Swollen Heads & High School Boys

Puffy-eyed Fish

I'm angry.

Most of the time I am, but today, I'm more so than the usual. I can't believe she did this again!

I have more than 99 problems right now, and my sister takes up more than half of those. It isn't the first time she'd done this. She is the devil. I can't help the way I feel about my situation.

I did not ask to be born a twin. I hate my face so much that personally, I don't even own a mirror. Everyone's like "Christy is such a talented girl! I just wish my son could follow her example. He is such a troublesome child and to think he use to be the cute one." Well, f**k you too. Guess I'm ugly now since I don't feel like mimicking her steps. I'm not jealous, I just hate that she lives only to make me miserable.

I didn't use to be like this. I was actually quiet amicable back in the day. Sweet even. Like, way back. Treated every girl like they were Queens, vulgarity wasn't in my dialect, I was polite and was even part of the school choir. Jesse Christopher Rowan was the kind of turd who finds a cute flower and brings it home to Mom and says, "look Mommy, I found a flower as pretty as you." Which may or may not have actually happened. Okay, maybe it did... but only once. Only Once.

The smile of gratitude, and the cookie I expected to receive never came. Christy Jessica Rowan, my beautiful but bitchy twin sister had come barging in with my strict Father. Strict wasn't even a word when it came to Buckrel Ryder. Bryan, my older brother hadn't even been living with us then since my Dad had him sent to a Catholic Boarding School in some deserted area in Texas.

His statement was that Bryan became a sinner and needed to 'get well' because he was sick. Later on, I found out that it was because he was gay. The specifics were still fuzzy and I lived by a 'don't ask, don't tell' basis.

"Boys shouldn't be picking flowers," she pointed out.

"Son, stop acting like a pansy. Some one will beat you up for it one day," his voice boomed adding some grunting sounds for special effects. As I'd expected, he took the flower and threw it away into the garbage.

Mom would huff, punching my Dad on the shoulder. "I don't see you bringing me any flowers," she argued folding her arms.

Dad, being who he was, "don't you start screwing up this one like you did the first," and that was how the arguments were in my house.

By then Dad had already brained washed Christy into homophobia. My mother didn't put in any opinion towards the subject matter. I always wondered why was it that did they thought it was so wrong for a boy to like another boy. Asking my Father rewarded me with me slap across the face one time.

*****

I was on the roof, hiding in a corner smoking a joint, when a mop of black hair peeked from the side of AC unit supplies and sea-blue eyes narrowing at me. "What's crawled up your butt?" Jason asked sliding down right beside me on the pavement.

"Nothing," I spat.

Jason was a good friend. Well, I like to think of him as my henchman. He doesn't say much, and his intimidating stoic face scares people. The bully and creepy silent guy. What a wonderful pair, huh? Creepy wasn't even what I'd say though because he was actually a good looking guy.

With cropped black hair, and square jaw, he would be classified as hot, but his eyes were ice-blue. Cold and unreadable. It didn't help him that he only smiled once in a blue moon, and was as unsociable as I was stupid. He did make it up by being super observant and thoughtful.

We enjoyed a comfortable silence and some good weed for a minute. "Dammit!!" I shouted just for the hell of it. I was just really mad. Hurt.

"This wouldn't have happened if you had only stopped bullying him," he said already reading me like a book.

"I can't help bullying the one I like. It's like an unconscious thing," I seethed. "But, she knew it. That's why she dated him. I don't know why Christy keeps f*****g every guy I get interested in. She always goes for them, like it's her sole existence to piss me off. That air-headed act doesn't fool me one bit."

Oh yeah, I forgot to add that on top of all my issues, let's add 'being gay' as one of them too.

Jason was the only one who knew. He found out on his own and knowing the person he was, I didn't find the need to deny it. All he had said as we begun getting acquainted was, "you have weird tastes in men". Either way, he wasn't disgusted like I thought he would be. Slowly he became a person I could actually call a friend. Sure, I had other friends in school, but we didn't pull like Jason and I did. You could say, it was special.

We clicked.

