Swollen Heads & High School Boys

Unrequited Misery

While growing up, we were friends you could say. In actuality, he was just my neighbor that walked me to school everyday. I was a pretty kid, for a boy, and even won several local Beauty Pageants due to my mom's weird obsession with pageantry. Eric Styles for the title of best smile.

I disliked being teased for looking like a girl, and thus, Devon came in as a resolution. "It's that smile you have. It makes people feel strange," he had stated. That was his way of comforting me after I'd get beaten up.

After that, I guess I stop smiling. Honestly I pretty much copied everything he did. Well, except the hair, which I chose to grow out. He always had this look of constant disdain for humanity. He even came to be known as Mad Dog at our school because of getting into fights due to little to no provocation. He never backed down and never lost, after a while people stopped challenging him.

My silly obsessive admiration, turned out to be actual feelings.

I saw him kissing a girl and the pain that embraced my heart made me run straight home, when I'd usually wait for him by the bike stands. I thought that if I confessed, it'd make everything easier. With Devon's Dad being a gay single parent father, I really thought I had a chance but to my horror and disappointment, I learnt of Devon's fear and hatred towards homosexuals. He really despised his father. He thought that his father was the one to ruin the family.

"I truly want my mother to be happy," he had said. "It's hard for a woman to find someone new with a teenage son in tow." Such a mature thing to think about.

You know, it hurts because unfortunately, I really did like him. So I occupied myself with school fights, detention and actual classes, slowly distancing myself from him all through middle school. I didn't want this feeling to grow any further than I realized it was. Call me a coward, but this way, I could at least like him from afar, he didn't have to know.

Nor did he, because the only thing that didn't change was our walks home together.

As for his Dad, the man was a pretty eccentric and a happy-go-lucky type of person. He looked like how an older version of Devon, if he ended up going hipster or grunge in his mid thirties. The older man was very attractive. I've even met the boyfriend. He wasn't what I had expected. The guy was a little bookworm i.e a grown nerdish adult sporting small round glasses that accentuated pretty grey eyes.

Only if Devon would speak to the guy, I'm sure they'd get along.

He never noticed the change that happened after I found out his hate. He had his own issues to deal with, without adding my questionable sexuality to the bunch. Either way, I could still get the nice chocolaty scent from his wavy blonde hair, and watch how broad his back was, as I walked behind him. I like how he glided as he walked, instead of bouncing like I did. Always wearing a stern face, he'd look down at me, the corners of his mouth never lifting. He always seemed to be thinking of something.

So far, he was okay with the neighborhood shrimp tagging behind him. Our conversations were minimum, but small talk was better than none. I didn't let on much when it came to him. I was very reserved, and I guess the constant fear that he might find out my feelings for him, made me always walk behind him. Like a tail, and never beside him.

I just didn't want to be hated.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

In third year, I made a good friend, Jaime Carlson. He was one of the straightest gays I knew. I didn't even know he was gay, until he said so himself. He could see through my facade almost immediately when I met him.

"So are you and Mad Dog a thing?" he had asked me, out of the blues, when we were alone. My face went into full red mood, and he leaned back with an "Ahh, I see, so does he know?" My incapability of responding gave him the 'silence is confirmation' answer. As to how he found out I liked Devon was not something I knew.

He once said that being gay, made him see people more carefully.

I wouldn't know, since Devon had been my first crush ever since I could remember. Though he also added, a bit solemn, that some times his instincts on people had been wrong. Making a really heart breaking expression, he'd quickly move on to another topic.

During one of our after school walks Devon noted, "You and Carlson are pretty close huh?" using Jaime's last name. As usual, I was tailing him, so it wasn't as if I could see his face. "He seems like trouble."

"I might as well," I responded distractedly as I tried to get my hair into a ponytail and failing. Struggling with walking and the task of tying up my hair, I defending with a dry laugh, "Oh so you've met him. He's just outspoken and says what he means. I envy that, maybe it rubs off huh." I bumped into him as he had stopped abruptly.

