Shattered Albeit Winsome

#53

I have hidden a lot of things. But what should I have done at that moment? Nothing was in my hand. The friend who was more than anything for me, left me shattered. The person I used to love the thought of him to be my bestie all my days, I love him now too. He does not care for me. He left me. He just left me shattered.

He did not even think about me once. At least he would have thought about me once. But he never thought. I do not even know why did he leave me. I love him till now. And will love him till my last breath.

What added more to my problem and difficulties was the step taken by my mother. She made the situations like that. I was compelled to marry Shlok. I never wanted to marry him. He was my bestie. Nothing more than that. All my days I thought of him to be my bestie but later he turned out to be my husband. How can I accept that? I just cannot accept that. I still want to be friends with him, but I cannot be.

Things cannot change. Everything is ruined. I want to settle things but it cannot be.

If I talk about my married life, how will I settle things? Nothing is there to be done. What should I do? Nothing. How will I tell mum the boy whom you love so much is not your grandson. He is someone else’s son. He is not your son’s son.

How will I tell her that, I do not have any love type of relationship with her son? I cannot hurt her. She will be broken. Being broken is better than breaking someone. I cannot do this to her. What will I say about my mother to them? How will I tell the factuality? I will not be able to tell the factuality to her. What should I do?

Mum is very nice, she will not be able to take this. I just cannot imagine hurting her like this. Yes! Just for my sake, I cannot do this. But how far I will take the burden of this lie?

Love is when you fall for anyone without thinking twice. I love Arnav but I do not know why I love him. I am very much clueless about why do I love him. But loving him to eternity is like the world to me. It is not a choice.

Which my mother needs to understand. Why does she not get that, just marrying someone does not mean that I will fall for him. No, I cannot. It has been five years, but still, I have not got any feeling for Arnav. Never will I develop that feeling for him. How can I just develop that feeling for him now? I cannot.

I considered him as my bestie, even now I consider him. But what to do, he wants something else from. I cannot give him that.

Everybody in this world feels shattered at one point or another in their lives. Yes, even those people that always seem so perfectly motivated, strong, and positively minded have their moments of pure and utter frustration. When they cannot do anything.

So, while I don’t necessarily do anything to this, I will hide everything. I think it’s OK to hide everything.

Walk away from there.

It’s

no like

you’re

giving up on them,

and

it’s not like

you

shouldn’t try again for it.

It’s

just that you

have

drawn the major line

of

determination

from

desperation.

What

is truly yours

will

eventually , be yours, dear,

and

what is not, no matter what it will not be yours

no

matter how hard you try,

will

never be yours.

No

matter what the situations are I still love you Arnav.

Until when will I hide everything?

Things need to be clear enough.

I need to talk to Arnav. But how will I talk to him?

I need to get his number.

How will I get that number?

How?

I do not know, how to get that?

I wish I could. But, I could not do anything.

But at least now I can

First I shall tell you about everything to him. Everything which I did.

Why and all.

And after,that I shall tell him the factuality.

That is it.

After that, I shall see what happens next.

Then only things will be clear enough.

But how will I tell him?

What will be his reaction?

Will he consider my words?

Will he trust me?

Or he will think that I am wrong?

Who knows, he may/

The person who did so much to me, and after that also he has no apology.

He does not even talk to me. How will he trust me?

What will he say?

He will straight away say that I am fooling around.

What if he says that it is not factual. He is not our son.

He can do anything. After so many things he did not dare to admit he's wrong. Then how will he now?

People say a love marriage is better than an arranged marriage. But how can I deal with this? I did love and had arranged marriage. Now, what will I say? It seems like one is suicide and the other one is like murder. I so wish I had never done both of them.

Even after being so educated, I could not apply my sense. Why did I not? I so wish I could have been that sensible. But no, I was not at all.

My parents tell me to love. They married me to Aidwik saying I will learn to love him. I do not know how will I? it was my fault that I agreed to this. Why did I agree?

It was my life; I should have taken my decision. But I followed my parents blindly.

They told me to enter this marriage. They said love will gradually grow. And I married Shlok. How foolish I was.

To be honest, I was not at all in my senses. I was unable to decide what is right and what is wrong.

So, I accepted what happened to me.

After knowing that I am pregnant, I was so speechless. I did not know what to do, how to do it?

So I just went like a flow of water.

I entered into a marriage to sustain it forever.

Arrange marriage is so funny, how do people marry strangers. In my case, I knew Shlok. But never did I look at him from that point.

Never I thought him to be mine.

Why did Shlok not get this?

All these years, I had never given him, what is there in marital life.

How can I just sleep with a person whom I do not love?

Forced marriage can never grow. In the end, eventually, it will collapse. No matter how much you make efforts things will shatter. If the base is only not strong how can the building stand.

No matter how much effort you put in.

It is useless.

I was just forced to marry Shlok. All my dreams were gone. I had to sacrifice them. In a day everything came to an end.

My desires, my dreams everything came to an end.

On the day of my marriage, I was advised to sacrifice. And do whatever they were saying. And I did everything without even thinking twice. How mad, I could be?

Being my parents, they did not have any right to ruin my life. I was already shocked. I was unable to believe what was happening. How could I take my stand?

But as parents, they should have understood me. But they did not even care about me. Wow!

Everyone just neglected me. Shlok, how did you feel, I love you. When did I say that? Have I ever said that? No!

But how?

How could you do this to me?

I never disappointed my family. I know I had done wrong. I took that step. But everyone does one thing wrong in his or her life. No one is perfect.

So am i.

Nothing was in my mind. What could I have done? Never did I feel like Arnav was like that. He never made me feel like that. I also never felt like doubting him. I was not at all blindly trusting him. He was in love with me. I could sense that.

Either he is a good actor or I am insane. Because to be honest never did I feel that he was cheating me.

He gave me a big blow. Which was very difficult to digest for me? That is why I was not at all in my sense.

Marriage is not food, so my parents forced me to marry him.

It was like food which I do not like, they forced me to have it.

Marriage is lifelong work. How can a single day decide everything?

In a day everything, every feeling changed.

Are you kidding me, no one thought about me.

I was in love. I got cheated. But everyone was behaving like that I cheated people. I did not cheat anyone. I was cheated. When I needed my parents the most and my friend, they were not there. They left me shattered like anything.

It was the time when my parents did not listen to me. They did not hear me out. It was the first time. Even after that they never heard me. They did not even support me. At least after that, they could have supported me. They knew that the child whom I have given birth is not at all Shlok’s child. Even after that they never told me to say anything about the factuality.

The base of our marriage was always fake. How will this marriage bear fruit, for a lifetime? It will never