Commitment

Chapter 5

Chapter 5.

I have been confined for days already, the doctor said I need more days to heal bago raw siya mag-decide na pauwiin na ako. Bukod sa mga injuries ko sa katawan, I have an on-going psychological counseling, araw-araw, isang oras akong nakikipag-usap sa psychologist ko.

Akala ko noon, kapag sumanguni ka sa kanila ay nababaliw ka na. Ngayon ko na-realized ang gaan sa pakiramdam na nasasabi mo sa kanila lahat, ng hindi ka huhusgahan o ano.

It took me numbers of session bago ko tuluyan nai-open sa kaniya lahat. Naging kumportable muna ako sa kaniya bago ako nag-open. She's just listening, and I know 'iyon ang kaylangan ko.

Hinalungkat niya ang pagkatao ko, mula mga karanasan ko noon pa, sinabi ko. Every session has a recording, required daw iyon. Okay lang naman? as long as maganda ako sa tape na 'yon.

Hindi pumalya si Seven sa pag dalaw. Feeling ko, sa akin nabuntong ang boredom niya buong buhay niya. Ako 'yung naging dahilan kung bakit nagkaroon siya ng araw araw na pagkakaabalahan. Hindi rin naman ako umaangal dahil sa natutuwa rin akong magkasama kami.

She's a bit weird, but I guess that made her imperfections perfect. She's been a very good friend to me and really, I appreciate that.

"Nagda-drama ka na naman?"

Nabaling ang atensyon ko sa nagsalita.

That's not Seven, that's Wren. Aside from my friend bugging me, may isa ring tao ang walang palya sa pagiingay sa kwarto ko.

He's Wren, the number one kabangayan of Seven na nagiging dahilan bakit maingay lagi ang paligid ko.

Though, I appreciate them making time for me.

"Hindi, naalala ko lang 'yung mga sessions namin ni Doktora," I answered, lazily.

Natawa siya, "Yeah, based sa mga kwento mo I can imagine how boring that session is,"

Siyempre, for them na wala namang iniindang masakit na pinagdaanan, walang silbe ang session na ginagawa ko. But really, it helps me, a lot, to cope up with my situation.

Though those session doesn't really give me a solution to forget what happened. Gabi-gabi ko pa rin naalala ang nangyari, bago ako matulog, pag-gising ko, nandoon 'yung senaryo. Mahirap e, even with those talks with a professional, it's still there. It may help me accept it, but that won't help me forget everything.

It sucks! I got justice, he's dead, I killed him, but I'm still suffering. Napaka-unfair talaga.

Kalat sa buong Contario ang nangyari. I heard this was the first ever incident na nakaligtas ang isang outsider. Ako 'yon, they said I was lucky and that I should be thankful the bosses didn't lay a finger on me.

But really, dapat ba ako magpasalamat? I know that was a joke, right? Sa lahat ng nangyari sa akin, wala akong dapat ipagpasalamat. Dahil sa kanila, kaya ito nangyayari sa akin.

"Wren, sorry kung palagi akong umiiyak," I said, wiping my tears.

Ngumiti siya ng mapakla. I know how much they're always trying to lighten up the mood so that I wouldn't be lonely but I couldn't help it,

Kahit anong gawin ko, kahit anong ngiti ang ipakita ko, hindi ko talaga magawang maging masaya.

"I'm the son of one of the bosses in Contario, yet I couldn't do anything for you," Wren sighed. "Ali, to be honest, I don't want you here. I want you gone. I barely know you, but you made me feel concern about you. Marami na akong nakita na katulad mo, 'yung iba, mas malala pa ang kinahantungan but never I once felt guilty!"

Nabigla ako sa pago-open ni Wren. Totoo naman, hindi naman kami talaga solid na magkaibigan. Nilapitan niya lang ako noon to help me for what his friend did. Ako pa nga ang naunang lumapit sa kaniya kinabukasan to thank him and befriend him.

We haven't experienced anything yet as a friend, we know nothing about each other. But here he is, sinasamahan ako, naging isang kaibigan sa akin.

I know how powerful their bosses are. I realized maybe these people doesn't also want to be here like Seven, but wala silang choice kundi mamuhay sa ganitong paraan. Kung pilitin ko sila na gumawa ng bagay para sa akin, hindi ba parang ang toxic ko namang tao? Kung sila nga, hindi kayang makalaya sa lugar na 'to, uutusan ko pa silang gumawa ng paraan para sa akin?

