Madness

Show Time, Maybe?

The morning air was warm and crisp against my face. The hustle and bustle of all the family working together before me warmed the blood coursing through my veins. I scan each face until I spot the one I truly sought out. Sicko assisting in setting up the shower tents, they where nothing fancy. The sun warmed large drums of water all day so we all could bathe after each show. PCP pipes funneled in each stall with a small opening was created. Each pipe simply attached to the top of each drum. The water was was forced up the pipes through a foot pumping system. Atleast it prevented overuse of water. We had to use all we had sparingly. Water pressure wasn't great, but it was alot better then having to run around with stale makeup on one's face. That was certain. There are four square stalls. sixteen spots.

I scout around one more time, seeing no one had started breakfast yet.

" I call breakfast duty!" I chirp, swiftly making my way to the food cart heaving on the heavy metal door it wheezing open with a choking sigh. I peek inside, pressing my palms against the dusty floor ready to hoist myself up into the trolly. I jump, my eyes widening, as I feel a firm grip on my hips. Strong fingers pressing gently into my flesh . I cast my wide eyes behind me to be greeted by a cheeky grin. Sickos smile flashed broadly on his full lips forcing his dimples to perk out like a chipmunks puffy cheeks. My eyes danced over the features of his sun warmed hazel nut flesh. It only causing that familiar heat to warm my face like hours before, in the cart....

My thoughts drift without permission. I get lost in those curious chocolate pools. I wondered what secrets lied behind them, what they may of seen. I could feel my heart leap madly at the very thought of what stories my ears would have the honor to hear, what words could possibly pass those sweet lips.

" I thought you could use a hand...with breakfast."

Sickos words break though my thoughts like a battering ram. I jerk my head forward, clearing my throat thoughtfully feeling him lift me into the cart with ease.

" That be great." I chime, unable to control the smile spreading across my eager lips.

" Can you make coffee for forty people?"

I ask in a casual tone, making my way to the fridge seeing what remains inside from my last allowed shopping trip. The old beast hummed loudly.

I lay out four large packs of bacon, three packs of a dozen sausage links, five cans of cinnamon buns, various containers of fruits.

Strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, peaches, apples, and plums. I could feel Sicks eyes following me about the cart as I make my way around the cabinets grabbing the pancake and waffle mixes, large bowls, baking powder, cinnamon, flour, and sugar.

"Are you normally in charge of the cooking..?" He asks, his normal rasp smoothed over, as he attempts to keep his tone casual. He wonders over glancing around the cabinets above the coffee pots on the counter.. I heave my finds over laying them down in a semi collected heap. I drop down slowly opening the cabinet by his legs, pulling out the coffee. I lock eyes with him as I rise, seeing the blush on his cheeks is so thick he looks as if he would faint at any moment.

" bottom cabinet..." I tease gently, turning to sort out the fruits beginning to stem and toss the berries into a large bowl to wash.

" I am yes, never really had anyone help me before though."

"That's a shame..." He whispers in a voice barely above a whisper popping open the coffee pots and heavily pouring the grounds inside. My eyes widen slightly at his method.

"I like mine strong." He chuckles out, must of felt my wondering eyes. I smile to myself Sick and I work in mostly silence knowing the growing hunger of our fellow carnies outside. Saying a few words here and there. he seemed to place his questions carefully, as if he was afraid he miss-speak, or overstep.

I didn't mind if he did. I love the sound of his voice, the way his eyes sparked when he looked at me. Like a cheeky little twinkle dance within them. He made my heart race like I never felt before.

Finally, he and I finished our buffet. mounds of pancakes, waffles, cinnamon buns, bacon, sausage, various muffins, fruit salad, cinnamon sugar donuts, and scrambled eggs lie before us.

"... Do...you think it will be enough...?"

He mumbles out softly.

"You never know with this crowd..."

I giggle gently, as I reach for the paper plates. Jared was to cheap to buy real plates, but all the same I was glad I didn't have to wash a thousand dishes before days end.

Laying out a dozen plates at a time and begin scooping and neatly placing a helping of every food option onto each plate.

Sicko swiftly begins assisting me with the plating until finally we get forty plates made up. I slide over quickly pouring coffee into little foam cups periodically glancing over at the

clock, each tic-toc of the hands forcing me to want to work faster. I peek over to Sick who was beginning to set the cups of orange Juice and small cartons of milk on a platter in neat rows of five. Bless him.

" Could you please allow everyone to know the food is ready, if you don't mind that is. "

He nods once, strutting over to the door way, a sharp hardy whistle interrupts the frantic movements beyond the door, causing instant silence to fall over them.

"Food!"

he says simply through a loud grumble, but that's all it took, and like ants, everyone begins to line up patiently waiting their turn to get a plate and a beverage. pic-nic tables and rubbish bins where in neat rows on the out skirts of the big top. In a pattern of table, bin...how we always done things.

I carry over the platter of coffee, sugars, and mini containers of creamer setting it on the edge of the door frame. Sick follows my lead hoisting two platters of plates up and very to out fellow carnies

We pass out a plate to everyone, kind smiles greeted us and soft ' Thankyous'

Everyone was seated and eating, consumed in elated chatter. It warmed my heart, for to see everyone together in this fashion is when it truly felt like a family.

