The Edge of Hope

Chapter 3

The sunlight breaking through the blinds in Hope’s apartment felt like a thousand knives were being stabbed into her skull. She could barely swallow past the thickness in her mouth. She attempted to stretch and immediately regretted it.

“Jesus,” she groaned. She placed a hand on her head, willing it to stop the pain.

When she turned over to her bedside table to look for painkillers, she shrieked when she saw someone sitting at her desk, playing on her laptop.

“Carol?”

Carol spun around and rushed to Hope’s side.

“Hey, sweetie.” She already had two pills and a glass of water ready to go.

Hope got up carefully, trying to ease the churning in her stomach.

“You’re a lifesaver,” she mumbled, swallowing the pills with difficulty, her stomach protesting at the sudden intrusion of liquids.

“You look like shit.” Carol sat next to Hope on her bed.

Hope merely grunted in response and threw herself down on the pillow.

Carol chuckled and headed to the kitchenette. While the kettle was boiling, she whistled a familiar tune to herself but Hope couldn’t bare the sound bouncing around her head.

“Stop, please. I love that song, but not right now.”

“Well, I think you’ll feel better after some coffee.” Carol handed a mug over to Hope and looked at her with concern.

“You were bad last night. What happened?”

“I don’t remember,” Hope started but shut her mouth when all the memories came rushing in like a tsunami. She moaned and hung her head in shame. “Oh my God, Carol, I made an absolute ass of myself last night.”

“With Gabe?”

“Yeah. I just had too many whiskeys, and he was being all flirty and stuff and then he wasn’t and I was so embarrassed and I think it was just all too much.”

Carol was pensive for a few seconds. “What do you mean he was flirty then wasn’t?”

“I thought we had a moment and I said something, you know if it would be inappropriate, which it isn’t but I wasn’t thinking straight. And it’s like a switch went off. His whole demeanour changed.”

“What did he do then?”

“He sort of just shut himself down. He didn’t say anything. I was puking my guts out before we got to that part.”

Carol tapped a manicured finger on her lips. Hope had noticed she looked bright and fresh this morning, a complete juxtaposed vision from her hot-mess-chic look.

“He seemed really worried about you.”

A sudden thought occurred to Hope. “How did you know I was in the bathroom?”

“I saw Gabe carrying you off in that direction. He doesn’t come across as the dodge type but I wanted to make sure you were ok. Then I saw him half inside the ladies’ bathroom and I figured all the whiskey had gotten to you.”

“I see.” The embarrassment of last night came crashing down on Hope. She rested her head in her hands and tried to fight back threatening tears.

“He must think so little of me now.” Her head shot up, and she winced but a more painful thought crossed her mind. “Oh, s**t, Carol, what if he decides to not help me with my paper?”

She tried to get up but a wave of dizziness threw her off balance and Carol managed to steady her before she fell.

“He’ll still help you, I promise.” She gave a reassuring smile which looked genuine, but Hope wasn’t convinced.

“You don’t know that.”

“As a matter of fact, I do.” She went back to the desk and pulled a small paper out of her bag. She held it out to Hope with a smirk on her face.

‘Your inspiration won’t be found in the toilet bowl either, but I commend your determination. It’s a step up from hitting your head. 17:30 at the library after your shift on Monday.’

A silly giggle escaped Hope’s mouth and she held the letter to her chest.

“Private joke, I’m assuming?” Carol had a cheeky look on her face but the warmth in her eyes for her best friend was unmistakable.

“Something like that.”

“At least you have a day to recover. No amount of concealer is going to help you right now.”

The two girls spent the rest of the day watching movies and eating takeaways.

Monday couldn’t come soon enough.

*****

Hope kept checking the retro clock on the wall every five minutes. Why did it seem like the previous five minutes had taken ten to pass?

“Hope?”

She spun around and saw Sal holding out two plates with a slice of his famous apple pie and ice cream on each.

“Oh, sorry, Sal,” she took the plates into one hand skillfully and gave a bashful look to her boss. “My mind is…far away.”

“Mm-hm. Bring it back until five, young lady.” His reprimanding tone still had a softness to it, but Hope knew not to take advantage of it.

“Yes, sir.”

When five had rolled around, Hope dashed to the back to gather her stuff and was rushing out when she heard Sal call out to her.

She let out an annoyed huff and walked towards the kitchen. She mentally slapped herself for acting like a moody teenager but if she waited a minute longer she would miss her bus.