Yes, I have been traumatized, I was r***d, but I don't think dapat ko silang hatakin paibaba kasama ko. Sapat na sa akin na nandito sila sa tabi ko, ginagawa ang lahat para sumaya naman ako, after all, pare-pareho lang din naman kami ng sitwasyon.

"Wren, I told you I'm not asking anyone of you to help me. Natanggap ko nang, hindi na ako makakalaya sa lugar na 'to,"

I smiled at him, to assure him that I'm okay, the thought of being a prison here, I'm starting to accept it.

But seriously, I feel like these is just a joke. They will imprison me here for years if I survive, then what, pag naka-graduate na ako, makakalabas na ako? How will they assure na hindi ako magsusumbong o gagawa ng ano? Those thoughts bothered me.

Hindi kaya, paglabas ko, 'tsaka nila ako papatayin? Since lalabas naman sa documents na graduated na ako at formal ng nakalabas ng Contario, wala ng pananagutan sa akin ang Contario if ever na may mangyari sa akin at sila ang paghinalaan?

Wait, what if ganoon nga?!

"I actually have power in Contario, Ali. But someone is pulling the strings." he stare at me, as if he's thinking something deep, what he said made me think too.

But I was caught off guard when a man spoke.

"You're funny Wren, you kept on visiting this unknown girl when you have abandoned the very first woman who trusted you her life,"

I felt the chills he bought with us. Katulad nung una ko siyang makita, ganoon pa rin siya ngayon. Merciless.

Nakita ko kung paano nagbago ang expression sa mukha ni Wren. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sinasabi ni Dario pero sa itsura ni Wren, mukha siyang na-insulto.

"You love digging the past, e?" Wren asked, not really taking Dario seriously.

Umiling lang si Dario. Dumapo ang mata niya sa akin, kumabog ng malakas ang dibdib ko. Nanumbalik na naman ang takot na sa kaniya ko lang tanging nararamdaman.

This merciless dog who tried to kill me is in front, observing me.

"Ali, you have made so much news for your first weeks in Contario," he chuckled.

"While these so called friends of yours hasn't done anything to help you, I may recommend some way for you to fulfill what you wanted in the first place,"

Nayukom ko ang kamao ko, sa kaba at sa pagkagulo mula sa mga sinasabi niya.

"You wanna out, right? Even though you survive the 4 years, how are you sure you will still be alive after this? You know, Contario is unpredictable in any ways, Alena."

"Shut up, Dario," Wren spat back. "I know what you're thinking."

Tumawa si Dario. Oh, ito ang unang beses na nakita ko siyang tumawa. Pero napaka peke naman ng tawa niya.

"Any thoughts about the mafia? your safety will be assured and your worries will disappear. Join the Contario, Alena."

I kept hearing his word the past days. Wren and Seven advised me not to really listen to him. But of course, what he said proves a point and I know Seven and Wren both knew that, it might happen.

"You have been through so much pain, Alena. I'm also aware of how much you want to make it out alive here. I want to help you, I want to tell you that you shouldn't be here but we both know we can't." she sighed, "Alena, I had this one patient years ago who had the same experience you went through. She managed a couple of days, had some friends back then but was r***d also,"

Natigilan siya, huminga ng malalim. I can see it in her eyes na, concern siya sa patient niyang iyon.

"It was very hard for her to accept what happened, just like you,"

Tumango ako, I listened carefully, sa ganitong paraan pakiramdam kong, may kasama ako, na hindi lang ako, 'yung ganito...

"She tried several ways to end her life, to the point that she became wasted. I tried to help her, but she's already messed up. One day, she realized that her life shouldn't just end like that. 'I need to live, I shouldn't die, that was the last words I heard from her.

"The next morning, I woke up from a call. I heard what happened. She did what she hated the most. Iyong pinaka sinusumpa niyang mangyari, ginawa niya. I tried to convince her, but when I looked at her, alam ko nang hindi ko na siya mapipigilan.

Alena, she made the very wrong decision, but it kept her alive since then," Ngumiti siya sa akin ng mapakla.

Hindi ako nakapag salita. Somehow, medyo nahuhulaan ko ang punto niya pero maaari na mali rin ako.

Kung sino 'man ang patient niyang iyon, she's so brave for taking that kind of risk just to stay alive.

"Like you, I had colorful dreams for myself. But right after I see the glimpse of reality, it changes. Nasa reyalidad tayo ng mundo Alena, na hindi nasasaksihan ng marami. This is the reality that evil human exists, that many of us only knew tiny of them. Those murderers out there, those criminals with petty crimes, they're nothing compare to the people around us here,"

I agree. Although r**e is common, shit... Naiiyak na naman ako!

