Boys Like Him

A confusing kiss

My back hit the seat with a small thud. His thumb stroked the hinge of my jaw, tilting my chin enough for him to deepen the kiss, coaxing my lips to part. A low sound...his, not mine, vibrated against my mouth when I responded.

His fingers threaded into my hair. The shock detonated in my chest... heat, fear, confusion all tangled. My other fingers clamped around my backpack straps, heart exploding against my ribs as if trying to escape. His hand slid to the back of my neck, sending sparks down my spine in ways I was absolutely not prepared for.

I fisted the front of his shirt. The kiss slowed, then lifted, then returned with more certainty. His mouth brushed the corner of mine, gently at first, then with a teasing pull that made my breath break against him.

That tiny, broken breath snapped everything.

I jerked back so hard the seatbelt cut into my collarbone. "Open. Open the car!"

His head snapped back, eyes wide. "Hey... hey, okay... okay, relax..."

"No!" I scrambled at the door, fingers shaking, almost tripping over the seatbelt. "Unlock it! Now! Please!"

He pressed the unlock button instantly, concern flashing across his face.

"Nyelle, wait, just talk to me..."

But I was already halfway out.

Cold air slammed into me as I stumbled onto the sidewalk. My vision blurred around the edges. I braced my palms on my knees, trying to breathe, but everything felt too much.

I took off down the street, backpack forgotten in the car, legs pumping, heart thundering in a violent, uneven rhythm. My breath came in sharp bursts that scraped my throat raw. I didn't know where I was going, I just needed to get away...

Behind me, I heard the car door slam.

"Nyelle!" His voice echoed. "Wait! Stop... just slow down!"

I ran faster.

"Nyelle!"

"Leave me alone!" I shouted, voice breaking painfully. "Please! Please just go!"

My feet slapped against concrete. Wind tore at my hair, and my lungs burned, but I kept going, driven by a cyclone of fear and embarrassment.

He slowed behind me. I could hear it, the soft fall-off of his footsteps, and the hesitation. He wasn't chasing anymore. He was... letting me go.

My legs carried me until the adrenaline snapped.

I slowed to a near-stumble, then a shaky stop, pressing both hands to my chest as if I could hold my heart still by force. The world spun around me in dizzying spirals. My knees felt weak, and my throat burned.

I bent forward, dragging in desperate, uneven gasps.

I found a spot on the curb a few blocks away, beside an overflowing trash bin that smelled like old onions and street dust. Not exactly poetic, but it matched what was happening in my chest. I hugged my knees tight, pressing my forehead against them until my vision went black behind my eyelids.

My lips still tingled, and I hated that they did.

A bitter laugh slipped out of me. "Wow! Amazing! Fantastic! I'm actually that stupid."

Was that all he wanted? A ride home in exchange for... God. Heat crawled up my throat, part embarrassment, part disgust.

Did he think I was that cheap? Easy? The kind of girl you could corner in a car and kiss before she even had time to breathe?

I dug my fingers into my shin.

"Of course," I muttered under my breath. "Of course, he's like that. All pretty boys are the same. Smile, touch, kiss, disappear."

I buried my face deeper into my arms and groaned loud enough that a passing cyclist stared at me like I was crazy.

I didn't know how long had passed, but I knew I couldn't sit there forever. I lifted my head, wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand, and flagged down the first cab I saw. The entire ride home, my fingers wouldn't stop tapping against my thigh. The city lights blurred against the window, each one reminding me of how stupidly hopeful I'd been, and how easy it was for him to tilt my whole axis.

The cab pulled to a stop in my driveway.

I paid the driver with trembling fingers and stepped out, and froze so abruptly the door almost closed on my ankle.

Lloyd was there just sitting on the stone ledge in front of the building, elbows on his knees, and head bowed.

When he heard the cab door slam, his head snapped up.

His eyes, God help me, went wide. Relief washed across his face so fast it almost looked painful. He stood immediately, almost knocking his knee into the ledge in his rush.

"Nye..." he started, breath catching like he'd been holding it for hours.

My heart stuttered.

"Hi," he added, letting out a deep exhale.

I froze halfway up the walkway, my breath snagging on surprise.

"Hi," I echoed, my voice embarrassingly soft.

He stepped forward, then stopped himself. He dragged a hand over his jaw, exhaling shakily. "I'm... I'm really sorry for kissing you without your permission."

I swallowed, eyes darting to the pavement and the chipped step, anywhere but his face. "Just... leave me alone!"

He shook his head quickly. "I was worried," he admitted. "You ran off so fast I..." His voice dropped. "You left your stuff in my car."

He nudged the pile beside him with his foot, my bag, wallet, and bottle. Everything I'd forgotten in my blind panic.

Just seeing them there made humiliation wash over me again.

"Thank you," I whispered, but my voice trembled.

I stepped closer to grab my things, wanting to get inside before my composure gave out again, but he reached forward for a gentle touch against my wrist. A brush of warmth that made me freeze.

"Please..." he murmured, his voice almost pleading. "Let me."

"I can carry my things myself." The words came out clipped.

"I know you can." He met my gaze for a heartbeat. "I'm asking because I want to help. You look exhausted."

I ignored him.

I crouched, grabbed my cardigan, and stuffed the bottle into my bag with fumbling fingers. I zipped everything so quickly that the sound was harsh in the quiet evening.

I stepped past him.

He didn't follow.

The short walk to my door felt like crossing a mile. My keys slipped twice before I managed to fit them into the lock, that's how badly my hands were shaking. When the door finally clicked open. I stepped inside and shut it behind me with a trembling breath.

I slid my bag off my shoulder, thumping to the floor, forgotten the second they left my hand.

I made it straight into the bathroom, locked the door, and leaned back until the cool wood pressed into my spine.

That was all it took.

My chest caved.

The breath I had been holding since the sidewalk shuddered loose. I slid down to the floor, folding my knees against my chest, fingers digging into my scalp as if I could hold my thoughts still.

His face kept flashing behind my eyelids, the kiss, the panic, and the way he had looked at me just now....

I pressed my forehead to my knees, trying to quiet the storm.

But all I could think was, was I that stupid for feeling something when he looked at me?

The questions clawed at my throat, and I couldn't tell if I was angry at him... or at myself.

Probably both.

Definitely both.