The Power to Rise

Chapter 3

Chapter 3

I walked into my apartment and dropped my bag on the couch.

I need coffee, I told myself as I walked into my kitchen. I looked at the rack of coffee pods: breakfast blend, cappuccino, extra strong, mocha, milk chocolate…

My God. Choices! I’m not ready to make decisions.

I opened the refrigerator door and looked inside. There were cans of Coke on the bottom shelf. That was easy. There was caffeine in cola. I needed to get this submissive zone out of my head.

I pulled the tab and took a sip as I walked back into my living room.

What has that woman done to me? I wondered as I slid into the chair at my desk. I felt drugged, almost drunk or stoned. I definitely wasn’t in charge at the moment and it was difficult to make decisions.

I’d driven home so very carefully; stopping at every stop sign and slowing down at every crosswalk. I’d even sat at that red light until the car behind me started honking. Oh yes, right-on-red. I can go.

I was pretty sure I pulled into my parking space correctly and I’d closed the windows and locked the car. I think I’d checked three times. If I had pressed the lock button on my remote one more time, it might have disintegrated in my hand.

As I finished the last sip of my Coke, I turned on my computer. How do I look her up? Do I search Mistress? Dominatrix? God, how many millions of those would there be? I sat back, or tried to sit back. I’d forgotten the flogging. My desk chair had a wooden back, not like the soft contoured back in my car.

I got up and went into the bathroom and took my shirt off. In the mirror, I could see that my back was red and slightly bruised in places. It didn’t look like any blood was leaking out, but there was a strip that had tiny dots of red that hadn’t breached the surface. I checked my shirt; no, no blood. It looked and felt like a wicked sunburn. Without putting my shirt back on, I walked around the apartment to make sure all the blinds were closed.

I sat back down and stared at my blank computer screen. How do I find her? Then it struck me: Check my Visa!

I clicked on the Visa icon and my account came up. I looked down that week’s charges. There it was: $350 to St. Clare Enterprises. St. Clare!

I checked it against the city’s listings. There was one St. Clare at the exact address I’d been to earlier: Dr. Janet St. Clare.

I typed that into my search engine and pages and pages of listings came up. I clicked on the first. Dr. Janet St. Clare, author. I read down the review of her latest book: s****l Response in Times of Crisis. It was her fifth book and the review was glowing. It seemed that Dr. Janet St. Clare was a world-renowned expert on s*x!

I looked at the photo of her on-line. She was a beautiful woman, about my age, maybe a few years older. She had long dark hair and an intriguing look in her eyes. She looked like she could see right through you. Yes, she could do that, couldn’t she? My heart fluttered around for a minute or two.

I studied the photo. She was beautiful. Part of me wanted to fall into her arms and let her take charge again. I realized that I was a little turned on. Yes, Dr. Janet St. Clare, you can dominate me anytime you please.

What? What was I saying? This was crazy. I’d never wanted to just turn myself over to anyone!

Damn! I’d known her all of three hours and she had me in this condition? I guess she was an expert. I immediately switched to sss and searched through the titles of her books. I ordered a copy of the book Women in Power and Their s****l Problems to be delivered the next day. If it got here Saturday morning, I could read a bit of it before the concert.

There was a quote from the book: “Few allow themselves to fully experience either extreme edge of the power spectrum. They hold back, thinking they can overcome it by building fences that will keep them from tumbling off the cliff. What they don’t realize is that the lower and faster they plunge, the higher they’ll bounce back on the other side.”

Oh yes, the pendulum effect. Well, Dr. Janet St. Clare, I dived way down tonight, let’s see how high I can bounce back on Saturday night.

I sat back. I felt wonderful. I’d gone a full hour without being in charge, without having to make a single decision. How did I feel about relinquishing all control? I took a deep breath. Yes, it had felt good. It was the first time in over ten years and I’d survived. I also felt better about my old teaching experiences. I’d been carrying it around with me for almost twenty years, but it was in the past. I felt relieved. It seemed I’d made amends for whatever I’d screwed up back then.

Absentmindedly, I started to scratch my arms where the needle marks were. “My God! I’ve got to get over this,” I thought. I pictured myself on the podium saying “We can start the concert now if you want. Anyone want to set a tempo?”

* * * *

Saturday night had an extraordinary feel to it. The first half had gone so very well! Even the Debussy Marche Ecossaise that ended it was better than I’d imagined.

I went right into my dressing room without speaking to anyone. I had to take a few very deep breaths. My energy level was higher than it had been in quite a while.

How high did you bounce me, Mistress Janet St. Clare? I was more focused than I had been in ages. I felt ready for anything. I could take on the world.

Gail, the concert mistress, knocked on my door and came into my dressing room.

“Are you all right?” was the first thing she asked.

“Yes, I’m fine,” I answered. “Why?”

“You’ve had this strange look in your eyes,” she said. “And I’ve never felt you conduct like that.”

I had to laugh. “Yes, I’m okay. I had something happen this week that brought the music much clearer into my mind. I hope the orchestra will follow me.”

“Honey,” she said with a small laugh, “with that look in your eyes, everyone is afraid not to. No one dares to look away!”

We chuckled over that.

“What happened this week?” she finally asked.

“I got a new insight into my life. A lot of things that had been bothering me suddenly fell into place. I have a much clearer view of things, of my life…and the music now.”

“Wow. You’ll have to tell me about it. We should go out for a drink next week.”

I nodded. “Yes. I’m not sure I can explain it all, but I’ve been reading a fabulous book.” I reached to the floor beside my dressing table and showed her the book that had come this morning. “I met the author this week. She says a lot in there.”

“Women in Power and Their s****l Problems,” she read off the cover. She flipped the book over. There was a photo of the author on the back cover. “Hmmm, it must be a good book. I’ll have to read it when you’re finished.” She handed the book back. “I’ve heard of her. Wasn’t she on that late-night talk show a few months ago?”

I shrugged that I didn’t know as I set the book back on the floor.

“I think she was,” Gail continued.

Then there was a knock on the door.

“Two minutes, Shelby,” the stage manager called through the door.

“Thank you,” I called back.

“Well, we can talk about this later,” Gail said as she turned to leave. “See you onstage.” She walked out.

I checked in the mirror and refreshed my lipstick. Now I was ready for the second half. I picked up the score and my baton and went out into the wings.

The second half of the program was a new symphony. We were probably the third orchestra to perform it. The final movement was bombastic at the end. I hoped that we’d all survive it.

The hall lights dimmed as the stage lights rose. The stage manager motioned me to go onstage.