Undone by a Broken Angel

25.) Confessions

“And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

-John 8:32

Tension seems to fall away from him with every mile we fly over the green earth.  My wings feel stronger now, even though I have been flying for only a week.  The few days I've spent apprenticing under Abe has paid off and I can keep up with him quite easily, though the ache in my muscles still creeps in hours later.  It's a rush, the way the wind holds me up, my feathers vibrating against the pressure.  I definitely prefer to fly in the falcone traditional dress rather than the human attire I've worn my whole life.  the cloth pulls at the joint that connects my wing bones to my shoulders.  I can imagine that I'll have some more blisters to take care of later.

Abe looks comfortable though.  I expect he's used to flying in human clothing.  I've never seen him so angry before, though I did hear it the morning I woke up; I didn't like seeing it.  I don't like seeing him angry; other than being frightened of what he could do- because the shadow that surrounds him makes me uneasy- I'm worried about his well being.  No one should be talked at the way Nathanael was.  That's why I spoke up to separate them when normally I would walk away.  Abraham is a kind man and doesn't deserve to be treated that way.

Despite him fighting letting me go with him, it seems as though he's glad I did.  He doesn't say anything; he doesn't need to.  The few times I look back at him, his face is calm and collected, at peace in this moment miles above the earth.  What surprises me is that I'm glad I've come.  Sure, I may have been comfortable staying back to study and learn, but there's something peaceful about being by his side alone in the sky.  I have to wonder if he feels it too.

Some time later when the sun starts to sink down the horizon behind us, we dive for the trees below and land in a small clearing.  I almost didn't notice it from the sky, but as they approached the forest canopy, the opening appeared, just wide enough for our wings to fit through.  The ground is covered in a thick moss and overlays all the rocks, sticks, and other debris on the forest floor.  The close knit trees cover the clearing mostly in shadow, but the small opening above them allows a small beam of light to filter into the clearing.  Once my feet touch down, I begin looking for the path that will lead them to the nearby village that will have an inn to sleep in for the night, but when I see that Abe isn't doing the same, I find him kneeling down and rummaging through his pack.

Oh no.

"What's going on?" I ask hesitantly, a million objections at the tip of my tongue.

"No inns," he says firmly, reading the worried look on my face.  "We need to stay away from humans as best we can."  He continues to explain when he sees me question his reason, "because reapers prey on humans-"

"They'll be where humans are.  Got it." I finish for him.  Abe has been living this way for a long time- in fear of where the reapers may be lurking, and I can understand why he chose to become such a powerful swordsman.  It's not heard of around here to see a dual sword wielder, I've only read about them in books, so it was a shock when he split his blade in half.  He moved like a hurricane and it took everything I had to get swept up in it.

"I'm sorry, but Nathanael distracted me," he apologizes when he pulls out a tent.  "I was going to pack another for you, but then he started his tantrum and it slipped my mind."

Well this is disappointing, but unavoidable.  I've always slept indoors: four walls and a roof, so this makes me hesitate.  I don't know what to expect.  Could an animal get hungry in the night and come looking for food and find us as the source?  Or would we get caught in a storm?  Or what if it's uncomfortable and I don't sleep well?  If I'm tired, I might not be able to keep up with Abe.  However, this worrying is trivial compared to how he must feel.  It would put a kink in all his well laid planning.  He had planned for no inns and if I argue, then we would have to search one out and then putting us in increased danger of being so close to reapers.  It would be better to just go with it and not ruffle his feathers.

I give him a reassuring smile with a tilt to my head.  "I'm sure we can make it work."  I stoop down to help him set it up, the moss that covers the tree-less space makes a sponge-like blanket and my knee sinks into it.  He chose this area well and I wonder if he had picked it out ahead of time.  Has he slept here before?

After a few moments, the canvas tent is up.  It looks like the stereotypical camping tent with two poles, rope, and the canvas.  He rolls out a thick quilt onto the ground and then a single pillow and another blanket to complete the "bed".  I look down at it with disappointment, wondering how on earth two people are going to sleep in it.  I glance up at him and I can see he's come to the same conclusion.

He sighs.  "Like I said, I hadn't planned on bringing you with."

I chuckle.  "I can see that."

He shuffles uncomfortably and then says, "I can sleep outside."

"Don't be silly.  I need you focused for this trip.  I slept in a cold ballroom for seven years, I think I can handle sharing a small blanket," I play it off.

He doesn't reply to the current subject, instead, he mumbles about gathering firewood and heads out into the woods.  I stand alone in the clearing, the forest suddenly becoming eerie, so I sit Indian style in front of the tent and crack open one of Nathanael's books.  The subject is dull and I keep reading the same sentence over and over again, my mind on where Abe has run off to.

Finally, snapping twigs indicate that he's on his way back.  I look over in the direction of the sounds and wait for him to tumble out from the trees.  When he comes into view, his arms are full of sticks, logs, and dried leaves.  He drops them near the tent and begins building a fire.  He soon as it was roaring, and I soak up it's heat not realizing how cold I really was.  Winter is definitely on it's way.

All through my stay, I've thought a lot about the conversation Abe and Nathanael had when I woke up that first day.  Nathanael said Abe cannot be around me and I’ve wondered what that means ever since.  Maybe that's why I'm unable to choose him, but still, why is that?  What on earth could keep him from building a life with a woman, whether or not it be with me.  As he works, I study his face: it looks like he's stressed now that we're on the ground.  I understand that feeling.  After fleeing to Eden in a thunderstorm, I never thought I'd want to leave, but now that I know more about myself and I've seen Abe fight, I feel comfortable traveling with him.  I definitely wouldn't be out here alone.  I wonder if he feels better with company, or if he's stressed about protecting me.

