Not on Fire (Phan AU)

teenage dirtbag

By the next day, Louise has already responded, but Dan--slightly worried to hear her response and feeling slightly put off by the fact that it took her so long to respond--hasn't read it yet. He's already forgiven her--it's not about that--but has she forgiven him? For some reason the thought had even crossed his mind until after he sent the text. Usually his apology is all it takes for them to go back to being best friends, but this time wasn't like normal, at least to him anyway. Maybe he's overthinking it, but he can't help it, not now that he's decided to be a better person, that is.

It's a Monday. Normally, that'd mean school, but--despite the fact that it had been starting to warm up, or come as close to warming up as it can in this god-awful state in the middle of f*****g February--Mother Nature decided to be a bit of a b***h--or a goddess, depending on how you look at it--and make it drop way below zero overnight. Naturally, this means no school, and it also means that Dan, who is still too worried to open the text from Louise, has nothing to do and no one to hang out with. Of course, there's always Phil, but Dan's not sure if they're at the point in their friendship where they are able to handle hanging out for two days in a row without running out of things to say.

This would clearly be a great day to make good on his resolution to better his relationship with his parents even further. After all, he can't expect for all the rips to have been mended yesterday in such a short time, especially considering how they reacted to one groan, but even though school was cancelled for him, that didn't mean the same for his parents and their jobs, so that's out of the equation.

He could write, too, but even if he's able to trick himself into thinking that he has enough motivation to do that long enough to turn on his laptop, he's no fool and he knows that as soon as he opens up a document to write, whatever motivation he had will disappear, leaving him staring at a blank page for a few seconds before he gives up, opens up a new tab, and logs in to tumblr. And if he's going to end up wasting his day on tumblr, he'd rather skip the middle man completely and just go straight on it.

The thing is, however, that he really doesn't want to waste his whole day on tumblr. There are so many better things that he can do to be productive, but if he even goes on tumblr for one second, he knows he's not going to want to do anything significant for the rest of the day because he's a lazy asshole among many other things.

He's almost tempted to start planning his next fire as he hasn't done one in what feels like forever, but it seems almost stupid to be thinking about such a thing when the weather is in such a state. He'd only be teasing himself, something that he's not quite fond of doing, so he decides against it (at least for now), fully aware that he'll probably crack by the end of the day if he doesn't find anything better to do.

If he were to just look at the text, maybe he'd be able to hang out with Louise, but there's no guarantee that will work at all. Even if it did, does he really want to hang out with her? What would they do? Usually, they either watch movies or mind their own business, both of them on their phones--which means that Dan's on tumblr and Louise is doing god-knows-what. Or Louise lectures him, but he can't think of anything in particular that Louise knows about that would make her want to lecture him, so he doubts that would be likely.

He could always just stay in bed all day, fading in and out of sleep, but that's even worse than spending all day on tumblr and he's never been a big fan of sleeping in all day because then he just feels like he missed something even if there was nothing to miss (which, let's be honest, there's nothing for him to miss right now anyway).

He's torn away from his thoughts by the sound of his phone going off, alerting him of an incoming text message. He almost doesn't feel like answering it and stays put for a few seconds, with his hands behind his head as he--once again--stares at the ceiling, but then it occurs to him that he's bored and if someone's texting him, it could be a good excuse for him to not spend the day all alone.

He rolls over, pulling one of his hands out from under his head as he does so, and grabs his phone off his nightstand.

Phil: Hey want to come over? We never did get around to playing video games yesterday.

Well, it looks like he won't even have to ask. Sure, there's still that thought in the back of his mind, questioning if he can really stand another day with Phil, but Phil's the one who invited him and he's pretty sure it's just implied that he's supposed to say yes considering they're friends.

Dan: Sure.

Phil: Great. Come over whenever.

After Phil texts him his address, Dan doesn't respond, figuring that there's no need to. They can talk when he gets to Phil's house or they can just play video games (though Dan's pretty sure most friends talk even when doing that, but he wouldn't know, of course). Plus, he's not exactly sure how to respond--but then again, he's never been that good at social interaction, which was one of the reasons he chose keep himself isolated from everybody else.

First, however, he needs to bring himself to get out of bed, which requires way more energy than it should. Every single time he's finally talked himself into sitting up, he remembers how comfortable it is and how cold it will be once he's out from under the comforter, meaning he does nothing for quite some time. Just because he didn't want to spend the whole day in bed doesn't mean it's going to be any easier for him to motivate himself to get out of bed--after all, he lazy as f**k most days and can really only motivate himself to watch things burn (of course, no one knows that).