I heard him scoff as he passed me the joint. "But for a Nerd-boy, he sure gets more girlfriends than you."

I gave him a really?' look and his lips twitched. "Gee, you're some help," I threw back sarcastically. "I don't need to hear that from a guy who hasn't got a girlfriend before."

I heard him suck at his teeth, "oh please, I got you. I don't need to be 'Dr. Phil-ing' anyone else." I rolled my eyes at his comment. "It's not like they last long anyways," he added as if he knew something. "Plus, I don't think she did it on purpose this time."

"Oh really? Well, I'm disagreeing here buddy. Rob, Dennis, Rudy, all were taken away from me. People who I'd treated with genuine care, were all deceived by her. Who does she think she is? Aphrodite? Who else it's going to be now huh? Jack?"

"Jack?" he asked with a lifted brow. "You mean, Jack the librarian."

"Okay, maybe not Jack," I corrected. Jack was a Gothic student-worker from the Art Club working as the librarian. Gothic-guys were not my thing, though his sense of style was indeed unique. My Math tutor, Roman, who happens to be my brother's boyfriend's little brother, is a flamboyant college student, who was also a Bisexual little s**t with nothing to do with his advanced intellectuality than to poke s****l jokes at Jack. It was quiet entertaining to watch Roman try to get a reaction out of the Goth guy and failing miserably at it.

After passing him back the joint, I got up brushing the dirt off the back of my trousers. I hadn't even told Jason about having a tutor, I just wanted to impress Nerd-boy with how good my grades were. "Ahhh!" I yelled, letting out my bubbling anger some more. No one is going to hear me up here anyway. I just felt really shitty.

--------

Like I stated, I was nice before she started ruining my life. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating with the 'ruin' word, but really though, my confidence was next to zero. My list of insecurities was just getting longer, instead of shorter through out the years. I don't even know when it all happened.

We all grew up together. Christy, Jason and I. He was actually my neighbor when we first moved out here with my brother. We all hanged out together when we were kids. She had always been a b***h to me even then.

All it took was knowing that he owned an aquarium. I loved staring at a particular fish of his with big eyes that protruded out of it's face. It looked very alien-like. Christy said it looked gross, the same moment that I said it looked cute. It turned out to be Jason's favorite fish. Christy being the 'suck-up' that she was, quickly tried to cover up it with a "Gross but I guess I can see the cuteness in it."

His parents would always fuss over Bryan and us after knowing that he was doing his best to try and take good care of siblings. They doted on us more than any normal neighbors usually do. That was just the kind of parent's Jason Orielle had. Even with three kids of their own, they always invited us over since they had a pool in their backyard. While they were swimming around in the pool, I stood and watch. I didn't know how to swim, I watched as they carelessly splashed in the water, giggling and laughing.

"Why don't you come in?" Jason asked coming out, water splashing all over the concrete, shaking himself dry like a dog would, with Christy trailing behind him.

Christy gave a hearty laugh, and said, "he's afraid of the water and doesn't know how to swim. Dad said it's because he's such a wimp."

Feeling my boyish pride being stabbed, I argued, "am not!"

"Are too. That's why he left."

"Am Not!"

"Oh really? Prove it PhotoCopy,"

"You don't need to prove anything. If you want, I can teach you, it's really easy," Jason coaxed.

"I will!" I said, but still didn't get up to move.

"He won't because Dad said he was a little queer" she said nastily. We didn't even know what the word meant but they way she said it, made it sound like it was something bad.

"I am not!" I yelled getting up angrily. By then, we were facing off. Identical faces staring at each other. Two short blondes staring at each other, the same angry looking dark brown eyes, and pale skin were in sort of a face-off. Except hers was more smug and mocking, while mine was red, and scowling, with eyes already getting glossy.

"Are you gonna cry me another pool?" she asked.

"Okay stop it...!"

"Shut up. I swim when I want to! Stop being a b***h!" I yelled cutting off Jason, who was trying to defuse the fight.

"Guys...!"

Her face had gone red with the word. Dad had called Mom a b***h many times before, and we somewhat knew what it meant. "You wanna see a b***h?" with that, she shoved me into the water.