“What’s up?” Hope asked.

“You know how much you mean to me, right?”

“Um, yeah. Of course, I do.”

“And you know you’re the closest thing to a daughter I have?”

Hope’s chest warmed at his sentiment and she gave him a warm smile. “And you’re the closest thing to a father I have.”

“Then you know that I will do whatever it takes to protect you.”

Hope frowned at his comment. “Did something happen?”

“I’m hoping something doesn’t happen. I noticed you’ve been distracted and checking the clock the whole time. You’ve just been different this last week. Relaxed. In a daze.”

“I’m not sure what you’re getting at.” Hope had barely finished before he spoke up in a serious voice.

“If he breaks your heart, I will kick his balls so hard he will be picking them out of his teeth for a month.”

Her mouth hung open. She had never heard Sal speak like that before. He was just a giant human teddy bear. How could he have possibly come to that conclusion? Not that there is anything going on. She decided she would not pursue anything with Gabe and would focus on her coursework, instead. She hadn’t entirely convinced herself of that just yet.

“I will, too,” she smiled, not wanting to try defend herself. “I really have to go, though, it’s for my paper so…”

“Of course, go, go. See you tomorrow!”

Hope rushed out and caught the bus just in time. She fixed the stray hairs that had fallen throughout the day and a memory of Gabe doing the same flittered through her mind.

The memory of what happened next followed and she pursed her lips. She didn’t know what to expect. It could go either way at this point.

If his note that he left with Carol is anything to go by, they should be just fine.

Hope blew out a breath to calm her beating heart. She would not let his words have such an effect on her, but she was failing miserably.

When she arrived at the library, she spotted the doctor resting against the bonnet of his car, fixated on the book he was reading.

She stood for a second taking in his casual appearance. Dark jeans and a grey pullover, as it was starting to get cold in the afternoons. She expected to see loafers but instead, he was wearing black Converse.

She pulled her eyebrows together and snorted at the thought of his shiny loafers with worn jeans.

He looked up at Hope and gave her a lazy smile. Her stomach started turning like it did on Friday night but not due to overindulgence.

“Hey.” Gabe pushed himself off his car and snapped his book closed. “I’m glad you could make it.”

“I nearly didn’t. Sal kept me waiting and I nearly missed the bus.”

“Then I’ll pick you up next time. Simple.” He motioned towards the entrance and fell in behind her.

Next time. She liked the sound of that far too much.

They took a seat at a table in the back corner, the silence inside nearly driving her crazy.

“About Friday,” Hope started, taking a breath and meeting his steady gaze. “I’m sorry. I drank too much and said stupid things…”

“No, you don’t need to apologise.” Gabe ran a hand over his cheek and sighed. “I put you in an unfair predicament and you were in no state of mind to think clearly. Neither was I.”

“Still. And then there was the puking.” Hope shuddered at the memory and looked up at the roof of the library, hoping the universe would bestow the confidence she so desperately needed right now. “I am a lightweight. Wasn’t even four drinks down.”

“Did you eat beforehand?”

She looked at Gabe with a guilty expression. “I may have decided that it wasn’t necessary to take up space with food.”

He cast her a disapproving gaze but that same twinkle in his eyes returned. One of adoration if Hope was assuming correctly.

“Well, I’m sure the hangover was punishment enough, so I won’t give you too much s**t,” he said teasingly.

She huffed in amusement. “Thanks. So where should we start?” She was trying to distract herself, remembering that she wasn’t going to entertain this crush any longer.

Gabe cleared his throat and sat up straight, taking himself out of his own trance.

“I think what will help your intro is to brainstorm your idea first. You have a good idea of where you want your paper to go, but you have to start off right. So,” he took a piece of paper out of his bag and placed it in between them on the table, “we’re going to start from the beginning. What is your inspiration for this topic?”

Hope stilled at his question and blinked. “I don’t think children who are emotionally abused should be treated any differently to a child that was physically abused,” she said flatly.

“Ok, but why do you think that? That’s not an opinion someone just decides to adopt one day because they feel like it.”

Hope shrugged her shoulders and crossed her arms. She didn’t like the nervousness rising up in her chest, closing in on her throat. She tried to speak but a small sound came out.

“Hope? Why do you feel so strongly about it?” Gabe’s voice was softer, more gentle. It was as if he was asking with genuine concern and not as her mentor. It managed to ease some of her tension.

