Lavender

Flashback #1

Episode 6

Flashback #1

When we leave the Hot Springs, Dean finds us another small motel to stay in for the night. He books one room with two beds again. I make a beeline for the shower and it's just as satisfying as the night before. My cheerfulness quickly fades when I get out and remember I only have one pair of clean panties left. Well, I'll just have to go commando under my pajamas tonight so I can wear those tomorrow. Just as I'm thinking it's not the worst I've been through, a flashback hits me. I sink to the bathroom floor while I wait for it to pass.

I wake up in the morning, time to start getting ready for school. I've worn these same clothes for 4 days now but daddy doesn't have any clean ones for me to wear. Something feels wet on my legs. I throw the covers back. I had an accident in my sleep. Oh no, daddy's gonna be really mad. I don't want to leave my room, but I tiptoe out to the hallway and see his door is cracked. I open it all the way and see him leaning against the headboard with a drink in his hand. It's half toppled over and his eyes are closed. I'm so scared to wake him, but I have to, I don't know what to do, I have no other panties to wear. I sneak over and gently call to him, "Daddy? Daddy? Can you wake up? I had an accident. Daddy?..." I tap him and he jolts awake, the drink spills on his bed. He immediately turns to glare at me and his hand lifts high. He brings it down quickly, and I feel a burn on my cheek as soon as I hear the slap. "Stupid girl, look what you did now. You're going to school like that, maybe then you'll learn your lesson." Hot tears stream down my cheeks and I turn and run back to my room.

I still remember the disgust I felt radiating from the kids at school, I remember the way dread felt in the pit of my stomach, and how embarrassment burnt my face. Once my head is clear and I'm back in the present, I feel all of it again and my eyes are wet. There's knocking on the door and Dean's voice, sounding worried, "Gwendolyn! Are you okay? Open the door for me, little one. Hello? Gwen?"

"I-I'm okay! Give m-me a minute." I try to clear my nose and scramble up to quickly throw on my pajamas. What's got him so worried? I hurry to open the door, thinking something is really wrong out there. He grabs my arms and looks me up and down, "Are you okay? You were sobbing, you had me so worried."

"No, I'm okay. It was just a memory." I offer a small smile and wipe my eyes with my palms. He pulls me against his chest. "I'm so sorry Gwen, so sorry I didn't find you sooner. I don't know everything that's happened to you, I can't even begin to understand, but I'm here for you." I don't know what to do with my arms, so I just let them hang there. "I'm fine, really Dean. It's no big deal." I feel like he's cutting off my air supply. I can't breathe very well when pressed so close to his chest. I push back and he lets me go.

"I'm just gonna go to bed, I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning." I tell him. I walk over to the bed that hasn't been touched and pull back the blankets. He's still watching me carefully, a frown forming on that beautiful mouth. I get tucked in and curl into the tightest ball possible, thinking sleep will take me quickly, but instead tears find my eyes again. Thankfully, Dean has moved on and is in the bathroom already. I hear the water running. The dread in my stomach won't leave. I let myself cry until the water cuts off. Then I'm rushing to wipe my face with the blankets, so he won't know. I close my eyes and slow my breath, pretending to be fast asleep.

When Dean steps out of the bathroom, he looks me over and plants a quick kiss on my forehead. Feeling tingles on your head is such a funny thing, I want to laugh, but I force myself to be still and breathe evenly. He gets into his bed and turns out the light. I wait a while for sleep to take me, but it never comes. I decide to do something that might be incredibly stupid, but also might help me feel better. I think he's already asleep when I step out of my bed onto the plush carpet and tiptoe over to his. I pull up the covers and curl up into his side. He moves his arm around me, holding me there, but doesn't move any further. I breathe a sigh of relief and close my eyes. He's so warm and comforting, his skin is surprisingly soft and smooth for as big as he is. Thankfully, the darkness sucks me in quickly.

I wake up early the next morning, the sun is just starting to come up. I turned over at some point in the night, so I'm facing away from Dean, but he must have turned with me because he's curled around me, against my back. I try not to move. I just want to savor this moment of safety and not wake him. A few moments later, he kisses the back of my head and mumbles, "Good morning, princess. How'd you sleep?" I let out a little laugh at his grogginess, "I slept well. I'm sorry for coming to your bed, I hope I didn't bother you. I just didn't feel very good last night."

He pulls me closer to him, "You have nothing to be sorry for. This is where you belong, right at my side." I close my eyes and wonder again what I did to deserve such love from a stranger. You're nothing special, Gwen. Don't get used to this, he's gonna drop you on your ass as soon as you get to Montana. I try to ignore the voice and just enjoy this moment, whatever this is, I don't want it to end, but I don't want to get used to it either.

Eventually, I start to pull out of his arms, I have to pee so badly. As soon as I make a small move to get out of the bed, he grumbles and pulls me back. Laughing, I tell him in a quiet voice, "We have to go, gotta finish the trip remember?" He groans and sits up. "You're right, little one. Let's go."

---

We're crossing the Wyoming border into Montana, and it's warmer now that it's late afternoon but still cool from the air blowing around on the bike. Dean called back a few minutes ago and said we've got about another hour. I'm so nervous, I'm going to meet my real dad soon. A pang hits my chest, I wonder why Dean's looked for me all this time but not my dad. What if he doesn't want me? What if the pack doesn't like me? I suddenly can't breathe, sadness and panic strike my chest. I start to completely freak out inside, sweat is forming on my brow, tears are in my eyes, my whole body is shaking. Dean immediately recognizes something's wrong and pulls the bike to the side of the road.

He puts the kickstand down and jumps off, quickly turning to grab me off the bike with him. "What is it, little one? What's wrong?" He sits on the ground and pulls me to his chest. I faintly realize that I'm hyperventilating now, but I can't stop. "Talk to me baby, what happened?!"