitang hintayin na lang na makakuha ng gasolina," putol ko sa kanyang sinasabi.
He sighed. "Sorry but I can't do that. I won't leave you here."
Tumaas ang aking kilay. "Iniwanan mo na nga ako noon. Paanong hindi mo kaya ngayon?"
Huli na bago ko napagtanto ang nasabi ko. s**t, I'm sure he realized what I meant!
Lumamlam ang mga mata ni Rafael. Maya-maya ay tuluyan niyang pinatay ang makina ng speedboat. "Are you being a b***h towards me because of our fight on the island or because of something else?"
I tightened my jaw and glared at him. "Wala ka nang pakialam do'n. Kasi kung gusto mo naman talagang malaman, you would've reached out, would you? But you didn't." Inis akong natawa. "Why am I even talking to you? I promised myself that I would forget you. I didn't go to therapy just to entertain you again."
Kumunot ang noo ni Rafael. "You . . . went to therapy?"
Umiwas ako ng tingin. Maya-maya ay narinig namin ang paparating na speedboat. Crude and David were on it. Siguro ay nasabi ng trabahador na ginamit ko ang jetski.
Thank goodness they came. Kaagad kong tinanggap ang kamay ni David nang makalapit sila sa aking pwesto. I saw how Rafael clenched his jaw after seeing the way David helped me get inside the boat. Sa inis yata niya ay binuhay niya ang speedboat na gamit niya saka na naunang bumalik sa pampang.
"Mainit ang ulo?" tanong ni Crude.
I sighed. "Ewan ko ro'n."
David smirked. "Baka bad trip kasi hindi makaporma sa'yo?"
Napalunok na lamang ako.
Hindi talaga pwedeng pumorma, dahil oras na makaporma iyon, siguradong hindi na lang therapy ang kakaharapin ko .
- Writer
