When Everything Changes

One: "Hello?"

It has been too long. 

The lockdown happened on March 17th. It is now February 10th. That is 331 days. 331 days of this new world, 331 days since I’ve seen my parents. 331 days since the spring festival. 331 days I've lived in hiding. 331 days of growing up twice as fast. 

I look out the window of the abandoned clock tower I've taken residence in. looking out onto the barren streets and I can't imagine the world we once had. There are no friendly neighbors waving at each other, there are no dogs on leashes barking happily, there aren't even flowers. But what else could I expect? With no one around to care for the garden, nothing will bloom. 

I watch the street. I've been watching it for 331 days, hopelessly hoping for things to be better. I hope every day that Olivia will come back safely. She leaves frequently to try and gather anything she can to help support us, food, supplies, even books if she can. I never want her to go, but she does. I don't try to stop her. We’re both stubborn like that. I would also never ask her to stay cooped up in this tower. I know everything that's happening has been getting to her and it's hard to hold. So I let her go, and just hope, hope, hope, she comes back. 

One time I looked out of the window and there was a young girl walking around the streets. I wanted to shout out to her to get away, to hide. But I myself was hiding, and that's the thing about hiding, in a game of hide and seek, it's everyone for themselves. There are no alliances, there is no one to trust. So no, I didn't call out to her. I watched her approach the howlers who pointed their guns straight at her head without hesitation, and I watched as they exchanged words. And I watched as they took her away. 

I wonder sometimes if she knew any better. If when she got separated from her family she thought they would help her get back. I may not ever know what happened to her, but I know she went with them to somewhere no one knows of. Maybe she found her family, maybe they hugged and exchanged words of relief. I wonder if the howlers took them too.

Then I blink and it's all gone. Zoning out is dangerous. There is no room to dream, no room to wonder. I blink and I'm back in my clock tower.

I've been thinking about two things in the 331 days I've had. 

It's been Olivia and I all this time. We sit in this tower together, we talk together, we learn together, we wish each other well. But soon, I am going to have to find others. I don't know how, but living like this is not an option. Sometimes I wonder if there is a rebellion out there. I'm not sure how I would get to it, but we need others. Anyone. I need to be better. I don't go out much, and when I do, I do everything I can to make it quick. But I can't live like this. I need to be tougher, harder, more daring. I can't always play defense. I know soon I will need to learn to do something else, if anything, for Olivia. I am fighting a battle by myself, and I cannot take on a thousand soldiers if I do not know how to wield a sword. So I put my blades in my pockets and stand from my spot from the window. I don't know if I yet have the will to drive a blade into a person until their last breath, but one day I will have to know, and have to hope that by then, I can. Because in a game of hide and seek, if you’re found, you’re out. 

The cities are dangerous to be in. They are most heavily populated and have the most howlers around. I'm not sure what the howlers do when they find someone out of place, what they do when they take them away. Maybe they keep the strong and kill the weak. That’s what I’ve read in the books I used to read when I was younger. Many societies that fall will build it back up at its strongest points. They cannot kill all the humans because then who would rule? What is the worth of power with no one to witness it? 

So no, I don't think everyone will die. But I am not sure I will survive. 

The clock tower is a good place to be because it gives you a view of the town from above. It's easier to see where people are and what's happening around you. So when the town seems quiet enough with the people cooped up as the nightly curfew comes around, that's when I move. 

It's both harder and easier to be out at night. Because of the curfew in place, everyone is in at eleven. I've learned that the best way to get around is just before the curfew. It's the time where people are just going inside, and it makes it easier to blend in if need be. 

In my case, I have to be careful with what I take food-wise. It's important to stock up on non-perishables and canned food which is easily stored and easy to carry so I can relocate in an emergency if worst comes to worst. Celery, carrots, and kale are all items that would be nice to have, but with my situation, it’s hard to store unless I’m planning to eat it all in one day. I've also learned that if I need to move, those foods will not work out. I learned the hard way that celery does not travel well. Chips and chocolate are not the best options, while they taste good, they won't sustain me in the long run. But I am smart enough to eat a cookie when I find it, it’s part of my plan to keep my sanity intact. I will not forget the taste of cookies, it’s then I will know I have truly lost. 

It's too easy to be seen at the front entrance of any store. And being seen is a gamble with your life. So I walk up to the side window already cracked open. It looks brand new, with a shiny glint to it and not a single fingerprint smudge on it. Based on the glass around it, I think the original one got broken in by a red rank. My Vans are not doing much to muffle the sound of the broken glass under my feet. 

I put both hands under the window and place my feet in a stable stance as I pull up, praying it doesn't squeak. The window opens smoothly, most likely due to it being brand new, and I lift my foot up to the sill of the window and push myself up, making it so I can balance on the edge and jump inside, bending my knees as I land much too loudly then I would have hoped. 

