Tainted Love

Who am I?

The rest of the week went by rather quickly. I’d already started my reading list early for advanced English, nothing passed the time for me like a good book. Mariah had been texting and calling me relentlessly but it still wasn’t something I wanted to deal with just yet. I knew I would have to eventually answer her calls but I was fully prepared to push it off for as long as humanely possible.

Jordan was sitting at my vanity applying a heavy amount of makeup in preparation for tonight’s party. “I really think you should come.” She said in a half whine as she finished piling gobs of glitter to her eyelids. The party she was going to was supposed to be at Jessie’s frat and that was the last place I wanted to go.

I’d heard from Ryan that Jessie and Emily were basically becoming a thing around campus and I was embarrassed that I had ever even considered he could have been interested in me, even if i didn’t want a boyfriend I was still hurt.

“Come on Tasha, you’ve been in bed for a week reading books; you’re getting pale.” I’ll give her that one, there was barely a few shade difference between my skin and the white wall.

“I don’t even have enough time to get ready before you leave, plus everyone’s going to be staring at the bruise on my nose.” I was internally starting to consider that maybe I wanted to go because I was starting to get stir crazy. I almost told her yes when I realized one crucial detail, there was no way I could get ready in the 30 minutes before Austin picked her up. Looking over at me she giggled loudly before she stood up and pointed to the vanity chair.

“Sit down, you’d be surprised what I can do in half an hour.” I crossed the room hesitantly and did as she said, a bottle of vodka was forcefully shoved into my hand as I reassured myself that if I didn’t look good after she was done I could just stay home.

“Drink it, it’ll help you relax.” With no more fight left in me I did as I was told and started drinking.

Less than 25 minutes later she had finished working her magic and I was transfixed by the girl staring back at me. Jordan had dressed me in a skin tight white low cut dress, it was short sleeved accentuated my curves and bust at the same time; thankfully it paired well with my favorite pair of white wedges. They were the best pair of shoes I owned to wear on a night out because they weren’t hard on your feet.

To my surprise Jordan had figured out a way to apply concealer to the deep bruise on my nose and you could barely see it if you weren’t looking for it, it was an ugly reminder of what happened that night and I couldn’t wait for it to be gone. Standing up gingerly I headed for the body mirror on the inside of the bathroom door so I could check myself out.

Tipping the bottle back I took an extremely large gulp before I handed it back over to Jordan. “I don’t even look like me.” The surprise in my tone was evident as I twirled around in front of the mirror.

“Oh s**t babe, I’m sorry you don’t like it. I can change your makeup a little bit if you want. We still have five minutes before Austin gets here.” She bent forward to grab a makeup wipe as I cut her off. “No it’s the total opposite, I love it.” I made my way back across our room and pulled her into a genuine hug, she wouldn’t ever know how beautiful she’d made me feel tonight.

-

Austin and Ryan decided that it was probably better to walk to Jessie’s frat instead of driving, he didn’t want to leave his jeep there overnight and I didn’t blame him for that. The vodka that I had drunk back at my dorm felt like hot fire in my veins as I stumbled a little on the way out of my dorm. Thankfully Ryan was there to catch me easily and I swung my hand around his waist in gratitude. “Hey you better be careful, I don’t want you to damage that pretty face anymore than you already have.” He said with an easy smile.

I knew what he was up to, but honestly I didn’t care. I hadn’t been touched by any man for a long time unless you counted Jessie and I was more lonely than I cared to admit. I allowed Ryan to gently guide me on the walk to the frat with his hand behind my back. We all took turns taking swigs from the bottle of vodka Jordan had brought in her big purse, and by the time we had reached the lawn 15 minutes later I was pretty drunk.

Jessie’s frat wasn’t much different on the outside than any other frat I had seen. There was the usual crowd of drunk guys on the front lawn chanting some stupid song as we approached the door. To my surprise, the inside was a lot nicer than Austin's fraternity by a mile. It had the same layout with the bedrooms upstairs but the furniture inside was a lot nicer and the walls were covered in tasteful pictures instead of brown and yellow stains. Even the people at this party seemed to be a step up from the other fraternities I’d visited in the past.

