The Moon's Choice

The Full Moon

I've been hearing around the camp that tonight will be a full moon. I've been dreading this day, for some reason. I know a bit about werewolves now, so I know tonight is a sacred night for those who still believe. A lot of people, like Xathan, believe the Moon deserted their kind ages ago. Some, however, still believe fiercely in Her power. I know Jada makes monthly sacrifices and so do her children. Bailey's parents are non-believers, so she's a non-believer, too. But my and Kilian's story fascinates her. She never heard anything quite like it. Kilian, well, he didn't believe before. But after he saw my face on the Moon, he believed again.

As for me, I can't deny that something within me feels different, and I don't know how to explain it. I'm not sure I'm that into the tradition yet, but I'll have to get used to it. Especially now that I'm with Kilian and I've admitted that there's no returning to my old life. I just have him now.

"You'll shift tonight," Kilian tells me as soon as we wake up. I sit up in bed and process what he's said. Shift. It means I'll become a creature, or a wolf. I feel this panic deep in my bones. I haven't forgotten those days I spent in that forsaken cabin after he bit me. It's the kind of pain that's felt years after even. What if it hurts like that? I'm not emotionally capable of handling that again. The pain will literally drive me insane.

My shoulders sag and my heart pounds against my ribcage. "I don't want to. I'm afraid."

"You have no choice, Ryn. It will happen with or without your consent. If you fight, it will hurt twice as much."

This scares me even more. "So it'll hurt," my voice cracks.

"I've heard the first time always does for those who aren't native wolves." He holds my hand. "I'll be with you every step of the way, Ryn. You don't have to be afraid. Just let go."

I pace around the cabin after he leaves and when Ty wakes, he watches me with his beady eyes. It's making me feel uneasy and I don't want him to see me in this deplorable state. I'm in no condition to take care of everyone right now, and I know how bratty that sounds, but it's the truth.

"Ty, go to Claire. You need your breakfast," I tell him. He does as he's told and goes to Claire's cabin after washing his face as I taught him to. These past few weeks, I've gotten to know him a little better. He's shy and he doesn't say much, but he's obedient and always willing to lend a helping hand. He's always around Kilian, always following him around and carrying things for him. I guess everyone's like that with him. He exudes this aura that attracts people to him like bees to honey.

Ty doesn't play with the other children, but he does sit next to Jada's daughter Jane during Feasts. And they play occasionally around the camp. We send him to Feasts when we want some time alone together. It's impossible when he's around. Kilian doesn't mind, but I do. Sending him out is the right thing to do. It's the only way.

Most days now I only stay inside. Kilian doesn't want me to do any work and it's both a blessing and a curse. I don't have to clean after anyone anymore, but also I don't ever go outside. Bailey comes to see me sometimes, and her visits are always entertaining, but she never stays long. Xathan doesn't let her. She rarely even sees her parents, and I think it's unfair. Xathan is a selfish bastard, but she doesn't complain. She's always smiling. I think it's safe to say she's my closest friend here.

Time is flying today, and I catch myself biting my nails. If I could will it to stop, I would. I don't know where Kilian is and Ty still isn't back. He's probably playing around with Jane again. It's probably better that way. I'm too jumpy and in a terrible mood, and I don't want to scare him. Still, it would be great to have someone I trust next to me, reassuring me. I peer outside the door. I don't see either of them. I start pacing again.

I feel feverish and I'm sweating profusely. I don't know if it's my anxiety or something else entirely different. I feel faint and dizzy and my back is killing me. So are my joints. I want to tell Kilian these things, but he hasn't been back since morning. What's taking him so long?

Ty shows up covered in mud and I contemplate bathing him, but my hands won't stop trembling and I feel like I'll fall at any second. It'll have to wait. "Have you seen Kilian?" I manage to ask him.

He shakes his head.

"Please, try to find him. Tell him to come here. I need him." I beg, and he runs out the door.

The sun is starting to set and my heartbeat is accelerating. I peel off my shirt and my shorts and I lie down naked on the bed. I'm soaked to the bone and the air is starting to cool. My breaths are shorter and shorter. I don't remember ever feeling like this. I turn to my side and I close my eyes. It's like the bed is swaying and I grip the sheets to steady myself. I open my eyes and my vision is blurry.