“Obviously, I’ve had to do my practical hours in the meantime, and I was at a school, and I came across a lot of children who were just deemed to have ‘behavioural issues’”- she gestured quote marks with her fingers and scoffed - “These kids were traumatised. I could tell because I’d met some of the parents and they were terrified of them. It was subtle but it’s like the light inside them went out. That innocence and joy we only see in kids were gone and replaced with insecurity and sadness. I did some hours at a social work centre, too, with physically abused kids, and while I’m not invalidating their abuse, they were pulled right out of those homes in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, some were just put in awful homes again, which was heartbreaking, but I’m getting side-tracked here. My point is that those frightened kids who will never realise their true potential, and who will never pursue anything because they are so afraid of failure are being left behind and ignored. They all deserve to be treated the same.”

Hope took a deep breath when she had finished and grunted.

“What?” Gabe inquired, noting her frustration. “That was a great answer.”

“Because every time I tried to start writing, nothing came out. I couldn’t answer anyone who asked me to describe my research. But with you,” she sagged her shoulders and scratched the back of her neck. “With you, it just flows out. And it makes me feel like I’ve wasted so much time. Could you not have come to the diner sooner?”

Gabe chuckled and started writing something on the paper. “I apologise for my tardiness. I’ll be sure to be there in the future.”

Hope gave him a half-smile and tilted her head, studying him. “Thank you for helping me, Gabe. Really. I didn’t think you would after…”

“Stop.” He gave her a stern expression. “We’re doing this, whether you like it or not.”

“No, I really do like it,” she giggled. Again, she realized how her words had sounded. “s**t, I just keep digging myself deeper and deeper into this hole.”

“I think it’s adorable.”

Hope felt her cheeks blaze with heat and she tried to suppress the butterflies erupting in her stomach. This was not going according to plan.

“I think it’s a nuisance,” she countered, her voice breathy. She was damning herself mentally.

Gabe gave her a mischievous grin, leaned his elbows on the table and bent slightly towards her. Hope didn’t break eye contact with him, too entrapped by his gaze to look away.

“You don’t seem to be in any rush to do something about it.” His voice had lowered to a gruff sound that was sending her heart into a frenzy.

Hope swallowed and lowered her eyes to the paper between them, Gabe’s illegible handwriting scribbled around a centre point. She was trying so desperately to stop the blushing but nothing was helping.

So she said the only thing that came to mind. “You have really bad handwriting.”

He just looked over slightly, barely moving his head and then met Hope’s eyes, now peeking through her lashes.

Gabe gave her a thoughtful look. She wondered what was going through his head. Maybe he was going to reject her again. She wasn’t sure she could handle that humiliation again.

“You know I’ve had a difficult time recently with just socializing in general, not an issue I’ve had before. I could hold a conversation without thinking twice about it and now it takes an immense amount of effort and energy that I just don’t have anymore. But with you,” he paused, Hope’s chest heating with anticipation and he continued, “With you, it just flows out.”

She released a loud breath and closed her eyes momentarily. She had a split second to decide how she would react to his comment. She also thought about the fact that he had shown a vulnerable side of him, which meant he must’ve trusted her to some degree. She knew she was blushing, and probably had a silly grin on her face, too.

“You should have really come to the diner sooner, then,” Hope whispered softly.

A few silent seconds passed, and she and Gabe shared an intimate look that couldn’t have been missed by any passer-by. Something was changing, something they were both aware of and raised a faint sense of fear.

But at that moment, neither of them would allow their inner sorrows to take this away from them, even if it was just a fleeting moment.

Hope had suggested they should continue before it gets too late as the last bus would be leaving at seven.

They sat and brainstormed for hours before they realized it was nearing eight p.m. when the librarian came to speak to them.

“Excuse me, I’m going to have to ask you two to come back tomorrow. We close in five minutes.”

“Oh, sorry, ma’am,” Hope shuffled her papers into her bag and grabbed a few books that Gabe had suggested she read through.

He offered her a ride home, which she happily accepted and after a long shower, she tucked herself in next to Pixie. Despite her reservations, she couldn’t deny the growing connection they had, the deeper feeling that spread a warmth through her that she had never experienced before. Was this what falling in love felt like?

Hope quickly pushed that thought into the back of her mind and closed her eyes, soon drifting into an uninterrupted sleep, dreams filled with Gabe’s kind eyes and a future she knew they couldn’t have.