Frission

1

Darkness swirled in endless circles in front of my open eyes. No being except me, nothing. Just me and my thoughts fighting demons inside my head. Demons that I don’t know for how long took residence inside my head. No sound except the sound of my very own breathing and water drops falling somewhere in the pit of that darkness.

Drip, drip, drip.

Can you hear that or have you gone deaf too?

They whispered in my head taunting me, playing with me. The thoughts of light that tried so hard to pull me out of my own darkness were pushed back by every other dark thought piling inside my head.

You have gone blind and you know it too. They whispered. You can’t see anything. Nothing, except that swirling darkness in front of your eyes.

No I was not blind. I was not. It was just darkness, plain darkness. Darkness that never left my sight for long. How long? Even I was not aware of it.

Then tell me what light looks like?

Light. The word tasted so familiar on my tongue. So mine yet so strange. So near yet so far away. Away. Away from this darkness, from me. Beyond this wall of endless darkness.

Say it.

I tried. Tried so hard yet could not utter it.

Say it.

I am trying. I am trying.

No you are not. They seethed.

I am.

You are not trying, you never did.

I did.

No you did not. They laughed menacingly.

I did. I did try. You don’t know. I tried.

When? Tell us dear? When did you try?

I thought. Tried to think back to time when I tried. I tried so hard to think yet nothing. No thought, no memory came to my mind but I know I tried. I had tried. I did try.

They laughed loudly. So loud that their voices hit against the walls of my head. Laughter so loud and so taunting. You know you didn’t. You never did.

Shut up.

They laughed more loudly.

I said shut up.

They kept on laughing. Mocking me.

“SHUT UP, SHUT UP SHUT UP.”

Silence.

Utter silence. No voice except my own harsh breathing and that water dripping somewhere.

A metal door slammed open. Like every other time I expected light to creep in, to show me how it looked like but again it was another failed hope of mine. Loud footsteps thumped against the concrete floor.

A mask of blankness fell over my face. Crawling over my bruised knees I held metal bars in my hands. A mad smile creeped on my face as those footsteps stopped in front of me. I could feel eyes on me. Could feel cruelty dripping from him like blood from a dying person. Then again, I had forgotten what blood from a dying person would actually look like. I had a memory of it but it was hidden somewhere in a long forgotten dark corner of my mind. I had that memory but it was an ugly memory but it was stained with uglier dents and bumps of empty time spent in this dark cell.

A chuckle escaped my lips at the thoughts swarming in my head.

“Something funny little one?” The person that I had forgotten was standing in front of me, said. “Mind sharing?”

“Yes.” A mocking smile and that clipped answer was all I gave him in return.

“Still that attitude.” Voice of honey. “And still that fire.” And cruelty of a wicked god. In deep endless darkness, the face of that man still remained concealed.

I tilted my head to the side and stared at the hidden man radiating energy of utter wickedness. “You never showed me your face.” Chains cackled against the metal bars as I moved my hands against them.

He was not normal, that I knew. Not humanly, something else. Something entirely inhumane. Something wicked and dangerous. Stripped of every good, leaving layers upon layers of evil behind.

But what was I?

Human, or something else. Again, I only had memory of what a human was but it too was unclear. Hidden beneath a pile of darkness. But I knew one thing.

No matter what I was in the past, I am dead now. A shell of what I used to be. A breathing corpse of whatever I was.

“Ah, the games you like to play.” Voice so soft, so near that I could feel warm breaths of that person falling over my face. A hand grazed my stained cheeks through those bars erupting a volcano beneath my skin. Volcano of hatred.

“You want to see light, feel it.”

I kept silent. No words, just tilted my head to the side. Squinting my eyes in the dark to see him. To see what my captor looked like. I know he could see me. Even through this rippling darkness.

“You are a monster, you know?” I murmured against his hand. Cold, yet soft on my skin. “A predator, a slave to wickedness.”

A throaty laughter erupted from him. Rich with humor and void of sanity. A cold shiver ran down my spine at the sound of it. “How do I break you? Tell me, little one.”

In the midst of utter silence that followed his honest question, I stared ahead. In blankness, in darkness. Finding something to look at, something to keep me from falling into insanity.

Break me.

But he had broken me. He did not know it but he had broken me beyond repair and I have no plan to let him know that, never.

“You are my captor. You would know better.” I caressed his hand on my cheek softly. Wishing to break his fingers into pieces. Tiny little pieces, just to hear the sound of them breaking.

A sensual chuckle before he gripped my hairs tightly in his fist and tugged my head back. “Count yourself lucky that you are not to be touched, or…” He trailed off leaving my imagination wild, leaving me to imagine things he could do to me.

He was a vile creature, that I knew and knew so clearly. He could not do anything to me except for breaking me mentally. Why? That I too didn’t know. But he had done a great job at his task. He didn’t know it but he had succeeded in doing it.

I had become a broken doll, with no memories of who I was, what I was.

What I was?

What I was?

What I was?

Round and round spinned that question inside my head. Over and over again I tried to collect those tattered pieces of memories. Of dingy memories and of gay ones. Again and again I failed.