Tumingala ako para sana mapigilan ang luhang nagbabadya na tumulo, pero ang hirap. Pinunasan ko ang mga luha kong nagpupumilit palagi.

Gusto ko nang matapos 'tong sakit na nasa puso ko, tangina...

"Every life is precious, Alena. Please, cherish it. Even how much things gets hard, always fight to survive. Some wanted to fight, but couldn't be able to anymore,"

I wiped again my tears. Parang ewan naman! Kung ganito lang din tayo mamumuhay, bakit kaylangan pa natin patagalin? Hindi ko maintindihan 'yung purpose kung lalaban ako.

"Doc, ang hirap lumaban kung araw araw akong hinahabol ng bangungot. Gusto kong magpatuloy, pero 'yung sakit pa lang ng nangyari ay parang pinapatay na ako,"

Nagsimula na naman manginig ang katawan ko. Alam ko kapag ganito nati-trigger 'yung trauma ko. The doctor said I must take a deep breathe, kaylangan ko raw i-set aside 'yung emotions at huminga ng malalim. The doctor said I may experience anxiety and panic attacks, if it occurs, I need to be aware and focused.

I closed mg fist very tight. I could feel my whole body shaking, it's getting numb the more second it counts. I opened my eyes and look at my doctor, she's just staring at me, not doing anything to help me.

I took a deep breathe, paulit ulit, hanggang sa luluwag ang paghinga ko. I had done this many times whenever I had panic attack. I mastered it kahit magisa lang ako, at nakakaya ko.

My doctor didn't really help me so I could do it by myself. Sabi niya, kapag tinulungan niya ako, magiging dependent na ako sa tao to the point na hindi ko kakayanin kung walang tutulong sa akin. She said I need to overcome it alone, pag nasanay daw ang katawan at isip ko na may tutulong sa akin, sa oras na atakihin ako at walang kasama, hindi ako makaka survive.

I would literally suffocate to death.

"Do whatever it takes to survive Alena. Maybe that's what you should do, to fight and make things right,"

That was our last session. Nung umalis siya, ilang oras akong nagpahinga. Bukas na ang release ko at ibig sabihin niyan, bukas ay kaylangan ko na naman makipag sapalaran sa buhay ko.

Well, staying at home is a good idea. Seven promised na lagi siya magiiwan ng stocks sa ref so hindi ko na kaylanganin lumabas. Wren gave me his number so I could call him if I need anything daw.

God, they're so thoughtful. I'm still thankful though, at least, I have them.

I am reading a book when I heard a knock. It's six in the evening and there are nurses roving the hallway so medyo slight lang 'yung kaba ko. Hindi rin ganoon kadilim pa sa labas.

"Pasok," I said, almost a murmur.

Hindi ko sure if narinig? Wala rin naman akong pakialam.

But of course the door opened at pumasok ang bisitang matagal kong hindi nakita.

Tinignan niya ako mula ulo hanggang paa, he's like checking me or what, then he sighed.

"Release mo na bukas?" He asked, with his gentle voice.

I nodded, not really minding him.

Or making him see that I don't really mind him

But oh my G! Ang hot pa rin niya kahit naka t-shirt?!

May nilapag siyang paparbag sa side table na alam ko namang pagkain ang laman, tsaka siya umupo sa chair sa tabi ng kama ko.

Naka casual lang siya ngayon unlike noon na madalas para siyang pastor tignan.

Joke,

"I'm sorry, I have been busy the past week kaya ngayon lang ako naka dalaw." He said, looking straight sa namumungay kong mata.

Nope, hindi ako sabog ha. Hindi na ako tinuturukan ng drugs nung nakaraan pa.

"Uh, okay lang naman kahit na hindi ka makadalaw," sagot ko, kunwari nahihiya.

Jeeeez! Kapag kaharap ko ang taong 'to, nawawala lahat ng sakit sa isip ko at napupuno ng puro kalokohan.

Iba talaga epekto sakin pag parang pastor manamit.

Awts, gege.

"Nag impake ka na?" he smiled,

Umiling ako, ipagagawa ko 'yan kay Wren bukas total nagpresinta siya.

"Ako na ang gagawa, para naman makatulong ako."

Nanlaki ang mata ng kaluluwa ko. Hindi pwede baka makita niya 'yung undies ko?!

Oh, nakita na nga pala niya 'yung buong katawan ko.

Hindi na nga pala ako virgin puta naman.

Wait, traumatized ako diba?!!

