way out of your league

Grief

Judah's POV

Things has been pretty rough since the miscarriage,it has been a painful process especially when I see Cathy depressed and crying.At first she blamed Nora and Rita,then she blame me for not doing something to prevent the girls from quarrelling.It was very painful to hear her blame me,I felt useless and incompetent as her man but I later wished she kept blaming me when I heard her cry blaming herself for being so stupid to get in between two people who were ready to fight.She has been depressed ever since,she gets easily pissed off and the issue with our friends wasn't helping at all.I keep wondering if we would ever overcome this.

Recently though I noticed my girlfriend has been putting more effort to get back to her usual routine, it's been four long months and I'm grateful for the effort she is putting especially trying her best to distract herself with Joy's wedding planning,she even initiates s*x for the first time in months but something feels off.I just can't figure it out and I don't want to irritate her but as we cuddle after making love I couldn't hold back any longer so I said "Baby,you know I love you and I can't be without you,but I can't figure out what's happening to us,I don't want to lose you Cathy,please talk to me" "I'm trying Judah, it's hard but I'm trying,I love you and we would get through this together,and soon we would have a family"she replied and something clicked in my mind "Babe what do you mean, please tell me this has nothing to do with why you keep insisting we make love without protection especially since you know you are not on a birth control plan yet"I said suddenly getting weary "I love you Judah and I'm just used to us making love without using condoms besides I just don't feel like getting a birth control plan yet,it's not like we having a baby is so scary right now,we were going to be parents before the accident" she said and that confirms my fears "Babe you can't be seriously trying to get pregnant now, we aren't ready Cathy"I said tensed, we aren't mentally and emotionally ready,I thought and Cathy seemed to be getting pissed "Yet we were going to be parents before the accident, wouldn't you have stepped up if you were aware I was pregnant before I had a miscarriage"she said angrily and a bit loud "of course I would babe,that was my baby even though it came more as a surprise to me but this is different"I said "how is this different,we were supposed to have a baby Judah,our own family and we lost that but we still have a chance to get it back" she said but it just wasn't right to me.

"Cathy,we are still trying to come to terms with what went down mentally and emotionally,we lost our baby Cathy and I know it's excruciating,it hurts me too but trying to make another baby isn't the best way for us to heal,we need to be mentally, emotionally and physically prepared before we have another baby" I said and my girlfriend lost it,she got mad screaming at me for being insensitive and not willing to commit to making a family with her.Everything she was saying was like a knife being stabbed into my heart,I didn't even notice tears falling until she said "Judah I'm so sorry,I really don't want to hurt you but I just feel we would be happier and our relationship stronger if we make another baby, please sweetie for me.I really need this"she said crying too and I hugged "Ok,I'll think about it but I'm not promising anything right now, I'll also be sleeping at the guest room till we make a decision about this"I said kissing her before leaving to the guest room.I couldn't sleep all night and for the first time,I called my parents for relationship advice even though it was really late. "You have to understand that these are all stages of grief she is going through son,be strong for her but I don't think having a baby is the right decision for now" My dad said "But dad, I really don't want to lose her,I know it doesn't seem right but what if that's the only way she can get over this,I couldn't prevent the accident,I should have been more alert but I can give her this"I said "Sweetheart I'm so sorry,my poor boy,I know it really hard for the both of you right now and I know you guys are trying but Judah I think it's time the both of you go for therapy.Please son,before making any decision,the both of you needs to see a therapist to process and accept this. Don't make any decision till after you guys finish personal and couples therapy"my mom said "I don't know if she would agree to this cause she refused when her parents suggested it" I said."Find a way to make her agree son, that's on you"my mom replied.

The next morning,we had breakfast together which was tensed,but bracing up I said "Ok baby,I really don't want us to fight,so yes I agree with us making a baby but first we must complete couples and personal therapy before we start trying.If after therapy you are still willing to then I'm fine with it,I love you but that the only way I can be sure that you are truly ok and mentally prepared for this"I said "Are you trying to make me change my mind cause I won't"Cathy said but I shook my head saying "Nah I just want the best for you". While Cathy was weary about the whole process of going for therapy,I was still happy she was actively involved in planning Joy's wedding.As Joy's wedding grew closer,my baby seemed excited as we all did even with the drama going on with Rita and Nora.

After two weeks of therapy,I was surprised when Cathy began avoiding the topic of making babies.I felt she was just too busy for that but I was dumb founded when Cathy said "I don't think I want to ever take in or give birth ever,I don't really think it's my thing,besides I'm not sure I am really capable of protecting a child" she said and I realized our issues just took another crazy form.