He looked back, rolling his eyes exasperatedly, and swiftly took away the hair band from my hands, pinning my hair easily into one. "Your multi-tasking abilities suck. Your hair is getting too long, you should get this mane cut."

For him, doing this was nothing. It was like pinning the hair of a little brother or cousin, but for me, I had lost any coherent thought. His hand was actually touching me. "Shut up," was all I could get out. "My hair isn't a bother. It's just really hot these days."

"Well I did get my AC installed last two weeks, wanna come over to play a game?" he asked as we started walking again.

Maybe if he hadn't touched me, I might've taken his offer, but now I was hot all over. A cold shower wouldn't help. "Can't. I got an essay to write," I answered hitching up my bag-pack. "I'll text you if I finish early, then we can play online."

He nodded in confirmation. "Lately, you've been getting a lot of homework, don't you think? Is there a nerd behind that pretty face of yours or something?" he asked sarcastically.

I made a face at him, even though he wasn't able to see it. "It'd be better if I was, then I wouldn't have to study so much."

Like I said, we had minimal conversations. That was the last any of us said before reaching our destinations. The only thing after that, was 'a see you in the morning' and a 'text you later'. No one was home and he probably knew that. Mom had already left for work, and wouldn't be returning till after 4am.

I rather the house empty. I wouldn't want anyone, worse my mom, hearing me panting out Devon's name, as I released myself into a sock. And that, my friends, is how days went for me.

Without realizing, it became a routine that I did religiously. The guilt that came afterwards was something all on it's own.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

"You're over thinking things," Jaime said conversationally over lunch. "Everyone masturbates."

"Not over their male neighbor, who he's suppose to be friends with," I said looking dubiously at my lunch.

The mystery meat I was eating for lunch, handed to me by the hairy mole cafeteria lady, was a real mystery to the eyes. Looking around, I saw the same doubtful looks on other students' faces. Some were poking at it strangely with their forks. Probably wondering if it was even meat.

"Should I cut my hair?" I asked nibbling on my fingernails. Jaime was like my dairy, I told him everything that happened between Devon and I. "Maybe I should cut my hair."

Jaime's response was so damn quick, I jolted in my seat. "No!" He gave a sigh, and reached over petting my hair lightly. "Don't you dare cut your hair because of that neanderthal. He doesn't have any tastes whatsoever."

"Get a room fags," I heard someone yelled from behind. Although my days of fighting were over, I couldn't back down from a fight, so now I chose to just walk away from it; before I wouldn't be able to.

Jaime on the other hand, didn't give a rat's ass.

Jaime's response was as quick as his responses always were. "To what, have you suck on my d**k?" he shot back with a wicked smile. I was so glad that Devon didn't come here to eat. He ate in his class, since he brought his own home-made lunch. I hadn't even been to his class this year. I wasn't even sure if it was in this building or the next.

"How bout we head to the library?" I asked wanting to get away from the attention that our table of two was now receiving.

"And make him feel like he won, yeah, no," Jaime said. "Vincent has been on my ass since Track tryouts. I beat him in hurdles and he's been giving me s**t since then."

My eyes widened and I turned to see Vincent glaring at our table. Vincent was the meanest guy on campus if provoked, and Jaime wasn't doing his best right now to keep on the DL. I had fought and lost to him in Junior high. There was never a rematch for that.

I did win against his other friends, so that was something.

"You know he can wipe the floor with your twink ass, right?" I pointed out. It was clear to me that Jaime was taunting him from our table. Sending him an idle wink. If eyes could kill though, I knew we'd be dead by now judging from the way Vincent's eyes were glaring at us; mostly at a mocking Jaime.

"No s**t," Jaime snickered now looking at me. Jaime wasn't a fighter at all. He was what one would call a subtle tease, but I doubt he'd ever gotten into any serious fights. "But he'd have to catch me first, because I'm one helluva fast rabbit."

