Master Gallagher

Called it heartbreak

I felt panicked as I blankly stared at my pocket watch. It finally really hit me when it stroked a minute past eleven.

William was gone.

I felt more sad than angry. In all honesty, I did not know what I was doing. My child would have to depend on a mother like me, I did not know what I was doing. Shot to pieces, emotionally not there. I knew the reason why my mother had purposely let me sleep in, if she hadn't... I did not trust myself either maybe I would have went to see William off.

Why am I so stupid?

My mind keeps going on as if yesterday's events did not happen. It's as if my mind is mentally wiping off the hurtful events that happened and I find myself, missing William, caring about William, concerned for him, troubled on his part. When I woke up, I thought it was all a dream and relief was all I felt until it all came cascading on top of my head like a ton of bricks. I keep trying to convince myself to stay upset. I keeping forcing myself to remember these events for my own good. If I don't, I will be quick to run back straight into his arms. I realized, I did not know what happiness really was until I became close to William. I felt as if nothing could ever excite me as much as I felt when I was with him. I didn't think I would ever look at another man the way, I looked at William. His name left a somber taste in my mouth. All I thought about was him being with her then being with me simultaneously playing us for fools mainly me.

'I did not intend to make Tracy pregnant.." It rang in my head more than I could make out. I tried translating in the best way possible but that only made me very upset. He admitted to having s*x with her but—

he did it with no intention of making her pregnant? I tried translating in a way that favored my thoughts but it was crystal clear that he had been sleeping with her. All along, what hurt was that he deceived me. Everything he said to me, he did it with the intention to make a fool out of me. I most definitely looked stupid and an easy lay like his brothers had said. It all finally started to make sense now. Every single thing he had ever said to me—

_

"I prefer.. when you showed your true monstrous colors. You just want to butter me up before taking me to bed."

"Yes you're right. Figured whenever I'm a tad bit nice to you. I atleast get a wet p***y as opposed to when you're angry at me."

_

He was suddenly much nicer to me because I'm such an imbecile, I fell for it. My mother must have been embarrassed to have me as a daughter. The commune would be laughing when the gossip finally goes around. Nothing ever stayed in secret here. I'd like to think, there was no source of entertainment and when such events occurred; many people found it entertaining. A part of me felt ashamed, i did not want to go outside. I did not want to be seen. Many people would question why I was no longer working in the house which was a privilege. They would question why I was back here.

It made my stomach turn. I did not want to think about it but I couldn't help it. Either William was a dedicated sadist like his family members after all he doesn't seem to fall far from that tree. He did after all take advantage of me at first. He made me pregnant so I would not be with Elliot because he is a sadist and enjoys seeing people suffer. When he gave Elliot more work load, the smirk on his lips when he said it. His father would be so proud. I thought as I wiped my silent tears away.

I suppose maybe he was nice to me to butter me up for bed and he did not intend for this to go too far. The way it had. I tried making up any scenario possible that would give an explanation as to why he did that. He constantly insulted him every chance he got and then he was suddenly calling me beautiful, this must have been a good laugh for him and his elite male club that takes advantages of their maids.

—

"No one will marry you. I will be honest, you're the least attractive or good looking n***o, I have ever came across. You should be glad I even touch you!"

—

"Is there something you would like to say? Spit it out because you look pathetic pouting your lips like that. It's not appealing nor is it attractive! Not that you're even attractive.."

_

"Pathetic.. who would want to marry her of all people!"

—

"You know that I had specifically asked for her to work for us because I was well aware that she is the most hideous and you agreed saying she must not have had many proposals so she would work for us for years and years with no complaints."

—

"I only agreed because I knew there was no way in hell she would seduce you looking like burned charcoal but someone wants to marry her and we can't take that away from her." Lady Tracy had once said.