Ryan and I slowly made our way through the group of drunk college kids until we found a couch that wasn’t covered in people. I half sat, half fell into Ryan’s lap with a drunk giggle. One similarity between the two frats was that the coffee table was covered in different types of alcohol free for the taking. A small stack of unused red solo cups sat on the edge of the table but I ignored those as I reached for a full bottle of tequila. Jordan and Austin had finally made their way inside and sat next to me and Ryan.

“Hey, should we stick to vodka or do you think I’ll be alright if I have some tequila?” I asked Jordan as I lifted the bottle up sloshing some of it onto the floor. I had to shout loudly over the music that blared through the living room; I was definitely going to lose an ear drum by the end of the night.

But Jordan wasn’t looking at me, she was looking past me towards the stairs and I followed her eye line to see what was so interesting. I was met with the sight of the last two people I wanted to see.

Jessie was making his way down the stairs towards us, and he was laughing loudly as he held Emily’s hand. Hurt swelled deep in my heart at the sight of him with another girl but I quickly stuffed the pain as deep down as I could.

Two could play at this game I thought to myself as a devious grin spread across my face. Leaning back against Ryan I allowed his arm to drape over my shoulder casually, I knew I was playing a dangerous game by choosing Ryan but I was prepared for the consequences, or so I thought. I’d never been close enough to notice Ryan’s cologne in the past so it surprised me when waves of nostalgia washed over me, it reminded me of a candle I had in my foster home called sandalwood and sea salt.

Jessie and Emily were so consumed with one another that they didn’t even notice me until they were sitting less than a foot away from me. She gave me a nasty grin indicating she had won the guy I wanted, then proceeded to wrap Jessie’s arms around her torso tightly while snuggling into his neck.

I assumed she’d probably heard what had happened between me and him from Jordan. I knew Jordan meant well but she honestly couldn’t keep her mouth shut to save her life and this was a prime example of that.

“Hey what’s up man!” Ryan yelled excitedly over the music towards Jessie. Instead of answering him, I followed Jessie’s locked gaze to the arm that was draped casually over my shoulder by Ryan. There was a silence so awkward between everyone that you could have heard a pin drop if it wasn’t for the blaring music. Jordan was quick to fill the awkward gap in the conversation, for the first time she had finally picked up on some social cues.

“Hey, how about we play a game of truth or dare?” She yelled over the music. I took back what I had previously though, no one in their right mind would suggest truth or dare during such a tense situation; but there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it now so I played along with her narrative. I put on the most convincing smile I could muster as I answered her.

“Yes! That’s a great idea!” Leaning forward to the selection of alcohol on the table I went with the bottle of tequila I’d picked earlier, maybe this was becoming my alcohol of choice?

-

“Who’s going first?” Austin screamed over the music. “I will.” Jessie was no longer looking at me because he had consumed himself with playing with Emily's dress straps instead.

“Emily, truth or dare?” I was leaning as far into Ryan’s chest as I could, surprisingly he took my lead and wrapped his arm tighter around my shoulder.

“Ummm, I think I’ll go with truth.” I could see that this answer was calculated, she didn’t want me to embarrass her in front of Jessie so she took what she thought was the easy way out. But what she didn’t know was that I had been betting on her picking truth and I was fully ready to destroy her.

“Okay..” I did the best performance I could as I pretended to decide her fate.

“How many people have you slept with?” I couldn’t control the devious look on my face as I watched all the color drain from her cheeks, in an effort to stop myself from laughing I took another large swig from my bottle. You could plainly see that she hadn’t expected this question and was looking for any way out. Jessie almost seemed completely uninterested in our game to the average eye, but I’d been around him long enough to tell when he was trying to seem uninterested. Emily glanced up at me through her heavily applied makeup and said exactly what I’d predicted she would.

