The Magick Shop Place

Fiona the Carni

“Another Greyhound Station, yet another bus...” Fiona stared out the window with no expression on her face. Her eyelids sat tired above her freckled cheeks. She had reddish brown hair tied up in a short ponytail. She wore her old flannel shirt and worn denim jeans, black boots and a grimace look fluctuating on her lips. “I need to go back home, there’s just nothing left for me out here.”

Fiona and her family left Washington state only months after the devastation that took place after Josh died. All of our lives changed after our foolish seyonce.

We felt like we knew everything and played with forces we didn’t understand, which became our deepest lifelong regret. Lily was in a coma for six months and while in her absence, there were horrible things we would need to catch her up on when she returned.

The things that happened back then feel different to me now. I have lived and made a bunch of my own mistakes. But then there was Josh…I think of him every single day. My boyfriend's death just happened to occur right before my family and I moved to Montana. My dad got a big office job offer and before we knew it, we were all packed and up and left. I never saw Lily again after the night of the seyonce. As for me, my life changed completely. I was alone for a while with no friends. Our friend Ashley had already switched schools to Woodinville High School and moved in with her dad. It was a much better area, which meant a better school so after that, she stopped all contact with us.

My mom died after 2 years of living in Montana, due to her diabetes and low blood sugar. She could have survived that night if she had gotten to her candy under the bed in time. After her death my dad began to drink heavily and stayed out most of the night at the local bar.

When my sister Autumn was 25 and I was freshly 21 that January, we found work traveling with a large carnival group, CarnCity. We were about to travel and see different parts of the country so were genuinely excited.

“Please for the love of God be careful.” With tears in his eyes and worried look on his face he reached in and gave us each a big hug. “I tried my best but I wish I was a better father to you girls. Maybe things would have been different if your mother— “Autumn interrupted with sincerity in her voice. “Dad, Stop, it’s okay. We love you.”

The truth is he did cut back on his drinking a couple years ago and tried to be more present as a dad, it was when he lost his job and ended up working at the local grocery store.

Autumn continued, “We love you. You were the only one there for us, which means a lot to us girls.” That was when she nudged me on my shoulder. “I love you too dad, we’ll be in touch I promise.” We all came in for a big group hug, quietly weeping.

The two of us had no doubt we would stay in touch with our reformed father. That is until 6 months later Autumn received a call from the local sheriff's department. Our father was found dead in his car with a single gun shot wound to the head with the pistol in his right hand.

I don’t know what we felt more, mourning for our last surviving parent, or the overwhelming sense of guilt for leaving. I fell into a massive depression that would last over a year. I could hardly keep myself together at work, I just wanted to be left alone. And despite constantly feeling down and lethargic, we were at least paid well. The money was good working as a carni, all depends how you use it. There were a ton of guys that would blow it on shots and beer or some of the harder stuff such as meth and even h****n. Autumn and I would spend most nights in our motel room. At the end of a fair, we created a ritual of laying out all the cash we made onto the beds and slowly count aloud. For such an odd occupation, it was an addictive lifestyle. We kept mostly to ourselves, not getting involved in the nightly activities. All we would do is work, eat, sleep and repeat. We had no home or life to go back to, but we did have thousand of dollars saved up in cash. We just did not really know what to do with it other than make more.

“You want to open our own business together?” Autumn asked one night after a long 17-day fair in Texas. “Um. Pff, are you serious? Doing what?” I took a drag of my cigarette outside the door of the motel room. Autumn paused, raising an eyebrow looking up at the sky. “Man I don’t know. Handmade jewelry or pottery or some s**t?” At this Fiona laughed. “We don’t make jewelry or ceramics, and I don’t plan on starting now.”

“Well, we could still come up with something.” Autumn took a drag of her cigarette.” We have all this cash and no aspirations for something greater. Something that doesn’t involve the same tedious work of tearing down tents and running games for CarnCity.”

“After?” Fiona paused to think. “I guess I don’t really picture an after. Buy a house maybe?”

“Yeah? Where at? Got a state in mind?”

“We’ll no not really. Back to Washington possibly?” Autumn smiled slightly and then gave her a concerned look. “You’d feel comfortable going back there? Despite everything that happened with Josh?”

Fiona stood for a moment, the moon peaked through the clouds. Their two beds were poorly made inside the room with dirty clothes spread all over the place. Autumn kept a cigarette always lit so the room had a lingering smell of an ashtray. “I mean it was traumatic, but we did grow up there, as tragic as Josh’s death was.”

My good friend Pat made me swear to never tell a soul about what happened, and as a loyal friend I kept my word. Autumn sighed and turned to look at her bed, ready to lay down. “I mean yeah, I could see us moving back to SeaTac. There’s not a whole lot to go back to in Montana.”

Fiona didn’t see the problem with doing what they already do, and truth is she enjoyed her work and the freedom.

“Just try to give it some thought, okay? I don’t want to do this forever.” Autumn pushed her cigarette into the provided ashtray and walked inside. Fiona stood on the second-floor walkway and leaned against the railing. “What do I want to do after this? Anything? Or do I just continue life on the road?” Fiona walked in the room and laid down in her bed.