The Professor I Shouldn't Want

Like Fake Flowers

POV: Isadora

We were having lunch at the country club. It was Saturday, and the sun was out in full force. Ryan wouldn’t shut up about the new car he’d just bought, and I just stared at him, feeling restless. Lately, every time I saw him, I felt this way, fidgety, like something was eating at me. Him, us, our whole relationship. I’d been in this total deadlock for days, ever since that date... ever since Henry kissed me.

I couldn’t get his lips out of my head. The memory of his kiss, of his touch, was playing on a non-stop loop in my mind. God only knows how hard it was to sit through his class after that. All I had to do was look at him and the memories would come flooding back. His texts weren’t helping, either. He was being way more intimate now, more romantic, flirting with me constantly. And me? I was just sinking deeper into it all, letting myself get swept away by the feeling.

But I couldn't keep doing this; the tiny shred of common sense I had left was screaming at me. I was pretending to be someone else, hooking up with my professor, lying to his face, and to top it all off, I was cheating on my boyfriend. Whether I was "Anne" or Isadora didn't matter; there was no excuse. I had cheated on Ryan. And that was just one more reason I had to stop this right now.

But that was exactly the problem: I didn't want to stop. Not only did I not want to, I couldn't. And yeah, I’d tried. I’d tried blocking his number, tried drafting a text saying we couldn't talk anymore, but it was useless. I didn't have the strength to go through with it. I was completely addicted to him. Addicted to his texts, his smiles, the way he looked at me, his kiss... I’d never felt anything like this before. It was intense, it was heavy, and it made me feel totally out of control.

Still, I had to do something. That’s why I’d asked Ryan to lunch at the club on that sunny Saturday. It was the exact spot where I’d first seen him. He loved playing tennis and was always surrounded by friends, or "sycophants," to be more specific. He always loved attention and feeling like he was better than everyone else. Maybe that’s why my mother liked him so much.

Despite being good-looking and coming from a "good family," Ryan never really did it for me. Maybe because deep down, way deep down, I didn't actually like his personality? Whatever. It was always irrelevant anyway. From a young age, I was taught that the only requirement for a good partner was their last name. Nothing else mattered, not even if I actually loved him.

But it was fine. Ryan and I got along, so why not just keep making my mother happy? And that’s what I did. That’s what I’d been doing up until now, but I couldn't do it anymore. Because if I had to choose between the two of them, I’d choose Henry without a second thought. That was the truth.

Yes, even if it was based on a lie, even if he didn't know who I really was, even if it was destined to crash and burn, I’d still choose him. Because as ironic as it sounds, the charade I was living with Henry felt more real than anything I ever had with Ryan. My relationship with Ryan was like artificial flowers: they’re beautiful, they’re perfect, but they have no scent. You don’t feel a single thing. It’s all for show.

I already knew that. Deep down, I think I always knew. But after being with Henry, it felt like the truth was being rubbed in my face every single day. I don’t love Ryan, I never have, and he’ll never make me feel the way Henry does. Even if everything with Henry is just an illusion, it would still be worth it.

"Ryan.", I said, cutting off his never-ending monologue about the car. "I asked you here because I wanted to talk, remember?"

"Yeah, babe, what’s up?"

I took a deep breath.

"Look... I’m just going to get straight to the point. I want to break up.", I said. He just stared at me for a few seconds, looking totally confused.

"What?"

"I’m sorry, this just isn’t working anymore. I…"

"Wait a second.", he interrupted. "Are you serious?"

"Yes, I…", he laughed loudly, cutting me off again.

"Okay, where are the guys?", he looked around the patio. "Who put you up to this? Jacob? That’s exactly the kind of crap he’d pull.", he kept scanning the area, looking for his friends.

"Ryan!", I snapped, losing my patience. "No one told me to do this. This isn't a prank."

I was dead serious, and when he realized that, his expression shifted. It turned dark.

"Of course it is.", he said coldly. "Because there is zero chance you’re actually breaking up with me. So why don't you stop with this stupid joke so we can get back to our lunch?"

Hearing that actually pissed me off. What did he mean, zero chance? Did he really think he was that much of a catch? Sure, he bought me gifts and took me out, but he never did it for me.

He did it for appearances, to show everyone else what a great guy he was. Because if any of that had actually been for me, he would have bothered to ask me, just once, where I wanted to go or what I actually liked.

"It’s not a joke, Ryan.", I said firmly. "I’m actually breaking up with you. It’s over, okay?"

"Are you losing your mind or something?", his voice rose. "You’re just gonna dump me out of nowhere?"

"It’s just not working anymore."

"Does your mother know about this?"

"No, because this relationship is between you and me, not you, my mother, and me!"

"You can’t just end a four-year relationship out of the blue. We were going to get married! Is that what this is about? Because I haven't proposed yet?"

"Of course not!"

"Then what is it?", he pressed.

"Because I don’t love you!"

He stared at me, dumbstruck.

"My God.", I whispered, putting my hand to my face. "Carol was right.", I was mostly talking to myself at this point. "I never should have stayed in a loveless relationship.", I looked him in the eye. "I’m sorry, Ryan."

I stood up and started walking away, fast. But as soon as I cleared the restaurant exit, he grabbed my arm.

"Who is he?!", he demanded, his grip tightening.

"What?"

"Who’s the guy, Isadora?!"

"You’re hurting me!", I shoved at him, trying in vain to pry his hand off.

"Answer me!"

"There isn't anyone!", I yelled, drawing stares from people passing by. Realizing he was making a scene, Ryan let go and straightened his shirt.

"You want to break up? Fine.", he shrugged dismissively. "But I’ll tell you one thing.", he stepped closer to me, lowering his voice. "As soon as you regret this and your mother forces you to come crawling back, you’re going to have to beg me on your knees. Got it? And then, maybe, I’ll think about whether I want you back."

He gave me a cynical smirk and walked away.