The Edge of Hope

Chapter 11

Gabe barely slept that night, he had gone to the gym in his building but it wasn’t enough to exhaust him. At least not his mind.

He was still damning himself for giving Hope a panic attack. He just couldn’t stop himself from snapping. The words were out before he even thought about what they would sound like. For what felt like the hundredth time, he turned over on his side and stared at the moonlight streaming through the window, the silver light coming in thin lines.

It always seemed to come back to his ex. Always. And it wasn’t fair at all that Hope was always at the receiving end of it. Maybe because he never had closure, he was struggling with coming to terms with it?

Whatever it was, he needed to get his s**t together before one day, Hope decides she’s had enough and leaves. He turned over again to face her, the moonlight gently illuminating her face. He resisted brushing her hair out of her face. She’d been restless and didn’t want to risk waking her. Which he was probably doing by tossing and turning every damn minute.

With a silent grunt, he got out of bed and went to his office. He looked behind him and saw Pixie sitting at his door as he opened the drawer.

He put his finger to his lips and shushed her as he pulled out the ring. “Don’t tell her.”

The cat simply meowed and walked away. Gabe sat and played with the ring, turning it over in his fingers. His heart grew heavy as he realised he wasn’t ready. He couldn’t marry Hope. Not yet, anyway.

His breath felt constricted and he sighed in defeat.

“I wish I’d never married you,” he cursed his ex-wife and dropped the ring back in the drawer and slammed it shut. He winced at the noise and hoped like hell he hadn’t woken Hope up.

He walked to the room and peeked inside and let out a breath when he saw she was still fast asleep. He checked the wall clock and saw it was nearly five in the morning.

In the kitchen, he sat at the breakfast bar with a coffee and his phone in hand. He wasn’t sure if Dan was awake, yet, but he’d try his luck. He was usually up this time, why, Gabe never got that figured out.

You awake?

I’m surprised you are.

Gabe huffed and got straight to the point. I’m not ready. I can’t ask her to marry me, yet.

Whoa ok… where did this come from?

We had a fight and I realised I can’t keep putting her at the ass-end of my issues with Alice.

FUCK ALICE!!

Gabe chuckled at his friend’s response. He shared the same sentiment. I agree… but it is what it is.

Well, it’s your call. But sort your s**t out, Gabe.

A few seconds later another message came in from him. I’m rooting for you ;)

Gabe shook his head and put his phone down. He leaned forward until his forehead was resting on the cool marble counter and let out a frustrated groan.

“Don’t tell me your own coffee is that bad, too?”

Gabe spun around and saw Hope standing there with wild hair and his Metallica t-shirt that he wore around the house. It was cute and sexy at the same time.

“Not when you make it,” he said, holding his arms open. She quickly tucked herself into him. “How did you sleep?”

He felt her shrug her shoulders and softly murmured, “Ok, I’ve had better but I’ve had worse.”

Gabe kissed her forehead when a message came through on his phone. He panicked that it might have been Dan so he grabbed it before Hope could see. It wasn’t him, at least.

“Dammit. I have to go into the office today. Will you be alright?”

Hope waved her hand to brush him off. “Yeah. I’ve been eyeing that ice cream in your freezer so,” she shrugged.

“Our freezer. So help yourself. I’m going to get ready, I have to be there ASAP.”

While Gabe showered, his mind kept wandering to his conversation with Dan. He hated that he wasn’t ready to ask Hope. Suddenly he thought that because she lives here, he should probably hide the ring somewhere else.

He got dressed and as he walked out, Hope dashed into the bathroom, slamming the door shut. She called through the door before he could say anything. “You take too bloody long, I needed to pee.”

“Sorry, your majesty. Pixie’s litter box is by the window if you’re so desperate next time.”

He heard the toilet flush and Hope peeked her head out. “Next time I’ll do it in your bloody coffee mug. I’m going to shower, I feel grimy.”

He gave her a quick kiss and was just about to head out the door when he realised he hadn’t left her a note in a few weeks. He got a pen and paper and left the note pinned to the freezer.

He smiled, satisfied with himself and raced off to work.

