SURVIVAL JOURNEY

¶Melange¶

¶Aiyla's PoV¶

"When you're broken you need to

be reborn. Do not fight the

Pain; embrace it. Accept it. Live it.

Don't rush the process, you need to swim in the deep end for a while to build your muscles.

Learn. Keep swimming.

You will be stronger for it."

- Caitlin Cooper

********

The line from this quote "when you're broken you need to be reborn" resembles me so much. I was broken to the extent that I was not even seeing the positive light in my life. I did not know how to save myself from the damage that was done to me; I could not even see the shore to survive or land; I was too in the depth of the water to be saved. The only person that could keep myself from going insane was me. Me. I was the only one now who could rescue myself from the detriment I was going to foist upon myself.

Throughout my life, while growing up, I only heard people saying "I'm suffering so much or I'm in pain", but I only understood their torment when I was thrown into that agony.

You might have seen or heard so many people struggling, fighting and suffering in life, but have you ever been through it? Have you ever felt the same torture in your life? If yes, then you can imagine it yourself and, if not, then now you know through my story; the aches and afflictions I went through that also made me question myself and my life; the life which was yet to start; which was also already tainted.

I was breaking down slowly; I was starting to get smother; I just did not know how to abide anymore; I was sinking and sinking and I did not know who to turn to or rely on or ask for help, because I already knew my family. There was only my grandfather, but he was also getting older day by day, so he alone was not enough to protect me.

Days and months went by and I was gradually stepping into my teenage life, but the physical exploitation never stopped, it only inflamed me and all these times I was made to keep my silence. I stayed silent because I knew no one would believe me.

Little by little, I was getting tired of life; tired of this bullshit of life though I went to school; concentrated on my studies and enjoyed, with my friends. Yes! I used to go out with my friends for cycling, swimming or for outings but..but I always dreaded going back to that hell home. Somehow, I was laughing and smiling, showing the people and the world that I was happy and alive, but from inside I was dying; I was losing the reason to live. One of my friends knew how I was being treated, but what could she do? She knew she couldn't help me and thus I only got sympathy in return.

You know I read in books about how children should be given a happy and joyful environment for their gradual and stable growth and how they should be bought up by their family with love, care and support, but for me it was all a joke.

I used to be so maimed when I used to see my friends with their family living a comfortable life filled with so much love and care and, as for me, though I was jovial from outside, from inside I was rotting and miserable.

At some point, I did think that now I had stepped into my teenage life, all this would stop, but it was only my delusion.

I was supposed to live a happy and normal life; I was supposed to be lively, but my childhood was tarnished and now my teenage life was also being stigmatized. My life became a nightmare for me and I only knew one way out of it, which was going to be an atrocious decision of my life.

I have only heard of people taking this sort of drastic step, but what I did not know in my life was that I would be going down the same path as well, but I was also left with no other option.

No, I'm not saying or giving a way or encouraging people to take this destructive path; a path where you decide to end your life; a way to get rid of your throes. In fact, it's the most horrendous act you will be inflicting upon yourself; an act which is also considered as a crime in God's eye and I guess you have already guessed what my decision was.

I agree the path I was taking was wrong; yes! You are right about a suicidal path; it was not a way to end everything, but I was already buried 6 feet under, so what more, there was left to loose and no, I was not supposed to give up but I did; I gave up; I gave up hope of living a happy and carefree normal life again; I gave up to the point of not returning to myself again.

The first time I attempted to kill myself was by taking a bunch of mixed expired medications which took me into the depths of sleepiness; my breath being short; my body being numb; I was losing consciousness and I was buoyant that I was finally getting rid of all my angst. I was being taken into the darkness but only to survive; yes! I survived because, after hours of murk, my stomach started hurting and I started gagging, resulting in a fit of continuous vomiting which remained for the whole 2 days, and the funny thing is my family thought I had f*****g food poisoning. Oh! What a pun it was.

The second I tried slitting my wrist, but I did not die, I was just unconscious from losing some blood and I was as alive as ever; the only thing that remained was the scar that still reminds me of my ruinous life. Funny, right! I was so stupid I can't believe I tried taking these catastrophic steps.

But did I give up this thought and route of marring; the answer is no to this! You see I'm a very stubborn goat and I want to take my life. What if I did not succeed in the first or second? There were thirds, fourths and so on.

It's facetious, you know, when you're so desperate and sapped, even death fools you haha! Wow my life, it was just a spoof.

There is a saying "when death is not lurking around you, no matter how much you try you won't succeed and when it's knocking on your door you just die, you don't even have to seek it".

Well, I reckon that it was not my time to leave this earth so deftly, so what other option had I left except to live with the fact that this is how my life is going to be.

But there was also a voice inside me saying not to give up and fight for myself.

So I kept on pondering and contemplating about my next step; the only other option that came to my mind was to fight for myself and with this Dunkirk spirit I decided to swedge!