Only Human

Holly

     “Enjoy your flight!” the flight attendant greeted cheerfully as she smiled and handed me back my ticket, holding out her arm to motion the direction of our seats. 

    I followed behind Adam, carefully carrying my bag in front of me down the aisle. 

    “Here we are” Adam muttered, stopping next to the two seats on our left. 

    “Hand me your bag, I’ll put it away” he said already reaching for the bag. I let go of the handles as he pulled it from my hand and stuffed it into the overhead compartment. I waited for him to finish and get seated before I took the aisle seat. I needed the space to stretch my legs and Adam loved to watch out the window as the plane took off, so the seating arrangement worked perfectly for us both. 

    We sat in silence, Adam flicking through the duty-free magazine. I rested my head on the back of the seat, watching as people walked past me into Economy class. Adam had always been a bit of a snob when it came to travel and insisted we flew at least Premium. The flight from the UK to California was a long one, so I wasn’t complaining at the extra legroom but I would have been happy to sit anywhere. I was just happy we were getting a break. 

    Adam and I had been together for 5 years now, and what had started out as an intensely passionate relationship had soon fizzled out and become stale, filled with resentment. We’d booked this last minute trip in the hopes it would provide a much needed escape and save 'us'. I closed my eyes and let my mind wander, and just when I was about to drift off I heard a voice, making me jump in my seat.

    “Can I get you anything to drink?” A tall, thin lady with blonde hair pulled up into a tight bun and bright red lipstick on her lips stood over me. I turned to Adam first just as he said “Diet Coke please”. The same as always. 

    “And for you?” she said, quickly glancing at me while pouring the coke into a plastic cup and handing it to Adam.

    “A vodka and cranberry juice please” I said. I was watching her prepare my drink as I heard Adam sigh next to me. I took the drink from her hand and immediately took a sip. I turned my head towards Adam about to ask what the problem was to see he already had his headphones on and was looking through the movies. We hadn’t even made it take off before he’d shut himself off to me. This was going to be a long 12 hours. 

___

    We were close to landing and apart from the silent treatment I had received from Adam most of the flight and the constant nausea I was feeling since we started the decent, it was fine. I hated flying and I couldn’t wait for the plane to hit the runway so the nausea would stop. 

    Travel sickness was something I often suffered from but it was always worse when I was on a plane. I could feel we were close to landing and looked at Adam, who had now turned his body away from me staring out the window. This would usually be the time where he would hold my hand and try to comfort me as the churning in my stomach increased. Nothing. I could see I wasn't going to receive any kind of affection from my husband. 

    I closed my eyes, breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth, attempting to control my breathing and keep my anxiety in check. I blocked out the sound of the engines and the mindless chatter from the other passengers as I felt the thud of the landing gear touching the ground. 

    After taxiing and waiting for the seatbelt sign to switch off, I quickly jumped out of my seat knowing that Adam would want to get the hand luggage down and be ready to rush off the plane as soon possible. He did this every time, making me speed walk though the airport so that we could get through customs quickly and get our luggage. I stood in the queue, shifting my weight from one leg to the other. We started moving towards the exit, I smiled at the flight attendants at the door and made my way towards the airport. 

    “Come on, let’s get through here quick so we can get to the hotel” Adam grunted, walking past me while holding out my bag. I took the handles and started walking behind him, trying to keep up with his pace. This was the first time he’d spoken to me in hours. He’s tone didn’t faze me and neither did the length of the silence between us, I was used to it by now. But something about today really bothered me. I found myself thinking how different it had been on our last trip together. I knew we were falling apart and this time it really would be make or break. How could I fix it? I didn’t want this to be over, I was still in love with the man I met all those years ago and I hoped he was still in there somewhere, and that he felt the same way about me. 

___

    Unzipping the suitcase, I started to unpack our clothes, laying them on the bed. I hear Adam walking around outside the front door. He hadn't expected that we would be staying in such a remote area, but it was beautiful. Most people came to California for the city and tourist attractions, but I loved the outdoors. Adam had left me to pick the hotel and so I'd chosen a small resort with luxurious wooden cabins in the woods. 

     "I can't get any f*****g signal" Adam yelled as he slammed the door shut behind him. "Why did you book somewhere in the middle of f*****g nowhere". 

    I turned around to look at him to find him still starring down at his phone. 

     "It was supposed to be a break, a chance for us to reconnect. I thought that would be better done away from everything else" I spoke as calmly as I could, not wanting to let him know he'd pissed me off already. Maybe it was true what I'd said or maybe I knew how much he'd hate it here and chose it out of spite. He was punishing me and I'd deserved it, but if we couldn't move past this then that was it for us. He looked up at me and held my gaze for what felt like forever. He sighed, shoving his phone into the front pocket of his jeans. 