Jaime was a breath of fresh air, which is why I kept him around. I'm not really a loner since I got along with most people in my class, I just didn't initiate conversations. I lacked initiation, was what was typed unto my mid semester report.

Truth is, I barely retained stuff in class. The teacher spoke and I would sit there with countless Devon-fantasies running through my head. Which is why, I have to go home and study. I'm mostly on auto-pilot during lessons, hearing what I needed to hear and then slowly zoning out thinking of only Devon. Some times my head would become extra dirty, and I'd have to excuse myself to go to the bathroom.

That was the instance today. This only caused Jaime to crack up in his seat much to the teacher's annoyance. Either way, I took five minutes to relieve myself in one of the closed-up stalls.

With that discomfort taken care of, I could say I felt a tad better. After washing my hand in the washer, I leaned against the sink with my eyes closed. The guilt buzzed over in my head like an irritated bee as I tried to block out the scent of the opened urinals in my view. This couldn't go on. What if I couldn't control myself any more?

I could only see the situation crashing and burning.

"Aren't you suppose to be in class?"

Looking up, I gulped. "Right back at you..." I answered.

Devon was staring at me with confusion over his face. He stood there, blond hair falling to the side, ripped jeans and a long-sleeved flannel shirt over a plain white tee. The flannel shirt seemed to have been buttoned earlier in the day, but now hanged open. Blame the heat. Or maybe, it was my heat I should be more worried about.

"You look kinda flushed though. You sure you're not getting sick?" Devon asked, his hand reaching to touch my forehead. I instantly dodged away from his hand and backed away from him, going towards the bathroom's exit.

"I'm okay. It's the heat," I excused. "And don't MadDog me." He had this certain way he looked at me at times. I didn't know how else to call that expression, so MadDogging was now an official adjective given to him by me.

He gave me a look and shrugged. "Listen, your Mom caught me on the way coming to school and she wanted you to come over to my house. Something about her not coming back till tomorrow morning," he said conversationally as he headed towards the urinal two bowls away from me.

I was about to answer him with the 'don't mind me' bit and make some other excuse for me declining the offer. That was when I noticed him undoing his belt and zipper.

"What the hell dude?!" I called out. I felt my face heat up, and turned away quickly.

He snorted, and I heard the sound of him peeing him into the bowl, and shamefully, fighting the urge to turn around. "That's such a virgin response."

"Well excuse me for being a late bloomer," I stated still with my back turned to him.

"That has nothing to do with anything," I heard him zipped himself up and relaxed my shoulders. "After all, we both have the same thing," I heard him say near my ear, making me jump almost three feet into the air. Oh no. Even though I had relieved myself not even ten minutes ago, I felt myself stiffen in my pants. His hot breath made the hairs on my neck stand on end and my blood aimed straight for the groin.

As a reflex, I pushed him away from me. This had caught him by surprise, and he tripped over his feet unto the tiled floor. "What the fu-?" he was about to curse, only to have his eyes dropped to the tent in my trousers. I wanted to shoot myself right then. How the f**k did I get hard just by his breath on my ear?! There was no way of hiding it now. "Gross. Why are you hard?!"

I gulped at the dark expression that skipped across his face. He stood up easily with an ominous energy radiating off of him, forcing me to back away from him against the wall. "I'm sorry 'bout that. I can't control it. You know how they say it has a mind of its own," I babbled on trying to exude some bravado, but he had already saw the fear in my eyes. I took a breath in and hissed back at him, "yeah well, obviously if you breathe on my neck, I'll get hard."

He didn't say anything, but just the look on his face spoke volumes. I didn't want to be there. For the first time in my life, I was actually wishing to be someone else. "Don't you dare give me that s**t! Do you like... men or something?" he spat despicably.

I cringed at the tangible hatred in his voice. It cut through my insides like a razor, making tears prick at the back of my eyes. Oh no! Oh no! I couldn't say anything, but just looked up into his face of disgust. There was nothing I could say to clarify this without outright lying and hung my head in shame.

