Master Gallagher

Dear Panashe Pt1

Dear Panashe

You most probably do not wish to speak to me or anything of that sort. Unchanging, I'm not quite free from doubt as to how I will get this message across to you. If they do not get across to you that is also fine with me. A little disappointed but I presume, this is good therapy for me. I need to let a lot of things out. In all likely hood, I do not blame you for the way you reacted. You put all your trust in me, trust that I would be only faithful to you. I will not indulge in narcissism and say perhaps 'I'm only a man.'

Yes, I'm only a man but it does not give me the right to set in motion with every woman... I come across. Is it wrong that I feel I wronged you even though you're practically the other woman? That came off as rude... I apologize. I'm heavily saddened because I left without saying goodbye. I left without, embracing you with all the love I feel for you. I left without explaining myself. I'm afraid, I always get sea sick. I have been in my cabin for the last two days trying to keep sane. I do not feel like walking about and conversing in feeble minded conversations like my father and my brothers.

They quite enjoy making fun of every third class person, they come across on the ship. I suppose, I'm leaning away from the main source of hostility between us. I admit, I had my cake and ate it. I without a doubt, laid with you and my wife continuously, simultaneously. Unforgivable but I beg for your forgiveness. You mean the world and so much to me, even now... I'm selfish enough to wish Tracy miscarries.

Your mother was very defensive. I understand, if I had a little girl who was having an affair with a man who is married and not entirely honest. I'd be hostile too. It's only been two nights away and you're all I think of. You have built a fort in my mind and as much as I tried to make you leave, you refuse. I tried everything... everything possible to hate you, loathe you and feel absolutely disgusted with you.

At first, you did not seem to care... how I treated you. It tore me apart that you did not at all mind to any of my cruelty. You went on with you day as if your life was absolutely splendid. I admire your strength and positive outlook. I assumed it was a positive outlook until you told me that you wished to get beaten to death or become deathly ill. You spoke of it so naturally unbothered. That night, I thought of how it would be without you. I couldn't imagine it. I couldn't imagine not watching you smile at Liam every morning even when his father had... relentlessly taken advantage of you the night before.

You make being happy seem easy. That was before, I find out that you cry often in fact everyday before you sleep. Courageously smiles throughout the day and cries in the comfort of concrete walls. You intrigued me. You still do. I reckon I'm off topic but when I start to think about you, my mind disarray's.

I had an appointment with one of my patients, whom I shall not name because I respect them confiding in me. Let's call this man Garreth, Garreth has a daughter who was expecting. I delivered the child... they begged me not to say anything regarding the issue that the child was... mixed. I promised, I wouldn't. I watched as they bathed the new born in milk... to whiten her skin. Garreth's daughter had an affair with a n***o. It has always felt very... harsh and uncomfortable for me to say that. I'd much rather call him, a black man. Garreth's daughter fell in love with a black man. I never seem to get the concept either. We're pink not white and you're brown not black. I'd really love to have a talk with the person who created these standards and names. I'm sorry, I get so caught up in small things that shouldn't matter as I was saying.

I was taken aback but you know what it made me realize? Everyone has secrets. Not everyone is following the rules, we're told to abide by. People are indulging in... I would never call my loving you a sin. It made me realize that everyone that we know and admire, respect in every way... they have been involved with another race. Be it in secret or knowingly. Even not then perhaps they have really wanted to. I felt guilty for so long but.. not anymore. You love whomever you love. I can safely say that the hardest thing to do is not act upon your feelings for someone because it would be immoral and heavily frowned upon.

I'd move to any place, that allowed me to be with you. Being with you would be a dream. I fantasize about waking up next to you, treating you right like my wife, doing everything to make you happy without hiding behind closed doors. You make me feel unexplainable things. I believe in fate, I believe in the one... you were made for me and it's unfortunate that there are so many obstacles that condemn us being together.

I think my father knows.

He sat me down while my brothers were out doing God knows what they get up to without their wives. Hypocritical of me because I'm practically writing my (I would never call you a mistress) my woman a letter of irrelevant things that have been going through my head.

My father asked me what was going on with me and the maid...! I quickly said nothing. He shook his head and said he once walked in on us. That absolutely terrified me to no end. I let out a nervous laugh and asked when... that's when he chuckled and gave me a pat on the back. Then he said he knew I was secretly indulging in the good stuff. He seemed a little too drunk. I figured, he only said he walked in on us just so I could review anything and let my guard down.

I asked him, why he called them the good stuff. He chuckled before saying... 'I quite enjoy being with a woman of color from the first time... I did it, I knew I would never stop. I was Seventeen and she was sixteen. We had no know what we were doing but we did in anyways in the barn house with hay. We did it again, inside the horse stables... I can still smell the horrid stench. Funny enough, we knew we were doing the wrong deed and had to do in the small corner while the horse stood out front. Without a doubt traumatized. I never explained why I have a crooked nose... of course the bloody horse kicked me. For years, I have had to lie that I fell off a horse.'

This was the first time my father had been somewhat completely honest. 'She fell pregnant and my father dealt with her so that was very tragic. Even in his death bed, I spat on his face because of it. I don't like to display softness, it renders me weak. I often think about how it would have been given the chance but that's purely nonsense. Perhaps the worst deed, I have ever done. I caused someone an early death. I caused many early deaths... I damn right know I'm going to hell but then I remember Jesus sorely died for my sins and if I don't commit more. He did not die for nothing.'

My father is a sick bastard but I have lesser fear of him, causing you any harm. He is old and thinks like a child at most times. I'm more convinced, he might be open to this, us. I would leave Tracy in the blink of an eye. I'm willing to take care of my child but I want nothing else with her. If I have to stay married to her for another year, I will go off one's rocker. I will hopefully write soon if given the chance, privacy, paper and ink.

Yours and only yours

William

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This made up for it. One out five letters. Not making the mistake of saving them for later. She couldn't wait to read the next, they made her feel awfully excited and giddy. There were of course some words she struggled reading but whenever she mouthed the starting sound, she would soon get the meaning. William made her smile even with an ocean between them.

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I'm updating Troubled bec readers on i********: voted Master Gallagher out and pushed for Troubled to receive updates first and that's what I have been up to. Thanks for the support :D

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