Peeking Into The Past
1002 Words
She stared at the ceiling for a long time after waking up.
The air in her room felt thick—like it was filled with things she didn’t say out loud. With memories she had buried so deep, they only resurfaced when she let her guard down.
And tonight, Zayn had gotten too close. Not physically, but emotionally. And that was worse.
Because when she started to feel safe, her mind betrayed her.
It dragged her back.
Back to that day.
She had just come home from school. Her mum had to run to the market and left her in the care of him—the one she used to call “Uncle.” Her mum’s trusted friend. Always laughing, always sweet-talking everyone at church, always offering to help.
She had trusted him.
Until the moment he sat next to her on the couch.
“You’ve grown so much,” he said, his eyes trailing over her in a way that made her squirm.
She remembered the way he leaned in, brushing her hair behind her ear. The way his voice dropped to a whisper that felt too soft, too slow. How his hand rested on her thigh—not roughly, not suddenly, just... like it belonged there.
It didn’t.
Her body stiffened, her breath caught in her chest. She wanted to move, to run, but her legs wouldn’t cooperate. Her body shut down, confused by the voice that said “Don’t be scared,” while his hand kept moving higher.
“I’m just showing you what love feels like,” he’d said.
She remembered what happened after that - something pleasurable but not enjoyed because it was forced.
Just that her mum came home a little later. Just that she never said anything.
Not then. Not the next day. Not the next year.
She didn’t know how to explain why she started pulling away from hugs, or why she hated sleeping with her door unlocked, or why she wore oversized clothes even when it was hot, or why she felt insecurities about her body.
She never said why her heart clenched every time a boy leaned too close.
They wouldn’t believe her anyway.
Who would believe that he—the man who bought them groceries when they were broke, who helped her mum fix the leaking roof—could do something like that?
So she kept quiet.
Buried it under the voice she used to coach people through their relationship problems. Buried it under fake smiles, sarcasm, and a hundred “I don’t catch feelings” jokes.
But now, Zayn was getting close.
And closeness was terrifying.
Because what if he touched her and she froze?
What if she cried in the middle of something beautiful?
What if she couldn’t handle being wanted—genuinely, gently—and broke everything before it even began?
Benny curled into herself, her pillow pressed to her chest.
The tears were silent, but they kept coming.
She didn’t know how to fix what was broken inside her.
She just knew she couldn’t let anyone else see it.
Not yet.
*****
The morning sunlight bled into Benny’s room slowly, like it knew she wasn’t ready to face the world. Her eyes were swollen from the night before—tears she never planned to cry, memories she never asked to remember. But she got up anyway. She always did.
The cold shower numbed her skin, but not her thoughts. She stared at her reflection afterward—blank eyes, pale lips, hair clinging to damp shoulders. It was the same face she wore every day, yet inside, everything felt different.
School didn’t pause for her sadness.
She slipped into class like a shadow, silent and unnoticed. Her usual mask was intact—emotionless, focused, unreadable.
But Zayn noticed.
He was leaning against the wall just outside the science block, arms crossed casually. His eyes lit up when he saw her, but his smile dimmed the moment he caught the look on her face—distant, withdrawn.
She didn’t look at him.
Not once.
Not in the hallway. Not during class. Not even when he passed her a note just to make her smile.
After the bell, he caught up with her at her locker.
“Hey,” he said softly.
She looked up, startled. “Oh… hey.”
“You okay?” His voice was lower than usual, careful.
Yeah, just tired.” She gave a weak shrug, her fingers fumbling with her books.
Zayn watched her for a moment. “You’ve been quiet.”
“I’m always quiet,” she said, her tone too controlled.
He didn’t respond right away. Then, “Not like this.”
She paused, biting her lip. The words sat on her tongue—truths she could barely admit to herself. That she hadn’t slept. That her chest still ached. That being around him reminded her of everything she both wanted and feared.
Instead, she said, “It’s nothing.”
He nodded slowly, as though deciding not to push. “You wanna walk to class together?”
She gave the smallest nod.
The hallway was mostly empty now. They walked side by side in silence. Zayn glanced at her more than once, trying to read what she wouldn’t say.
Benny felt the warmth of him beside her. Part of her wanted to lean into it. But another part screamed to stay guarded.
That night, curled up in bed, her phone screen glowed in the dark. She opened her messages and typed something she didn’t dare send:
“I like you a lot, I've had a crush on you since forever Zayn, I really like you but I just can't, I have a past that won't let me open up to you, I don't know how to hug a guy, I've never hugged anyone before I don't want you to be disappointed”
She stared at it for a while, then erased it all.
But the truth still sat in her chest like fire.
- Writer
