The Life of Her

A Longing Talk

Trailing the desired truth often hurts, but it's better than the falsehoods being coated in someone's soul. It's promising to be slapped rather than be suppressed by the fib. It's finer to open these gazes than to stay asleep with fallacy. It will drive me down if I'll let it devour me. It's better to be candid...for now.

Mom had moved to her bed and settled in. She was waiting for me to sit beside, but I decided to sit across from her wooden chair. Her table was filled with her bag and some documents from the orphanage. She was writing something on a clean s**t of paper with her red pen. My eyes traveled to the compartment that Trenton had bordered and she hasn’t still mentioned a single thing about it. Guessed she didn’t realize anything.

“What do you need to discuss with?” She humbly asked.

I wanted to be straightforward with her. I cupped my pockets and slowly pulled it out. I gently laid it in front of her and it was clear that she wasn’t expecting it to see by me. She was holding her breath as her hands were tightly grasping those thin sheets.

“W-What is this all about, Amber?” She stuttered. She was shaking.

I took a wailing air and stared at her with my lifeless nature. “Well, I had that same reaction as yours when I first saw it.”

I walked to her radio and turned the volume more. I don’t want the child to hear our little conversation and might as well our misapprehension later on.

She took the photo of her and Trenton’s dad and kept it behind her back. Her sweat was falling on her face. So this is what being franked meant to her. Probably, Trenton also wanted to confront my mother and tell her the things that she had stepped on and shattered. I guessed guilt is now showing in front of her.

“W-What are you talking about?” She inquired.

“Mom…why did you do it? Why did you have to take another relationship with a man who’s already married?”

Her face stiffened when the truth was punched in her face.

“H-How did you know about this?” She unbelievably asked.

“Just before Dad passed away. I was able to get a glimpse of you in that hotel. I thought, well…I wanted to convince myself that he was just a close friend of yours. Even so, I wasn’t able to see his face or got the chance to talk to him. I just can’t. I just can’t take to see it with my own eyes, the man who had an affair with my own mother.”

She was just silent and couldn’t say anything at all.

“Why did you do it?” I asked her one more time.

But all she could do was cry out her eyes on the edge of her bed. Her heart was aching and so does mine. I need to take a breather and walked near to her. I remained still and waited.

“Are you not thinking about us? Our family, Mom?” I hear my own voice c***k.

Her tears were falling down her cheeks, but it was not the one that Ms. Everly had told me. It’s not glowing.

“I-I am-“

She wasn’t able to complete what she was saying about when I immediately chop her off with a sudden outrage. I felt my chest pounding as I remembered the time when Dad used to cry for her.

“Do you think I won’t know the truth? Do you think that I can’t understand the situation when I used to see my own father crying? Tell me, Mom. Are you that itchy for you to find another man?”

In a sudden snap, I felt her palm land on my cheek and it became ruddy. Mom just slapped me that it made me looked the other side. I cowered and abruptly mocked. I gently rubbed the throbbing swell. I slowly eyed at her and gave in a menacing wide smile. “Now I know, why that boy really hates you a lot.”

She stumbled a few steps away from mine.

Biting my lip, I looked above, trying to calm my shattered heart and stopping from crying.

“Have you met your lover’s family, Mom?”

“N-No. And…What are you talking about a boy?”

“Hah. I guessed you didn’t take time to know your lover so well, mother. Did you ever visit the boy who was with me during that accident? Or did you ever ask his name?”

I saw her fisted in frustration.

“I don’t know what this is all about, Amber. What do you want? Just tell me what you really want!” Her voice raised.

“I…I want you to know that I’ll be leaving so soon…again.”

She stopped questioning when she heard my words. She grabbed me by the arm as her eyes were sharp; her tears continued to flow. I pulled my sight from her and gaped in a different way.

“What are you talking about? I don’t understand anything, Amber. What’s happening?”

I wanted to tell her the truth that my time is running out. I wanted to tell her that I already passed away...and that my existence is just ephemeral now. But I just can't. I just can't. I held her tight in her arms and concentrated on her intently. I gasped for air. “The boy that was with me in that accident was his son…”

“Didn’t he tell you about it?” I said to her, referring to Trenton’s father.

“N-No…He didn’t say anything about it and, and…we’re not communicating now.” She said and slowly settled on the edge.

“I reckoned that your lover will just contact you in convenience. How selfish. Don’t you think, Mom?”

She didn’t respond to that thing. Perhaps it was true.

