The Wolf's Song

Questions, Temptations, Secrets

Diana

“Diana. Oh, my goodness, Diana...” On the other end of the line, my mother began to cry, and my heart immediately broke. I knew that voice, that tone.

As a little girl, she always pretended in front of me that she was strong; she never cried when I could see her, but at night, I would hear her. I used to sneak down the hallway in the dark and up to the light in her room, and I would see her as she tried to quiet the pain by hiding her face in the pillows.

She pretended for me, and in return, I pretended for her not to notice those mornings when her eyes would dawn red from the sleepless hours. Being a single mother must not have been easy, I thought, but to do it knowing that the love of your life was somewhere in the world and that he left you without even giving you a reason, a reason why

“Mom, don’t cry, please... I promise you everything will be all right.”

“How can you say everything is all right? I’ve seen the news. How could you not tell me this was so bad?”

“I didn’t want you to worry more than you should,” I told her. “And I know you would if I told you what happened. But I’m fine, Mom. It was just a scare.”

“A scare!” she shouted on the other end of the line. “Diana, you haven’t even been at Bamberg for two months, and already your life has been in danger twice.”

“That’s not quite true...” I started to retort.

“I want you to come back,” she said determined, her voice firm, beyond the tears that I knew were spilling from her eyes, and I knew exactly what expression was fixed on her face. “I want you to reschedule your ticket and get back to New York right now, or I’ll take the next flight and drag you home if I have to.”

“Mom,” I started to say, trying to make my voice sound firm because I knew well that she was capable of doing exactly what she said. “I know you are worried, but you have to listen to me: nothing is going to happen to me. What has happened is just a series of unfortunate events.” I joked, but I didn’t hear her laughing, and I knew how upset she was. “But I promise you, everything is fine, and although I know you find yourself worried, you don’t have to be. I like Bamberg and I want to stay here a little longer.”

“It’s because of the boy, isn’t it?”

I bit my lip again, knowing that was where she had got me, at least in part. Calling Michael a “boy” wasn’t exactly accurate, but well, I hadn’t told her how old he was either because I knew that was a point at which she could go crazy--a stranger older than me showing up out of nowhere and making me fall madly in love while making me forget about everything else... My love story was becoming too much like his for him to be happy with that fact.

“It’s not just about Michael, Mom,” I promised her. And it’s true, at least in part. “I like Bamberg, and I’m learning things here. I like being with Martha, I like the quietness of this place...”

“What quiet, Diana? Your life has been in danger more times there than in the city with me. Listen.” She changed the tone of her voice, and I paid for the book and walked out of the bookstore as I could almost hear her brain machining a way to get her point across. “I understand that this boy has you spellbound and that everything seems beautiful now... But your life goes beyond this. You have a life in New York; a life that awaits you and that you can’t leave just because of some boy...”

“Mom, Michael is not ‘just a boy,’” I started to say, already a little tired of the subject, “and I’m old enough to make these decisions. You raised me right. I’m not giving up my life for anyone. It’s just... Well, it’s just that I’m discovering that part of my life is here too, and I don’t want to give that up,” I admitted.

She was silent, the words, stuck inside her head.”I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did,” she said.

“I won’t make them,” I promised, knowing that when she said “mistake” she didn’t mean me or having had me. She meant my father, the way she loved him, never being able to forget him. More than twenty years had passed, and she had not been able to forget him.

I never understood it until now, because I had never loved anyone as she loved my father, until now. How would I feel if our story were to end in just another month or two if he were to leave without a trace behind him to follow… No. My heart clenched in my chest and my breath caught. I knew Michael would never do that to me, but the possibility of losing him weighed so heavily on my chest that I felt like I could burst into tears too.

Still, something in my words seemed to have calmed her down, if only a little. At least she understood that I was not backing out of this; that she couldn’t change my mind.

She sighed, and I heard her sniffle. I walked by Bamberg as she chose her words to respond, but instead, I got a little ahead of her words:

“Mom, what was Dad like? I mean, you’ve told me parts of the story, but they’re all so... so fleeting. I don’t really know much about him.”

She was silent for a moment, and I wondered if this was the ideal time to bring up the subject, but finally, she said, “Oh, he was lovely. He had such amazing green eyes like yours.” She laughed, and I smiled too. “He was extremely talented and cultured. I loved to listen to him in the evenings when he read to me in other languages. I usually didn’t understand anything he said, but he seemed to enjoy it.”

“You never told me that Dad spoke several languages,” I said in a whisper, feeling moved by that detail.

“Yes, he did. He was an extremely talented and cultured man. I never knew where he kept so much knowledge. He could speak at least seven languages, maybe more, and for everything he had an answer.”

“He reminds me a little of Michael,” I admitted, smiling softly. “I mean, he’s good at everything, or at least, he seems to be.”

“And does he treat you well?” she asked, unable to help to be a mother.

“Yes, he does,” I admitted. “He’s kind, he’s polite, he’s attentive, he’s...”

“Perfect?” she finished for me.

“Yes,” I whispered.

She sighed. “Oh, Diana... Go easy on this guy, okay? And remember that you have a life to continue here. No one is worth so much to leave your dreams behind...” I nodded and agreed with her, just to drop the subject, because I knew that otherwise, she would keep insisting on this. At least she was calmer now.

Our conversation lasted a little longer and then she said goodbye, assuring me that if anything else happened, even if it was small, she would come looking for me. I promised her that there would be no more wolf accidents and that I won’t accidentally step on my fingers with a door, thus forever ruining my chances with music, and we said goodbye.

As I locked the phone, I was left thinking, my thoughts lost on Michael... And then, dancing to my father. I didn’t even own a picture of him, but I knew he had blond hair, wore glasses, and had a thick, bushy beard. Mom said my smile looked like his, and I knew it hurt her sometimes to see me because she saw so much of his face in mine.

Thinking about it made me think again of Michael, and what it would be like to experience something similar with him, could I do it? I wondered. Moving forward with a child of both of us in between, but without Michael noticing all those details. How our little boy would have his smile or his eyes. The very thought made me snap in two, and I walked, as I pushed the painful ideas out of my head.

I had always thought my mother was a bit fragile in some ways, but only now did I understand her true strength. I couldn’t go on if I lost Michael... I couldn’t do what she had done. And only now did I understand that I couldn’t lose him, not now, that I had understood what it was like to be loved by him.