Self Portrait

What is Life?

Today I ask myself, what is life?

I feel like an outcast from the rest of the world. Everyday feels like a survival game. It is like you’re alive, but you’re not actually living. Instead, you feel this wholesome numbness; this hollow sinking feeling inside your chest where the pain is unbearable that you just felt… indifferent.

Already, we are born into a world of disadvantage, paying for the sins of somebody else’s past. Living an indefinite life of immeasurable uncertainties,difficulties, and obstacles. Life is a fusion of happiness and sorrow. Throughout the course of life there will be infinite uncontrollable outcomes that you will encounter, where all you want is a simple demand in your life to feel like you're not losing your s**t.

My head feels like it is permanently accelerated over 100mph with ceaseless rushing thoughts and feelings that pierce my ears so loud that I have normalized turning on and off my emotions without any hesitation.

When there is an immense amount of pain, trauma and suffering in one’s life, it can oftentimes be too much to bear; leading to a mindful whirlpool of illusions that negatively influence one to put a veil over their real emotions and ignore the heart that whispers only truth. Only letting the outside see what they want to show, while on the inside they are waging a war that they didn’t ask to fight.

I feel lost inside an endless maze drowning in my own insecurities. Looking back with no way out, the darkness has arrived. “You are not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough…”

Can’t focus. Can’t think. Can’t breathe. Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It is the fear of failure but no urge to be productive. It is caring about everything, then caring about nothing. It’s feeling everything at once, then feeling paralyzingynumb.

But!

I am getting better at this so-called life. As I am growing, my perspectives on life are changing. Life is so precious and so time limited that the little things in life aren’t necessary to dwell over. I have learned to not care or involve myself in drama, but to live life to the fullest. Be kind, gracious and humble to everyone because you never know what someone is going through, thinking or feeling.

People are so close-minded, and once you break away from that mindset, you will begin to feel free. You will begin to be happier in life and more positive. I have now become that person. The person who is humble, understanding, the one who people lean on, rely on, and trust.

Relationship is something that I believe is so vital in life. I feel like all the people you encountered with that stayed or left your life taught you something different each time. Each relationship is different from another one. The love is different, the chemistry is different, and the language is different.