I simply watched him go down the stairs in silence, and then returned to the guest room, terrified. I was shaking like a leaf. I could not only imagine what everyone was feeling—I KNEW IT WELL.
The bath relaxed me, yes. It served its purpose. I stopped feeling dirty and handled. I felt like a broken doll, like a chew toy torn to shreds with no possibility of repair.
I don’t remember if it was then or after getting out of the tub that I burst into tears. It was much stronger than me. I was in shock and needed more painkillers; I should have gone to Hans, but I didn’t. I also don’t know how long I spent crying, trying to be silent and brief. I didn’t manage to be brief, that I’m sure of. It took me a while to pull myself together and stop trembling again, but I managed when I thought again
