Torches

Breaking Point

    I screamed, bloodcurdling screams in hopes Mrs. Jinks would hear me. Fight, I told myself. I need to fight. I twisted beneath him, struggling under his massive body weight and thrashing wildly. His large sweaty hands had tied ropes around my wrists up above my head and strapped my feet to the floor. His dark beady eyes bored into mine as he shoved a dirty, wet towel into my mouth causing me to gag. His mouth pulled into a lopsided grin as his pale face hovered above my own. My vision was blurred by tears as I whimpered in vain to be heard.

    "They won't hear you, Faith. I put a charm on the door. No one will be able to hear you scream."

    His hands traveled down my bare cramped arms, biting his lips in anticipation until he played with the strap of my black cami.

    "I mean... your sixteen. Practically an adult now. No harm now, right?" He murmured to himself. "But don't going telling the Mrs. You'll regret it if you do. Do you remember what happened to that kitten of yours when you almost told her five years ago? How did he taste?"

    A scream tore through my throat as I sat erect in my bed and fought the restraint around me. I snapped my head around wildly in alarm as I gasped through the fear. Slowly, realizing where I was and that I couldn't even remember what had frightened me, I realized the restraints were the blankets tangled around my legs and hips. It didn't ease my mind, even if waking up made me forget, I knew it was something awful.

    I sat still for a few minutes, panting as I wiped the cold sweat from my forehead with the back of my hand. I wiped my eyes, unaware until then that there were tears as well until I wiped away the hair splattered across my cheeks. My body shook involuntarily, sending me into sudden shudders until I wrapped the blanket around myself protectively. I didn't even know why I was crying that was the crazy part. It was maddening. I knew something happened, but I didn't have the memory to tell myself why I was afraid. It's times like these when I regret ever doing the spells in the first place.

    I wracked my fingers through my hair, tugging every so often to remind myself that I could still feel bodily. I can't keep doing this to myself. How many years have I had these nightmares and awoke without knowing why I feared them.

    "I'm scared." I whispered.

    There was no one to hear me. No one to watch me break on my own every night, over and over again like a broken record player.

    I shut my eyes, both hoping I would and wouldn't see what caused my madness. Would I be able to live with what I'd hidden from even myself? What had I seen or gone through to block off so many memories? My mind teetered on the edge of the massive void, willing myself away as I attempted to feel for the memory. The air suddenly felt cold around me as I tugged the blanket closer around me to suppress a shudder. I edged until the mass of darkness was a mess of colors and blurs that were hard to distinguish. I held my breath, willing myself to keep going and break the boundary.

    Then I heard it. Screams -shrieks of terror and pain. Pleas for help and begging for mercy. 

    I gave such a sharp tug on my own hair in horror, it yanked me away from the void and my eyes flashed open. I could hardly register what I'd just heard when I froze, a puff of air leaving my lips as the cold seeped through my bones and chilled my soul. Standing before me was a tall dark figure standing at the foot of my bed.

    "Shh, Faith. Don't want them to hear us, do you? You like it don't you?" The figure began to crawl onto the mattress, its figure quivering and flickering as I gasped and scrambled backwards. "Come on, Faith. I know you like it."

    Cold clammy hands grabbed my ankles and yanked them out from beneath me as a scream tore out of my throat.

    "Don't fight me, Faith." The voice hissed. "It will hurt worse if you fight."

    I grabbed onto my headboard and yanked myself out of its clammy hands. I shoved my hands away from me, palm out as warmth left my torso and flew out of my hands. Light filled the room so suddenly, warmth replacing the cold and showing nothing but an empty room. Even as the light began to fade, I stared in confused horror at the empty spot at the bottom of my bed. I quickly turned on the bedside lamp and pulled my legs up to my chest as I scanned the room. I knew it was gone, whatever it was. I had completely shunned the voids away now, rocking myself as I looked anxiously for whatever that was. I felt its hands. I heard its voice. It had to be real.

    It had to be...

    Renewed tears streamed down my cheeks. I was afraid to move. Afraid it would return. Afraid to pry any more into the void. I recoiled completely, pressing myself to the headboard in a vain attempt to hide myself like a child from whatever that was. I can't live like this anymore. I can't do this anymore.