Once he's finally able to roll out of bed, quite literally, he's hit with a wave of cold air. Even with the heat turned on high, his room always manages to get cold in the winter, which is why he has such a thick comforter, but it's just another thing making it harder for him to leave his bed. He quickly throws on a pair of black skinny jeans (which account for a high percentage of his jeans) and a black t-shirt, not caring too much about his appearance to really think through his outfit right now.

After he's done getting dressed, he takes one quick look around his room before grabbing his phone and heading towards the bathroom, closing his door behind him as he goes. He brushes his hair just to make sure that it's not sticking up everywhere and then, with nothing let to do, he heads over to Phil's house, making sure to put on his heavy winter coat before he goes. (Normally, he'd put on his leather jacket, but he's not in the mood to completely freeze today.)

Of course, the one tiny--okay, huge--problem that he hadn't considered earlier is the fact that he doesn't have a car and therefore has to walk to Phil's house because his parents have already left for work. Even with a heavy coat on, he's still freezing (of course he is; there's a reason they cancelled school) and Phil's house is at least five minutes away if not further. He's almost tempted to call Phil and see if he can come pick him up, but he feels almost pathetic doing that. He's seventeen years old for christ's sake and he doesn't even have a car and has to rely on his parents to take him to most places unless he wants to walk. Which means that he's going to have to suck it up and walk.

It goes without saying that Dan's cheeks instantly feel raw as the harsh wind nips at his skin and the cold air does nothing to help it, but still, he gets annoyed, even though he has no right to and walks with his hands in his pockets in an attempt to keep them semi-warm and a frown on his face.

It only takes him a little longer than five minutes to get to Phil's house, but it feels like an eternity before he's knocking on the door and Phil's opening it with a smile only for it to drop into a frown on worry when he sees the frozen state that Dan's in.

"What happened?" Phil asks as he ushers Dan in and closes the door. "Did you walk all the way here?"

"Uh, yeah." It sounds so stupid when Phil says it like that (but then again, it sounded stupid from the beginning).

"Oh my god!" Phil says, his jaw dropping. "Are you stupid? It's way too cold out there, and I'm pretty sure there's some sort of warning saying that you shouldn't be outside for so long."

"I didn't have any other way to get here." Dan shrugs, taking off his coat and his shoes. "And I don't need you to worry about me, too. Louise already does that enough for you and any other friends I may get in my life."

"Well, I can't blame her for worrying if you do stupid things like this all the time. You could have texted me if you needed a ride. I have a car," Phil scolds, shaking his head slightly, but he drops it almost immediately. "I hope you don't mind, but I invited PJ and Chris over. I figured playing video games with four people would be more interesting than with one."

The second he hears that PJ and Chris are going to be hanging out with him, he wants to open up the front door and walk out, but he knows that he shouldn't. After all, his whole body is still freezing from being out in the chilly weather and he doesn't want to come off too rude (even though he pretty much is). If he had known they were going to be here beforehand, he would have made up some excuse to stay home. Nothing against them personally (well, maybe Chris, but definitely not PJ), Dan just wasn't a big fan of hanging out with people he wasn't totally comfortable with, and well, he barely knows them, only having hung out with them once besides to work on something for school.

Social situations have never been something Dan's comfortable with. He can hang out with Louise with no problem because he's been doing for so long and she's good at doing things that Dan likes. Besides her, he only really hangs out with Phil and he's still trying to get more comfortable with it. There's a reason he's practically invisible at school and it's because he never goes out of his way to interact with people if he doesn't have to.

But Phil's clearly hoping that he'll be okay with it, and well, he's not completely heartless.

"I don't mind," Dan says, forcing a smile onto his face even though he just feels like groaning and climbing back into bed. He can already tell this isn't going to go all that well. Even if he is able to smile through it and not let anybody realize how he's truly feeling, these types of things always make him stressed, and when he's stressed, he's either watching something burn down to the ground or smoking a cigarette, two things that most people wouldn't classify as good things for people to do.

"Okay, great! They're already here and I think they're setting up a video game. I told them to just pick whatever, but if you don't like it, we can switch it out after a round or two," Phil says, leading Dan into what he assumes is the living room.

