Kabanata 11
1217 Words
Caya
Imbes na beer lang ang pagsasaluhan namin ni Rafael ay napabili kami ng sandamakmak na chips at ice cream sa mini mart ng cruise ship. Halos hindi rin kami nag-uusap dahil parehong nakatutok ang mga mata sa screen ng TV.
He connected his laptop to the smart TV in his room kaya naman heto kaming dalawa, parang may sariling sinehan sa kanyang cabin.
I sobbed while shoving a spoonful of cookies n cream ice cream in my mouth. Kumuha naman ng tissue si Rafael saka iyon ibinigay sa akin. Sandali rin niyang kinuha ang ice cream cup ko nang mapunasan ko nang maayos ang aking mga luha.
I looked at him with my eyes looking like a faucet dripping with unending tears. "Kawawa naman si Jamie," I said. Kahit na ilang beses ko na iyong napanood, talagang para pa rin akong na-brokenheart tuwing napanonood ko ulit.
He smirked. "Wanna hear my two cents?"
I sniffed. "Sige."
"Mas nakakaawa si Landon."
Kumunot ang noo ko. "At bakit naman? He gets to live longer. Do the things he want. Achieve his dreams and taste life."
"That's the thing, Caya." Payak siyang ngumiti. "He's gonna live longer, and in each moment of his life without her, he's gonna feel Jamie's absence. Grief never goes away. People just learn to build a life around the pain. Besides, he obviously wanted to experience life with her by his side." He sighed then turned his gaze to the TV. "Imagine fulfilling your dreams without the person you wanna share your success with."
"Wow." I sobbed. "Thank you for making the film feel more painful."
Rafael chuckled softly. "Sorry. Didn't mean to do that but you're welcome."
He opened two bottles of beer then invited me to his balcony. Nilagay niya ulit ang kumot sa aking balikat nang matakpan ang aking likod. He made sure it was properly placed before he leaned against the railing and jugged his beer.
Uminom din ako sa aking alak saka ako bahagyang humarap sa kanya. "May I . . . ask you something?"
"I'm single," he answered.
I rolled my eyes. "And I don't care," balik ko.
He scoffed. "Ouch. Alright, pop the question."
"Did you dream about becoming a lawyer?"
He whistled. "Good question." Sumimsim siya sa kanyang alak. "I didn't, but I guess when you're growing up, you dream to become the people around you because you have no idea yet what you really wanna do with your life."
"Well, have you . . . figured out already what you wanna do with your life?" I asked.
He scoffed. "Not yet. I'm just like the majority of people in this world, Caya." He moistened his lower lip. "I thought grown ups know how to navigate in life but that's a life. At least, to most people."
Sandali akong uminom ng aking beer. I adjusted the blanket, too before I spoke. "Maybe you should start asking yourself what you enjoy the most."
"s*x," tahasan niyang sagot.
Umirap ako sa kawalan. "Besides s*x, of course."
He laughed a bit. "Kidding." Bumuga siya ng hangin saka niya tinitigan ang bote ng beer na hawak. "I love kids. I enjoy spending time with my nephews. Parang kapag kasama ko sila, hindi ko naiisip na marami akong naging pagkakamali sa buhay. There's no judgement in their innocent eyes. It's as if they accept me and love me with no condition."
Tila may mainit na palad na humaplos sa aking puso. Bihira ang mga gaya niyang iyon ang isasagot kapag tinanong ng parehong katanungan. So saying that I'm quite surprised is such an understatement.
Payak siyang ngumiti nang hindi ako nakakibo. "I also enjoy films and books of course."
Humugot ako ng hininga. "Why don't you write a book or a script?"
"It's too hard."
"Graduating in law school and passing the Bar exam was hard, too but you survived. Things are only hard when we don't know what to do, right? Parang sa buhay? Maraming nagsasabing mahirap mabuhay kasi we don't know how to navigate in life but those who cracked the code? They think life is easy and it's an amazing journey."
"Makes sense." He licked his lower lip. "Or maybe I can pose in front of the camera naked. Sira na rin naman ang reputasyon ko. Why not earn from a bad reputation?"
Alam ko namang biro lamang iyon pero ewan. A part of me felt sorry for him. Tila dinaramdam niya nang husto ang nangyari. Hindi ko naman siya masisisi. It was a traumatizing experience.
Bumuntonghininga ako. "Bakit . . . si Jaysel?"
Napahinto siya sa akmang pagsimsim sa kanyang alak na tila ikinagulat niya ang aking tanong. Maya-maya ay humugot siya ng matalim na hininga saka ininom sandali ang alak. "Because I was too stupid to realize that she's not worth my time."
"Rafael, hindi naman lahat ng tao alam kung sino ang tamang pag-aksayahan ng oras."
"Yeah, well not everyone will enter relationships that will send them to jail and take away their license to defend people, right?"
Lumamlam ang aking mga mata. "I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of that."
Basag siyang ngumiti. "Nah, I did that to myself. There's nobody else to blame but this." He pointed his chest. "If only it listened to this," he continued then pointed his temple.
I tucked my hair behind my ear. "We all make mistakes, but we will never move forward unless we forgive ourselves and accept that what happened is already in our past. Maybe . . . you can start by forgiving yourself . . . and realizing that there's still a brand-new life ahead of you. After all, we could never move forward if we will chain ourselves to our past."
He gave me a weak smile. "What you just said made me wanna kiss you right now."
Lumagabog ang aking dibdib nang maglakad siya patungo sa aking harap. He even kept his gaze on me as if he's so fascinated not just by my beauty but also with how I think.
"Can I kiss you again?" he asked in a low, gentle voice.
Humigpit ang hawak ko sa bote ng beer kasabay ng aking paglunok. A part of me says no, but the butterflies in my stomach kept on screaming yes as if his kiss will free them.
"Are we . . . going to forget everything that's going to happen in this ship once we're back in the Philippines?" I asked.
Gumalaw ang kanyang panga. "Yeah. Nothing to worry about."
Humugot ako ng hininga't tuluyang pinakinggan ang nagwawalang mga paru-paro sa aking sikmura.
"T-Then we can do more than kisses." I swallowed. "I . . . would like to try other things while I'm still free. Here. W-With you . . ."
As if that was the only thing he's waiting for, Rafael held me by my nape and kissed me on my lips. Sumara ang aming mga mata, at nang tuluyan niya akong inalalayan upang maiyapos ko ang aking mga hita sa kanyang baywang, itinapon ko na ang aking inhibisyon palabas ng aking isip.
Bahala na kapag umuwi kami ng Pilipinas. For now, I want to be free. With him. With the last person people would ever think I'd sleep and make memories with . .
- Writer