"Can I ask you something?" I wonder, hoping that my questions don't trigger an emotional breakdown.

"Depends," he says, pulling a teasing space, "whether or not you'd answer some of mine."

I shrug.  "That's fair."

He nods for me to start.

I take a deep breath.  "I heard Nathanael say that you can't be with me.  Near me or otherwise.  Why would he say that?"  I watch his face carefully and the question seems to bother him, like I did indeed touch a nerve.

"I suppose you'll learn at some point and I'd rather you learn it from me," he admits.  "It happened ten years ago when I was eleven," he starts, his eyes staring into the flames.  They never look up at me during his story.  "David and I were out running drills above ground.  The bunker belonged to my family and my father was the General that organized the troops.  He had taught me and David a few drills before he passed and we were perfecting them as boys do.  We shouldn't have been outside; we knew better, but we were young and it was hard for us to stay indoors all the time.  Mother came running out to pull us back in- that's when the reapers attacked.  We scattered, as Dad had taught us to do since I still didn't have my wings.  David followed me to protect me, but I convinced him to fly off since the scent of two was easier to find than one.  I tried climbing a tree and I was a couple branches up, when I was pulled back down.  There were two of them and they argued over me, trying to decide how to end my life.  One thought I was human and wanted to suck out my soul, but the other was smart enough to know I was falcone.  Just as they were decided, they were signaled back to the others, so instead of killing me, they infected me."

This confuses me.  Infect?  Like with a disease?

"You see," he clarifies, meeting my eyes for the first time, his brown irises filled with information, "there is a disease that reapers can pass on to falcone.  It's unique to us, and not humans.  We don't know what it is, but it's able to fill our minds with terrible thoughts.  Most of the time, the falcone who fall prey to it, end up killing themselves to keep from murdering their loved ones.  Whole platoons were destroyed this way, so when it was found out that I contracted it, there was a lot of controversy.  There still is."

I'm at a loss for words. Does he ever contemplate suicide?  Would he ever have to go through with it?  "Have you ever hurt anyone?" I ask, wondering if I really should be worried.

"Of course not!  Never!  No one knows how I've survived this far, but I expect it's because mentally, I'm strong.  I've always thought of the worst possible conclusion of any situation and I think it's helped me ignore the things the voice tells me.  Sure I have a lot of anxiety, but I've never let it control me," he explains.  

This might explain why I feel an evil shadow roll off of him.  There is a reason why I should be scared of him after all, so why do I still feel so much trust around him?  It's nice to know that he's never hurt anyone, but the question remains, will he ever hurt anyone if the voice becomes too loud to ignore?

"Has the voice been telling you anything about me?" I find myself asking.

A shadow falls across his face.  "Under no circumstances will I ever repeat what the blasted voice tells me.  The answer to your original question is that since we don't know how this illness works, I cannot risk passing it onto you," he concludes.

"So it's not that you feel you could ever hurt me, it's that you don't want me to fall ill as well?" I clarify.

"That's right.  Others may not like us to be so close to each other, but I trust myself enough to know I'd never hurt you.  Never," he promises.

I accept that and mull over what this means and I come to the conclusion that there really is no way we could ever be together.  The feelings I've been experiencing have been confusing, but they seem to be centered around Abe.  I think about him a lot; about what he's doing, what he's thinking, and about how kind he is.  His eyes and his smile reflect his character and all I see is beauty.  I admire that he told me, most men would want to keep their problems to themselves.  I like that he's opening up.

"Why did you never leave Venice before I came for you?"   His question shocked her.

"I was terrified of what would happen to me, and I was...content with my books, my bed, and my activities," I tell him honestly.  "I never contemplated it because I had wings and I thought I was the only one in the world that did.  What if people found out?  What would come of me? What experiments would they conduct on me?"

He seems to accept this answer.  "And what about your fencing skills?"

"That would all be because of my father.  He loved to sneak into my room at knight and made me fight him.  At first I thought he was trying to kill me, but as the years went on, I realized that he was just bored and was trying to blow off some steam," I tell him.  "I came to enjoy beating him."

He smiles at this, but he doesn't look convinced about Father's reasoning behind his actions.  I don't have any other explanations than the one I had decided on.

Our conversation falls away after that and we eat in silence, enjoying our food and the crackling fire, the wood popping and throwing sparks into the night.  It grows cold and I hug my cloak closer to me and lean into the heat of the fire.  My eyelids droop and my shoulders sag with fatigue, but I don't want to say I'd like to go to bed if he isn't ready.

"You tired?" he wonders, eyeing my posture.

I shrug.

"Come on, lets get some sleep.  We still have a couple more days of flying ahead of us."

As long as we spend most of our time in the air, I don't mind.

He opens the tent for me and I duck down to enter it, avoiding the ropes that hold the canvas taught.  I kneel down, pull back the blanket, and slide under it.  He steps back into the cold night to sleep next to the fire, I assume, and stop him. 

"I'll be warmer if you join me," I say quickly.

He freezes, and then turns back.  "You feel uncomfortable around me," he objects.

"I feel uncomfortable around the illness- I know that now.  I'll feel better with you getting a good night's sleep."  At least, that's what I tell myself.

He seems to accept this and crawls in beside me, keeping a respectable space between us.  My heart is beating fast and I will it to slow by taking a few long even breaths, but having him this close to me in such a small face has me in a buzz yet again.  I hope I can sleep tonight, but it seems like a lost cause.