“Trenton Singh is his son. The one who was with me in the accident. It was also the day that we first met each other. And I guessed, destiny had made its way for us to cross ways. And we just realized that our own parents were having an affair together. Isn’t it great to have a connection with that?” I acerbically prompted.

“It’s just sad…that he’s currently in the hospital right now. Still not waking up.”

I saw her nip her lower lip out of remorse.

I walked away and watched the curtains swivel and mesmerized the night on her balcony. “You know, Mom. When I left and lived in that apartment, I learned and knew how Dad felt during the times that he was far from us. And even how many times I would try to ask myself why you did it, I can’t. I just can’t lay any reason for you to do that. And the same goes for that boy. We kept…We kept questioning ourselves or maybe the situation where our parents decided to love another person.”

“Is it worth it, Mom?” I felt tears rushing through my eyes and I could sense the sadness and hatred that was in deep trenches in me. It was Trenton and he was listening from within.

I heard her step toward me. She was reaching out and slowly held both of my hands, shaking. “I-I’m sorry. I'm so sorry, Amber.” She gradually knelt on the ground without letting my hands go as she burst into tears.

I sniffed as I watched us together in pain. I wiped my tears off. “I-I…h-hoped…Dad could also hear those words from you.”

She cried out more when she heard those. I slowly knelt beside her and held her close, embracing her between my arms.

“I miss everything, Mom. I miss Dad. I miss you. I miss us…And I wished I still have time to experience those again with you.” I whispered through her ear, between my sobs.

She cupped my face and let me stare at her. Her eyes were so wet from her weeping and she didn’t bother to wipe them off. She let them rush on her cheeks. “I’m so sorry. Every night, I prayed that you’ll come back here with me. That someday, you will forgive what I did. And, A-And I know that it’s too late for me to ask for mercy from your Dad and I wished…I wished he can hear it too. Everything is hunting me. I couldn’t bring back time and what’s done cannot be erased anymore. My sins have been tampered with. But now, I wanted to make things right. I really wanted to make it up to you. I might not be a good mother to you, Amber back then. But this time, I will do my best to make you happy. To make us happy.” She said with her sincere voice.

I stared at Mom for a while and hugged her tight. “Whatever happens, you’re always my Mom and I’ll always be your daughter…” I shut my eyes and longed for the time to stop.

We stayed for minutes in that the same spit. No words to say, just the presence of ours was enough to know how we missed each other. I finally found the courage to pull from our hug and gaped at her.

"I'll make THIS worth it, Mom." I said to her.

She gave me a passionate smile and kissed me on the cheek.

I wished I could say everything to her...that I'm already dead and in any minute from now, Trenton will be the one in this body. But, it will just break the pact I have with Ms. Everly and Trenton. I wanted to inform her, that it will be fine and I'll make sure that when the time comes that I'll leave her, everything is in a good place. I wanted to see her smile even if it means for me to depart.

But for now, I wanted to make every bit of my time as memorable as I wanted to.

I hugged her once more. She lowered the radio's volume and slowly tugged me up from the floor and relaxed together on her bed. Fiddling my fingers, I asked. "Since when did you lose your contact with that guy?"

She took a sigh and answered, "Since the time you were caught in an accident..."

"Are you both done with each other?"

She slowly nodded her head.

I interlocked my fingers with hers and said. "Mom, if you want. I can relay everything you want to tell to that boy. I know you wanted to say something to his son too."

She pressed my fingers. "I'm scared...I'm scared that he would hate me for a lifetime. I won't ask for his forgiveness. I just want him to know that I regret for not knowing my place. I was being fooled with the love that was clearly illicit."

"I'll give you a moment and I'll just be here to listen. Just imagine that I am his son." I smiled and went to silence.

Mom lowered her head and snoozed her eyes.

Her tears aren't still glowing. Something is not right, that's what I was thinking of or maybe I'm not doing it right. I wanted to call Ms. Willow but it's not the great time to do it.

I felt my time is slowly running out and I could sense that Trenton is waking up from the hollow. I looked at my fingers and understood that my soul is slowly pulling out from my body, glinting.

It will surely take time as I glanced over Mom. She's still anxious and still didn't find the exact words to assert. I do not want to make her quick. I let time skip and slowly allow him to take over, grasping his soul through me. I felt frivolity and when I opened my vision, I found myself outside my body already. I was floating again. Mom has been reserved, still holding my hands and deliberately held up her head to gaze Trenton. I looked at my own and figured those eyes -those of an anguished soul. He was hurting deeply and he was weeping silently.

"Trenton."