What was I?

Drip, drip, drip.

Who was I?

Drip, drip, drip.

How do I break you?

Drip, drip, drip.

You want to see light, feel it.

Drip-

BAM.

And the sound of chaos reached my ears. Screams, roars, cries and on and on, sounds I didn’t want to hear yet reached me. Agony of thousands clung to them, tearing through them.

The earth shackled beneath my feet. Metal chains rattled as I gripped the bars of the cell tightly. I looked toward where the entrance was supposed to be. Desperation in my eyes, years of agony in mind.

Save me. A plea.

Help me. A cry for help.

Please get me out. A voice of desperation.

Chaos went on. Wails of dying ones louder and louder. I hated it, it hurt my ears but my desperation overpowered every other emotion at the moment.

“Get me out of here.” I wailed, jerking the metal bars harshly. Chains clancked, metal against metal, my cries muffled in endless silence.

“PLEASE SOMEONE HELP.”

Chaos went on, cries went loud and louder. World went on with me, without listening to me and my cries. Without hearing my pleas of help.

A tear dared to trickle down my cheek. Another, then another and many more. More and more I wailed. Each cry more desperate than before, but to no avail. My voice went scratchy, my throat hurt, bruised knees now felt the pain which was numb for so long.

Once glimmery white satin dress now stained with dirt stuck to my body like second skin. Not because it was tight on my skin but because of sweat that covered my whole body due to continuous struggle for help.

To get someone’s attention to help me.

A door slammed somewhere. Loud footsteps thumped on the concrete floor. Not the ones I’ve been hearing since as long as I can remember. Not graceful as my captor, but rough. More… impatient.

Something sparked inside me. A glimmer of something bright, something that brought me alive. Hope, it was hope. Hope that maybe someone was here. Maybe that someone could help me. Help me get out of this abyss of endless wickedness.

Maybe that this thing called hope is really a good thing.

“Please help me.” A throaty whisper of silent plea. “Please.”

They stopped right in front of me. A moment of empty silence, then a long breathy sigh. “What do you say?” A rough voice, low and so roguish.

Then again an empty silence followed.

They contemplated, feet tapping impatiently on ground. They had no time to think.I gripped bars tightly, pleading through my face. I knew that they could see me, even through this blinding darkness. My captor could, and I knew that they could too.

“Please.”

“Break it.” And the sounds of metal snapping was heard before I was yanked up by chains on my hand.

“Get away from here, as fast as you can.” Same gruff voice said which gave the order. I nodded swiftly letting tears crawl down my cheeks to drop down on the floor.

Hope.

It is a good thing.

Someone snapped the chains around my wrist letting them fall down on the ground. Same did with chains around my foot. I twisted my hands, arms, trying to look at them through all the blackness but still could not.

I felt free, even if I was still inside the same dark cell which kept me captured for so long yet I felt free. Free from the chains holding me in their tight bruising grip for so long. Chains that held me from hope. Any hope to get away from this misery.

Hope.

Now I finally believed in it.

“You follow us out and from there we never saw each other. We never met or…” A threat, the words that trailed off. If they see me again, I will not be spared.

I walked after them, my steps slow and wobbly. Edges of still soft satin brushed my thigh as I trailed after them. Bruises burned, scratches pained, my muscles cried at the burden of my body put on them after so long.

A streak of brightness sneaked in from between a nearly closed door. A door so far away from my cell. The brightness fell on the ground so far away from the door. So pure, so holy, so rich it felt as I brought my hand under it.

So warm.

It was light.

A thing I was kept away from for so so long.

“Hurry up.”

I jumped at the roughness of that sound. Willing my footsteps to hurry, I walked fastly after them. My eyes squinted as blinding light fell on me as soon as the door opened completely. It blinded me under its harsh stares.

“Goodbye.” I turned toward the men who released me. My eyes slowly adjusting to the blindingly harsh light. Three men appeared in front of me.

Amber eyes were the first thing I noticed about them. Rich pure honey swirled in them, thick murky and so deep.

And they walked away just like that before I could say anything to them. Before I could pay my gratitude to them.

“Thank you.” My soft whisper got lost in the loud noise of what was going in front of me, so did they.

It was hell going on in front of me.

Blood painted the ground, swords slashed, roars of pain surfaced to the sky.

It was abbadon of misery going on in front of me.

Blood splashed in the air, bones cracked, the sound of flesh tearing arose.

It was a m******e going on in front of me.

Death lingered in air. Ready to take anyone who got even a little weak inside this hell. Its arms opened to take as many souls as it could.

No one saw me. No one noticed me until now until a very familiar voice reached my ears. The soft wicked voice, the same voice that promised me unending agony every time it spoke to me.

“Where do you think you are going, little one?” A tremble in my hand, electricity ran down my spine.

Years and years of mental torcher played in my mind. I did want to look at the face belonging to that voice.

“Turn around.”

I did not want to turn around.

I didn’t want to go in there again. In that pit of darkness that kept me locked for so long. That took myself from me, tearing it away from me slowly and so painfully.

Maybe hope was really a b***h.

It was a b***h.