*****

Feeling refreshed, Hope walked to the kitchen to get some breakfast. As she opened the fridge, she noticed a note on the freezer and grabbed it quickly, excitement filling her.

‘I shouldn’t be too long. Leave some ice cream for us poor, unworthy peasants.’

Hope held the note to her chest like she always did. It’s like she was committing it to memory so that she would never forget this feeling. She had come to love how it became their thing, even before they were dating.

She decided to go for cereal, seeing as it was still so early and her stomach was still mostly asleep. She put on the TV while eating and Pixie came to lie on her lap.

The sound from the TV drifted into the background as her mind drifted in the other direction. She looked around the apartment and couldn’t believe how lucky she was. She had everything she could possibly ever want in life, including Pixie. Hope wouldn’t trade this for all the world’s gold if it was offered to her.

After she placed her bowl on the coffee table, she made herself comfortable with a blanket over her and Pixie pushed up against her, and soon, faded off to sleep.

*****

Monday rolled around and Hope had to force herself to get out of bed. A pounding in her head felt like something was trying to push its way out and made every noise sound like nails on a chalkboard. She could barely open her eyes, the light like swords going into her brain.

Eventually, when she half crawled to the bathroom, she stood in the shower with her head against the tiles, the water beating down her back trying to ease the pain spreading through her body.

She didn’t know how long she’d been standing there, but it must have been long, as Gabe eventually walked in and checked if she was alright.

“Are you alright? You’ve been in here for twenty minutes and some of us would like to freshen up, too.”

Hope felt too shitty to laugh at his joke, instead, she just groaned and turned the shower off. She climbed out and nearly stumbled over at the sudden dizziness that took over. Luckily, Gabe caught her just in time before she fell.

“Whoa, ok, be careful,” Gabe said, the worry evident in his voice.

He steadied Hope, but never let go of her shoulders. She wanted to thank him but nothing would come out. At this point, all that was going to come out of her mouth was last night’s dinner if she didn’t lie down.

“Lie down. Need to…” she couldn’t form a coherent sentence, but it was all the indication Gabe needed.

Hope felt her feet moving across the wooden floors, then a soft pillow on her head and warm blankets enveloping her. Her nausea subsided almost immediately.

“What’s wrong?”

Hope shook her head. Gabe sighed, then, “Can I get you anything?”

Hope shook her head again. She felt an irrational amount of irritation at Gabe’s voice which felt like knives being stabbed into her eyes and ears and being relentlessly moved around.

He placed a hand on her forehead. “No fever,” he mumbled.

Hope took his hand and slowly brought it to her lips, kissing it softly. Mustering up all the energy she had, only one word came out, “Migraine.”

She felt him get up, heard him busy in the bathroom, then the kitchen and then felt the bed dip next to her.

“Here, try to take these,” he whispered, holding her head up. She was so grateful for his help, but she just couldn’t bring herself to show it.

He got up again and Hope opened her eyes a little bit more and saw him hang towels over the windows to block out the light.

“Thank…thank you,” she croaked. He leaned down and placed a soft kiss on her head.

“I’ll phone the school and let them know you’re not coming in. I’ll let my office know, too.”

“That I’m… I’m not coming…in?”

Gabe just smiled, “No baby, that I’m not.”

Hope just shook her head at her stupid mistake and pulled the duvet over her head.

“I’ll let you sleep. Just send me a message if you need something, try not to move too much.”

She nodded her head carefully and huddled herself up with the duvet. The painkillers made quick work and she was out within ten minutes.

*****

In all the time Gabe had known Hope, she never had a migraine and she’d never mentioned that she suffered from them. Luckily, as a medical doctor, he could convince the school easily that she needed the rest of the week off to recover and rest.

He was reading through a proposal for a research grant when there was a knock at the door. He turned and stared, waiting for somebody to say something. Who could possibly be here?

Gabe was going to swear them for coming and potentially disturbing Hope, but he couldn’t ignore the door either. A firmer knock came this time and he clenched his teeth.

Taking his coffee mug with him, he opened the door and couldn’t believe his eyes. He was frozen in place as the woman who made his life hell, who was still making his life hell, stood in front of him, a smile on her face that wanted to make him vomit. She hadn’t changed much, except for the few wrinkles around her eyes and she looked a lot thinner. But there was no mistaking that smile she got when she wanted something.

