Not on Fire (Phan AU)

awkward situations

His promise to Louise lingers in his mind the whole day. When he's doing a timed writing for AP Literature, he writes but he's not sure what exactly (probably a bunch of fluff that makes no sense but that's most of what his essays are anyway and he typically does well). And he's physically present at lunch, but he's just running through the motions on autopilot and his mind is in a completely different place that's glazed over and isolated. He's not even sure why it's such a big deal. Obviously, he doesn't want Louise to bother him about his occasional cigarette, but all she's asked is that he invites him over—he doesn't have to entertain him or do anything really, but the mere thought is glued to his mind and he can't stop turning it over and over.

Either way, it plays in his mind like a song that just won't leave and considering he's never been very good at getting songs out of his head—he mainly just lets them fade away gradually on their own—he doesn't have a single clue as to how he might be able to get this out of his mind.

And when he's two seconds from the end of the day bell ringing, his anxiety spikes to the point where he's bouncing his leg, which is something he rarely does. He's more of a tapper kind of guy: he'll tap his fingers, a pencil, whatever is in his hand.

He meets him at Phil's locker after rushing to his to put away his stuff. Phil's squatting down to put some stuff away when he walks up to him, and in his mind, some place buried underneath all of the worry, he makes some off-hand comment about how good his ass looks in those jeans, but that's irrelevant. He clears his throat to get Phil's attention, gives himself a quick pep talk when he looks up at him.

"Hi!" Phil says, overly enthusiastic, his usual peppy self, which would normally annoy Dan a lot more, but his mind is a little clouded for a few reasons, so he can't even bring himself to care as much. He stands up and brushes off the font of his jeans.

"Hi," Dan responds, more hesitant and drawn out, almost whisper-quiet. The next words are harder to push out of his mouth—lies have always been something that flows smoothly from his mouth with no difference in his tone than it would be on a regular day, but what he's trying to say, something he would equate to apologizing in terms of his ability to get them out, is stuck in his throat like he's choking and then: "Do you want to come over to my house? We could play video games or something."

"Sure," Phil says excitedly, smiling. His smile, teeth and all, doesn't produce the dimples that Dan's does, but it's the type of smile that lights up a person's face like sunshine. (Genuine, Dan thinks, that's what makes it so powerful.) "Just let me finish up here and then we can go."

He shoves one final thing in his backpack and then tightens the strings, setting it down to put on his coat. After he slings on his coat, he quickly puts on his backpack and shuts his locker.

"Is it okay if we walk?" Dan asks, moving the straps of his backpack up further and turning to walk towards the exit, expecting Phil to follow.

He sees Louise out of the corner of his eye, staring at them, much like he expected her to, with a proud smile on her face. But he turns away quickly and ignores her.

"I can drive, but you'll have to tell me where to go."

"Okay, great."

They walk in silence, side by side, with Phil just ever so slightly in front so he's able to guide them to his car.

It's hot in the school, unbearably so under layers of clothing, but it's the type of cold outside where you can see your breath. It's a relatively windless day, but even the slightest pit of wind feels like pinpricks on Dan's skin. He can't see it himself, obviously, but he figures that he's probably sporting rosy cheeks, the one splash of color on his otherwise monochrome appearance.

Dan briefly glances over at Phil, only to find that his hand is awkwardly placed in his pocket. There's no easy way to describe it, but his finger tips are just barely inside the actual pocket and his hand is twisted so his palm is in front. It's probably the weirdest thing Dan's ever see someone do with their hands honestly. Dan turns back to look straight ahead before anybody can notice.

They get into Phil's car—which isn't anything grand by any means, but it's a pretty shade of blue nonetheless. It's also messy, too, which pieces of paper in the backseat amongst other miscellaneous things, and as odd as it might sound, Dan sees a sock or two on the floor.

Phil awkwardly shoves some of the stuff out of sight with a bashful smile and a hesitant laugh. "Sorry, it's a bit of a mess. I've been meaning to clean it up, but I just haven't gotten around to it."

"No, it's fine. I'm sure if I had a car, I'd be just the same way."

Dan wouldn't say he's a messy person, really. For the most part, he keeps his room clean, with everything shoved into the closet randomly, but when his room does become a mess, it's hard for him to find the motivation to clean it again, even if cleaning it really is as simple as just shoving everything into his closet that isn't some type of article of clothing. So he's not sure if he's lying or not when he says that he'd be just the same way. He could be saying it to make Phil feel more at ease, but at this point, he's not sure if he's nice enough to actually do that.

Ever since school started up again after winter break, he's been so off and on, especially with his promises to Louise, and he reminds himself that that's all this is—a promise that he's keeping, finally, and nothing more.