Not trapped in a cart awaiting the moment that the sun light would touch our faces once again. Having to share one bathroom between ten per cart.

No.

This was beautiful, this felt like family at its finest.

I glance at all the smiling faces elated to hear each laugh gracing my ears, but as I scope the faces I realize I don't see Jaspers mug anywhere upmost them. He always refused to eat with us, thought he was to good for my cooking. I roll my eyes contemplating where he could possibly be running off to, he was never in sight at meal times now that I pondered on it.

Shaking my head I turn, and am greeted by Sicko, eagerly holding out a small foam cup of coffee in my direction, delicate ripples ring about the cup as he presses forward with nervous hands.

" Cup of coffee my sweet?"

There was a slight hitch in his throat as the last couple words passed his anxious lips.

...It made my heart leap. The shiver in his tone, the hint of worry in his eyes. In this moment he was like a wide eyed puppy offering up his favorite squeaky toy, so innocent.

I reach out, taking the coffee tenderly into my hands, the features in his expression seem to smooth over slightly, seeming relieved of my acception of his offer.

We sit together sipping on our coffee and nibbling on the last remaining plate of food between us from the breakfast rush in content silence. I listen the excitable mumbles from outside, glad the family is happily eating away, filling there bellies before the hustle has to begin again, and the illusion of peace shatters.

" Do you think he'll let you perform tonight?"

Sickos voice breaks through the barriers of my mind, his melodic tone carrying a hint of agrovation.

" I know I havnt been here long, but I have yet to see you do your performance, will I ever get the privilege to witness such a treat again?"

His tone seems to carry a higher confidence now then just moments before. How do you build yourself up so quickly Mr. smilez? My thoughts rattle about in my brain like a set of shaking meracus.

"I..I'm unsure..." I finally manage to force out, uncertain of what it was about his presence that made me feel both comforted yet so jumbled inside. Just a mere hours ago I felt his embrace in the train, how he would tighten his hold on my frame with such a protective ferocity yet we barely had time to utter a full sentence to one another. I mulled this over in my cranium knowing those first few weeks when he entered the circus he stayed low and out of sight most of the time. I just figured he was perhaps shy, or enjoyed his solitude, but the man I see, speaking to me now is gentle, intense making a effort to be social with me, it left me to wonder why...?

out of all the faces here, why be kind to me? There where many other faces, other clowns he could strike up a conversation with...but yet...he chose me.

Morning slowly shifted over to evening as the sun began to hide its beautiful blush behind the darkening tree line Jared began his pre-show ritual of barking orders and snapping thoughtlessly at all of us to hurry along with our costume prep. I stand before a small thin silver glass in the train cart patting swiftly the clown white hue about my face unsure why I was putting forth the effort these days...Jared hasn't let me perform in weeks it was maddening to say the least, despite everything, this circus with all its flaws... I did love the spot light, to hear the deep belly chuckles of the crowds just as well the distusted " ews" and dry heaves my act brought forth.

I glance over seeing Sicko finishing up his make up.

" Lost in thought?" He asked in a gentle tone slick on silk. I snap my head up to attention my lips parting briefly but no words manage to escape them for a moment.

"...I am...yes...." I finally mange to spit out with a sigh.

" I just wanna perform, to feel somthing..."

" To silence the doubts? " He cuts in sloshing his paint brushes in his cup of now white water before making his way over to me closing the short distance between us.

"Exactly." I whisper out crestfallen.

" You know, when I first saw you perform, back in Texas. I was capivated. I was obsessed how you moved, worked the audience like they where puppets on strings. You, you awed them...you terrified them, you where a image of perfection in my eyes. Graceful, cheerful, dark, and beautiful. I'm not sure what happened in the time from Texas to now, to why Jared hasn't let you perform...but he's a fool. "

I cast my eyes to Sickos and see his beautiful dark orbs already fixated on me. His face painted classic clown white, crimson red over his mouth curved upwards to a daunting over dramatic smile. his nose match the crimson of his lips. his eyes were painted black as night brushed down to a fine sharp point below his eyes, and in the mist of all the dismal expression there was a red smiley face painted slightly off set on his forehead, it made me ponder if it was symbolic to have happy thoughts....

He was a image of dark perfection. I could feel my cheeks warm beneath my makeup knowing they'd be a fine rosey hue, if not hidden beneath my paint.

Silence falls over us, my thoughts buzzing like angry hornets, so much I wanted to say, so much I wanted to scream, scream at Jared, my past, my demon, myself.

So much inside, so little time to express. The show bell rings and Jared gruff voice shatters the moment.

" Come on you freaks! let's get it going!"

Sickos eyes narrow as he peers out the door of the train cart, then sighs.

" Come on beautiful, it's Showtime."

He hops down from the cart, offering me his hand. I smile light heartedly as I place my hand in his jumping down and heading to the front of the bigtop by his side...

" Maybe." I mummble to myself.