He put his mug down on the table by the door and stepped out, closing the door softly behind him. He would have much rather slammed it, but circumstances wouldn’t allow for that.

Gabe was still getting over the initial shock that he hadn’t yet said anything, only glaring at Alice, whose smile was completely gone now and replaced with a frown.

“I thought you’d be happier to see me.”

He sputtered, unable to process her words. “Happy to see you?” he hissed. “Why the f**k would I be happy to see you?”

Alice took a step closer and placed a hand on Gabe’s bicep. He immediately recoiled. “Don’t touch me.”

“Oh, come on. Don’t be like that.”

“Don’t be like what?” he seethed. “Eighteen years, Alice. It’s been eighteen f*****g years. What the hell are you doing here?”

“Tom and I got a divorce, and…”

“And you decided to come skipping back here to me? How the hell do you even know where I live?”

She gave a sly smile. “I have my ways.”

“So you just had to suck a few d***s, right? But that’s nothing new, is it?”

Alice flinched and sighed. “I made a mistake. And I feel awful that it took nearly twenty years for me to realise that. I want you back.” She suddenly reached out to him and Gabe jumped back, making Alice nearly fall over her own feet.

“Get the f**k away from me. Stay the f**k away from me. And don’t come back. You are not welcome here.”

Gabe’s blood turned to ice when he heard his door open. Alice’s eyes moved to the door and she simply raised an eyebrow.

He turned around and saw Hope, pale, heavy bags under her eyes and looking back and forth between him and Alice. She leaned her body against the door frame, and he was certain she would fall over if it wasn’t there.

“Hope, please go…”

“What’s going on?” she asked weakly.

Gabe cursed under his breath. “You’re supposed to be resting.”

She peeked passed him to his ex-wife and then back to him. “You’re not as quiet as you think.”

“Wow, Gabe.”

He spun around at Alice’s words and his blood thawed and started boiling at her smug expression.

“You going for the young ones now?”

Gabe balled his hands into fists, not wanting to cause a scene, especially in front of Hope. Before he could tell Hope again to go inside, she was next to him, on wobbly legs, with a fire in her eyes that shook him to his core.

“No, he’s going for the ones that don’t f**k around with anything that has a d**k hanging between their legs.”

A loud clapping sound filled the hallway as Alice raised her hand to Hope’s face, who stumbled back slightly from the impact. If the wall hadn’t been next to her, she would have fallen over and potentially hurt herself even more.

Gabe only saw red. He grabbed Alice’s arm and dragged her to the elevator. He waited a second before it opened and threw her inside, Alice falling against the back wall, her eyes wide and filled with fear. Gabe briefly regretted his reaction but the thought that she had touched Hope took over.

“If you ever come back here, ever again, rest assured that I will not let you leave unless it’s in a body bag.”

Gabe stormed away, not looking back. His eyes were trained on Hope who was resting her head against the door frame, eyes closed and a few silent tears running down her face.

He gently took her hands and she looked up at him with tired eyes. In between kissing her knuckles, he whispered, “I’m sorry.”

Hope took one of her hands back and ran it through Gabe’s hair and then onto his stubble. He leaned into it and squeezed his eyes shut, his heart sitting in his throat.

“It’s ok. It’s not your fault she was here.”

Gabe couldn’t stand the weakness in her voice and lifted her bridal style and took her straight back to his bed.

He lay her down carefully and inspected the red mark on her face. That’s when he noticed a slight break on her skin, a drop of blood only now seeping through. It might have been from one of the rings Alice was wearing.

Regardless, it made him want to go after her again and make sure no one ever found any trace of her existence. But now was not the time.

Hope looked at him, eyes half-open. “Why was she,’ – she cleared her throat at the sudden dryness – ‘why was she here?”

“I’m not sure. I don’t even know how she figured out where I live.”

“Do you think she’ll come back?”

Gabe thought for a second, conflicted. “I don’t know, to be honest. But if she does, I’ll deal with it then.”

