Risk It All

CHAPTER ONE

CHAPTER ONE

One year later

“You really don’t have to be nervous,” Lyssa said to Bri, the patient on her couch. “I know that it’s easy for me, as the therapist, to say that, but I promise you won’t be judged here.”

“Blaser seemed to think it was a good idea for me to talk to you,” Bri said. “He keeps mentioning you in conversation and well, I want to get him off my back, that’s why I came.”

“It’s a start,” Lyssa said with a smile and put her pen on the table next to her armchair. “Why don’t you tell me about your relationship with Blaser?”

“How much time do you have?” Bri asked, examining the rug on the floor between them.

The brunette doctor was confident and gregarious. Although her intrigue was subdued, Bri could feel Doctor Cutler’s genuine desire to get to the root of the problem. Being in the unfamiliar space of the immaculate doctor’s office, Bri wasn’t sure what to expect, which made her nervous. One thing she could talk about without any fear was Blaser Warner, the ex-boyfriend she’d once been in a relationship with for more than ten years.

“Blaser and my brother went to high school together, that’s how we met,” Bri said. “We started dating and kept on dating until Blaser went to prison.”

“When he was twenty-eight?”

Bri nodded. “That was six and a half years ago. Almost as soon as he got there, he broke up with me. He called me into visiting and told me that was it, we were over.”

“Had you ever broken up before?”

“Here and there, you know, for a few weeks, just over stupid things. But we were never with other people,” Bri said, rubbing her pinkie finger while she tried to think of a way to even up the playing field in the intimidating situation. “You’re going to marry Blaser’s brother? Colt never liked me. But I guess he told you that.”

“Colt doesn’t know anything about my patients,” Lyssa said. “And there’s no reason to assume he needs to.”

Blaser only knew Doctor Lyssa Cutler, the s*x therapist, because she was engaged to Colt, Blaser’s twin brother. Apparently, he had mentioned her trauma and Lyssa had offered to help. At first Bri was mad he’d brought up her shame with a stranger, but eventually had to admit Blaser only ever acted in her best interest. Offering up free therapy sessions with the woman soon to be his sister-in-law was his way of telling her it was okay to need help.

“Colt always thought Gary and I were the ones getting Blaser into trouble; that we were the reason for Blaser going to jail,” Bri said. “I guess he was right. They ran a chop shop together, Blaser and Gary, they stole cars and sold them for parts. It all started when we were teenagers because Blaser wanted to support me. My parents had gone, leaving Gary and me alone.”

“That must have been difficult for you.”

“Gary looked after me, and Blaser did too. I was seventeen when my parents left town. After that it was just the three of us. Their crew grew over the years and then Mattie started to dabble in his own endeavors.”

“Mattie Warner?” Lyssa asked, sitting back.

Bri looked up to see the doctor’s narrowed eyes and she couldn’t help but feel like a science project. “Yeah, Blaser’s older cousin.”

“I have never met him.”

“You won’t,” Bri said, shaking her head. “Colt hates him. Colt was the hotshot cop with the criminal cousin, he hated to admit to anyone, but everyone in the precinct knew it.”

“Let’s keep our focus on you,” Lyssa said, returning her clipboard from the side table to her lap. “You said that you and Blaser broke up six and a half years ago? How did you come to be in his life again now?”

“After he broke up with me, I moved to New Jersey to start a new life there. It was what he told me to do. Well not Jersey exactly, he said I deserved better and told me to get out there into the world to find it. So I went to Jersey and for the next five and a half years I tried to move on.”

“But you didn’t?”

“Blaser…” Bri said. Smiling, she squeezed her thighs together. “He’s not a usual type of guy. He’s powerful without being domineering and he’s sweet though he’d never show anyone but me. He’s not the type of guy a woman can just get over.”

“You pined for him?”

“I did try to move on,” Bri said, lifting her eyes to the doctor’s. “I really did, I promise, I dated other guys, but… But I was too curious about where he was and if he’d moved on… so I emailed him.”

“A year ago.”

“About that, yes,” Bri said. “We started talking on the phone and agreed to meet up.”

“What happened on the night of that date is what brings you here to me, isn’t it?”

“It didn’t go to plan. I went to the restaurant, I was waiting in there, but Blaser was late. I went outside to call him and find out where he was.”

“Can you tell me what happened?” Lyssa asked in an ever-patient voice.

“I’d rather not, you know… I’d rather not get into that in our first session.”

“Okay,” Lyssa said. “That’s completely fine and I’m glad that you were honest with me. It’s important that you are honest. You can always tell me if you’re uncomfortable with any subject, don’t ever feel under pressure.”

“Thanks. I mean, I’m sure I’ll maybe get there… though I can’t be sure, can I? But it is why I’m here, what happened that night is why I’m here.”

