Undone by a Broken Angel

14.) Attraction

“I am my beloved’s, and his desire is for me.”

-Song of Solomon 7:10

I sit on the fountain with my face in my hands trying to hold back my sadness, the sun setting behind me.  The memory of my mother used to comfort me in the darkness of the ballroom, but now the weight of it’s understanding bears down on me.  My mother was killed by reapers.  She died to keep me alive.

My thoughts are interrupted by a sound.  Footsteps are coming up behind me.  I don’t think anything through and instantly pop up into a defensive crouch, letting my adrenaline drive my actions.  My heart beats in fear.

The underbrush of the jungle moves in front of me, and then Abe falls at my feet.  I jump back, taking me out of my defense.  “Jack!” I yell, mad at him for scaring me, his alias falling from my shocked lips.  I thought he was a reaper!

“AH!  Tha’ hert!” he moans.  His posture is unbalanced and he struggles to get back to his feet..  He looks up at me disoriented- his eyes not focusing on mine.

“Are you drunk?” I ask.  Where did he go to get drunk?

“No!” he yells a bit too loud.  He tries to get up again, but his wobbly legs can’t hold him and he falls back onto the ground with an “oof”.  I grab his arm and pull him up to his feet, laughing at the turn of events.  Only three days ago he was picking me up.  

The smell of alcohol and the evil feeling rolls off of him, but he doesn’t seem bothered by it.  I almost choke on it, the sticky aura of it churning my stomach.

I take him to the house I was in this morning and practically carry him up the stairs to his bed.  He falls onto it, sighing from the comfort.  “Thunk you Ab’gil,” he slurs.

“You’re welcome,” I giggle.  He’s managed to cheer me up once again.

He angles his head to look up at me.  A strange expression comes across his face and he smiles- a heartbreaking smile- and says, “You’re really pretty, Ab’gil!  I wanna kissss you!”

“Sorry sir, but you’ve been drinking,” I reply in a hushed voice.  I had no idea that he had those thoughts for me.  He’s been a gentleman and has shown me genuine respect, something not many women receive.  I gaze at him and bend down to run my fingers through his hair.  I’m surprised by how thick it is, and his brown curls twist around my fingers as if in an embrace.  His brown eyes search my face, wondering what’s going through my mind.  What is going through my mind?  How should I feel about him wanting to kiss me?  Do I want to kiss him back?  Maybe not now, but I could see how I could fall down that path.  He’s handsome, and his brown eyes draw me like a moth to the flame, but I cannot ignore the evil feeling he emits.  It surrounds him like smoke and it’s hard to breathe this close to him.  It’s also hard to think around him.  I back off, taking a deep breath.

“Sssso?”

I smile.

There’s also the thing Nathanael had said about him not being eligible for me as a husband.  I can’t stop turning over the reasons on why that could be, but I’m sure it has something to do about the shadow that surrounds him.  He was asked if he could control it, and I also wonder what that could have meant.

“Go to bed, Jack,” I tease.

He points at me with a scowl on his face, “Okay, Ab’gil.”  He slumps over and passes out, his arm falling lifeless off the edge of the bed.

I arrange him so he doesn’t look like he’s in such an uncomfortable position and pull the blankets over him.  My heart races from his words, and I suddenly realize that I could probably feel the same someday, but not now, not while I’m trying to understand everything.  Too much is going on with me, with my past, present, and future.  I’ll leave my future for later, but right now I need to sort out my past and understand what is going on now.  I still have men to meet and choices to make.  Love can wait, but I wonder if love will wait for me.

No one told me where to sleep, I realize, but as I wander the house in the dark I find a room with nothing but a mattress.  I wonder if this is where Abe had slept while I took up his room.  It takes me a while to locate some blankets, but I finally have everything I want and need to settle down for the night.  I lay on the mattress, looking up at the ceiling, my body completely alive.

Is this normal for a girl to feel?  My skin feels like it’s on fire.  I hadn’t thought about kissing Abe before now and now I can’t get the picture out of my mind.  What would his lips feel like on mine?  How would my body react?  Judging by the way it feels now, I’d probably want more.  But why?  What is it about him that makes me feel this way?

Is it his polite manor?  Is it the way his voice sounds?  I think about it now and the sound comes to mind.  The deep tambour of it spreads through my mind like warm honey and goes straight down to a place I’ve never been aware of.

Father had talked to me about s*x before I became a woman.  He said it’s only practiced to procreate and is only done between married people.  He went through the Bible and he showed me versus  and stories of where adultery had ruined lives and caused wars.  He told me many things that terrified me.  But now I wonder if it could be something someone would want to do, and not just done out of obligation.

I should be tired, but my body hums, and my thoughts go in circles.  Every time I close my eyes I see his eyes searching mine.  I see them looking down my top the morning we fled from the reapers..  I see them stripping the wet clothing off of me to prevent me from falling ill.  I see them drunk- drinking me in.  I see them full of desire.

Did mine mirror that desire?  Would they from now on?

It’s like a fire awakes in me.  

I toss and turn for hours, trying to sleep, but it’s no use.  There’s an ache between my legs that’s foreign to me and I’m not sure what to do about it.

Finally, sleep takes me, but I see visions of passion.  I dream of his embrace, his touch and his kiss.  My skin is tingling when I wake up in the morning, my body still buzzing, but my mind exhausted.  I can just imagine the dark circles under my eyes when I join the two men for breakfast.