All I heard was Jason, who shouted my name as I sunk to the bottom like a rock. The watery depth was swallowing me, like a monster that opened up it's jaws gulping me down into its oceanic gut. My fear engulfed me, and I tried to scream only to swallow water. I grabbed at nothing but water, uncoordinatedly trying to get back to the surface. Just when I thought I was going to die, I felt hands grab at my waist and jerked me up. I was pulled into the shallow end coughing up water, gulping air into my lungs. All the while clinging unto the bigger kid with my dear life.

I soon as I had enough air in my lungs, I burst out crying. I seriously thought I was going to die in a watery grave. Sue me for being melodramatic. I ugly cried. Tears spilled out of my eyes, my face screwing up ugly; hideous even. I looked awful and ugly when I cried. Seeing my reflection in the water made me cry even more. Maybe this is what Dad meant, I thought crying louder.

Jason was holding me, and rubbing my back to try to calm me down. He was patting it, as he checked my eyes, my head, and other body parts for any injury. "Come on, don't cry, it's okay," he cooed and pulled me into a bear-hug.

He looked up at Christy as she came strolling towards us. "You are such a cry-baby," she said as if she had nothing to do with anything that had happened.

I had never been comforted like this before. I'd seen him do it to his younger brothers when they got hurt but when it was done to me, it felt... nice. "Well mission completed Christy. I guess I did saw a b***h today," was all he said.

---------

As anyone would've guess, I haven't been able to go near a pool or any body of water since then. I did however sit on the bleachers and root for Jason, who was on the swim team. As for swimming myself? I saw it as a skill I didn't need.

Oh yea, and don't think I ever cried again. These sockets have kept dried since then. I didn't cry when my Dad used to say shitty things to me; didn't cry when my Mom died; I kept it all bottled up, which only added to my anger issues. One day, Dad didn't come back from work. He just up and disappeared. I waited for a week with our groceries slowly depleting and I ended up having to call my brother. I guess he saw his other son oozing 'gay' out of him, and didn't want to get 'infected'.

Yeah well, good riddance!

"I can see you're thinking unnecessary stuff," Jason suddenly blurted out blotting the weed and thus bringing me back to the present.

"I'm not thinking anything," I lied, not that he did not know I was. "I liked him, you know. I don't know how to be nice anymore. Acting like this is all I know," I sighed heavily letting the high relaxed my nerves and temper.

I heard him shuffle as he got up from the ground, brushing himself off like I'd done. "C'mon. I want ice-cream."

I gave him a long stare as I thought, stupid, I know you don't eat ice-cream, but yes, it'll definitely make me feel better.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The cafeteria was brimming with people today. The lunch lady dropped slobs into our plate like we were prisoners. It was goey, weird-looking and smelled funny. I looked at it, seeing it jiggle. Meat wasn't suppose to jiggle like that. I saw Jason look at it sketchily, and decided to skip it, only getting a yogurt for myself.

Bryan, my older brother, was a really bad cook. I wasn't about to ask him to prepare me lunch. I'm pretty sure I'd be safer eating the lunch lady's witching concoction, than my brother's semi-poison. He gets an A+ for trying though. Scott, his boyfriend, had been a savior with his awesome cooking skills.

Even though my chances with Fred weren't going to work out, I decided to keep Roman as my tutor. As it turned out, I liked getting praised for my hard-work. Even if it wasn't by Fredrick, I got it from Jason, which has always made me feel better.

Speaking of the devil, I saw Fred up ahead, looking rather jittery and jumpy, looking over his shoulders every few seconds. His glasses were slipping down his nose cutely. The rumors had been spread wide and loud about him being dumped by that lovely sister of mine. I hadn't really messed with him much, since he had dated my sister. Even less when he kept that weird guy around him now. What's his face-Thomas-I think was his name.

"Careful there Nerd-boy," I stated toward the taller boy, lifting his glasses up his face. He scowled down at me, but his scowl looked more like a pout. I hated being this damn short. How can you put on a mean act, if you're this puny? "What? Don't be mad at me because Christy dumped you."