“Pass.” She screamed over the music as she took a shot, returning my glare with a prominent dirty look that sent me completely over the edge. What came out of my mouth next was completely fueled by rage and alcohol.

“What’s the matter, are you embarrassed by the fact that you're a huge slut?” Everyone dropped what they were talking about and turned to look at me with expressions mixed with shock and horror. Jordan just about fell over the arm of the couch and attempted to hide her surprise with a small coughing fit.

“What can I say, I enjoy a good f*****g every now and again. But you wouldn’t know anything about that because you're a prude little virgin.” Emily leaned her head back and nuzzled Jessie's neck just to add fuel to the fire she’d just started. It took every fiber of my being not to rip this little sluts head off in front of everyone. I moved to stand and Ryan held me in place firmly by the hips, I think he could tell by my breathing I was at my wits end with this b***h. If there was an award for looking everywhere but at my face, Jessie would have won first place.

“Okay kids, let's just chill out. Who’s turn is it?” Austin was desperately trying to smooth things over because he wasn’t the confrontational type.

“I’ll go.” Jordan said with a smile, she had always tried to entice this side of me and had never been successful. I could tell she was fired up to see the sassy side of her best friend that she’d been trying to provoke for a year.

“Tasha, truth or dare.” She asked with a perfect smile.

I could tell that Ryan was starting to get considerably drunk because his grip on my waist was getting stronger, his hands kept wandering up my thighs and he was trying to reach between my legs in front of everyone.

I moved to push his arm away and for the first time all night Jessie actually looked my way. He looked furious and I took note that I had finally figured out what made him acknowledge me. Wanting to push my boundaries to see how far I could go with this I answered Jordan.

“Dare.” I knew what she was going to say before the words had even left her lips, it was the same thing she’d dared me to do thousands of times in the past.

“I dare you to kiss Ryan.” She had the biggest smile of triumph on her face, after months of trying tonight was about to be the night she’d succeed.

“She won’t do it, she’s a prude; remember?” Emily laughed as she took a shot of whiskey. What I did next surprised everyone including myself as I looked straight into Jessie’s eyes, which I might add were now glued to me. Leaning over to Ryan I pressed my lips against his and the first thing I noticed was how strong the alcohol was on his breath. He kissed me back forcefully, a little too forcefully if I was being honest. I tried to pull away from him but his grip on my waist was strong and I struggled to break free of him. I eventually pulled my face away from his and attempted to get up out of his lap.

“Ryan stop”. At this point he was trying to move his hands up my thighs towards my underwear, I tried to push them down but his hands were a lot stronger than mine.

“Seriously Ryan stop it,” What happened next made my entire world rotate. Jessie had stood up from his couch and all in one motion crossed the short space and ripped me firmly by the hips out of Ryan’s grasp.

“What the f**k are you doing?” I screamed as I pushed his hands off of my waist forcing him to let me go.

“You told him to stop, so I’m stopping it. Come upstairs and talk to me.” Surprised by Jessie’s response i complied. I could see some confusion in Jordan’s expression and I nodded towards her to silently convey I was alright. I allowed Jessie to drag me upstairs, before we reached the top I took one final look towards my friends and noticed that Emily was no longer sitting on the couch. I scanned the living room quickly trying to find her smug face but she was nowhere in sight.

I allowed Jessie to drag me forcefully behind him until we reached the door he was aiming for. Once there I ripped my arm free from his firm grasp as he ushered me into what I assumed to be his bedroom. He shut the door behind me harshly and locked it with a loud click.

“What the f**k is your-“ before I could get the rest of my sentence out he forcefully grabbed my waist and pulled me towards him. I let out a surprised gasp as he wrapped his arms firmly around me and I looked up into his eyes, in this lighting they appeared to be a warm hazel color with small flecks of black color spotting them. I inhaled his scent deeply, getting drunk on the warmth of his body against mine.

“Tell me you want me to kiss you.” He spoke softly but harshly as he tilted his head down to look at me fully. He had the type of effortlessly long eyelashes that women paid a lot of money to acquire.