"As long as I'm good at it, I don't really care all that much."

"I'm secretly hoping that either PJ or Chris will be able to beat you honestly."

"Why? 'Cause you know you can't?"

"We both know I can't unless I get really lucky or I distract you, but I'm going to try and play fair, which is why I'm putting my faith into them."

"Yeah, when do you ever play fair."

"Hey!" Phil hits him on the shoulder lightly as they walk into the living room.

It's nothing grand. There's a TV along one wall and a couch on the opposite, with a coffee table separating them and a computer desk off to the side. A small bookshelf is covered in tiny knick-knacks, movies, and videogames instead of actual books. Still, Dan takes it all in, allowing his eyes to roam all over the room.

"Kinky," Chris says with a goofy smile on his face. "I didn't think you'd be into that, Phil."

"Don't listen to him," PJ says. "I think I'm going to have to cut off his tongue while he's sleeping one night."

It's hard for Dan to keep up with the fast-paced conversation. It's easy when it's just Phil, but now that there's so many voices, he can hardly take it all in. When he finally manages to keep up, he can't find time to say anything, leaving him standing awkwardly as the rest of them get situated and ready to start playing.

"Are you going to come or are you just going to stand there?" Chris asks. Dan's not too sure if he means for it to sound so rude, but even though it's the exact same thing he would have said, he feels slightly offended by it. He probably didn't mean it like that because even though he's definitely the class clown type, he doesn't seem like a bad guy--just someone who doesn't realize when he's stepping over the line.

He doesn't say anything to respond. He just walks over and sits down in the empty seat, grabbing a controller while he's at it, hoping that they finish this soon so he can go home and find some way to calm down (which means that he'll probably resort to grabbing his bear out of his closet again as it's definitely way too cold for him to go outside and smoke and way too early for him to even think about setting a fire).

***

As it turns out, PJ and Chris are both really good at video games, but so is Phil and Dan's still better than him. While he finds himself struggling at times to stay in the lead, he's easily able to win multiple rounds, causing Phil to groan every time. At first, it's all games with all of them focusing on trying to win, but after Dan's won more rounds than not, it's like they give up and instead of staying silent except for the odd remark, they're talking and holding full conversations as they play.

Dan can't even talk to them properly when that's all he's focusing on, so he definitely can't do it when he's busy playing a game. It's just that he can't help but notice how they all get along so well while Dan's like the odd ball out (who is starting to feel like he's a third wheel even though there's four of them, not three). He wants to talk--well, actually he doesn't, but he feels like he should. The problem is that whenever he thinks of something to say, the conversation has already moved on from that and they're all laughing, probably too engrossed in whatever they're talking about to realize that they've left Dan out.

Except, as soon as he thinks that, Phil has to bring him into it.

"What do you think, Dan?" Phil asks.

"What?"

"We were talking about possibly going to the mall after this. Do you want to come?"

For a second, Dan wants to say yes. If they're planning on going to the mall, that means they're probably ready to be done playing video games soon and Dan doesn't want to go home quite yet, but then he remembers PJ and Chris and how he already feels suffocated after only hanging out with them for a short time.

"I can't. I have some stuff to do around the house."

"Oh, that's okay. We can always do it some other time."

"Yeah, sure." His voice sounds strained to his own ears, but nobody says anything about it and he hopes that it's just his mind messing with him.

Needless to say, Dan loses that round.

***

After they get done playing, shortly after the conversation about the mall, Phil gives Dan a ride home, having insisted that Dan should not be out in this weather for longer than a few seconds even with a coat on. They don't talk for much of the ride, save for a few words here and there, but luckily it's rather short, being only a matter of minutes before they're in Dan's driveway. However, after being drained from hanging out with so many people at once, Dan can't get out of their soon enough and before he knows it, he's rushing to his bedroom to find comfort in the only thing he can, setting fire to something he once loved.

It's been awhile since he's done it as he was too busy trying to deal with Louise and Phil for the past month. It feels nice just thinking about it, and his shoulders visibly relax as soon as he pulls it out along with his lighter. Despite the fact that he started burning it quite some time ago, it still only has a few burnt spots to show for it, but not for long.

He doesn't waste any time in bringing the lighter to it and watching as the flames lick at the bear and turn the once yellow color black. And as that part of the bear is burned so it's hardly recognizable, it's like a part of his past has faded away, leaving a blank slate for him to start all over.