Ugh, why couldn't I be nice?

He squared his shoulders and sneered. "That was so last year... shorty."His lips twitched at me. The Nerd grows two inches taller than me, now he thinks he's hot s**t.

"Yeah, yeah so funny. Is the Prince bitter because he's missing his dog?" I teased following him outside toward the library.

His face turns red to the roots. "Ugh, Leave me alone Jesse," he whined. He was blushing, and he looked so freaking cute. It dawned on me that he wasn't blushing because of me though. He had seen Thomas at the end of the hall, who by the way seemed to be sniffing the air around him trying to find something-or someone. The guy was f*****g weird, let me tell you. Sure he was the best Point Guard our school had the grace to have, but who the hell sniff's people on their first meeting.

I'm have you know that I smell darn good, you dog! I teethed to myself as I remembered the first day he was transferred to our class.

I chuckled putting two and two together. "This is revenge for calling me Shorty. Hey Dog-boy, your human's here!" I called out to Thomas, pointing up at Fred. He immediately started panicking, looking for a place to hide. It was so adorable! Thomas already on his way towards us.

"Oh look at the time, if you'll excuse me gentlemen," Fred said glancing down at a watch-less wrist. What's up with him today? He was never a scatter-brained person, but he was absolutely freaking out in front me. I felt like I had put myself in a very troubling situation.

Feeling a smack to my head, I turned to glare at the only person who'd dare to do that. Jason had a frown etched on his face. "You're so dense sometimes," he glowered.

"Gee, that didn't hurt, like at all," I sarcastically said, as I rubbed the back of my head.

"Where's he?" Thomas asked finally reaching up through the crowd of students. His face the same expression that a German Shepherd would make.

"Uh..." I looked around me. "Hmm... he was just here." Fred had slipped pass me so quickly that I hadn't even notice.

He peered down suspiciously at me. Damn, giant dog. "You weren't being mean to him again, were you?"

I scoffed and crossed my arms. "Who? Little old me? Could never."

Something dark ran across his features. He stepped up to my face, invading my personal space making me take a couple steps back. "Leave him alone. He is mine, got that?" My eyebrows literally nearly receded to my hairline. Oh. They were a thing? When did that happened? How did it happened??!!

I was about to give him one of my witty retorts, when a hand pushed Thomas away. "He wasn't."

Thomas and Jason were same height give or take a few inches. The two of them seemed to be conversing through facial expression. Eyes glaring at each other, and finally coming to a silent understanding, Thomas backed off smugly.

His scowl turning into a sly smile, whiffing at the air. "You have that smell," then patted him on the shoulders, with a sympathetic look on his face. "You should put a collar on your human. You know how hungry other dogs can be." Then turning around to me he broached, "how's that tutor of yours? That guy from K-College."

"Um... okay, I guess." I half-glanced at Jason so see his eyes widen.

"You have a tutor?" Jason asked shock crossing his face, looking at me strangely.

Thomas pushed his hands into his jacket pocket non-nonchalantly walking away. "I'll catch you people on the 'flipped' side." The irony of his joke flying right over my head.

Jason's hooded eyes didn't meet mine as he had a death-grip on my arm dragging me under the nearby stairwell, my feet stumbling to catch up and match his longer ones. He was taking me out of the view of other rushing students in the hall. Underneath, I roughly tugged my arm out of his grip, wincing at the flash of pain that ignited. s**t is going to bruise.

I gave him a glare, as I massaged the dull ache away asking, "What's your problem? That hurt you know." Instantly, he reached out to check the injury and stared at my reddening arm a little bit apologetic, but didn't voice it.

"Meh, you've gotten worse. It'll heal," he said. "How long have you had this tutor?"

Because Scott and Roman had been living with us for the past year and me being over at Jason's house most of the time, I'd forgotten to tell him that I even had a tutor. I kinda looked at him as an additional brother, who had the skills to help me not entirely fail remedial Math.

"Bout like a year," I answered and saw his facial features grow dark, "look, it's not a big deal."

He heaved out a sigh, "I don't believe you've ever told me about having a tutor."