He punched the wall right next to my face, and I flinched, my heart literally choking me. "And you aren't even going to deny it?"

"To what I see, there's nothing to deny. I've always been like this. If you'd care enough to have asked before, then you'd know," I said giving him a glare as angry as his, but way more hurt. "Heck, you didn't even realize we stopped hanging out." His glare lessen a bit at me, but was still able to make me feel lesser than I was. I couldn't contain the one or two tears that trickled down, as I tried to hold it in. "I was able to hide it for so long," I said wiping a tear away swiftly. I could feel the breaking of my heart in sharp aches in my veins. "You weren't supposed to find out. I made sure of it for so long."

I had to close my eyes in hopes that my tears wouldn't keep falling. This was the stupidest way of getting exposed. I cursed myself mentally over and over again. I felt my body go weak for a minute and slid to the floor, tucking my head into my lap, both my hands hugging my knees in closer.

"Eric, you're crying?"

"Go away!" I yelled.

He still didn't move, and I heard him heave a heavy sigh. Probably to calm himself. "Eric you should have told me," he said much calmer now.

"HA! You're funny. Weren't you the one condemning your own father to hell for being gay? Some deep form of rooted revenge," I pointed out still sniffing back more tears. "Leave me alone Devon. This isn't the time to have found your long lost soft spot."

He let out a curse at my sarcasm, head in his hand. "My dad and you are different cases. Hell I'm not even sure if I even hate him. Eric, you might be gay, b-but I can't hate you."

I scoffed raising myself to my feet, and watching him square in the eyes. It was annoying that I'm the type of person who starts to cry, and can't stop. So my tear streaked face was all that I had to face him with. "Dammit! Hate me then!" I shouted at him. "Cause I don't wanna be your friend."

"What do you mean?"

"Cause I... I..." It was way harder than I thought. After all, I really never planned to tell him. It was to be my secret alone. "I'm in love with you," I finally let out. Letting the confession sink into him. Without waiting for an answer, I turn around calmly walking out of the restroom and ran away as far as I could.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"There, there. Big brother Jaime's right here," Jaime said petting my head lightly. I hadn't gone back to class. I waited patiently for Jaime to be let out on the east side of school where I knew I wouldn't run into Devon. "You sure do cry a lot."

"Shut up. Once I start, it's almost impossible stop so bare with it," I added miserably. "He hates me, Jaime."

We had walked a little away from school.

Jaime lived on the east side, in another town different from mine and on the path to his house, there was a stone bridge connecting the towns. That was where we relocated after he found the mess that was me sniffling by the bike stand. He quickly whisked me away to somewhere private where I was free to lick my wounds.

"C'mon honey, you knew it might turn out like this," he said completely rational. "You even came out without any physical damages. It's more than I can say for myself."

He was my subconsciousness in human form telling me the same thing I already knew. I sighed now, finally able to control my tear glands and rubbed my face. "I don't know about that. Right now, inside hurts more than any physical pain possibly would."

"If it makes you feel any better, I actually thought you had a 50% chance," Jaime continued to console me. "He might not like his dad, because it's his dad. Maybe... and don't get your hopes up okay?" he added quizzically. "Just maybe he might be okay since it's you."

"As if! You weren't there, man. He had like this utter look of disgust. He even punched the wall like a bull," I answered recalling the events.

"Maybe my Gaydar is broken. I could swear there was something there -- " he sighed frustratedly, "look, just go home. Clear your head, and pig out on everything in your fridge."

"I'm lactose and tolerant."

"Then avoid dairy products," he laughed lightly, trying to cheer me up.

Actually, I felt a little better now that Devon knew but what had happened was still weighing me down. That was a disaster of a confession. I blew at my hair lamely and watched it bounced back. "I really need ice-cream and a Saw marathon."

"The saw movies suck. Try those Japanese creepy movies. They'll scare Devon right out of your system like the exorcist did in that one movie," he said snapping his fingers trying to recall it. I didn't want to point out that the Priest ended up dying after the exorcism was complete but I wasn't looking to be so negative.

