The Penitent's Rose

CHAPTER 5

Sweat trickled down Lance’s forehead as soon as he stepped out of his car. As he makes his way to his family’s mausoleum, he regrets refusing his driver’s offer of ushering him with an umbrella. The midday air blew hotly against his skin, almost burning. No wonder the leaves of the bushes and other plants surrounding the place were wilted. Even the Bermuda grass around the place had some brown patches due to lack of moisture.

As hot as the current weather may be, it doesn’t affect the coldness that enveloped Lance as soon as he’s inside the mausoleum. The white Barre that made the whole place, paradoxically, was nothing compared to what he’s feeling in each of his visits. 

The rich, earthy, and exotic Sandalwood scent surrounds the whole area. Lance nodded in approval as he approached the granite altar and swipes his forefinger on its surface; already clean and clear of dried flowers and incense ashes. He looked up, eyes immediately squinted at the bright light passing through the white and blue colors of the vector pattern, stained glass cross window. He made a mental note to thank their caretaker and give him an additional tip for cleaning the panes.

Pink petals stood out against Barre as he gently laid the bouquet that he brought on the altar. The smell of burning wax as he lit a white candle lingers for a minute before fading against the incense. Lance took a deep breath before turning to his right; towards where both of his parents were laid to rest.

Written in elegant gold and bold calligraphy, the names of his father and mother stared back at him. Underneath their names and the date of their birth and death was a quote he remembered his uncle had chosen to put there as well. We love you in life, much more in death. You will remain in our hearts forever. Lance swallowed a lump on his throat as he continued to stare at his mother’s name. He closed his eyes, silently said his prayers, before taking his seat on the bench in front of the niches to spend a few more hours there just like he always does since he was capable of doing so.

Ever since he’s old enough to go out on his own, he made sure to visit his parents once every month. And when he assumes his position on the company, it is an event that his secretary must prioritize over his other engagements regardless of any situation. His visits were always the same. He will bring his mother’s favorite flowers, light a candle, say a prayer, and spend an hour or more together with his parents.

The wooden door creaked open, and a familiar face of a man suddenly appeared. A small smile appears on the newcomer’s lips as he closes the door and walks towards him. 

“If I had known that you’re going to visit today, I would have ridden with you,” the man said, his dimpled smile reaches his eyes.

“Mn. I didn’t know you’re going to visit today as well, brother.”

The newcomer nodded at him as he placed his bouquet of white roses beside his carnation one before turning to face their parent’s tombs. Lance remained silent, respecting his brother’s turn to offer his prayer to their parents. A while later, his brother opened his eyes and took his seat beside him.

“How’s my little brother doing?” his brother asked him. “I haven’t seen you for a long time.”

“Xander, you just saw me earlier before leaving the house,” he replied in a deadpan voice.

His brother’s smile widens. “Come on! You know what I mean. And frankly speaking, that is also what frustrates me the most! We both live under one roof but we don’t hang out that often. Seriously, Lance. Don’t you feel the same as me? Don’t you miss your favorite brother?”

 He snorted. “You’re my only brother. What the heck are you saying?”

“Exactly my point! More reason for me to believe that you feel the same as I did.”

“Ridiculous!”

Xander’s laugh bounces off the walls of the whole mausoleum, loud enough for their uncle to get mad and scold them for not respecting their deceased parents. A corner of his lips lifted into a smile with the image of their uncle, red-faced with anger just like when they’re still kids.

“You know what,” Xander said when he finally calmed down from his laughing. “Let’s go out for dinner tonight. I’ll call uncle and ask him if he wants to come with us.”

“Hmm. I think he doesn’t have any appointments this evening.”

“Excellent. We can go to that restaurant that we frequented or we can go somewhere else.” Xander suddenly snapped his fingers. “Ah! How about we go to that restaurant near the city park? The one where we usually eat with mom and dad before.”

Lance’s back stiffened at the mention of their parents. Memories of his whole family eating at the said restaurant immediately swarm his head. The smiling image of their father exacerbates the burning sensation of his stomach. The laughing sound of their mother intensifies the tightening inside his chest.

“Lance.”

Xander’s voice snapped him out of his reverie. The evident worry on his brother’s face was what greeted him the moment he looked up.

“I know what is running inside that head of yours,” he said and let out a deep sigh. “Please stop.”

Dark eyes widen by a fraction before turning down to avoid a pained pair. He felt remorseful when he heard his brother let out another sigh. “I’m sorry,” Lance whispered, still staring at his shiny, black leather shoes. 

“I always told you this, and I will never get tired of repeating it until you finally get it.” The serious tone of his brother’s voice caused his insides to twist more. “It’s not your fault, Lance. It was never your fault.”

Lance fights the urge to bite his lip. In truth, not only does his monthly visit to their parent’s grave remain constant. His feelings also remain the same whenever he’s there. It has been years, but the heaviness and the coldness within him never changes. The unspoken guilt, sadness, and loneliness stay with him. And to be honest, he believes that those sentiments will remain until the day he will join them.

“You’re just a child back then,” Xander continued. “We both are. No matter how much we want to do something, we can’t because we’re still young. We’re powerless.”

“I’ve become selfish, brother,” he reasoned. “I treated our mother wrongly.”

“Given our parent’s circumstances, I’m honestly not surprised if you become one. But believe me, Lance. You’re not. You’re not selfish and you treated mother as good as an 8-year-old kid can in that kind of situation. Now, if you insist that it truly is your fault, then it is only right to blame me as well. Because I also did the same thing.”

Lance raised his head and looked at his brother. “No. Definitely not brother’s fault,” he said, shaking his head.

“See that? And you’re saying that you’re selfish? Seriously?” A sad smile appeared on his brother’s lips. “You did your best, Lance. We both did it for our mother. Believe me. No matter where she is, I’m sure that mother understands us. So stop beating yourself because of what happened, okay?”

Hearing those words from his brother somehow calms Lance. The chaotic and heavy feeling inside him slowly fades. He took a deep breath, letting out what’s bottling in his chest. “Thank you, Xander,” he sincerely told his brother.

A small laugh escaped his lips when Xander ruffled his hair. “Anything for my favorite brother in the whole wide world.”

He slightly scowled at his brother’s action. “Again, I’m your only brother. Xander, please stop messing my hair.”

Xander eventually stops ruffling his hair. He stood up. “Come on. I still need to contact uncle and make a quick stop at the office before we can have dinner. I do believe you also need to talk to Neil about our upcoming company event, right?” he said as he started to walk out of the mausoleum. 

He nodded in response. Before following his brother, Lance once again stands in front of their parent’s tombs. One hand automatically raises to trace his mother’s name and closes his eyes as he silently utters those words he always says before leaving.

“Oh God, who has commanded us to honor our father and mother, have compassion in Thy mercy, on the souls of my father and mother; forgive them their sins, and grant that I may see them in the joy of eternal brightness. Through Christ our Lord. Amen.”

  Eyes open once again, one corner of his mouth was pulled into a slight smile. “Goodbye, mother. I’ll see you again next month.” After his final caress on the gravestone, Lance turned around and walked out of the mausoleum. After so many years, he was able to do it feeling a bit lighter. Maybe he would treat his brother instead.