I gaped at him. Was he really mad that I didn't tell him? "Look, Roman might be one of those loose bisexuals, but he's a really nice..."

"Not nice enough to have told me about it, obviously," he interrupted saying. "If he's loose, then he's probably trying to put the moves on you."

"Really?" I asked annoyed at this situation. What the hell was with him?! "If he did, that has nothing to do with you, now does it?"

His nose flared angrily. Jason was a surly guy, but I'd never seen him as angry as he was now. "Nothing to do with me? Are you having some type of... thing with him?!" he said raising his voice.

"The only 'thing' I have going with him is a tutorship. With him staying at my house I can only..."

"He lives with you too!" Jason bellowed interrupting again. Literally this was the first time I saw him loose his cool. "Is your brother even okay with this?"

"He's my brother-in-law!" I nearly screamed at him. "What kind of thing could we possibly have? Seriously, if he was one of my many interests, you would've known."

There was an awkward silence that settled between us. We hadn't even heard the bell ring. This was literally our first argument that we'd had. Thinking about it, I don't think we ever argued. We have the same tastes in almost everything, so there wasn't really anything to fight about. Plus, he'd never talk this much.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked breaking the silence that stretched.

Heaving out a breath, I leaned against the far wall of the stairwell. "I don't wanna fail remedial Math. I might be a little s**t in school, but I do want to graduate someday, you know."

"I meant, why didn't you just tell me to help you? You know I would've," he breathed out irritated.

Yeah, I knew he would, but one day he probably won't be there. I couldn't get all clingy and dependent on him every time. Plus, I like working hard on my own. "I know, but, you're always somewhat proud of me getting good grades," without meaning, I blushed as I admitted, "You're the only one that praises me anyway, and I like it, so sue me!"

Bryan was all lovey-dovey with Scott, Roman was always on some mischief or off defiling some young jock like the slutty twink he claimed he was, and then there's Christy, who is next to nobody.

Suddenly, his big arms wrapped around me like would a bear. He had never hugged me like this, since the pool incident. It was engulfing and I was lost in this embrace. Damned be my shortness! A laugh emerged from deep in his chest. The same chest that my ear was currently squished up against. He even hugged me tighter as his laughed rumbled and echoed in the small staircase.

He pulled me an arm's length away and looked down, tucking away strands of my hair behind my ear. The action made me blush deeper, and I felt my heart skip a beat. "That was such a f*****g cute thing to say," he whispered hoarsely.

He was grumbling on about, not needing a collar and something else, but my mind was elsewhere. Cute? Was I cute to him? Did he like me? I was quickly seeing him change in a new light. He seemed relieved. He was extremely angry just a minute ago, and now he was giving me bear-hugs like some homeless guy with a 'free-hugs' sign hanging from his neck. Also, it would be a lie if I said that his hug didn't feel good.

Actually, I wanted another. It felt reassuring and like there's no care in the world. I leaned in giving him a hug of my own. His body stiffen suddenly in my arms, causing me to back away immediately.

I didn't even look at him. "Uh... sorry. That was weird right? I d-didn't mean to get a-all gay on you just now," I stammered out embarrassed.

"No, no, i-it's okay," his reply quick and equally as embarrassed. He chuckled as he stared at me some more, "it's more than okay." With that he kissed me. It caught me totally off guard. My lips were caught by his, in an extremely light kiss. Innocent and delicate. Thumbing my chin, he managed to part my shocked lips. It was soft and sweet as his tongue intertwined with mine in something so blissful, that my knees-buckled under me, and I fell to the floor.

Amusement danced in his eyes, "don't you dare f*****g say s**t," I glared at him shooting daggers his way, but inside, my heart was beating wildly. For a guy that hadn't had a girlfriend before, he sure could kiss like a God.

We walked silently home that day. It was a bit awkward as we spoke about simple nothings on our way home, not wanting to bring up anything that might strain us too much. It was weird though. Does this means he likes me? Did he like me? If so, since when? My brain kept racking me for an answer, but I just couldn't know for sure unless I asked him.