I felt really wrecked. I knew this would be the outcome but would I known it would be so disastrous? Nope. After drowning my sorrows with Jaime, I trudged back heading up the hill towards my home.

My bag-pack felt heavy, my shoes felt heavier, to be honest, my heart felt so heavy that everything else seemed to gain pounds.

The sun was already in its setting stages as I crossed over the hill through to my alley. I could see a little pink kissing the cloud's edges as the horizon blared at me ahead. It was one of those scenes like in the movies where the sun is like a mirage of different colors. Tearing my eyes away from whatever tricks my mind was playing with me, I continued to walk kicking a stone to distract myself.

It wasn't a trick though. My heart fluttered, but realizing its wings had been clipped, it wiggled around like a fish out of water inside me.

There Devon stood, leaning against my gate looking as if he belonged there. In a way, I wished he did, but alas, life wasn't made to be enjoyed by everyone. He was looking awkwardly towards the ground as I walked up to my gate.

"Been waiting there for long?" I asked casually, not looking at him either as I busily tried to open the gate.

He cleared his throat awkwardly. "Not really." Finally, he turned towards me and as if we hadn't fought that morning said, "your mom, wanted you to stay over at my house since she wasn't coming back today, but uh..." his eyes directed at the car parked in his usually empty driveway. They didn't own a car, but his Dad's boyfriend did.

"Martin's here today, huh? I wonder if he got around into bringing that Christopher Pike book I asked for," I said looking at the car fondly. Like I said, the boyfriend was pretty nice, and just from the way he spoke, you seriously had to wonder if he was actually able to even injure a fly.

Returning my eyes to Devon, I noticed he watching me curiously but looked away quickly. Even if we pretended as if nothing happened, it was still in his head. He didn't really know the entirety of the situation, but I couldn't for the life of me, turn my back to him. Even if I ended up getting scarred.

"You can chill here until he leaves," I added opening the gate wider and had him step in.

My house was as pleasant as middle-lower class can get. It was only my mom and I, so in a way the house had way too much space for the both of us. Or way too much for me, since I was the main one at the house. For example, my Mom probably had to work a double tonight so the house was mine until she arrives. I busily connected the Nintendo system and sat beside Devon as I usually would.

He tensed when I sat beside him. "Sorry," I whispered with a pang inside me and scooted further away from him.

"No. I'm sorry. I'm being overly conscious," he responded awkwardly.

We tried our best to enjoy the game, but this was the most silent we'd ever been. I mean sure, we barely spoke to each other sometimes but we still had conversations. Not like today. I couldn't even trust my words. We'd cuss and fight over who was gonna kick whose ass, and bump our shoulders to distract the other. Today though, we were both playing so aimlessly. Not for a win, not for a loose, but for an endless distraction of the obvious.

He spied a game lying underneath a book on my the table to his right and viewed it as another session was loading up. "That's a copy of the game Martin developed," I piped in. Anything to make this silence go away.

He face a mix of surprise and disbelief. "He develops games?"

I smiled. "Actually, he took part in the programming of Devil May Cry and Assassins Creed," even if he didn't seem so, the bookish boyfriend was a computer wiz. "I've always thought..." I started, but then I stopped myself.

"What?"

"I've always thought that... if you had a conversation with Martin, you'd understand he's a pretty cool guy," I answered him hesitantly. I really didn't want to dampened the mood between us more than it already was and me pushing him into being buddy-buddy with his Dad's boyfriend wasn't going to help me in anyway..

He stared at the game for a little while before waving the game case in the air, "may I?" I nodded at him as he placed it in system and booted it up.

"Jaime and I played it already. It's pretty standard, but the design and graphics are cool," I said as the screen displayed a couple game information and the copyright infringement.