The car ride is silent for the first minute it takes Phil to get out of the school parking lot, but then he puts some music on—it's Muse, which instantly makes Dan feel just a tiny bit better about hanging out with Phil—but keeps it low, so when Dan tells him where to go, there's no mistaking his words.

It doesn't take them that long to get there and it's not entirely unpleasant. It's not necessarily an experience Dan thinks he'll be repeating any time soon, but if he were to do so, he wouldn't mind all that much he decides.

Some of his nerves return when they pull up to his house. Under Dan's directions, Phil parks near the curb because there are two cars in the driveway already, meaning both of his parents are home.

Ever since he came out as bisexual, his parents, especially his mom, see everyone as a potential boyfriend or girlfriend, so he already knows that his mom is going to bother him after Phil leaves, and that's something he won't ever be truly prepared for. But he still tries, even if it is futile. In fact, the first time it happened, it was with Louise but it didn't take any time at all for them to decide their relationship was far from a romantic one. Ever since, they've just been waiting for him to bring someone home and for it to actually be because they're dating. (Literally, every single time he's brought someone over because of a school project, they've pulled him aside and asked him if they're dating and every single time it's the same damn answer.)

When the car comes to a complete stop, he unbuckles his seatbelt and opens the door, slams it shut. He doesn't bother waiting for Phil and just starts walking up towards the front door, knowing Phil will follow after him without a second thought. He's nice enough to wait for him in front of the door before he opens it and steps inside. He shuts the door close behind Phil and kicks off his shoes.

His mom is sitting on the couch when they walk in and she looks up and smiles when she sees them. "Who's this?" she asks, a mischievous glint in her eye. Her voice feigns innocence, but he knows better.

"His name is Phil," Dan answers, rolling his eyes and taking off his backpack and jacket. "We're just going to go hang out upstairs."

Phil remains quiet throughout the short exchange and awkwardly takes off his backpack and coat. A small, hesitant smile is present on his face, and his hands are in his pockets in the weird position again.

Dan is about to show Phil upstairs when his dad comes down with a newspaper in hand a shocked expression on his face. He didn't know Dan was brining over a "friend," for lack of a better word (Dan wouldn't really call him an acquaintance because they're past that stage, but he's definitely not a friend), so Dan's not at all surprised by his dad's reaction. It just would be nice if he was a little less obvious about his feelings, and Dan can tell that he's not the only one growing increasingly more uncomfortable. In fact, from the corner of his eye, it almost looks like Phil's sporting a light rose-colored blush.

"Who's this?" his dad asks, mimicking his mom's question, his eyes going back and forth between Dan and his mom. He raises an eyebrow, settling his gaze on Dan.

"I'm Phil," Phil says before Dan can answer for him, extending his hand to shake hands. Phil and his dad shake hands quickly, and then Phil awkwardly drops his hand. "I'm a friend of Dan's."

Clearly, he's completely misunderstood Dan inviting him over, but that's not a surprise at all. It's kind of annoying (but what it's annoying to Dan in all honestly?), but Dan doesn't comment on it, just smiles out of place and hopes that no one sees through it. Honestly, he's not even sure how Phil came to the conclusion that they're friends considering they've talked less than a handful of times and they're conversations, while they proved that they had a lot in common, always end rather abruptly.

"I didn't even know Dan had a friend besides Louise," his dad says, laughing and moving past the two boys. "The last time he brought someone over other than her, it was for a school project."

It feels like the spotlights on him. He's never had stage fright before, but he almost imagines that this is what it's like. He feels unbearably uncomfortable in his own skin, and he's sure he's blushing, which he's never been one to do so. He just wants to grab Phil's wrist and pull him into his room, but he doesn't want to come off too rude (because, let's be real, it's one thing to ignore random people at school but it's another thing to completely ignore your parents).

"I think you're embarrassing him," his mom says, her voice playful. Dan can't see her, but she's probably sporting a smirk.

"What?" his dad asks. "It's the truth. I was starting to think he would never have any friends."

At this point, Dan can't handle it anymore. He feels an odd mix of anger and nerves, a combination that makes him a stranger in his own body, and he's torn between wanting to punch somebody and wanting to go hide in his room, which he's technically doing right now anyway. He grabs Phil by the wrist and quickly pulls him up the stairs and into his bedroom.

His bedroom door slams shut behind them, a loud, piercing noise that shatters the silence, but only for a second. Then the silence is back again—just as deafening as before.

The game in his console is Mario Kart, so that's what they play. Dan pulls out his desk chair and his gaming chair from his closet and sets them up in front of the TV.

The first thing Dan notices when they start playing is that Phil isn't all that good. He's not horrible by any means, but he's a fair distance away from Dan and constantly getting sent back further. Maybe Dan's just exceptionally good—he wouldn't know because he rarely plays with other people—but he finds himself yawning and half-assing it, still maintaining his first place lead.