After a few moments of silence, making sure no one is here, I begin to hastily weave through the aisles, hoping I will find something useful. I walk through the shelves, checking up on top of the shelving and underneath where dust has begun collecting. I look through every aisle and I pick up the cans of food left behind and other items that will be of use to me. Things like toothbrushes and tampons and hair ties. With hair like mine, you always need hair ties. 

As lucky as it is to find a*****e with necessities like these, there is always the risk someone else will find me. Someone not so eager to see me. So I walk carefully through the rest of the empty store and when I feel I have taken what I can from what is left, things like nuts, matches, sorts of fabrics that I’ve been using to patch parts of my clothes, and canned foods, I make my way back over to the window I came from and I do my best to look through the smudged glass to see if anyone is around. After a few moments, I push myself up and through the window, careful of the glass when I land back outside. 

I remember to stick close to buildings and stay in the shadows. I take one of the hair ties I have and I put my hair up with it. Long hair can be a vulnerability so I do what I can to keep it up. I can't risk it giving me away with a gust of wind or getting caught in something.

My footsteps are loud to my own ears in the quiet surroundings. They may be loud, but socks are not good getaway footwear. So I leave them on. 

In one swift movement, I turn myself and basically slam into the brick wall against my back when a quiet but significant noise comes from across the street. I inch myself closer into the shadows and bend my knees, ready to run if needed. I'm suddenly very proud of myself for putting up my hair. If someone were to make a grab at me, my hair would most likely be my downfall. 

I dont move from my spot as I try to regulate my breathing, listening for any sort of noise that could clue me in to who’s around and where they're heading. 

“Hello?” 

A not-so-quiet whisper reaches my ears and I'm ready to turn and bolt when they end up raising their voice. 

“Hello?” 

I curse in my head, wanting so badly to tell this person to shut up before they give away not only my own position but anyone else around here. I don't care much for the other people, but if the howlers were to hear this person, they would come running in knowing he was out past curfew and this place would be swarmed with howlers and others hiding will be trying to run or fight. Fingers would be pointed, shots would be taken, there would be no way for me to run.

I slowly move my hand to my knife which is tucked just under my waistband and I pull it out, resting my hand comfortably on the handle. I don't know a lot about how to handle knives, but I know how to stab, and that's all I really need right now. It's not like I could practice, the howlers are like zombies, if they hear something out of order, they all come running. 

I hold the knife in my right hand, just behind my back, not wanting to give it away. I peek around the corner to catch a glimpse of the person on the street. He’s a kid, fourteen or fifteen, his dark brown hair is dirty and he tilts his head down as he makes his way down the street with a slight stumble every few steps. 

I wonder if he’s hurt, shot maybe. I wonder if he’s going to die, right here in front of me and anyone else looking. 

What I’m about to do is a risky move. This kid has already drawn attention to anyone around and if anyone looks over, they’ll see me as I run into the street and pull the kid away into the alley. 

I have to remind myself of my humanity and my goal to keep it. I take a sharp breath before I move into the street and hold my knife tighter, close enough to take a shot if he tries anything.

It's crazy to think that as children we’re taught to not run with scissors, and now I have to think of the possibility this kid has knives or guns on him ready to use, ready to kill. I have to stay on guard around a fourteen year old kid. 

I don't think he hears me yet, but the second I touch his arm, he inhales shallowly and jerks from my grasp, looking up at me wide-eyed. 

I whisper to him “what the hell do you think you're doing out here?” 

He rolls his eyes as if I am some sort of dirt he has to talk to and I have to fight to not push him back out into the street with a b****y nose. 

“None of your business,” he says as he crosses his arms. 

“It is my business if you’re out there about to get everyone in this whole town swarmed with your idiotic choices” I hiss at him. He has to understand there is a time for being arrogant and stuck up and now is absolutely not the time. 

I'm taken aback when his whole demeanor begins to crumble into something more scared, more fragile. At first, I’m skeptical. Olivia was a great pretender to get what she wanted, whether it was twenty dollars or ice cream for dinner. I love her so I let her get away with it, but this kid I do not love. He is a splinter under my nail that I need to get out and then move on.

“I didn't know what else to do.” His voice begins to tremble and I'm not sure what to do anymore. “I don't know what's going on and I lost my brother somewhere.” He hiccups at the mention of his brother and I suddenly feel a twinge of sympathy. Our circumstances are different, sure, but I can understand if I lost Olivia I would most likely feel similar emotions. 

Now I have to weigh my options. I can either help him with his problems and let him in, or I can continue working out my problems. I don't really want to deal with him, but maybe if we find his brother they could help me. They must have a place with food or people, maybe they know more than what I do and could help me figure out what to do. 

I try to remember the first thing I thought about up in the clock tower. We need others. 

Then again, I don't want to trust him or really anyone, but if I know anything, it’s that I can't navigate this world alone. I need allies and I need backup. People to lean on, people to help me. 

It’s hard to trust people, It’s always been Olivia and I for a long time. And now I have this kid. The kid with tears about to fall from his eyes and I don't have to remind myself of my humanity, my humanity does the work for me. 

But then he catches sight of my knife in my right hand, and he screams.