Not on Fire (Phan AU)

guilt

Louise has been around for a long time, longer than Dan's officially thought of her as a friend, that is. And if there's one thing Dan has learned about her in all this time it's that she likes control. She likes telling him what to do and what not to do, and he listens because he doesn't like control. Except there is one thing that Dan can't stand when it comes to Louise interfering with his life: her opinion on his smoking habit.

Louise calls cigarettes death sticks and says he's going to kill himself if he continues sucking on them. But he's careful to never smoke around her or other non-smokers, so he's not sure why it's her problem. Also, it's not like he smokes to die; he just enjoys watching the smoke dance in the air and then disappear, but he can't tell her that. Sure, he could watch it but not smoke it. However, the supposed death stick is calming in a way that she can't understand because she's never tried one.

Plus, who is to say he's for sure going to die. He listened in health class to the statistics and the numbers and that one guy came in with the whole in his neck who had to talk with that one thing that made his voice sound robotic. It's a gamble as far he's concerned, and well, this is a common conversation between the two of them.

So when he goes over to her house on Sunday, the lingering smell of cigarette smoke on his clothes, it really shouldn't come as a shock to him when she has something to say about it.

"What have I told you about smoking?" she asks sounding rather horrified, but definitely not surprised. She's standing in front of the door, blocking him from getting in, with her hand on her hip, and her signature disappointed frown on her face.

Normally, that's all she would have to do to get him to give in, but for some reason, it rarely works with smoking. Maybe it's because smoking is the one thing, besides setting fires, he can handle to do on his own without feeling like he's going to mess everything up with all of the power he has. Whatever the reason, he should be allowed at least a sliver of control over his life considering he's allowed Louise to control the majority of his life.

"That it's a bad habit that's going to ultimately lead to my death," Dan says, his voice flat and unamused.

It's cold as it's still winter and the thin leather jacket that he's wearing provides barely any warmth. Louise doesn't live that far away from him, so it shouldn't have mattered. The walk was short even with a smoke break in the middle of it, but standing in front of Louise's door as she stares him down was definitely not part of the plan.

"Exactly!" she says, her voice raised and almost loud enough to be considered shouting. "I know you have no regard for your life whatsoever, but you have friends and family that will be extremely sad if you die."

"Louise, you're my only friend. Now, can we please talk about this inside? It's freezing out here."

She moves out of the way, but that expression doesn't leave her face and her eyes burn wholes into his back as he walks past her, taking off his jacket as he moves.

There's an episode of Doctor Who on the TV and a cup of what looks like hot chocolate on the coffee table, but the TV is rudely turned off as soon as Dan sits down on the sofa.

"I was going to make you some hot chocolate," Louise says, taking a seat next to him, the remote in her right hand, "but before we can do anything, we need to talk about your smoking issue."

"There's nothing to talk about!" Dan whispers, his voice raised so that it almost sounds like he's shouting. "My smoking doesn't affect you, so you shouldn't have any say in it." It's only after these words fall from his lips, rushed and without any thought whatsoever, that he realizes the full extent of them. He expects her to tell him what's wrong and what's right and he lets her convince him to talk to Phil, all of which are things that don't affect her in the least bit.

His face drops for a second like a crack in his armor that he's built up, and his argument is falling to pieces in front of him. Louise sees this and the smile on her face turns wicked. He struggles to put them back together before she can win him over and he quickly changes his facial expression back to what it was previously: his nose scrunched up, his mouth set in a fine-line, his eyes squinted and focused in on her.

"I'm only doing this to help you!" she shouts back. "If I didn't care about you, then I wouldn't be wasting my breath on this with you, but I f*****g care about you, you idiot." Louise is a calm person most of the time; there's no denying that, so his facial expression freezes on shocked.

"I know you care about me," he says, his voice calmer but still forceful, "but this is my life and I'm allowed to make 'stupid' decisions. Even my parents don't lecture me like this."

"Do your parents even know you smoke?"

"Well, no—"

"See, this is why I have to lecture you. I don't want you to throw your life away for nicotine and alcohol. You're smart and you're better than this," Louise pleads, looking at him with her puppy-dog eyes. They make eye-contact, and it's clear that someone's resolve is crumpling. As to whose it is, well, that's up in the air.

