Master Gallagher

Called it controlling

Perhaps my, leaving William's letter and gift unopened in full view of my mother was a mistake. I got occupied, I had to return to the kitchen and do my duties. When I got the chance, I had just stuffed it under a pillow before going back to the main house. When I returned, I was tired and went into slumber only to have the worst possible dream. I did not want to think about it or dwell on it. The thought of it scared me to death.

After thirty-minutes of looking for it. I sat back on the bed. My baby bump was growing over night, almost thirteen weeks. Still was not noticeable but I knew I had to get ready for when it would be. My mother must have taken it, there was no other person who stayed in this room. This room is small and I had searched up and down... each and every corner but I did not find it. I assumed maybe I never actually brought it here or maybe I lost it. I was being delusional, maybe I left it with Hector. Maybe I actually did bring it here. When I could not detect it, I just assumed many other scenarios.

I really really wanted to know what William had said. Even though my twenty-first birthday had passed. I had not even done much on the day not that I ever did. The most I got out of my birthdays were well wishes, I was always alright with that. Once, William had asked me of my age, I panicked and told him... I was old enough. I understood being with an older man was not taboo but I somewhat felt if William knew maybe he would withdraw from everything. He once despoiled me so clearly it did not matter how old I actually was. He watched me grow so maybe he had an idea of how old I was. Mostly, I was afraid that maybe William was different maybe he preferred to date women two years younger like his wife. Five years was not much of a difference but sometimes, it bothered me. He had once called me immature...

I was.

I am.

That is why I threw all the tantrums that I did. It is the sore reason why I had started to believe that William did not love me. Deep down, I knew it might not be the case. I knew that I could make excuses to make him a bad person and for me to have more reasons to hate him. Yes, I was immature for thinking he would not solicit his wife just because he was with me. I was getting ahead of myself. He might care about me and show affection... make me pregnant but I also need to accept that, I'm not the center of his world. He has other people whom he cares for furthermore love be it, I like it or not; his wife might be one of them. I was acting like a child, I had literally proven his point but then again, it actually hurt. I wouldn't pretend that, it didn't. It really left me bruised. Trusting him would be hard. Why am I even saying 'trusting him' as if I have an actual relationship with him. A lot of my reality is about to change. Most things  I am accustomed to are about to drastically change for the worst. I don't expect him to leave his wife and child. I need to be worried more about Master Joshua's reaction and the treatment I will get around the plantations.

In mid thoughts, my mother suddenly entered the room. The wooden door always made this annoying sound when it opened or closed. It was broken and brought frigid conditions within. I suppose I was a little too used to the life, I had in Marlborough. William was so handy, he fixed everything around the house and made sure doors were always permanently sealed from the cold. He never ever made someone work for him around the house. It was something he was indubitably good at. There was a garden boy who came around often but other than that William was always very handy. My mother couldn't exactly complain, I guess. This was already so much privilege as opposed to those who lived in the commune. A room could be occupied with six beds, having a bed was even reaching. Most slept on the hard cold floor.

"Mama, have you seen something... I put under my pillow..?" I asked politely.

"No." She dismissed.

"It's very important to me." I added.

"So how does that exactly involve me?"

I felt a bit nicked by her bold statement.

"I suppose, I must have lost it." I sighed, sadly looking at my hands. I did not want to be rude to my mother, I did not wish to upset her. I just did not want to risk her becoming absolutely infuriated with me.

"You must have." She said haughtily. It annoyed me, she must have had my letter.

"Mama, please.." I decided to beg.

"Please what?!" She furrowed her eyebrows. Fear immediately cut and ran down my spine. My throat felt constricted and dry.

"It would really give me piece of mind to know what William had to say. I—"

"Stop entertaining him!" She abruptly cut me off.

"But—"

"No, listen here as long as you stay under this roof. You will not mention his name or bring his bribery gifts and letters here." She clicked her tongue. "You like to act as if this is Romeo and Juliet. I am your mother and I know exactly what's good for you. I have known and made decisions for you ever since you were a child. It is sorely my fault that you're pregnant, I should have never ever suggest you work there. I will deal with this mess, I created."

"I just want to know what he said..." I felt overwhelmed, biting my lower lip to keep myself from crying. My eyes just stung, stung with tears. I did not want to cry but this made me sad and helpless.

"You do not need to know what he said but I have to give it to him. He sure knows the right things to say."

"Please mama!" I cried.

"Stop, you know I can't bare to see you cry. I know this is for the best and you will thank me one day."

"Y-y-ou a-a-re being v-very selfish." I let out trying to contain the tears that would not stop running down my cheeks.

"Don't be ridiculous..." She said wiping my tears. "Elliot is waiting for you outside. Get cleaned up."

"I don't want to see him!"

"You will go outside and see your husband. Panashe, stop being intolerable. Just stop it!"

I silently looked away. Hiccuping, from my tears. I felt so betrayed. I felt so helpless.

I miss William.

"I do not enjoy seeing you cry, my child." She said softly but I immediately pulled away and stayed silent. "If it brings you joy, I would have given you the letter so you stop being a child but unfortunately I burnt it out of anger. I could not stand him talking about your intimacy. It absolutely disgusted me because I know he did nothing but exploit your innocence."

As she spoke, my only thoughts were to find Hector and have him tell me.

Truthfully.

I did not read the letter because of the excitement, I felt. I wanted to be seated when I read it. I wanted to be alone and smiling when I read it for the first time but so much for that. I wanted to be able to read it over and over again then hold it close to my heart. I felt a lot of anger towards my mother but I couldn't express it. I couldn't—

"Don't be angry now? Pretty girls don't frown."

"That won't make me feel better, I'm not a child anymore." I said immediately standing up to leave. She was shocked by my actions. When I opened the door, I found Elliot standing nearby. He immediately turned to look at me and noticed my tears. I tried to compose myself, he looked at me with so much pity.

"Maybe we should take a walk, I assume you haven't had it easy since returning."

I nodded, tears still threatened escaping from each eye. Elliot frowned. "Everything will be fine, don't cry. I do not know much but I doubt it's good for the baby."

When my mom saw me talking to Elliot and finding comfort in his arms. She smiled, walking away. She probably assumed something else. It would never be that. I refuse to let it happen.

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