50 Days to His Heart

Day 10: Henry

Love is a river that flows through.

Says a song that Conrad saved in my phone. This morning when I told him that somehow I've accepted Jesus in my life, he was all ecstatic and said, 'it was an answered prayer' because he knows that being my assistant, he can't do anything to help me with my family problems, but he 'can always pray for me.'

Conrad is far way younger than me but it seemed like he knows more, he understands more, he loves more.

I've told him of my struggle to totally forgive my wife although I didn't mention what Lorraine exactly did.

'Forgiveness is a continuous process. People think that if they accepted Jesus in their lives, everything will become perfect, but it's not all that. We are molded every day. We will still face challenges but at the end of the day, we are assured of God's compassion that never fails. His mercy is new every morning.'

Well he is right. Yes, I love Lorraine, she will always be my baby but I guess I have not fully surrendered to the Lord all the pain Lorraine has caused me.

When she hugged me this morning before I went to the office, all the lies she came up with flashed before my eyes and I had the urge to push her. Thank God for reminding me that I have sinned myself but He has embraced me just like a little child in need of a Father's care.

***

"So sir, are you telling me that we will just forget about my kids because you cannot find a clue as to their whereabouts!?"

I was not able to control my emotion. Until now, all they say is 'they are trying their best' but nothing seems happening. It is so frustrating for a father to keep hoping and yet receiving the same negative news every day.

"Sir I just have to remind you that it is not only your children's case that we handle. We handle more than a hundred."

"But you are paid to do these stuff!"

"And sir, as a parent, it is also your responsibility to be on top of your children's welfare!"

I was taken aback with what the police officer said that I almost punch him. Good thing the guy beside me was able to stop me.

"Look Henry, I'm sorry for saying that. What I am just trying to explain is, don't put all your blame to us. We are really doing our best but there's just no lead. If you are frustrated, the more that I am."

"I'm out of here and sorry too."

I left the police station with a heavy heart. Well, he is right. Maybe if I didn't push Lorraine to leave, maybe this won't happen. If she was only honest enough then maybe I won't feel cheated.

***

I tried to brush off all the negative thoughts that are playing in my mind and think of the happy thoughts we had but nothing's coming. I am reminded of every lie and story she has made, of her dad's plan to take over my business in the future, of how she managed to get through me. That even the business gathering she attended to when we first met was part of the plan.

I tried to control my tears but was not able to. If God can heal my brokenness then why do I still feel this way? What did I do wrong to be like this?

Lorraine, why? Why did you do this to daddy?

I know if I'd go home tonight, I'll just hurt Lorraine. And I don't want to hurt her. I still love her.

"Daddy? What time are you going home? I prepared dinner."

Lorraine's voice is like music to my ears but that music is not enough to melt my doubts just yet.  I've decided to call her after checking in a hotel just to make sure that she is still at home and she is not with somebody else. Am I being unreasonable? Can you blame me?

"Daddy's not coming home tonight baby. I... I have a business meeting."

"At 10 in the evening?"

"Yeah Baby, they are some foreign investors."

"Okay. I know my daddy will be able to close the deal."

"Thanks baby. I have to meet them now at the lobby." I lied.

"Ah. Yeah. Daddy."

"Yep?"

"I love you."

"Yeah."

I didn't say I love you too. I love her yes but I just can't say it now.

I went back to my room to finally rest but was surprised to see someone inside.

"Are you not happy to see me here honey?"

"Eunice? How did you get inside? How'd you know I'm here?"

"I have my ways honey."

Eunice threw herself to me and she started kissing me. I almost gave in but remembered Lorraine.

"Stop Eunice. This is crazy. I'm married Eunice, I'm married."

"Oh. You're married Henry. How could I forget! But don't forget too honey that yours is a void Marriage."

"It's none of your business Eunice. Getting back to you is the worst decision I've made. I love my wife and I can't afford to lose her. So just leave me alone."

"Well let's see if she'd stick with you even without your kids. And if she leaves you, I promise you, I won't be around to catch you. Nobody wants an old guy like you."

An old guy like me.

Is Lorraine really capable of leaving me?

"See, I'm right Honey. How can you be so sure that Lorraine will stick with you? You have nothing to hold her anymore. She has her own business, she finished college and she can find someone better than you. You'd be alone all your life."

Eunice got her things and kissed me.

"I'm giving you a week honey to decide."

I was left dumbfounded. Will Lorraine really leave me? Will she choose a younger guy over me? Someone who can give her more than I can give?

'Just give me time baby. Lorraine don't give up on me.'

I decided to just sleep and rest for the night. My heart is too tired to fathom everything.