Not on Fire (Phan AU)

the perks

Dan likes to sit on the floor in his bedroom, lighter in hand, the flame flickering between existing and not. In these situations, he's like a god, in control of everything and knowing what's going to happen before it finally does, but it's not an overwhelming power—it's something that fascinates him, excites him, thrills him. It's something he's comfortable doing and has done many times in the past, long before he started setting fire to bigger objects, but the point is that Dan likes the familiarity.

Hanging out with Louise is familiar; hanging out with Phil is manageable, but that's at his house. Now, he's expected to hang out with them and two people he barely knows at a place he hates, which isn't his idea of fun in the least bit.

For a split second, he almost thinks that he'd rather be caught, lighter in hand and burning building behind him, rather than go to the mall and spent an agonizing hour or two trying to socialize before the implications of that thought hit him. At the very least, he knows for a fact that he would rather be setting something on fire right now than heading to the mall.

Motivated by the idea of Louise backing off of him for a bit, he just has to keep reminding himself that this is all for a purpose, and once it's all over, he can smoke a cigarette to calm his nerves and put his mind at ease. Then maybe he'll start to think about the next thing he's going to light on fire.

***

"Where do you want to go?" is the first thing PJ asks when they arrive at the mall.

Currently, they're standing in Barnes & Nobles near the young adult books, which is right next to the exit. Past that, there is the food court on the left side and a row of shops on the other side. The shops eventually branch off into two parts going in opposite directions, like a T.

"We should go into the back of Spencer's," Chris says, winking, and everyone lets out a collective groan. The front half of Spencer's isn't too scandalous—the worst thing they have on display being inappropriate t-shirts—but the back is a different story. If you peak back there in between the shelfs that separate it from the front, you can see posters of girls wearing nothing but revealing lingerie. Dan's never been far enough to see what else can be found there, but everybody knows that you can buy "adult" products there, which always provides great humor for guys with the mind of a perverted 13 year old.

Dan's not surprised (and he's sure no one else is either), but it's not necessarily the type of humor he enjoys hearing. This is one of the many reasons he couldn't see a friendship between them when they worked on the project for school.

"Is s*x all you think about?" PJ says.

"Of course not! I think about food, too."

"I think he's trying to tell us that he wants food," Louise says.

"If we go by that logic, he also wants s*x," Dan adds in, unamused and ready to just leave. "And I don't think he's going to find that at this mall."

"Why, you offering?" Chris says slyly, looking at Dan with a suggestive look and an eyebrow raised.

"Can we talk about something besides s*x?" This time, it's Phil who speaks, who has been rather quiet for most of the exchange, uncharacteristically so, but the way Dan sees it, Phil's just needed someone who talks just as much as he does, if not more, to finally get him to shut up.

"You're just mad because you're still a virgin." Chris is condescending in the way he says this, mocking, but jokingly so in the way that goes under the radar unless you're looking.

"Can we just go somewhere?" PJ's practically groaning out of annoyance when he says this. "I'm a little hungry, so I figure we can stop by the food court first and then figure out what shops to go to."

"I'm not hungry," Dan says, irritation clear in his tone. He promised Louise that he would give Phil a chance, but he never said anything about the other two, so he doesn't think that he needs to impress the.

Louise stares at him with murderous eyes, but he just turns his head and glances over at Phil, who is standing to the side, minding his own business. Phil's his main priority right now, and maybe being an asshole in front of Phil's friends isn't going to help his case, but he's pretty sure Phil's desperate to be his friend anyway. Therefore, Louise's stare is totally uncalled for.

"Well, we don't have to go to the food court," PJ says. "It was just a suggestion."

Why did Dan come here again? What does he accomplish by wasting his afternoon hanging out with people he doesn't know all that well? Louise is just getting more annoyed with him, and Phil's not enjoying himself either (from what Dan can tell—not that he cares or anything).

"If you're hungry, then we should go," Louise says. "Dan doesn't have to order anything."

"I'm not very hungry either. How about me and Dan stay here until you guys finish up eating and then we can walk around the mall?" Phil adds.

"Sure, okay," she says, smiles and after a few seconds, PJ, Chris, and Louise all head out of the bookstore.

"Uh, thank you for getting me out of that. I really just want to be alone right now," Dan says as soon as they are far enough way. He turns to Phil, a thankful smile on his face.

He rarely goes into this store considering he doesn't like books all that much, but he does have to admit there's something relaxing about it. Because of the coffee shop inside it, the smell of coffee hangs in the air, and very little noise can actually be heard as few people are even in the store. The tall shelves of books that cover much of the room make him feel like he could get lost, and he feels like getting lost for a while, just to isolate himself from humanity and clear his brain. He may not see the appeal in reading books, but he definitely understands why some people come in here and stay for an hour or two without looking for anything.

