My Diary

chapter one

Dear Diary,

It's been a while since we talked. I feel like you're the only one I can talk to right now. You've always been the only one.

I paused and took a deep breath, writing my thoughts has always been the best way to express myself, my emotions were killing me, I needed to let it out. So I continued writing.

... I have been stuck in the hospital on a sick bed for over ten months recovering from the worst mistakes of my life. Yes my wounds were healing but the guilt, pain and shame ate me up every single day of my miserable life. I can't imagine facing the world ever again.

I've made so many wrong turns, this just happened to be the wrongest, if wrongest is a word. Maybe I was born with bad luck. I mean look at me. And all I ever wanted was to fit in.

I closed my diary, then my eyes for a bit when I opened them, hot tears crawled down my cheeks. I don't know which is more painful, the burning tears or the remorse I feel. I looked at my diary and relived the day my grandma gave it to me as a birthday gift.

It's my sixteenth year birthday today and the first birthday party I get to celebrate with my friends, well since I don't have actual friends I'll say classmates and schoolmates. Normally it was a combined ceremony, with my parents anniversary, my grandma's birthday and my birthday of course, now they wanted me to have a special sixteenth year birthday party. It was exciting to throw my first party even if I felt uninvited, cause I've never been invited to any party. How weird.

I arrived at my party one hour after it started, my timidity had the best of me so I stayed in my room staring at my reflection in my dressing mirror. Joel, my little brother and best friend had to come drag me downstairs so I don't miss the entire party. He's always looking out for me.

The party hall was crowded with students of different categories. The nerds and geeks, the goth kids and popular kids; the skaters and hipsters. I felt intimidated knowing that I belong to no group at all. How do I expect to be noticed by people who barely know I exist. Well I spoke too soon, Tina and her best friend Caleb noticed me walking into the hall, immediately, he yelled out cupping his hands on his lips, "give it up for the queen of Westerville high".

Before I knew it everyone was clapping and cheering my name, there were no words. I was more than happy to be celebrated by people I thought detest me.

My eyes brightened when I saw him, Samson Chapman at my house, is this a dream come true or what, his eyes were locked in mine as the cheering went on and on, he was smiling at me despite his hot girlfriend, Darling Timothy sat there with him, he just cheered and stared anyway. I had to look away before I get awkward.

I joined the party feeling like the birthday girl herself. I got all the attention and love, it felt like a surprise party where I get friends as presents. Well, it didn't last. Soon, everyone started having fun and forgot all about me. I just sat there observing my party and everyone in it, like my dream crush, yet I couldn't find the courage to mingle. At least I get to stare at the man after my heart all night, that's fun to me.

Joel who left before came back but I didn't notice him at first. I was literally focused on my crush like it was my job to stare at a guy who doesn't even know I was staring. Joel touched my shoulders, since calling my name didn't work. I jerked suddenly in surprise.

"Jojo?", that's my nickname for him.

"when are you going to get over this guy who barely knows you exist?"

"dude" I scoffed, "I wasn't staring"

"you were too"

"you have no proof"

"don't need one, it's pretty obvious"

I groaned and held my head, he always wins, what's the use.

"grandma has been looking for you"

"whyyyyy?" I knew it was going to be another session of her pep talk.

"you don't even know what she wants"

"whatever, at least it's better than being in a party with no friends to talk to"

"you're pathetic"

I finally stood up from the chair I sat on since the party exempted me. I walked behind Joel as we both exited the party. On the way out, I stole glances from Samson, and our eyes meet every time. I had to watch my steps so I don't trip and embarrass myself. We were to walk around their table, and I was too nervous to be seen by Darling's squad and Samson's friends. Darling will find a way to humiliate me and I can't accept any form of humiliation in front of them. Well I couldn't hide from the group either. Samson called out my name for the first time since we met. I didn't even know he knew my name, and being the proprietress'granddaughter explains it all. I turned and met the faces of the meanest girls I know. Beside them were handsome seniors. I waved shyly, his smirk broadened.

"HBD Munich", he said, his bright eyes lit my heart, I mean how can one man be so good looking. My heart just skipped for a second, I quickly licked my dry lips to find the right words, yet all I could say was, "ttthanks" I couldn't help the stuttering, and it was embarrassing.

"remind me to give you a present as soon as school resumes"

I nodded smiling, "thanks", it seems to be the only word I could say to a guy I've loved all my life and who finally spoke to me. I'm such a dork.

"you look amazing birthday girl", Toby, Samson's best friend said winking at me. My cheeks turned red.

"thanks"

"you just can't resist a beautiful girl in a beautiful dress can you" Frank said, they burst into laughing. it's like the seniors wanted me to hang out with them. It'll be awesome to sit with popular kids with the best grades in school

"come on dude, Munich's hot when she's not in uniform", Toby winked at me again, I giggled covering my face. Toby was enjoying the fact that I kept giggling at his jokes, Samson seems to be loving the moment as well. Yet all I could say was

"thanks"

Jane, a minion to Darling had to say something while the rest of the squad stared at me like I have an obvious stain on my dress, "is it just me or thanks is the only thing your grandma taught you to say". They all started laughing, I literally just stood there praying the ground would open to swallow me.

"I wonder who crowned you queen of Westerville high" Ivy, another minion to Darling, said.

"more like queen of douchebags" Darling said and her squad laughed harder while I felt smaller, the seniors weren't finding it funny anymore, especially Toby. Did I mention he is a hottie, almost as good looking as Samson Chapman.

"not cool girls" Toby frowned at the squad.

"baby, let the girl have her day" Samson said caressing his girlfriend until she smiled and gave him all her attention. He kissed her right before my eyes, how rude.

"eww... Teenagers are so gross" Joel puckered his face and looked away.

"let's just go"

I'd rather spend the rest of the evening with my grandma than come back to this party. We both left the party to look for her. As soon as my grandma saw me coming she excused herself from the company of her guests.

"Dearest I've been looking for you" I hugged her wearing a warm smile. I love her so much.

"seems like you're having fun"

"so far so good". We giggled.

"Happy birthday grandma"

"Happy birthday Munich". I hugged her again, I already gave her a present but I want to give her more hugs and kisses to add to the present. And of course I know she felt the same way.

"I have something for you", I clapped excitedly as she brought out a nicely wrapped cuboid box and handed it to me.

"can I open it?"

"of course honey, it's all yours"

I tore the gift wrap enthusiastically hoping to find something that says sixteen. All my effort was to reveal a dumb pink book and a pink pen. My fat grin began to wane.

"grandma what is this?" I tried to look polite so I don't hurt her feelings.

"I couldn't decide what to give to my favorite grand daughter, I want it to be something of more worth, something that adds more value to her life"

"and a pink book was the best idea that crossed your mind"

" honey it is high time you started keeping your very own diary"

"but why?"

"because dearie", she took my hand as we entered the balcony very near my mom's garden, it appears to be crowd free, "this is the time new things begin to pop into your life, having a record of your past, present and future is always very helpful, it gives you the right approach to life, but only when you use it wisely"

Nothing she said made any sense to me but I need to keep the conversation going, " is it necessary?"

"it's your choice honey, just understand these three P's in life purpose, plan and persistence, it really helped me when I was your age, I believe it will help you too"

Boring! I can't believe a wealthy woman can be so selfish sometimes. She could afford buying me any thing else but she selfishly didn't. I just forced a smile and thanked her before she talks me to sleep. She was happy I loved her gift, but I don't know how much longer I can keep pretending to love a dumb pink book and I need to hide it in my room before my troublesome sisters sees it. So I figured a way to get out of the stupid conversation.