Terrifying News
1403 Words
The European circuit is not so different from the American circuit, which doesn't imply a great adaptation change, but here no one knows who I am (or almost no one), so it's a great way to start my new life.
Until then, everything seemed perfect, but since the Monday of the week before last when we landed in the country, I've been feeling unwell, even preventing me from completing a beginner's circuit calmly.
"Take some water," Nancy offers. I can see her looking at me with furrowed brows through the mirror.
This isn't normal. It's as if I've been cursed somehow so I can't ride a horse.
After the second time vomiting in the day, I straighten up and splash plenty of water on my face after brushing my teeth. When I turn around, Nancy is still offering me the water bottle.
"Thanks."
"What do you think it could be? Maybe you're afraid of all this mess of starting over or perhaps the food."
"None of that," I deny.
"What if it's nerves?"
"Why would I be nervous? I know those circuits like the back of my hand, and Ace, my horse, I've had since he was a foal. This is ridiculous."
I can see Nancy looking at me with pity. I know that, despite searching for the "logical" reason for my condition, she knows something I don't.
"Come on, tell me. I know you know something," I murmur before another wave of nausea hits me.
She seems to hesitate, but soon, when she doesn't seem to find another way to solve this mess, she hands me a small rectangular box written only in pink letters.
"What is this...?"
"I know nothing happened between you on your honeymoon, but... have you ever had s*x with Levi?"
My heart stops for a moment.
"No. He and I... Only a couple of times."
"Enough to get pregnant?"
I take the box Nancy was still offering me, and only then do I realize my hand was trembling. Still, I gather my courage and open the box, taking out the contents. I take a breath and without exchanging words with Nancy, I enter a bathroom stall.
After this, all that's left is to wait.
Nancy and I have been together long enough for the pregnancy test to have yielded a result, but to be honest, I'm afraid to see it. And Nancy is no exception. She paces back and forth in the bathroom, explaining to me for the fifth time how to navigate a circuit that I've explained to her I know by heart, but she keeps doing it in an act of nervousness.
For my part, I tangle my fingers in the curls falling over my shoulders, occasionally glancing at where the pregnancy test lies face down.
"What are we going to do if it's positive?" I ask, breaking the silence on that subject.
"Well... I don't know, okay?"
I swallow hard. I can't afford not to work. I have a horse to maintain, bills to pay, and money to earn, but I won't be able to do that if I turn out to be pregnant.
"I'll support you."
"Huh?" I ask, raising my head.
"I'll support you. It doesn't matter if it's positive or not..."
"Nancy," I stop her. "If it's positive, I'll go back home."
"What? With your stupid husband?"
"Ex-husband," I clarify. "And... I don't know. He's the father, I suppose he'd want to know, right?"
But that wasn't certain. He threw me out of the house without reasons or considerations, what guaranteed me that he would want a child of mine?
"You did a university career, graduated with honors, and you're excellent at what you do."
"But I don't have experience."
"It doesn't matter, you'll gain experience later."
"When? I don't have time."
"Well, you'll have nine months if it turns out positive."
I look at Nancy, almost on the verge of hysteria, but finally, I decide. Sooner or later I have to see that result, and it's better sooner, because the registrations for the next equestrian season are about to close.
With my heart in my fist, I approach the test, take it, close my eyes, and take a deep breath, and when I open them, I turn the test to see it. I let out a scream as soon as I see the result.
"Don't tell me it's..."
"It's positive!" I shout, showing it to her.
Nancy turns pale instantly.
"You are? Are you..."
Yes, I'm pregnant, and the father of my baby is my ex-husband who asked me for divorce for no reason. That's how excellent my new life started.
"So, what will you do?"
"I don't know," I admit. "What am I supposed to do? I want my baby to know his father and for him to be part of his life, but on the other hand, Levi made it very clear to me that he no longer wants anything to do with me."
"Besides, we still don't know if he left you for another."
I cross my arms and start thinking that I can't help but agree with Nancy. I don't know what was the reason he asked me for the divorce, nor do I know if that reason was another woman, so would it make sense to tell him about the child? And in case he doesn't want it, would my heart endure knowing it, when from our first kiss I've felt something more than a contract marriage for him?
I don't even want to think about it, so, postponing that inevitable decision, I take my bag, put the pregnancy test inside, and leave the bathroom, followed by Nancy.
"I have to go to the hospital."
"I'll accompany you."
"You can't," I remind her. "The tests are about to start, but first, I'll bring you the ultrasound when I leave."
I take the keys of the car we bought together three weeks ago and point at her with my finger, threateningly.
"Win for both of us."
She nods firmly.
"I promise."
***
Three long hours have passed since I left the hospital. I drove aimlessly until tears clouded my vision enough that I couldn't continue driving.
I know I told Nancy I wasn't sure about telling Levi, and I know I have her support, but I'm afraid. I have to admit it. I'm afraid of not doing it right, of failing, of Levi refusing to be the father or of him finding out and wanting to take him away from me, afraid of disappointing my parents... So many things terrify me that I wouldn't know if I would ever finish that list, and at the same time, I feel so alone. I know my parents would support me, but I'm on the other side of the ocean, sitting in a car on the side of a road crying while looking at my son's ultrasound.
My son. How bitter it feels to say it. And I don't want it to be like that. I want to love him, to want him, to take care of him, to feel the warmth and love of his mother, but I'm so afraid that the future looks blurry.
I hug myself. 26 weeks. That's how old my baby is. I didn't even know about his existence ten hours ago, and today I found out that I'll have him in my arms sooner than expected.
When my phone rings announcing my mother's call, whom I had previously told about the situation, I wipe my tears and nose and take the video call.
"Hello, mom."
"Sweetheart," she greets me. "Were you crying? I'm so sorry, baby. If I had known I would have gone with you to Europe."
I shake my head. "It's not your fault."
She shakes her head back. "Your father already knows. I begged him not to tell anyone for your sake, and he barely agreed. We agreed to go live with you."
"Mom."
"Now you need support, and your father and I want to give you all the support you need."
I smile, feeling my heart release from a very big pain.
"Thank you, mommy."
"You don't have to thank me, darling. I'll leave you now, I'll call you again when we leave the country."
"I'll be waiting. Goodbye."
I may not have Levi's support, but I have my parents and Nancy with me. Do I really need him?
- Writer