Halfway through their second match, Phil says, "You're cheating," with a frown on his face and his arms crossed over his chest, the controller discarded on his lap. But he's quick to pick it back up and start playing, not wanting to make any chance of him catching up slimmer.

"No, you just suck," Dan answers, ending it with a genuine laugh as Phil falls further and further behind. "I didn't think it was possible for someone to suck so much, but somehow, you do."

"Hey!" Phil says, sounding offended and leaning forward in the chair to focus better on the screen. "I don't suck; you're just exceptionally good or something."

"I thought I was just cheating."

"Well that, too."

"Just admit it, I'm a million times better than you."

"Just admit that you're cheating."

"I'm not cheating!"

They go back and forth like this for the next few games, but after five wins for Dan and zero for Phil, the game grows boring and Dan turns it off, effectively turning off their conversation at the same time, too.

Silence envelops them for a few minutes, and Dan tries thinking of a way to break it, but he's never been good at starting conversations, so it takes him a while before he finally thinks of something to say and even then, it sucks.

"What do you want to do next?" It's the annoying question that no one wants to hear when they're at someone else's house because it's hard to know what you want to do when you don't even know what all there is to do. But Dan's fresh out of good conversation starters and he figures, at the very least, it's better than sitting in silence until Phil awkwardly decides to leave.

"I don't know," Phil answers, shrugging, his eyes moving around Dan's room as if he's trying to soak it all in and commit it to memory. "What do you want to do?"

Dan shrugs and tries to find out what Phil's looking at, but his room is rather bare, so he gives up trying to do that and instead turns to look at Phil. Phil's looking everywhere but him, and Dan almost thinks that he's realized that he doesn't actually want to be friends with Dan. But Dan's probably just being hopeful, except the idea doesn't really sound like a good one or a bad one. He honestly feels like they've blurred the lines a bit, and while he definitely doesn't want to be friends with Phil, it's not a horrible idea and he'd probably get over it if it happened.

"Look, I have things I would much rather be doing right now, so don't make this any more difficult than it already is," Dan says forcefully.

Phil's eyes snap to his, and the sunshine that had previously lit up his whole face is gone, turned to moonlight, dark and depressing. "You're not even giving me a chance," he says, turning his eyes glazed eyes down to face the ground. He picks at the carpet and Dan watches, motionless and uncomprehending.

"What?"

"I know that you only befriended me to make Louise happy, but you aren't even trying to be my friend," Phil says sadly, and Dan's thoughts come to a standstill and instantly, it's like he's the worst person in the world.

Phil didn't deserve to get caught up in all of this, but somehow he did. Louise and Dan have just been using them for their own selfish purposes—whether or not Louise's intentions are pure (which Dan truly believes they are). They've been pushing him around, with Louise forcing him to befriend Dan and Dan using him just to make Louise happy with no intentions of actually befriending him.

Dan rarely feels like a horrible person. He feels like an asshole, but that's completely different. Honestly, he wishes, for Phil's and his sake, that they had never met. If Dan had only been on time that day (which he has been getting better at, by the way), he would have never had to walk Phil to class, and sure, they'd still have the same first block. But that doesn't mean that they would have to talk. Really, them meeting has been bad for the both of them, and even if Dan doesn't do friends and even if he is an asshole, it's in this moment that he realizes Phil is more than just a stranger who he can mess with without being affected.

"How?" Dan asks, his voice a mere whisper, confusion laced in his tone.

"I heard you ask her about it."

"When?"

"Does it matter? You told her we can't be friends, but you're not even giving me a chance—that's what matters." Phil sounds genuinely hurt and Dan can't stand to look at him—his frown, his eyes that are slowly filling with unshed tears—so he looks at his hands, which are rested on his lap.

"Look—I invited you over, didn't I?" He's grasping at straws at this point, and he knows it. His voice no longer sounds forceful or even confident. When did his life get so complicated?

"That's not enough."

"I've been hanging out with you at school and talking to you."

"But did you actually do that thinking we could be friends?"

Dan considers lying, letting the yes slip out of his mouth without a second thought, but he swallows the word instead because at this point, it would be pointless. Phil already knows the answer or he wouldn't be asking the question in a voice that practically gives away the answer.

"No, I—" Dan says, stumbling over his words. He takes a deep breath and then: "I'll try harder, okay? I meant it when I said that I don't do friends, so I'm not exactly sure how I'm supposed to act, but I have been trying. I'll admit: I could have tried harder. Now I will."

It's not much, but it's a promise and it brings a smile to Phil's face and a twinkle to his water-filled eyes. And that's enough for now.