"H-hindi na, Rehan. Ako na—"

Pero huli na, binuksan niya na ang cabinet at tumambad sa kaniya ang gulo gulo kong damitan.

Hays, nakakahiya.

Hindi naman ako baldado, pwede ko siya pigilan, pero tinatamad ako. Masarap siyang pagmasdan lang.

He he

"Rehan, ano ka ba rito?"

I asked, out of nowhere.

Saglit siyang natigilan sa pagtutupi, but I'm really curious no?

He has the guts to touch my undies tapos hindi ko pwede malaman life niya?

Man, that's unfair!

"Let's say in legal term, I'm the business manager,"

Tumango tango ako.

Manager pala, sana all.

"Ano bang business niyo?"

He chuckled, shet! "Marami, iba't iba,"

"Handle mo lahat?"

He nodded, "Yeah, lahat ng business even sa buong mundo. I am the one managing it kaya most of the time wala ako rito."

Ohhh, I see. Kaya naman pala.

Malaki kaya sahod niya?

"I actually started as a runner. That's basically the lowest position in here."

"Runner?" tanong ko.

Tumango siya, "Runner ng drugs, the dealers gives me the item and pass it to their clients and vice versa,"

Lumaki ang mata ko, tapos lumiit din.

Oo nga pala, nasa ibang mundo ako.

Kung saan very vocal sila sa crime nila.

Wow ha!

I fantasize a criminal? Should I be proud?

Hindi ko sure.

"I had gone thru different positions. I had to experience those para mas maintindihan at magamay ko ang negosyo. I have come to master it all and be smart with it kaya naging manager na ako,"

Tumango ako, "yeah, pero diba anak ka naman ng boss?"

"Yeah, but my father doesn't want me to join the business ng patanga-tanga. Lahat ng nasa posisyon, pinagdaanan lahat katulad ko, just like my father before he got there. Ganon pinalago ng lolo ko ang negosyo, to avoid stupidity.

That's also the reason why he built Contario. Lahat kaylangan makapagaral, para maiwasan ang pagiging tanga at mangmang. He doesn't want failure, kapag nasa posisyon ka na, mistakes are unacceptable. Bago ka raw kasi nalagay sa posisyon, ibig sabihin alam mo na lahat, so bakit ka pa magkakamali? He's got a point though."

Hindi ako nakasagot. Sa side ng kwento niya, parang ang honorable ng ancestors niya. Alam mo 'yung matalino tapos mahal 'yung negosyo nila. Although ganoon nga, alam naman natin lahat kung ano ang kalakaran ng negosyo nila.

Their businesses are illegel, they are illegal. Hindi lang ito basta bawal sa batas, sila mismo ay kalaban ng gobyerno. It's wrong, but part of me is saying na even the government itself are wrong.

I heard from Seven that some of the members of the highest cabinets are a part of Contario. The mafia funded them, their party, para mapunta sila kung nasaan sila ngayon—in exchange of things favorable to the mafia.

That is also the reason kung bakit kahit magpanggap ang government na ipaghigpit ang illegal drugs, milyones pa rin ang nakakalusot.

Why?

Because there are people pulling the strings, not the government, but the mafia itself. They were the ones controlling the government and the politicians we knew are just a puppet.

Bilang lang sa kamay ang totoo at tapat, hindi pa lumalaban masiyado dahil may baril na naka tutok sa ulo nila.

You either keep your mouth shut, or you get shot in broad daylight.

"Mahal mo ba ang mafia, Rehan?" I asked, "Naalala ko, sabi noon ni Seven, ayaw na niya rito."

Ngumiti siya.

"I was born here, I grew up here. This has been my life, Alena. There may be bad things, but there are also good things here Ali," he said, smiling a bit.

I smiled, too.

I wonder ano 'yung mga good things na 'yun? Para kasing wala namang ganoon.

Or if there really is, even how good it is, I don't think I'll be able to love this world.

"Those good things, Rehan, what are those?" I asked back.

Ngumiti ako ng mapakla. I wanted to cry pero this time, ramdam ko na ang pagod mula sa mga mata ko.

Good things? Sa unang tapak ko nga lang rito, someone literally threatened me with a gun, tried to kill me and got r***d eventually.

May ibubuti pa ba sa Contario?

This has been my dream, right? But it f*****g made me tremble every night, thinking I could be in danger again, this is supposed to be a dream for me but whenever I close my eyes, all I see is a nightmare.

Rehan is good to me, I appreciate that, them for making time for me. They are not supposed to do that, but they did. So maybe, the only good things the Contario has are them— Seven, Wren and Rehan.