Surely, it was caused by the heat of the moment.

When we reached my house, I stopped outside the gate. He lived right beside me, but instead of walking away like he usually did, he stood outside and smiled.

"Aren't you going inside?" he asked.

Looking behind me, I didn't really want to after what happened today. I actually wanted to bombard him with all sorts of questions. "What about you?"

"I will, as soon as you do," he answered. We were standing outside my gate stupidly staring at each other.

"Yoohoo, darling!!! Welcome hoooome!!" I heard someone sung as my door flew open. Roman burst through the doors, wearing a black short-shorts and a really bright pink half-way shirt, his hair was a dark shade of blue matching his blue-painted nails. Immediately, I regretted procrastinating outside when I saw his bright green eyes light up at the sight of Jason.

Roman sauntered his way over, and flung his hands over me, hugging me from behind. He was probably my same height or taller. Not that 5'7 was tall by any means, but I was a High-Schooler dammit, I'm going to grow. At least I hoped to. I didn't notice Jason's frown appear as he looked Roman over, noticing him hugging me.

"Like what you see big guy," Roman asked wiggling his brows suggestively. "I can make even straightest man come with this sexy ass off mine you know."

My mouth dropped a couple inches as I scrambled to get the gate open and pulled this demon away before he ate Jason's innocence.

"You're so rude, Jesse-baby, won't you introduce me to your friend?"

I heaved a sigh and quickly said, "Roman, Jason, Jason, Roman. Now let's go."

"Aww, look he's shy!" he guffawed some more. I'm pretty sure he was doing it on purpose. Jason's face was slightly blushing at Roman's open vulgar slurs. "Or are you more interested to make like a pie and be topped with some whipped cream by a cherry."

His s****l jokes were painful and who the f**k told him I was a virgin anyway.

"Hey!" I shouted at Roman, my face flaming with embarrassment. "He's off limits."

Both guys seemed to be shocked at my outburst and were quiet for a minute. "I'll see you tomorrow, Jesse... honey," Jason teased flashing me a wicked grin. It almost knocked me over. I guess, he's okay with us being an 'us'. Together, that is. I felt instantly giddy as I pulled Roman behind me by his belt buckle.

I don't know, I just felt really happy. Some one actually liked me, and not because I looked like Christy. I say this, why? Because, just as I looked up to the sky to take in a steady gleeful breath, I saw her closing her window curtain, the emotion in her on her face was unreadable.

It's scary that I can also look like that. We were identical twins after all.

---------------------------

The rest of the week was rather uneventful. I felt so exhilarated. Jason and I, were trying the dating thing. We didn't make it official to each other, but it was like an unspoken thing. We went to movies together just as usual but the air was much different than when we went to movies as friends. He would hold my hands when the lights went off, and we'd watch movies like that. Some times we'd make-out behind a tree somewhere secluded in the park on our way home from school, from his swimming practice, or dates.

It was absolutely strange how smooth the relationship was progressing. Maybe saying 'relationship' was stretching it a bit. Admittedly, it scared me a bit. It was like one of those 'match-made-in-heaven' kind of feelings, and I felt guilty not enjoying it to it's fullest.

I couldn't leave 'good enough' alone. I kept asking myself, does this means that he likes me? I mean, a week ago I'd have sworn he was my completely straight best friend. Was he even gay to begin with? Bi? I couldn't understand myself. It was way too easy to start liking him.

Concentration wasn't settling in me and I decided to skip math class.

I dodged the hall monitor like ninja, almost ran into the Principal, and even hanged out for an hour with Gothic Jack the librarian. He was in advanced Calculus and taught me a few problems that I couldn't understand and gave me couple problems to solve. I actually did well. Feeling pretty proud of myself, I hopped my way towards the roof.

I wonder what Jason's doing? I should go look for him after school. If he knew I was skipping, he was going to be give me an earful, but at least he didn't compare me to anyone. Even if we were somewhat unofficially dating, he took school seriously and would be pissed that I wasn't.