His eyes drifted down to the cut on her cheek and he felt his anger rising again. “I can’t believe she hit you.”

Hope reached up and ran a finger over the injury. “She never hit you, did she?”

“No, she’s not the violent type but, s**t, anything can happen in twenty years.” Gabe ran both of his hands over his face, trying to ease the tension that was making his jaw hurt.

Hope didn’t respond, only staring at an empty spot on the floor. Gabe tried to gauge what she was feeling, but he figured with a migraine, it was probably only her head, the pain too intense to register any emotional feelings.

He brushed Hope’s cheek and smiled. “I also can’t believe what you said to her.”

Hope merely grunted in response, the morning taking its toll on her already fragile body.

“I should leave. I’ll be in the office.”

Gabe kissed her forehead and closed the door behind him.

As he walked to the kitchen to get another coffee, he phoned Dan, needing to vent about what just happened. He was sure that if anyone would be as angry as Gabe, it was Dan, if not more so.

He’d only met Alice once, towards the end of the marriage, and he hadn’t liked her at all. Of course, then, it had pissed Gabe off.

Dan answered on the third ring. “Hey, how are you?”

“I’m about to f*****g murder somebody.”

“Ok, should I get a shovel ready so long?” Gabe wanted to punch the smile that he knew was on Dan’s face right now.

“This isn’t a joke, Dan. Alice showed up at my door this morning.

“Ok, hold on a second.” Gabe heard shuffling and a door closing before Dan spoke up again. “Alice? Like your ex, Alice?”

“No, Alice from the books. She came to invite me to the tea party with the mad hatter.”

“Ok, definitely your ex-wife, then. What the hell was she doing there?”

“How the hell should I know? How did she even know my address?” Gabe raised his voice slightly and winced, looking behind him to his bedroom door. He walked quietly to his office and shut the door. “But that’s not actually what pissed me off.”

“So what did?”

“She hit Hope. Slapped her across her face and even cut the skin. It was a small cut, but still!” He started pacing around his office, probably wearing into the carpet by now.

“Jesus Christ, Gabe. What did she do? Is she alright?”

“She’s ok. She has a migraine so I don’t think that helped at all. She just said something that pissed Alice off and the next thing I know I was dragging her off and throwing her into the elevator.”

“I would’ve thrown her down the f*****g staircase. I’m sorry, man. You haven’t had a great start to the day, have you?”

Gabe huffed. “Yeah, something like that. What do I do? I mean I’m just so bloody angry, and I feel like I can’t just leave this alone.”

Dan hummed and then sighed. “Ok, meet me at Hogan’s tonight, seven p.m. I think we’re going to need a drink for this.”

“Or twelve. See you then.” Gabe hung up and squeezed his phone so hard in his hands, that he was sure he would break it. He wanted to slap himself for how he handled the situation. It was wrong of him to manhandle Alice the way he did, but he just saw red when she hit Hope.

Gabe growled when he realised his eyes were misting up, all the pent up anger, regret and heartbreak flooding his system. He slid down the wall, his legs splayed out in front of him when he landed on the floor. He threw his head back against the wall, punishing himself and hoping to feel something else. Anything else.

“Fuck.” The word was carried out in shaky breaths. His hands started shaking and he suddenly became aware of an impending panic attack.

He tried to slow his breathing down but was failing. He pulled his legs up and he wrapped his arms around them, letting the tears fall to the ground.

It was long overdue. Maybe he needed this to let go of everything that he had buried deep inside, where it had been festering into a malignant pest, now making its appearance when it was the last thing he needed.

He took a deep breath and swore again.

A few minutes passed and he’d managed to calm down, ever so slightly. Now, he just felt exhausted. He thought climbing in next to Hope, feeling her warmth and presence would be the best thing for him.

He stood up, left his phone on the floor and dragged himself to the room.

Hope was fast asleep and huddled into the blankets. Even in the midst of anxiety and anger, it brought a smile to his face. f**k, he loved this woman. And he was not going to let Alice take this away from him, or have him sitting on the floor unable to breathe.

Cuddled up next to her, he closed his eyes and let his mind drift off. He couldn’t fall asleep, but he felt like he was in limbo and that was good enough for him.