She-Alpha

Chapter Five

Sasha's POV

"You know…" I rasped. "It's pretty hard to answer when you're trying to choke me, right?"

To my surprise, he eased his grip slightly, just enough for me to breathe. I coughed lightly, then heaved a sigh.

"You can see my uniform, can't you?" I said. "I'm obviously a student of this academy, just like you. What else did you think I was, an assassin?"

For a moment, there was a silence that screamed the answer to my question.

"Wait, seriously? You get assassins? What are you, royalty?"

He raised an eyebrow at that.

"I'm pretty sure we're all royalty here," he replied.

"Excellent point," I said, nodding. "And I'm pretty sure it's illegal to restrain royalty against a tree."

He rolled his eyes and let go of me.

"Thank you," I said, brushing invisible dust off my clothes.

He had returned to his spot beside the brook, and I couldn't help staring curiously at him.

"I don't think you're allowed to ditch orientation," I said.

"And yet you're here," he replied without looking at me.

"Hey, at least I got lost while trying to find the Grand Hall," I said. "What's your excuse?"

"I'm ditching orientation," he replied flatly.

Which… wow. Just wow.

I walked over to the brook and plopped down on another tree stump beside him. He gave me a look as flat as his tone.

"I thought you were trying to find the Grand Hall," he said, and it sounded like an accusation.

"I've changed my mind, obviously," I retorted in a huff, picking a stone.

I tried to skip it on the surface of the brook, and of course it sank instantly. He picked one of his own and tossed it, and it skipped six times before landing on the other side of the brook.

"Show-off," I said, and he gave me another eyeroll. "Careful. Your eyeballs might fall off if you keep that up. What are you even doing here, anyway? Staring into the water and thinking about the tragedy of life? All your hair will fall out if you make that a habit. You'll go bald before you're thirty."

"Actually," he replied, "the water helps me not to think at all. Staring at it… calms me. Empties my mind."

Wait, seriously?

"Wow, you weren't thinking just now?" I blurted out. "You better not make that a habit, or you'll go dumb in no time."

He shot me a look like I was stupidity given flesh.

"Has it occurred to you that you're being contrary and unreasonable?" he asked.

"Excuse you," I replied with a disapproving sniff, "you're the one who's being judgemental and unreasonable. How does one not even think, anyway? I can't imagine that."

"I bet you can't," he said. "You wouldn't have anything you don't want to think about."

"What is that supposed to mean?" I snapped.

But I knew what it meant. He thought I was acting too carefree, so much so that I couldn't possibly have real problems.

Nonsense.

Like there was something good about having problems that made you shut down your thinking just to forget them. I liked my life the way it was, which would have been perfect if it wasn't for Father's attitude and that unpleasantness with Adrian Rider and the memories of Mother and Ethan still haunting me and Iris's betrayal that I hadn't really thought about because Ryan was there to distract me…

'Ah,' I thought sadly, 'here comes the pain of that fresh wound again. Suddenly, the idea of not thinking is starting to look attractive.'

"So, how do you do it?" I asked, pushing down the pain. "Not think, I mean?"

He looked at me like he thought I was joking, and he had decided it wasn't funny.

"I'm serious!" I insisted. "It would be, uh… a useful skill to learn. Stuff does get too much for me sometimes, believe it or not."

He kept watching me for a beat or two, then returned his gaze to the water and stared meditatively at it.

"I can't guarantee that what works for me would work for you," he said finally. "But I let myself get lost in the flow of the water, and I imagine that it's washing my worries away with it. When we run into difficult problems… we tend to barrel into them and get frustrated when they don't give way. Sometimes we just need to take a step back and look away from them, then look again with fresh eyes after we've let ourselves calm down. Things aren't always as bad as they look, you know. Most times, we just need a break and a different approach, and they'll turn out alright."

Those words did something in my chest that I hadn't expected. It was like a sunbeam melting inside me, filling me with all this warmth, and suddenly I was gulping because my throat was dry and…

That… I realized, startled, sounded exactly like something Ethan would have said.

"But what about things that are actually as bad as they look?" I blurted out before I could stop myself.

There was something about him that made me want to pour out all my problems, all my painful feelings about Father and Mother and Ethan and Iris. About how I was starting to fear that my life was more messed up than I thought. Having to sleep with a man I didn't care for and pull off this deceit just to escape being treated like something to be sold or else discarded…

'But he's a total stranger,' I reminded myself. 'Are you so desperate for comfort that you're turning pathetic?'

"Then you fix it, one step at a time," he said.

I blinked at him. "What?"

"When things are as bad as they look, you simply fix them," he repeated, a small smile on his face. "You don't have to do it all at once. Fix it step by step, celebrating each victory, and believing that you'll be alright."

I didn't know what my face was doing right then, but I thought I might cry. I turned away immediately, blinking rapidly to discourage the tears. If he thought I was acting odd, he didn't comment. He simply patted my shoulder gently, then left his hand on it.

I probably should have shrugged the hand off— I was supposed to be stronger than this, after all —but I didn't.

We sat there, in companionable silence, for what felt like hours.

"The orientation is probably over by now," I said finally, getting up. "I should head back to the dormitories. Are you coming?"

"I'll sit here a while longer," he replied.

"Okay. I'm Ryan Vance, by the way. Of the Nightshade pack."

"It was a pleasure to meet you, Ryan Vance of the Nightshade pack," he replied.

I waited, but he didn't offer his name, so I shrugged and headed out of the forest.

……

Finding my way back to the dormitories wasn't exactly an easy task, but I succeeded eventually. My roommate still hadn't returned, and I was about to start unpacking when something on my bedside table caught my eye. It was a letter sealed in a gold-lined black envelope. I picked it up, and the signature nearly made me drop it immediately.

It was from Iris.