The roof's platform was bright, and I really enjoyed being in the rays of the afternoon sun. It was calming next to my otherwise hectic thoughts. It made me forget for a second that I had no parents, a sister who seemed to hate my existence, and that I'd actually found some one who seemed to like me, but here I was expecting something bad to happen.

Like it always did.

There you go thinking unnecessary things again, I could literally hear Jason say in my head and scoffed, half laughed..

I breathed in the air, and stretched feeling the sun's beam warm my skin. As I relaxed, I heard hushed tones to my far left, behind the AC storage room. What best place to keep something like AC systems other than on the roof, huh? The argument sounded heated and interesting. I inched my way trying to make out what they were saying.

Hey, it's not my fault that they were being suspicious. They were literally begging to be eavesdropped-on since technically, the roof's off limits to the student body.

"... won't know. I'll show you a good time," a feminine tone said. "Touch here... feel that? I don't usually go for your type, but I want you. Plus, I know you want you want me, judging from your circumstance and all." Well, someone's desper---"...Jason."

There's a tons of Jasons in this High School, but I don't know what made me jump up to reveal myself. Obviously it couldn't be the same Jason I knew but I had to make sure, you know. I felt like something inside me instantly shriveled up and broke. I should've just stayed my ass in class.

There he was, against the wall. His hands were on Christy's breast, as she leaned against him.

Christy actually got her claws into the only person I could call mine. Which was stupid because now I know he wasn't gay or liked me to begin with. Frankly, it clicked. I never knew why he hung out with me or why he stuck around such an influence as me.

Of course, he'd stuck around long enough to get to my sister, I thought mentally face-palming myself. Every one stuck around long enough to get to my sister. He sure stayed long enough.

When had I started hoping for an 'us' so strongly? More like, when did I even start hoping to be liked by him? Was it in his hug? Reality hit me like a ton of bricks. It was like all the sweet lovey stuff that happened over the week suddenly vanished. Does this means that he likes me? No. The answer is no. He does not. He likes your face, which is similar to Christy's.

Seeing Jason with my sister, not only wounded me, it tore me apart. They looked like the perfect couple. His black hair and blue eyes, contrasting with her soft features, blonde hair and brown eyes. It hurt to even look at them. Maybe I just happened to be the perfect replacement.

His eyes widened as he saw me emerge, and all she did was glare at me. "Jesse, w-wait... T-this isn't what it looks like--"

"Get lost loser," she spat looking at me like I was the gum stuck to her boot.

I felt tears prick my eyes. No. It can't be. Was I seriously going to cry over this?

"You don't have to tell me twice," my voice breaking in the procedure. Giving him one last look, I bolted from the place. I didn't want to look back. I was breaking and the acceleration of my crumbling heart was choking me.

I'll be fine. You'll be just fine. All you need to do is breath. Remember how to breath.

I burst through the front door, clutching tightly at my chest. I couldn't control it. s**t it hurts. Why can't I breath?

"Ooooohhh Jesseeeeee!" Roman hopped dancing excitedly. "You wouldn't know what--- Jesse? Jesse, are you okay."

I'm okay. I've got to be okay. You can't possibly cry over this. I sniffed once, and twice, looking at Roman, all playfulness gone from his face, like when he is in one of his tutoring moods. "I'm... not okay," was all I said, as I burst out in tears. Tears that fell heavily, long, and all through the night.

My face looked exactly how I remembered it looking. I was hideous as I saw the tears fall from my swollen, puffy, red eyes. I looked exactly like the puffy-eyed alien fish in Jason's aquarium. Now I understood why Christy said it looked gross.

Fucking gross, indeed.

Running into all the rooms, I begun breaking every single mirror I could find. Roman tried to restraint me, only to get harshly shoved aside, so I could continue breaking anything that reflected this face of mine. I heaved in tearful sobs, leaving the house the same way how I felt inside. Destroyed. The ache in my chest only increased as I hugged my legs to my chest in a corner. My head tightly tucked between them I cried softly, vaguely feeling someone rubbing my back till I fell asleep.

She'd managed to take away everyone. Now I'd truly became just a photo-copy of her. I felt like the printed copy that comes out after the ink runs out.