"You're welcome." Silence. "I actually have a book I want to show you." He turns to walk away, but looks over his shoulder to make sure that Dan's going to walk behind him.

"You know I prefer movies." Dan follows Phil anyway. They don't go too far, just one shelf over and back.

There are a few titles that he knows, but only one catches his attention. One up from the floor is a small, paperback copy of The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Right away, Dan knows this is the book Phil wants to show him from this section. They've discussed it before, but Dan's only ever watched the movie, and while he loved it, he didn't want to taint the image of it by the book (and also he just doesn't want to read a book if he doesn't have to do so). But he would be lying if he said he never considered reading it because he has and always ends up deciding that it's not for him.

He bends down to pick it up and studies the cover. It's nothing too grand, rather simple actually, with a green cover and a picture of legs in the top right corner, the title in tiny font across the top and the author's name spread out across the bottom so it stretches from one end to another. He flips through the book and the first thing he notices is that it's written in letter-format, which does explain the opening of the movie now that he thinks about it.

He stands up, book in hand, and looks at Phil. "Is this the book you wanted to show me?"

"Yeah, I know you said you're more a movie person, but the book is a million times better and it's not too long of a read and I thought you might be more willing to buy it if you read a bit in store first. Obviously you don't have to get it, but I don't know . . . it's basically the book that made me want to start writing in the first place, and I know you used to write." Phil scratches his head for a second, almost nervously. "Just . . . think about it."

The back cover doesn't reveal anything that he doesn't already know from watching the movie, but it sounds interesting nonetheless. Although it's pricier than most paperback books, he's once again tempted to buy it with the money that he has on him. Plus, if he buys it, he can count it as giving Phil a chance, allowing a book to bring them closer. Louise would probably be happy.

He reads the first page and then the next and then the next before deciding what he's going to do. Well, he's pretty much known since he picked up the book, but he didn't want to buy it and then hate it. Plus, Phil told him to read a little bit before making a decision anyway, so that's what he's doing.

He already knows the major plot twist and the basic parts of the story, but he's still instantly captivated by the story from the first few words, wanting to read more to know more.

"I think I'll buy it," Dan says, closing the book. "Who knows—maybe I'll like it more than the movie."

"Oh, you definitely will," Phil says, a huge smile on his face, his eyes bright.

The rest of the time at the mall is rather uneventful. They go to a few different stores (not Spencer's) and look around for a bit, but Dan doesn't buy anything else apart from the book. Phil keeps the conversation going with Dan and Louise fail to do so, Chris makes a few dirty jokes before switching over to less perverted ones, and PJ talks about this short film he's working on every so often. They only stay for a little over an hour and a half, but by the time they're done, Dan's exhausted. Social interaction has never been one of his favorite things, and he'd almost go so far as to say he's an outgoing introvert, unafraid to speak his mind but wanting to avoid confrontation.

***

When Dan gets home, he immediately goes to his room and starts reading from where he left off, but shortly after sitting down, his eyes flash to where his lighter is hidden and, unable to resist the opportunity, thinks to himself that—at the very least—if he hates the book, he can always burn it (oh, the perks of being an arsonist).

But he keeps reading, flipping page after page without stopping. Even though most of what happens isn't anything new—only told in a slightly different fashion—it still feels as if he's hearing about these things for the first time. In fact, the emotion is so real that he slowly feels himself slipping into Charlie's mind, reacting as if everything is happening to him.

He gets halfway through before his mom knocks on the door and calls, "Dinnertime."

Filled with a desire to know more, experience more, he's almost tempted to ignore her and continue reading, but then his stomach growls.

He puts down the book, but he can't stop thinking about it. During all of dinner, he sits there, picks at his food and eats it slowly, too concentrated on what he's read so far to participate in the conversation.

Once he's finished, he grabs his glass of water and goes right back upstairs.

Why did he ever think movies were better than books? He's not sure (but he does feel rather stupid for once thinking so, having probably based his opinion on all of the terrible books he was forced to read in class and overanalyze). Either way, all he knows is that he's suddenly filled with the urge to open up his laptop and start writing. About what, he's unsure, but he just needs to write—letters, stories, poems, it doesn't matter.

It's been so long since he felt something like this that he almost doesn't know what to do, but his passion for writing has come back, so he finishes the book, sets it down and opens up his laptop and starts writing.

He's not sure that he has anything to say, but he could always write about his life—more specifically, about his life as an arsonist and title it The Perks of Being an Arsonist, so that's what he does in a word file on his computer.

There are a lot of downsides to being obsessed with fire to the point that you set things on fire—such as risking getting caught (and Dan hopes to never have to worry about that)—but Dan has to say, it does provide a great source of inspiration, and this time, he's in control again.