I had to scoot a little closer to him to show him different tactics to get to the next level. He seemed to be enjoying the game. Just like that, the tension between the two of us settled a bit. In the excitement of playing the game, I hadn't realized that we were back to sitting next to each other like we usually would.

"No. You gotta collect that gem. It gives you either an extra life in the next level or bonus coins to buy another weapon," I instructed.

"But that's way too high. How am I suppose to get that?"

"Press C and hold trigger button."

"I just did that."

"Sorry," I half snorted at the signs of his annoyance at not mastering the game like he'd done many times before. "You gotta hold down both C and the trigger." He did as instructed but still couldn't get the character to do as it was suppose to. Which was to run and dash on the wall, and then unto the gem. Sort of like a parkour runner would, against walls. "Jaime showed me this move, here let me--" I reached over to take the control from him and our hands touched. We both flinched as our skins came in contact. I know mine flinched as my heart kicked me in the gut.

I watched as he looked at his fingers strangely, and got up quickly heading to the kitchen in a rush. "I'll bring us some orange juice." The air wasn't with tension, but it wasn't like I believe we would be back to normal in one day. After all, just three hours ago, I was so sure Devon would never want to talk to me again.

I hadn't noticed that he had trailed behind me, and was casually leaning against the counter-top, pondering something. I busied myself with pouring juice, taking an unnecessary amount of time to close the cap. I slid him his cup and took a sip of mine as I looked away from him.

"Is Jaime... your boyfriend?" he had an almost earnest expression on his face.

My what? I choked on my drink, and ended up in a coughing fit.

"Gods no!" I said appalled between coughs. Surprisingly, even though he was a little hesitant, he came over and patted my back with an apologetic look on his face. I thought we were just going to try and forget this morning ever happened. I didn't know he was going to broach it so to-the-point.

"You know, I never told you this but," he paused, his hand now taking on a soft rubbing action across my back, doing nothing for my heart. "I always thought you stopped coming over because you hated being inside a house with a homo Dad." His hand was soothing. I could still see the break in his knuckles from today's wall onslaught. "Hated it so much that you wanted to stop hanging with me altogether and begun hanging with what's-his-face."

I scoffed, and punched him lightly in the stomach. "That's because you're a fool and his name is Jaime."

He made a face at the mention of Jaime's name. "I agree, but I'm not that foolish. I always knew you were hiding something from me. You're always hiding behind me though, so I wasn't able to see you. I figured, you'd tell me if it was truly important."

The soft rubbing on my back was not doing anything to keep my state of mind controlled. His hand suddenly slipped up to my cheek in a dazed state, his thumb gently caressing under my eyes. "It has been nagging me the entire day, but if I don't say it, I won't be able to sleep. I'm sorry for making you cry."

My inner palpitations were going off, and I almost leaned into his touch. Shaking my head, I stepped away from his caress. He seemed confused. "Don't do that."

"Sorry," he apologized as if he didn't understand why.

"Sorry," I hurriedly added to calm his unreadable turmoil-filled eyes. "When you do that it's like you're leading me on. I'm not asking for you to return my feelings. You weren't even supposed to find out."

"So you were just gonna let it drag on," he said so as a statement, but still raised a questioning brow at me.

I nodded.

"And then jerk off to me in the school's bathroom," he said so as a statement too.

I nodded before my brain had time to process his question and quickly shook my head in denial. "I would never!" I lied blatantly but my cheeks flared red nonetheless.

Taking a sip of orange, he pointed at me in a calm manner with a small knowing grin. "You're lying. You do this weird twitchy thing when you lie."

"I don't," I denied again.

He put his juice aside and snapping his fingers. "See? You didn't do it that time. So you must be unaware of the twitch." He moved closer to me. Our shoulders touching and slightly rubbing against each other. The racing of my pulse was starting the scare me.

Was this normal, I asked myself.

"How didn't I noticed?" he said more to himself, but had turned to face me. My ears heated up even more, and the hand holding my cup started to tremble slightly.

"Stop MadDogging me," I said to him slamming down my glass unintentionally. His dark blue-greenish eyes were unnerving me.