“I told Blaser that I would help you process that trauma and move on, that’s why he wanted you to come to me,” Lyssa said to Bri. “But we can’t expect it all to happen in one session.”

“No, I suppose not. I’ve been carrying my experience from last year with me since then. After it, I… I didn’t get in touch with Blaser. I shut myself off and stayed in Jersey. I didn’t want anything to do with anyone.”

“That’s understandable.”

“But my brother, Gary, was so worried about me, it was him that… He persuaded me to come home. He thought it was a good idea that I try to build a life for myself here, closer to home and family.”

“That’s a very good suggestion. Gary must care for you a great deal.”

“He does.”

Her brother wasn’t always the best at showing his emotions and they often manifested themselves in the wrong way. But Gary was her brother and the only family that she had left. Other than knowing her father was in prison, she had no other connection to relatives. Her mother had been AWOL ever since her father went inside.

“So you came back here?”

“Three months ago,” Bri said. “So many things have changed… but some things are just the same.”

“You mean Blaser?”

“Yeah,” Bri said. “I’m staying with a friend, at least I was until she took off ten days ago. But I’m still living in her apartment. I didn’t want to stay with Gary and get sucked into his world again. I wanted to still be independent. It would be too easy to rely on him to do everything for me.”

“That’s very sensible.”

“A few weeks ago, Blaser showed up at Erika’s door,” Bri said. Her faded smile returned when she replayed that night. After Erika answered the door and called her over, the vision of Blaser’s concerned scowl poured a warmth of familiarity into her. “We talked.”

“And you’ve been seeing each other since?”

“Not like that, not like seeing each other,” Bri said, certain she didn’t want Lyssa to get the wrong idea and pass those ideas on to her fiancé. “He’s come over a couple of times and we’ve talked. We talk on the phone. When Gary was arrested a couple of weeks ago, Blaser came straight to me, you know? He didn’t even care that I whaled on him for what happened between the two of them. He just… held me… You’re probably one of the few people who can understand what it’s like to be held by a man like Blaser. You’re marrying his twin.”

“When things are going wrong in my life, if I panic or I’m scared, there’s only one place that makes me feel better.”

“Right,” Bri agreed, thrilled that someone else could understand it. “They just make you feel like no matter what it’s going to be okay. That as long as they are there, and they can hold you…”

Her elation began to drain.

She didn’t notice the silence between her and Lyssa at first and couldn’t have verbalized the visions playing through her mind if she wanted to. All she could comprehend were the darts of ice meeting her skin as she considered the last time she’d thought like that.

“Maybe we should call time for today,” Lyssa said. “We just met this evening, and you weren’t expecting a full session. Would you like to call it quits or carry-on, Brianna?”

Snapping out of her enveloping trance, she shook her head. “No, I should probably go. I have some errands to run anyway.”

Lyssa stood up and reached for her hand. Bri bounced up off the couch.

“I’m really grateful that you chose to come here,” Lyssa said.

“I’m not sure you could say I chose it,” Bri said, trying to keep things light. “Since Gary went to jail, since you and Colt got engaged… Well, Blaser raves about you. It was very generous of you to offer your services.”

“Did you tell him that you were coming?”

“Blaser? No,” Bri said. “I wasn’t sure I was coming myself. I just… I felt awkward using the phone and I wanted to check you out for myself I guess.”

“I’m glad you did,” Lyssa said. “I know this is off the books, but would you like to make a follow-up appointment? I would like to continue working with you… there’s no harm in making the appointment, you can always cancel.”

Although reluctant to formalize the arrangement, she didn’t find it easy to say no. She’d never been the most assertive person. Perhaps that flaw stemmed from her history with Blaser and Gary. If there was a situation in which someone had to be told no, one of them always stepped in. It wasn’t a skill she had ever learned.

Still, she made an official appointment believing she could cancel it if necessary. She didn’t want to chicken out. Dealing with her trauma, processing it, was the only way to move forward.

The idea had been to come get a lay of the land, check out the doctor, and make an appointment in person. Given it was later in the day, she expected the doctor to be finished with patients. Except as soon as Lyssa answered the large front door of her townhouse, and Bri identified herself, the doctor had brought her inside, which was how they got talking.

After saying goodbye to Lyssa and getting out onto the street, she felt strangely liberated. Therapy, she’d assumed, would leave her feeling exposed and used. Instead, she was pleased to have taken another step toward recovery.

Other than picking up something for dinner, she didn’t really have any errands to run. As part of her own personal therapy plan, she bought a sandwich and went to the park to eat it. Throughout the last year, teaching herself to enjoy being outside again was tough. At first, every shadow and concealed corner seemed sinister. She had been jumpy and unwilling to turn her back to any open spaces.

A year after the event, she was much better at being outside in the open. She didn’t want to be complacent about that ease and was always careful about maintaining her schedule. So she ate her sandwich and watched a couple of squirrels in a tree before starting the long walk home.