     "Let's go find something to eat, I'm starving" he said already walking towards the door. I put the handful of clothes I had been holding down on the bed and followed him, grabbing the keys to the hire car off the top of the tv unit as I passed. 

    We arrived at a local diner, it was late and the place was fairly empty with just a few other guests dotted over the restaurant. I sat down in a booth and ordered two diet cokes from the lady who came over to serve us. Adam was already scanning through the menu, trying to avoid my gaze. 

    "What are you hungry for?"

    "Don't know" he mumbled. 

    "Adam, are you going to talk to me at all on this trip?" 

    He looked up from the menu, shot me a quick glance and then went back to checking through the different options. 

    "Oh come off it Adam! We both know you're so fussy you'll just get a burger and fries, so stop using the menu as a reason not to talk to me" I said exasperated. 

    "Fine" he sighed, putting the menu down on the table and resting his hands on top of it. "What would you like to talk about?" 

    I hated when he was like this. Why was he making this so difficult? If he was going to act exactly like we did at home why were we even here? 

    "We could start by talking about that fact you've hardly said two words to me since we left home. Why?" I asked. I just wanted the trip to get off to a good start so we could get back to being us. The old us. 

    "You want to know why I don't want to speak to you?" he said, I could hear the anger building in his voice. "I have nothing to say to you that hasn't already been said. You want me to forgive you and move on, but I can't do that. Every time I look at you I just see him" his teeth were clenched as he slammed his fist on the table. The waitress who had just set down our drinks looked at me with wide eyes. I smiled back at, letting her know everything was OK. She took our order and left the table. 

    "Why did we come all the way here if we're just going to keep having the same argument we've been having for months?" I asked, quietly. I was trying to keep him calm, I didn't want to cause a scene. 

    "You want to do this right now? Can't we just eat our food and forget about it?" he muttered, keeping his eyes down on the table the whole time. 

    "Ok. If that's what you want. But you have to talk to me eventually" I stated, not wanting to antagonise him any further. 

    I understood why he felt this way, what I'd done was horrible and I'd known that it would take him a long time to forgive me. But I didn't think he'd forgive me eventually. He'd told me as much. I loved him, and he knew that. It was a mistake and he knew that too. 

___

    After we'd finished eating we made our way back to the cabin. It was pretty late now and the jet lag was starting to kick in. I'd been awake for over 24 hours and was starting to feel it. Immediately after walking into the room, Adam walked into the bathroom and slammed the door shut. I flinched at the sound. This wasn't going to end well. Just as quickly the door flew open again and out walked Adam. 

    "Where's my f*****g toothbrush?" he snapped. That's it, I'd had enough of this. 

    "Stop speaking to me like that. I don't deserve this. I've tried everything to get you to forgive me, to talk to me" 

    "You don't deserve this?" He scoffed. "You cheated on me and you expect me to forgive you, just like that?" 

    "It wasn't like that and you know it. I never slept with him. Why are we still having the same conversation over and over again?" I shouted, the tears starting to swell in my eyes. 

    "But you wanted to, didn't you?" he asked, his eyes not leaving mine. 

    "YES, I WANTED TO!" I screamed. "He gave me attention when you wouldn't even touch me. I needed you and you weren't there. So yeah, I started talking to someone who was there for me".

    "He wanted to f**k you. That's it" Adam turned away from me and walked towards the window.  

    "So what if he did? You didn't. But I didn't want him, I wanted you. But you were gone. I needed you." I sobbed. 

    Adam kept facing out the window. I grabbed the hem of my dress and pulled it up over my head. Reaching around my back I unclipped my bra and let it fall to the floor as I pulled down my underwear. I stood there naked, waiting for him to turn around. 

    "Look at me" I said, tears still falling from my eyes. "Do you still want me?" 

He turned around, his eyes scanning over my body until he stopped and looked me dead in the eye. Without a word he turned back around and carried on starring out the window. I knew right then there was nothing I could do to save us. We'd flown halfway around the world for him to tell me something he could have done at home and had done so without even saying a word. 

    I climbed into the bed and crawled as far over to the far side as possible. Hugging the duvet I silently cried into the pillow. I didn't want him to know how much he'd hurt me. Why didn't he tell me months ago when this happened that he didn't want me? Why didn't he just leave me then? Right then I told myself these are the last tears I'd shed for this man. And with that thought I drifted into a dreamless sleep.