"Fine," he answered simply. "But just so you know, I'm sorta finding you really cute right now. I mean, you're usually adorable but today..."

An annoyed feeling came over me and I stood in front of him, finger in his chest. "Now you listen here," I said angrily. "This is not going to be used as ammunition to tease me. I refuse to let you stand there and---"

He grabbed my accusatory, chest-poking finger in one hand, and his other hand spread wide across my heaving chest. "And---?"

"And... And.."

He drew closer to me. He was hesitant in his moves, but I knew it. I knew what he was going to do. This could turn around to bite me in the ass in the longer run but I couldn't resist him. Hell, I wanted it more than he did.

"Please, think about what you're doing here," I said whispered to him. His face was close to mine, I could smell the citrus juice on his breath.

"Trust me, I did," he said as if his mind was all made up. "Your heart is beating extremely fast," he exclaimed somehow marvel.

I laughed dryly at myself. "No shit."

He took the hand he had in his grip and placed it on his chest. We were in this Tarzan and Mary Jane position, my hand on his chest, his one on mine. My eyes widen at the feel of the thumping inside his chest beating as fast as my own. It sealed my resolution, and I closed the small gap between us, lightly placing my lips over his.

Softly, I kissed him, letting my lips linger upon his before slowly moving them claiming his bottom lip. I felt him suck in a breath before fully responding to me. His mouth opened up to me as he leaned in, our chest touching. His lips were smooth and firm. Our breaths were ragged, as our kiss seem to on forever. My mind was blank. There was nothing worth thinking of at that moment.

My body shuddered and I moaned into him.

I could hear our minimal smacking lips in my ears. Even if I don't remember when his hands had moved, I felt them pulling at me by the waist, bringing me even closer into him. My hands held him at his neck as we locked lips, our mouths continuously exploring each other. I tried to pull away, unable to breath but he only leaned in more to claim my lips back to him.

His thumps had found bare skin and he was rubbing, kneading circles into it. I was shivering at his touch. My blood boiled under the surface and an already uncontrollable part of me was up. The kiss was way more intense that I expected. I was pulsating in my pants and his moving thumbs was only increasing the heat deep down.

"Wait--" I tried backing away.

"Shh---" he quieted me and kissed me even harder.

A hand of his, reached into my hair, his body pressing into me harder, firmer. I was breathless, and my pulse kept racing into insanity. My worry shifted to my hardening member and I shifted my body so that Devon wouldn't feel it. He had shifted along with me, his leg coming between my legs rubbing up against me.

"AAhh..." I moan loudly as I let go of him. To my shock, he pressed in even more to me. I looked up into his face to find dazed, cloudy eyes. Looking at me, his tongue reached out licking my lips and claiming them more urgently. "Mmm... ah.. wait... " It was all too much. The friction of his knees rubbing between legs, the kiss, his hand on my bare back.

Before my brain could register that 'oh my god' moment, I felt myself c*m inside my pants shivering in his hands unable to control my moans.

His chest was heaving as was mine. We stared at each other awkwardly. My face flushed with embarrassment and with faint perspiration upon my forehead, I sagged against the counter spent. I couldn't believe I just came from a kiss. The room was still spinning as I tried to gulp oxygen into my system.

Devon knew exactly what happened, but didn't retract, and with a heaving chest he said, "remember when I told you that you're smile makes people feel strange?" I nodded remembering it all too well. "I take that back. It's your crying face that did me in."

"Then I guess I should've cried a long time ago," I answered breathless, which only made us, for some reason start laughing.

He gave a happy sigh still leaning against me, his forehead on mine. "I didn't know kissing you would feel like this," he openly admitted. "Can I kiss you again?"

Filled to brim with fluttering butterflies up to my throat, I wasn't able to answer, but pulled him into me sealing our lips together once again. In his eyes, I saw it. A chance. And even if there's a slim chance that we might work out.

I'll take it. I'll take it all.