—

I found myself laughing, laughing because it still hurt. My defence mechanism was laughing because I'm a shortsighted, no that was me being nice to myself. I'm brainless, denser than a Wall, if I didn't read in between those very clear lines. A harlot is what I am. Shameless while at it. I really thought I was better than my mother but she was right, I'm just like her except she is smarter and knows exactly what she is doing while I just open my legs for anyone who is nice to me. Aunt Ruth had told me time and again that my lack of confidence would get me in trouble... I needed validation, I wanted to feel wanted, William realized that and changed his motive of forcing himself on me. Instead he just started being nicer and complimenting me. How I did not question him being nice to me? I was stupid enough to think he really loved me when all he ever talked about was my body. A fetish is what this was, an imbecile is what I am. It must have ticked him off when I wouldn't give into the s*x. That is why it was so easy for him to push me towards Elliot, pushing me to sleep with Elliot because it was for 'us' no it wasn't. Elliot did not deserve what I put him through. My mother was right, I owed him an apology.

_

"My wife shouldn't know." He said. "I was very drunk and I probably said things, I did not mean so don't let it go to your head."

—

Probably because they were planning on having their second child. I laughed but this time, tears fell and I looked like a mad woman.

—

"So you like pretending as if you not have a clue what happen when you're intoxicated... and practically blame me for taking advantage of you."

"I knew you were a smart mouth!" William smirked.

"It's not funny." I told him but he continued laughing.

"It is because you believed it."

"No, it's pathetic and frankly you're not man enough for me."

"And Elliot is?" William retorted.

—

All these signs and I still did not see it. How long did he plan on making a fool out of me? What would happen after the child was born? Deadbeat is probably how it was bound to end. I would get the short end of the stick. "I'm very sorry that you get to have a very very slow naive gullible mother and—" I cried, succumbing to my emotions... I did not know why I was saying these things aloud. "An evil father who probably won't care about you once you're born because you will be in competition with his legitimate children."

I sniveled, my nose was running. I was such a mess. "I will try to be better, I will try... to be a better mother for you. It will be fine, no one has to know that you're..." I did not want to say it. Now I was saying these things more to myself more than my ten weeks old fetus. "Everything will be fine." I tried breathing in and out. "Everything will be alright. Will— I mean Master William will return to his family and—" I sniveled once more rubbing my already swollen eyes.  It was better for me to go back to formal terms. "You will be fine, no one has to know that he is..." I couldn't get it off my chest with out turning into ugly cries. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know what to do. I did not even want to think about the worst cheesy lies that I fell for.

—

"I just want you to know that, you're beautiful, the most beautiful woman I have ever came across. It's not just your body it's your innocent smile..."

—

I really believed that? He did that while we were in bed and probably expected me to finally open my legs for him. I di—

I was interrupted from my self hating realization. My wake up call from day dreaming. "Nashe open up, it's aunt Ruth brought you some thing to eat."

I stayed silent.

I hurriedly wiped my cheeks with the hem of my dress. I probably looked my worst and I was not in the mood for food. I still opened the door knowing my mother had most probably sent her over.

"Oh dear—" she gasped holding her tray. I know I didn't look my best but her expression made me realize, I looked a little much worse than I thought. Aunt Ruth sat the tray of what seemed like porridge on the bed before coming to give me a hug. Just as she did, my tears gave in again. I could really use a hug. I didn't know I actually needed that.

"He is not worth it, it's fine. We have all been there... I know how the story goes." She whispered comforting me.

"Will you keep it then?" She asked pulling back.

I stayed silent for a moment but then I finally nodded. "He will take my child away, I just know he will."

She hesitantly shook her head and sighed. "By law you're supposed to give him the child to raise with his wife."

This depressed me even more.

"It's fine, we will make a plan. I have a few close friends all around and family in Yorkshire... mainly my brother who managed to earn his freedom a year back. I'm sure he can help... we will figure it out. Your mother and I always know what we're doing. Now you're such a pretty girl don't let that jerk make you cry too much alright?"

I nodded.

I had a tiny bit of hope for a second, I did not want to ever see William again. A part of me hated myself for saying that but I did not wish to see him again; truthfully. Maybe it was a temporary feeling but I just did not want him anywhere near me and my child.

—