    I waited until the sun began to arise and cast an orange stream of light through the crack in the drapes. I leaped from my bed, the sudden thought of the monster lashing out from beneath the bed before I could reach the drapes. I gave a hard tug. I didn't expect to be clunked on the head by the whole rod keeping the drape up. I yelped in surprise and hurriedly threw the drapes off and looked around wildly as the suns light spilled into the room and shown against the black walls.

    I had never dressed quicker into a pair of jeans and some random maroon T-shirt I pulled from the top of the pile. I was stumbling into my shoes and yanking on a black sweater as I reached the bedroom door. I tore through the house, yanking open the drapes and running from the shadows as quickly as I could. My heart in my throat the whole time as I ran through the living room, passed the carpet where the pentacle was hidden, and tore open the front door. A sudden rush of cool fresh air greeted me as I rushed down the porch steps and out onto the side walk. Somehow, out in the open street, I felt safer than I did inside.

    My heart yet in my throat and panting as I looked around panicked, I realized how the streets were empty except for a little old woman who stood down the street collecting the daily newspaper. She stood stunned, staring wide eyed at me as I held her gaze wildly. She stood quite still for a moment, then opened her mouth.

    "Faith Bevarton? Is that you, dear?"

    I stood frozen for a few moments. It had been so long since I had heard my own name, it felt odd to slowly nod my head mechanically.

    "Are you alright, dear? Come! Come! I'll make you some tea and I'm sure I've got something for you to munch on."

    She turned suddenly, shuffling and wobbling towards her little green house. I gave a cautious glance back at my own house. A sudden shudder ran down my spine as I stared at its towering black structure. I turn and raced to follow her, heart in my throat as if whatever it was were hot on my heels. I had just reached the first step of her white porch when she began to go push open the door shakily.

    "My, you've grown. Last time I saw you, dear, you were only knee high. I suppose the Jinks wanted to keep you away from the prying eyes, but I never thought after you entered adulthood you'd hide yourself away like this. You were always-"

    She had turned then to meet my gaze as I reached the last step. Her mouth fell open and her droopy eyes glossed as her lower lip trembled.

    "You look awful." She whispered and outstretched a hand to me. "Are you alright? Do you need the Witch Doctor?"

    I shook my head, unable to find my voice. She stared at me skeptically before letting out a long sigh.

    "Come, dear. I'll fix you right up."

    She turned and waddled into the house, letting the door wide open for me. I hesitated, looking around the quiet neighborhood before hurriedly rushing into the house before any prying eyes could catch me. I had just closed the door after me when I met my own gaze. A small vanity stood at the end of the hall, withered and old, its glass a bit fuzzy, I was surprised of how wild I looked. My black raven curls frothed out wildly in all directions like a mane and my green eyes were wide and glossy, almost feverish. My face was flushed of all color, giving myself an unearthly appeal with my hair looking so wild. My face was small and my clothes were almost baggy on me from having sporadic eating habits that left my not hungry most often. I looked like a child again, a wild and feral child frantic as my own eyes shifted restlessly around myself in fear of seeing the figure again.

    "Child?" Her fearful voice brought me back as I slowly turned to see her standing a hair taller than me.

    Her face was pruned a bit, folds and wrinkles drooping over her eyes and making a permanent frown on her lips. Her warm hazel eyes gazed down into my face as she slowly leaned closer to my face.

    "What have you done to yourself, child? I only ever saw one person like this. And that was-"

    Her words caught in her throat as I turned to her fully and stared in horror knowing what she just thought. I knew she was going to say my grandmother. She stared for what felt like an hour, then slowly offered her hand to me.

    "Tea I think, yes?"

    I stared at her hand in confusion. I took her offered hand, feeling her cool flesh and the slightly bony structure of her brittle body. Without saying another word she led me through another hall and into a quaint little kitchen. She waved me to take a seat as she rushed towards the stove and flickered her fingers. Immediately the burner turned on as her other hand summoned a kettle towards the sink to be filled with water. It had been so long since I'd seen pure magic, I stood numbly at the beauty as she flicked her wrist to shut off the water and sent the kettle sailing towards the burner already beginning to turn red.

    "Sit, dear." She waved me towards a seat.

    I watched it slide out, then took my seat as commanded and looked up at her as she began commanding teacups from the cupboard and teabags and spoons from drawers. I couldn't help the smile that twitched my lips as she made the sugar jar almost dance towards the table in front of me. It felt homey, complete.

    "You used to love when I did this for you." She grinned at me, her droopy eyes yet glossy with pity.