Dan's never felt so defeated before the fights even over, and if he had to guess, he'd probably say both of their arguments are weakening to mere begging, but either way, he has a gut feeling, something that weighs heavy on his heart and mind and makes his stomach feel like it's in knots, that this isn't going to turn out in a way that he's going to like.

"Fine, I'll stop bothering you about your smoking if you do something for me," she says, her eyes gleaming with mirth, but her words surprise him because he had been preparing to give up on his position for the first time in forever.

"What exactly would that be?"

Louise smiles very smugly before she opens her mouth and her eyes shine in an evil way before she opens her mouth and Dan doesn't even need to hear what she says to know he's screwed.

"You'll find out tomorrow before school, okay? I just need some time to think it over. Do we have a deal?" she says, but he knows that she already has a plan for what she's going to say and she's just doing this to toy with him for a bit, maybe to make him feel guiltier than he already does.

"We have a deal." Despite his hesitance, there's no denying that the deal sounds good, and Louise is nice for the most part, so he trusts that she won't do anything horrible.

There's no going back now.

***

Dan goes home with a large weight on his shoulders that weighs even heavier on his mind.

The temperature has dropped considerably, and it's dark out, too, with stars that are hidden behind the glow of the streetlights. The weather and atmosphere reflects his worsening mood quite well and maybe if he was a better friend, he wouldn't be in this position, but he's worried about what Louise is going to ask him to do.

He does trust her, with all his heart most of the time, but he's reasonably worried. Louise has a history of meddling in his life and she has a list a mile long of things that Dan has promised her to do or improve on that he has yet to actually follow through with, so there's no saying what it's going to be really and that's what worries him the most. Obviously, he knew what he was getting into when he promised her, but if he hasn't actually done it yet, there's probably a reason for that, too.

He walks on the grass instead of the sidewalk because he likes the way it crunches underfoot when he steps on it. The sound is the only thing keeping him calm because he's currently two seconds away from wanting to scream and at this point, he's not even sure why.

His mom and dad are watching TV in the living room when he gets home at nine o'clock, and he toes off his shoes with their watchful eyes glued on him and shrugs off his jacket, pretending like they aren't there. This almost works and he's able to make it all the way to the bottom of the stairs before they say anything.

"So what did you and Louise do all day?" his mom asks, almost hesitantly as if she's scared of how Dan's going to react to the simple question.

Guilt claws at his stomach and works its way all over his body in just a few seconds as the reality of what her voice means sets in. He's a horrible person, an asshole really, and if Louise were here right now, she'd surely be talking his ear off of about how lucky he is to have such caring and involved parents.

"We talked mostly," he says without turning around, but he hopes that his voice comes out gentle and not rough.

"Well did you have fun?" his dad asks.

"I did."

The conversation ends after that and Dan stands at the bottom of the stairs for a few seconds, waiting awkwardly for them to say something else, but they don't, so eventually, he just goes on up and isolates himself in his bedroom.

He can't fall asleep with so much on his mind, so he tries for thirty minutes even though it's way before he usually goes to bed and then gets on his laptop, opens up Tumblr and tries not to think about how much of a f**k up he is.

Maybe he's going about this all wrong. Sure, he can't tell his parents about a lot of the things he's interested in because they'd probably freak out and make him see a therapist, but they're his parents no matter what. Louise is right when she says that he's lucky because he is so lucky to have parents who care about him and are pretty much willing to do whatever to keep him happy. And no one is expecting him to have a perfect relationship with them, but the least he can do is not shut them out completely and stop snapping at them. After all, that could be what Louise wants him to do; she's always on his case about treating them better anyway.

He falls asleep with his laptop on and his mind set at eleven o'clock after almost two hours of contemplation. It's one of those types of falling asleep where it just happens so suddenly: one second you're up and you're not tired at all, but then before you know it you're waking up in the morning with no recollection of ever being tired. His laptop is resting on the other side of his pillow and he closes his eyes for just a second, swearing that he's just resting them for a mere second.

But he doesn't open them again until six thirty in the morning to the blaring of what he thinks is his alarm clock, but when he comes to it, he recognizes the noise as the ringing of his phone. For a second, the question of who would call him before he even has to get up for school bounces around in his mind, but then he remembers the deal he made with Louise and the peaceful look falls off of his face.

He sucks in a deep breath before grapping his phone and clicking the answer button.

"Hello?"