What happens when you grow up

Chapter 19

Present day…

For the next few days, Tigerlily decided to give James his space and focus on Peter's initiation. She figured James would return as he always did in his own time, and there was no use in pressuring him. He always kept his word, so if he agreed to stand in for Peter's big day, he would be there.

Besides, there was something else that occupied her thoughts: One of her braves had sighted what appeared to be a pirate ship.

"Are you sure?" she asked when Raven Claw returned from a routine patrol. They always sent a few braves out before an initiation to make sure nothing unplanned would interfere.

The young brave shook his head. He had the keenest eyes in the tribe, but he also possessed a calm head and wasn't prone to jumping to conclusions. "I can't be certain," he admitted. "It was a long distance off. But it was definitely man-made, and I thought I saw a black flag."

Tigerlily's breath caught in her throat, but she pushed down her fear. There hadn't been pirates sighted in months, not since—he—had been defeated. What pirates that survived had slunk away to easier hunting grounds. There was no reason for a pirate ship to be here now, and so it probably wasn't a pirate ship.

"We'll post more scouts, just to be safe," she said, and the elders nodded in agreement. "But we won't start worrying yet. It probably isn't anything. Let's keep this to ourselves and not worry the village."

Still, she didn't like not knowing for sure, especially before Peter left on his initiation. If it were pirates, Peter was the most likely target for some mission of revenge, since it was the Pan who had killed Captain Blackbeard.

She briefly considered delaying Peter's initiation until they could know one way or the other, but she decided against it. For one, she could never tell Peter the reason, or he would insist on finding out for himself if pirates really had once again infiltrated Neverland. It would be awful if he did stumble onto them. And he would never settle for a different excuse.

So instead, she pushed those worries to the back of her mind, throwing herself into the last details of Peter's initiation. She coached him as much as his limited attention span would allow—which wasn't nearly as much as she would have liked. But that's the way it was with Peter.

"I don't see what all the fuss is about," he complained, hovering over her head as she sewed his robe for the fire ceremony. "I just flit around and kill an elk and feed Hook the meal and do the ceremony and that's it." He flipped over so that he was hanging upside down. "Easy as pie."

"Do you even remember your role in the ceremony?" Tigerlily asked in exasperation.

"Sure," Peter replied. "The medicine man calls me forward and I walk through the flames and then he asks me some questions and I say I'm a man and promise to take care of the tribe and that's it."

Tigerlily chuckled in spite of herself. "There's a little more to it than that. What about the vow?"

"Oh, I've got that down," Peter scoffed. He rose into the air, holding a hand to his heart and making his voice especially solemn. "As the oak stands against the wind, I pledge my strength. As the eagle soars in the sky, I pledge my spirit. As the wolf hunts with his brothers, I pledge my loyalty. As the bear watches her cubs, I pledge my love. With all my heart and all my soul and all my spirit, I pledge myself to this tribe, now and forevermore." He back-flipped in the air, grinning proudly. "See? Got it down."

"Sounds like you do," Tigerlily conceded. "But you still need to have the right mindset about it. This is a big deal."

"I know," Peter replied, rolling his eyes.

"Peter," Tigerlily warned.

"Look, I know," Peter repeated, but this time his voice was more sincere. He dropped to the ground, folding into a cross-legged position next to her. "I really know, Tigerlily," he continued. "It's a big deal. And…" He took a deep breath, dropping his usual bravado to reveal a surprisingly vulnerable kid underneath. "And it's scary, okay?"

Tigerlily stopped her sewing and looked up at him. She didn't say anything, letting him open up to her in his own time.

"It's… it's huge," he faltered, waving an arm for emphasis. "It's this giant change, this big black unknown. I've faced pirates and evil nuns and crocodiles and… and… everything, everything but this. And there's no going back. Once you're a grown-up, you're a grown-up." He took another deep breath, trying to collect his thoughts. "And I don't really know what's so great about being a grown-up. Grown-ups have to worry about everything—about wars and killing and growing old and dying. And honestly," he added, his voice hardening, "I haven't met very many good grown-ups. You and Hook and the tribe… that's it. It's like once a kid grows up, he loses his goodness. And everything gets twisted and selfish and… and… bad." He looked at her with eyes that held indescribable pleading as he whispered, "What if that happens to me?"

"Oh, Peter," Tigerlily breathed, dropping the robe onto her lap and taking his face in her hands, "that will never happen to you. My darling boy, you are kind, and brave, and good. And you always will be, grown-up or no."

"I don't know if I'm brave enough to grow up," he said softly. "I don't know if I'm strong enough to stay good."

Tigerlily pulled him into her arms, a position that he would usually protest loudly but one that he now allowed without a word. He leaned against her chest as she rested her chin on his tangled hair. "Growing up," she started thoughtfully, "is an awfully big adventure. And any good adventure is a little bit scary. But any good adventure, whether it's growing up or fighting evil or… falling in love… is worth it. It's always worth it. But you have to find that out for yourself."

"How do you find the courage?"

"Remember when you were in that awful orphanage?" Tigerlily asked, and she felt Peter nod. "Remember how you kept your spirits up day after day, and looked out for the other boys, even when those nuns mistreated you all the time? How did you find the courage then?"

Peter was quiet for a moment. "I just… I just focused on the good things. I focused on the other boys, on helping them."

"Remember when the pirates kidnapped you and you were forced to work the mines? Remember when Blackbeard forced you to walk the plank? How did you find the courage then?"

"I told myself to be brave. I told myself that I wasn't allowed to feel fear."

"And when you and James escaped? When you were lost in the forests of Neverland? When Blackbeard captured us all?" Tigerlily tugged on Peter's shoulders, gently turning him to face her. "Peter, you're the bravest boy I know. Do you really think that will change when you become a man?"

Peter thought hard for a moment. Then his face broke into a dazzling grin. "No, I guess not." He hugged her ferociously, giving her a quick peck on the check before scrambling out of her lap. "Thanks, Tigerlily," he said, starting to rise up into the air once more.

"You're welcome, Peter," Tigerlily said, smiling fondly.

Peter's grin faltered for just one second. "Um, could we keep this between us?" he asked. "It'd be really embarrassing if the other kids found out."

Tigerlily laughed. "Yes, we'll keep it between us."

Peter's grin returned in full force. "Thanks!" And then he was gone, shooting up over the trees and off into the horizon.

Tigerlily watched him go, filled with loving care. Peter was much more of a man than he realized, much closer to crossing that muddy line that separates child from adult. Already he was growing more mature, more thoughtful, more considerate. And yet—there were still patches of childhood that shone through, flashes of carelessness, of innocence, of self-centeredness. These weren't because of a bad character; Peter's character was undeniably good. They were more out of a simple world view, a view that the world was good and that there was no need to worry—a decidedly paradoxical view, after what Peter had lived through. But that was probably the fairy in him, always able to look on the bright side, always determined to believe in the best in people, always trusting, always hoping.

Tigerlily hoped he never lost that.