    I stared at her confused. I had? I tried to recall this, but was only met with another void. I quickly shoved it away and averted my eyes in hopes she didn't see the sudden fear that pricked within me. Why had I blocked a memory like this? This magic is pure and beautiful, nothing like what I've dabbled with for the last five years since I'd lived on my own.

    "You do remember, don't you?" She whispered hoarsely.

    I couldn't reply. I didn't even know her name, let alone could I pull at the memory in fear of the figure returning.

    "Do you even remember me?" I heard the hurt in her voice.

    I turned back to her just in time to see her hurriedly wipe a stray tear from her eye. She sniffled and half attempted to hide it as a cough.

    "I'm Nancy Hodkin. You knew me as one of the Coven Members." She twirled her finger just as the kettle gave a small hiss and the kettle tipped gently and poured itself into two cups. "I've retired since then. But I had watched you after... well, I mean I watched you until the Jinks were given custody of you until age sixteen."

    I knew she was going to say "after the incident", but she quickly turned it around to a couple I hardly knew. She fell silent as the teacups gently clattered onto the table with little saucers darting beneath them before they touched the doilies on the table. I watched the steam arise out of the one set before me as she took a seat across from me.

    "Why did you do it, dear?" She whispered at length. Her voice had a quiver in it as she tentatively lifted the cup to her lips with shaky hands. "Why erase everything from one incident? I'm sure you don't even know what I'm talking about, do you? Of course you-"

    "I remember." My voice was a mere rasp. I had to clear my voice to remember. "I remember my grandmother and my mother, Ms. Hodkins."

    "Oh!" The shock was evident in her voice. "Then what did you-"

    "I don't know."

    "How often did you-"

    "Five years."

    She fell silent, stunned as her cup hovered in front of her mouth. I took this silence and clumsily clasped the teacup in both hands like a mug and took a sip of the hot liquid. It burned my tongue and throat at first, then felt refreshing as I took another hasty gulp.

    "I don't know what to say, dear." She whispered at last. "I had my suspicions when you shut yourself up. But I never thought in my wildest dreams it wasn't even about the incident."

    I didn't add anything onto this, instead I took another gulp of my tea and hardly tasted it.

    "How many times have you done the spell?"

    "I don't know." I whispered honestly. "Enough that I'm scared."

    It felt odd to admit this to someone I couldn't remember. Even though she was a void in my memory, I felt relief and comfort sitting there with her. Even if she knew my secret and told the rest of the Coven, at last I didn't feel so alone.

    "I know someone who can break the spells you've cast."

    That wasn't what I expected. I looked up in alarm, remembering all too clearly why I didn't have a family anymore. She put a finger up to silence my when I opened my mouth.

    "He's done it before. You have to remember, it's been ten years since the incident. New remedies and spell-breakers have been invented in your absence. I believe," she began quietly, cautiously, "if your mother wasn't so persistent to fix your grandmother so quickly. Maybe... just maybe, we could have at least saved your mother. Your grandmother was old, she could have not survived what I am suggesting. But surely, with how young you are, it could do you good."

    She let me sit in silence, gingerly sipping her tea and eyeing me threw the steam arising from her cup. I didn't know what to say to her. Did I want my memories unlocked? There had to be a reason I had locked them up so snug. Yet, all this torture I was putting myself through just to hide them was wearing me down.

    "Who is this 'someone'?" I breathed.

    She looked relieved as she eagerly leaned over the table and grasped my wrist with a watery smile I couldn't return.

    "His name is Anderson." She took another sip. "Charlie Anderson. He lives in the country, on the outskirts of the town. I've seen him break the spell at least twice. Those same people are still alive to this day, though, they now have to manage the trauma they had attempted to get rid of in the first place. It's healthier to seek help than to do a dangerous spell like this."

    I contemplated for a moment, stealing another sip of my tea to prolong the silence. I was scared. Scared of what I'd be unlocking to myself. I wanted to know, but I was terrified to be brought back with the demons I had wanted to push away. I have been running so long from my memories, it scares me to embrace them after so many years of darkness.

    She let me roll the idea and name through my head without pressuring me. I was imagining a warty old wizard, wise with age, doing some beautiful magic that would scare away the void and sew my memories back together. Suddenly, memories from last night sent a cold chill up my spine as I shoved the void again once more.

    "Okay, when do we leave?"