Erika’s apartment, where she was staying, was more than an hour’s walk from Lyssa’s house. Not that she minded the exercise. With evening encroaching, getting home meant getting to bed. All she had to do was get there and then she could relax.

The moment she got to her floor, that dream evaporated. The apartment door was open. Creeping forward, she peeked in at the disaster area that was supposed to be her home. The whole place had been trashed.

Picking her way through the mess, she was standing dumbfounded when the door flew further open and banged off the wall. Startled, she pounced back and almost fell into the chaos before registering the sight of Mr. Lieberman, the apartment landlord.

“You’re gonna get your s**t and get the hell out, today!”

“No. No! I’m sorry, Mr. Lieberman. I’ll have it all fixed and cleaned up. I promise that—”

“No, no more of your promises, Brianna Wilcox! You are trouble! I want you out!”

Brianna watched the short, stocky landlord pivot and steam out of the apartment she’d been sharing with Erika for three months. For all the drama swirling around her at the moment, the only mistake that she’d made herself was believing Erika had cleaned up her act.

Erika’s boyfriend had taken off six weeks ago, leaving a great big mess of trouble trying to find him; one that she and Erika had been left to deal with. Trouble, Brianna thought looking around the trashed two-bedroom apartment. Clothes were scattered everywhere, furniture was turned over, crockery broken. Yes, the place looked like trouble had rocked up, flashed its dashing smile, and strolled straight back into her life.

She used to court trouble, to seek it out. Her brother worked on the fringes of legality, so she was no stranger to cops. And Blaser… he was a bad boy straight out of every girl’s wet dream.

Bending to pick up a chair, she scanned the riot of objects scattered all over. Tidying up was likely to take the rest of the night. She could get it done but doubted it would change Mr. Lieberman’s mind about letting her stay. Erika had taken off ten days ago to get away from her boyfriend’s trouble. Being that Erika was the only one on the lease, Brianna shouldn’t have stayed after that.

The landlord had turned a blind eye to her staying in the first place after Bri had used her Bambi act and persuaded him she was really in dire straits. She hated to act pathetic and hated to ask for favors, but she hadn’t expected to stay for long. Since Erika had left ten days ago neither Bri nor the landlord had voiced the obvious fact that she was living there alone and illegally.

Glancing at the door, she speculated as to how long it would take Rafe and his cronies to show up again. Rafe was the dealer looking for Erika and her boyfriend. His squad would delight in doing this kind of work. She couldn’t even kid herself that staying there would be safe. Whoever had done this job for Rafe kicked in the door to gain entry. Her only choice was to get her stuff and get out.

As much as she hated running away from responsibility, and the mess technically was her responsibility, she was the last man standing on one side of a war she hadn’t been around to start. The abode was hardly the Ritz. Erika and her boyfriend had long ago destroyed or sold anything decent in the apartment. Upkeep had been neglected too, so it struggled to call itself watertight. The state of the apartment hadn’t bothered her, she’d only come back to town on the pleadings of her brother.

Gary had told her to stay with him, he’d practically begged. But being sucked back into living like her brother, paycheck to paycheck or dabbling in illegality, wasn’t a positive forward step. Staying with Erika in the hope of maintaining her independence hadn’t exactly worked out.

Being back home had its disadvantages and advantages, the biggest example of both presented itself when Blaser came knocking on her door. Erika had warned off Bri’s ex when he showed up unannounced. But it didn’t matter what Erika said. Very little would sway Blaser Warner once he’d made up his mind about something.

Gathering up some clothes, and what she could find of her other possessions, Brianna tidied as she went along. The suitcase that she’d originally brought was broken, but she managed with a duffel bag and large tote. Erika and her boyfriend were gone. They weren’t coming back to chase old luggage.

She was just about ready to leave but slowed in her collecting. What was the plan? Where would she go? Her brother was the only person she’d relied on growing up. Any so-called friends in the area wouldn’t be any safer than Erika.

Gary wasn’t an option anyway. He was doing his own time in jail, awaiting trial because they couldn’t afford bail and no bondsman would stand up for him. Hooking the strap of the tote over her shoulder, she let her eyes drift to the window. Only one other person in the world loved her as much as Gary did. One person whom, from everything she’d heard, had gotten his act together.

Just like her, Blaser wasn’t a part of that world they came from anymore. He would never get her involved in anything criminal or abandon her if things got rough. None of that meant Blaser wasn’t trouble. Blaser was the kind of trouble a girl could never tell her mother about, at least he used to be.

She could still remember hearing the words as he broke up with her in that cavernous prison space. The moment the syllables hit her ears she’d gone numb, her ears rang. In truth, they were still ringing six and a half years later.

Except she was stuck, with little money and little choice, she had to risk opening that door again. She would just have to figure out how to keep him on the other side of her threshold because if he came inside… all hell would break loose.