Flat 64

Chapter 14

"Tell me what you were going to say, Charlotte. Even if you what..." He whispers at me gruffly. He is staring at me so intensely that I almost give in and tell him what I've been trying so hard to ignore. Instead, I settled for something else, which I knew I needed to tell him at some point anyway. "I didn't sleep with him," I say quietly. When he drops his hands and his frown deepens, I elaborate further. "I mean, the guy from earlier. I know it looked bad, but when I got home last night he messaged asking for help at work because they were short-staffed. He could tell that I was a bit upset and when I told him that I was on the outs with a flatmate and was worried about coming home, he offered his spare room to me. I know I shouldn't have gone, but if I'm honest, I was really grateful to just be out of the house and away from everything for once. And the whole clothes thing, well I didn't have anything with me because I obviously wasn't planning on staying out somewhere, so he gave me something to sleep in, and I was so exhausted as we didn't leave work until like 5 in the morning, so I basically slept through the whole day which is why I got home so late." I'm speaking so fast that my words are jumbling together, but I don't stop. "I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm telling you this, but I just thought that-" My words are cut off by his lips pressing against mine. The shock takes my breath away, but I don't care. His lips are soft and delicate against mine, tentatively I return the kiss. This is different from the other times we have kissed. It's not full of passion and lust. It feels... gentle and loving almost, which sweeps me into a daze as I instantly forget what I was saying. He tucks some hair behind my ear, before holding my face in his hand once again. I let myself melt into him, my hands wrapping around his neck pulling him closer to me. After a few moments, he pulls away from me slightly, leaning his forehead against mine. We are both breathing heavily, but we don't pull apart from each other. Butterflies have made their home constant in my belly and I feel as if my mind is quiet for the first time in a while. It's refreshing.

"I'm sorry," Jackson says quietly. I move away a little to look up at him. "For what?" I reply, my voice is breathless. "For last night, for today... for everything." He pulls me to sit on the bed next to him, but I quickly notice how much my towel is slipping. With how intense this conversation has been, I fully forgot I wasn't wearing any clothes. "Um, just give me one second," I say, while taking the first pajamas I see from my drawer and rushing off to the bathroom. Once I've changed into them, I give myself a quick once over in the mirror before raking my brush through my hair to make myself look more presentable. After a couple of minutes, I force myself to leave the safety of my bathroom and go back to have this conversation with him. I walk back in to see he hasn't moved one inch. He pats the spot next to him and I automatically go to sit there. "Okay, sorry I'm ready to talk now." I say to him. He nods in understanding, then he takes a deep breath. "Look, Charlotte. Just let me talk, please wait till I'm finished. Okay?" I frown slightly, confused but I nod to him to go ahead anyway. "Yesterday when I brought up how I heard what Drew was saying about me. He was right with how I've treated girls in the past, we both know that. But what I was trying to get at was how I... How I-" He releases a huff, and then continues speaking hesitantly. "The point I wanted to make was that I could never treat you that way." I can't help myself from jumping in, "Because I'm Drew's sister?" I ask quickly. Confident that's what he's getting at, that he wouldn't want to hurt me simply because I'm his friend's sister. "No, just...let me finish." He says pointedly, causing me to look away knowing I did exactly what he asked me not to do.

"I know we haven't always got on in the past but you... you mean a lot to me. Not just because you're Drew's sister, but because you're... you." My eyes widen at his words, and I can see on his face how sincere he is being with me and I couldn't even interrupt him if I wanted to, I am speechless. "Baby I can't stop thinking about you. I know you asked to stop whatever it is that was happening" He says while gesturing between us. "And if that's really what you want then I'll respect it but I-" As if I remember how to talk, I'm jumping in to stop him once again. "You think about me?" I say softly.

"Are you kidding? I think about you non-stop and it's been driving me crazy. The way you were avoiding me these past few weeks after what happened didn't help. I was dying to talk to you about it. When you sat next to me in the restaurant, I couldn't waste the opportunity to be close to you. I can't help it. When I'm around you, it's like, like I can't think straight." he shakes his head, before carrying on. "I'm sorry about how last night ended, but when you assumed I only wanted to use you for a 'quick lay', it just...It was so so wrong and I guess I got offended that you even thought I would do that to you. I'm so sorry with how I reacted. I'm so sorry for leaving you there alone. I was so worried when you weren't home when we got back. I came here to see if you were awake, to apologize, when you weren't here I... I freaked out and told Drew how I left you alone and that you weren't back yet. The flat went to s**t and I can't forgive myself thinking about what could have happened to you." He pauses looking away from me again. Without thinking, I take his hand in mine, gently moving my thumb against the back of his hand. His breath hitches, and he looks down at our hands together, before he starts to speak again. "I had my whole speech planned, about how sorry I was and that I didn't want to fight with you, but then you walked in wearing some guy's clothes with him holding yours and I just... Well, that plan went out the window as quickly as it came in. I'm sorry for assuming you slept with him, and even if you did, it would have been none of my business and I had no right to judge you on it. I didn't mean what I said, Lottie, you are nothing like me. You are so, so much better than anything I could be. You're kind and smart, and you just have this energy that makes everyone feel calm and happy. Being around you, it's like a drug. I know you said that you wanted to stop what was happening between us, and I'll respect it if that's what you want, but I have to be honest. I don't think I can go back to how we were before, the whole not talking and just really having Drew as a middle man thing. If anything just, let me at least be a friend to you. Now I know what it's like to be so close to you... I don't want to just forget this happened." he finishes off softly, barely beyond a whisper. The intensity of his words has me almost breathless, my emotions all over the place. When I don't say anything, he looks at me, pursing his lips together, and I see immediately that regret begins to roll off of him in waves for saying so much to me.

"I'm sorry." I say, squeezing his hand. His eyes dim slightly, and he nods curtly before moving to stand up. Instantly, I'm confused at his reaction, but then I realized the timing of my apology must seem like I was rejecting him after what he just confessed to me, so I quickly correct myself. "I mean I'm sorry too. About last night? I shouldn't have flipped out on you over an assumption I made. And I was rude too. I didn't mean to be. I was just hurt and I know that isn't an excuse for it but... Jackson." He's sitting back down now, listening to me talk, but I'm stumbling over my words and I'm not sure if it's making any sense. I was not prepared to have this conversation with him tonight, or ever! I was so convinced that last night ruined any chance of us, even though I asked to stop anyway because of Drew. The reminder of my brother brings waves through me as if I am drowning in guilt, I don't even realize I am crying until I feel Jackson wiping them off of my cheeks. The tears are flowing freely, and it's as if all my restraints have disappeared.

"I know I said we needed to stop, and that it couldn't happen again. But that didn't mean that it's what I wanted... I mean, all I can think about is you and how much I want to be around you. But the more I think about you, the guiltier I feel. Drew has done so much for me and I have the audacity to do the one thing he asks me not to do. It's why I was avoiding you. I thought that if we never spoke about it then we could just forget it even happened and eventually, I would be okay with it. But I'm not. I'm not okay with it." I stop, looking up at him, only to see that he is staring at me with such an intensity that it only spurs me on to continue. "I'm not okay with it because I-" Taking a deep breath, I decide if I really want to say it. To tell him how he occupies my every thought. To tell him how these past 2 weeks of ignoring him has been torture, and I wanted nothing more but to jump into his arms again.

I feel shaky with how nervous I am to admit this to him, but when I look into his eyes, I realise I have no reason to be.

"I'm not okay with it because I... I want you Jack."