Self Portrait

Tribute

[John 16:22] ~

“So you have sorrow now but I will see you again; then you will rejoice and no one can rob you of that joy”

In this life, the only way to get hurt is to care. Grandma cared more than most, loved more than most and was made to suffer more than most because of just how much she cared. But no matter the times she was knocked down or made to endure things that no one should go through, she always got right back up, caring more and loving more.There was magic in her touch and sunshine in her smile. Her eyes sparkled like the stars and in her cheeks fair roses. Her laughter was a source of joy and her heart was gold. There was kindness and compassion found in her embrace. She demonstrated how to handle motherhood with grace and ease. She raised three loving sons and exuded a level-headed competence and grace that amazes me to this day. As I look at the future of motherhood, I am even more in awe of how she not only managed but thrived in her role as a mother. It never took much to make her happy. A phone call, a card, a visit, or a hug and kiss goodbye. She lived to make our lives better and was proud of us. To think that someone like her felt that way about us should make us all feel more than just a little good. Money can be squandered and property ruined, but what we inherited from her cannot be damaged, destroyed or lost. It is permanent, and it keeps her from becoming just a wonderful memory. It allows her in so many ways to remain just as alive as always. Alive through us. We can never forget that there is a part of her in each of us, something that she gave to us and asked nothing in return.

Her death was not a shock to us and in so many ways it was welcomed after she endured so much suffering for so long and yet my heart still yearns to hear her voice one last time, once more to hear her sing you are my sunshine. She always was the one that people leaned on even though it must have felt like a ton. Grandma was always the strength of the family. She is my heart and soul. She always gave me a push to tackle life one breath at a time and to worry less. I miss and love her unconditionally and there will never be a day that goes by I don’t wish she were here. I find myself still wanting to pick up the phone and call her like I used to do. When I lost her, I also lost a piece of my heart that day. I lost that special bond that I will never be able to fill. Grandma played a major part in my childhood years. Ever since I was little, she would tell me how excited she was to watch me grow up and become something special. Each time I accomplish something, be it big or small, it slightly pains me because she is not here to enjoy these moments with me. All my life I cherished every moment I had with her. Life as I know it is permanently different now that she is gone. Finally though she can breathe easy again. Finally grandma is reunited with Papa. I remember long ago I was packing my animal cracker bag that was specifically for zoo trip outings. Overlooking the city on a skyride was one of the highlights amongst many other zoo trips. I can remember this one specifically because papa and i were ready to get on the skyride, but grandma was holding up traffic because she couldn’t decide if she wanted to go on or not because she was fearful of heights. Spoiler alert she went on. There are countless memories of the times I was sitting in her living room on her sofa as she sipped her tea and shared years of wisdom with me. The words she spoke have never been so clear. All of the lessons she taught about love, family values, and to be kind will always remain. Eating crackers, ham and cheese for lunch along with a chocolate fudgesicle for a treat, to cooking homemade baked cookies prepared with special love. From flipping endless channels on the tv to watching several night movies with old school butter popcorn made on the stove. One particular movie I was introduced to by grandma was Fried Green Tomatoes. At first I was hesitant on her choice of selection but then trusted that there was a message behind this movie she wanted me to learn. The message of this film was designed to enlighten and celebrate life and love through death. The film’s characteristics highlight strength and inspiration throughout the course of the movie. Another fond memory is picking oranges off the tree and making fresh squeezed orange juice to go along with our eggs and bacon. We would go on walks to the park and grandma would push me on the swingset, or we would take a walk to Dairy Queen and order a chocolate dipped in chocolate cone. For a period of time grandma started working on a new house project, building a water stream using rocks. We would walk on the beach and pick up different rocks for her house project. One of my favorite memories growing up with grandma was garage saling. Every Saturday mornings were the day of garage salings. The day where grandma and her friends routinely would meet up at McDonald’s in the morning catching up before carpooling. Everyone has that one trip where you went with one family member. For me that was with my Grandma. We took our first girls trip together back in 2014 to Tampa Bay Florida. I remember as we were walking out of the airport we both noticed a big banner for Busch Gardens Theme Park. Grandma and I decided to go and I recall that she and I played the game where you shoot water out into the target. She obviously won, along with almost anything you try to challenge her at such as cards, bridge, mahjong, sewing, typing and so forth

For quite some time I lived with grandma and grandma lived with me. She has never been just my grandmother, but my guardian, my friend and my inspiration. She has inspired me to be strong when I might be weak. She inspired me to be smart and make the right decisions in life. Now we will let her rest calmly. As our tears drip down our eyes, we say goodbye.

To close I will leave you with this. There have been and will be times in our lives when situations arise where we will want so much to talk to her, be with her or ask her just what we should do. I hope that when those times come, we can begin to look at each other and find that part of her that she gave to each of us. Maybe we can learn to lean on each other and rely on each other the way we always knew that we could with her. Maybe then she won’t seem quite so far away. So, for your wisdom, your humor, tenderness and compassion, your understanding, your patience and your love; thank you, Grandma. We will miss you but your spirit and strength lives on in each of us and in the lives that she touched. She lives on in me and in all those who have been touched by the love, strength, conviction, and beauty of her soul.

Grandma, I know your place in heaven has a good view right next to Papa. You are telling God I need to keep an eye on a few. I know you will always be in our hearts and minds. So grandma, I must go but I will never forget you’re one of a kind. Until we meet again.