My symptoms worsen with the setting sun. The night is nearing and I'm terrified. Is this what the process of shifting feels like? I feel sick. Something wet trickles down my nose. I wipe my hand over it and it's blood. I groan and try to sit up. The world is spinning faster and faster and when I try to stand, I fall to the ground. The door is open, but there are two of them now. Something hard lands on my back and I growl. The sound is guttural and animalistic and it stuns me. I'm on my knees and it's like my back splits in two. The pain is so agonizing I can't even scream. No sound leaves my lips as my joints c***k and join back together. The sound of snapping bones makes me gnash my teeth.

Once I manage to scream, it's a howl and I'm running out the door. Everything looks and feels different. I'm speeding past the encampment and I'm heading to the woods and I don't know why. It's calling me. I look at the sky and the moon is round and seems to be laughing at me. The pain starts residing and I calm down, but then the frenzy starts. I'm hungry. I'm so, so hungry. I've never known hunger like this. It hurts and I'm sniffing the air for something to eat.

I smell something, though I don't know what it is and I head in that direction. Branches cut into my side, but I don't feel anything. My thoughts are loud and for a split second, I forget who I am entire. There's no me, no Kilian, no anyone. All I can focus on is that delicious smell, and when I stop in front of it I devour it without even looking at it. I'm chewing the bones and licking up the blood. It's all so divine. I feel the presence of another being beside me and I whirl around. I growl and snap my teeth at it. It's a large black wolf, and I should be afraid of it because it's much bigger than me, but I'm not afraid. Its eyes are an iridescent green and for a moment, I stop. Those eyes. I know those eyes. I see his face clear as day. He's kissing me and holding me. Kilian.

Suddenly, I remember who I am and the hunger inside of me diminishes. The black wolf, Kilian, my Kilian, walks to me and licks my face. But it feels different. I don't feel his wet tongue on my skin, but I know it's there. I look down and I don't see feet, I see paws covered in white, snowy fur. A yelp escapes me as I look at myself. I'm no longer human. I'm a wolf. Again, Kilian licks my face and I burrow my face— my muzzle—against his black silky fur. He calms me without saying a word and this is all so new to me. I turn back around and I finish my meal. It's a deer, I can see that now, but I don't feel nauseous at the sight of its dead eyes and pooling blood. I tear the flesh apart with my teeth and gulp it all down. Kilian is standing reassuringly behind me and I'm no longer afraid. It's me, but a different me.

I lick my muzzle when I'm done and I turn to him. He's looking at me with the same serenity, and I'm surprised at how normal this all feels. Like I've always been this way. It's still Lauryn, not someone else like I expected. The pain is completely gone and I move to him. He starts running and I run after him through the woods. This part of me is more natural, like being a child again. Innocent, free, playful.

When he stops I do, too. He sniffs my muzzle and I lick his fur. Then, he comes up behind me, and instinctively, I already know what to expect. He mounts me under the moonlight, and his howl fills the air.

We wake up naked and snuggled close to each other in the morning. Dry leaves and twigs are cutting into my side, but I don't move. His body is warm and reassuring, just as it was last night.

"I almost forgot who I was last night," I say to him. "I couldn't recall who I was." It was the strangest feeling ever, like amnesia.

"It happens," he explains. "Which is why I was there."

I shudder. "I can't believe I killed that deer."

"You didn't kill it, I did. I knew you would want to hunt, so I killed it earlier and left it there for you to find. You would get lost if you had to hunt by yourself."

"Is that why you were gone all day?"

He smiles and I already know the answer. I kiss him with gratitude. I thought he had abandoned me, but he was just looking out for me. As always.

"Will I shift at every full moon?"

"You'll shift whenever you want to from now on. But in your first years, you will shift whenever the Moon is full. Until you learn to control it you'll be at Her mercy, but it takes time."

"And will I forget who I am every time?"

He wraps his arms around me. "I'll be right by your side, Ryn. You'll always find your way back to me."

"You didn't answer my question," I point out.

He shifts uncomfortably. "I don't know. Perhaps not. I'm not sure what happens to human who shift. It's different for everyone. You might have other side effects no one is aware of."

I sigh. "So amnesia is just the tip of the iceberg?"

He shrugs. "Don't worry about it. As long as I'm there, you'll never have to concern yourself with anything. Put your trust in me."

"I trust you with my life," I say and mean it deep in my bones. "I didn't think I'd feel this way. I can't even blame that b***h Sarah for loving you. I mean, who wouldn't love you?"

He runs his fingers through my hair. "Let's not mention her, alright?"

We kiss and he carries me back to our cabin. The walk is surprisingly short. I didn't think we were so close to it. We pass naked through the camp, and no one looks at us twice.