“Yes.” I whispered softly, surprising myself as I focused on his soft mouth. “Yes what?” He was going to force me to say it.

“Yes I want you to kiss me.” I said shyly. With my confirmation he slowly cupped my chin with one hand and began kissing me softly. It started as a gentle loving kiss that gradually switched into a deep passionate one. He let my hands wander freely across his chest and I could feel the firmness of his muscles through his shirt. Every area his hands touched me lit a fire of desire deep within my core. I felt him gently lift me up and lay me on his bed.

“What are you doing?” I asked breathlessly as he laid on top of me, propping himself with his arms.

“I want to make you feel good.” His voice was and husky as he continued to kiss me deeply. This lit a fire between my legs that burned with desire.

“Do you have a condom?” I asked in between the gentle assault of his tongue.

“Yes.” He said as he started gently kissing my neck.

“Are you sure this is what you want?” He asked as his eyes searched mine.

“I don’t know,” I answered honestly, I I’d only been with one other guy so I knew this was a bad idea but I wasn’t thinking rationally anymore. The heat between my legs had made its way to my face and I could feel how flushed I probably looked. I allowed him to gently caress the inside of my thighs and groaned eagerly for more. He slowly moved his hands closer to my core while expertly watching my expression to make sure I was okay with this. He stopped abruptly right before touching my panties and looked up at me for confirmation.

“Do it.” I asked breathlessly.

With this final confirmation he pulled me strongly by my legs so I was laying short-ways across his bed allowing him to kneel between my legs. I let out a gasp of surprise at his strong quick movement but I didn’t try to stop him, my body was screaming for pleasure and I felt dizzy in a good way.

With one swift movement he pulled my already damp panties down and tossed them on the floor beside the bed. Slightly embarrassed by my body’s response from barely being touched I buried my face in my hands. I felt him slowly move his warm hands up my thighs until he was gently caressing me between my thighs, my brain was about to pop from enjoyment. Looking up at me intently he began to rub me, I spread my legs wider in acceptance of this feeling as he gently inserted a finger into my core. A deep moan of surprised escaped my covered lips.

“Am I hurting you?” He stopped abruptly. “ No, please don’t stop.” All I could think about now was how amazing his hands felt.

“Look at me.” He said with finality. I couldn’t bring myself to and covered my hands with my face again. He suddenly pulled his hands away from me and my body screamed in opposition.

“What are you doing?” I said through the hands covering my face.

“You either look at me now, or I’m leaving.” He started to stand.

“I can’t.” I was embarrassed to admit how bad I wanted him to continue. I grabbed his hand firmly and pushed it back up against the inside of my thighs.

“Yes you can.” My body finally betrayed me as I pulled my other hand away from my face and looked into his beautiful hazel eyes.

“Tell me how bad you want this.”

“I want this more than anything I’ve ever wanted.” I spoke with a constricted throat. He smiled to himself as he reinserted his fingers.

I had never been touched by a man like this and it didn’t take long for me to melt into him. Reaching my climax he bent down to place gentle kisses on the inside of my thighs.

-

“Do you want to go share a smoke?” He asked nonchalantly as he stood up and crossed the room. I felt something soft hit me in the leg and looked down realizing it was my underwear. I instantly felt embarrassed and confused by what just happened and quickly put them on.

“But… you don’t want anything from me?” I asked quietly.“You seemed stressed, I’m good at helping with that.” He answered me nonchalantly.

“Do you have a coat with you? I think it’s starting to get cold out.” He was acting like nothing even happened. Confused on how to proceed, I answered him.

“No, I didn't bring one with me.”

“I have one you can borrow.” He said while reaching for the coats on the back of his door.

“Is there any way we can go out like a back door or something? I don’t want to face Jordan.” Apparently this question made him mad.

“Why wouldn’t you want Jordan to see us together?”

“I don’t know, I just don’t want them to think I’m like Emily. This isn’t me, I don’t do stuff like this.” I said gesturing to his room.

“What do you mean by ‘stuff like this’? Do you mean you don’t usually sleep with guys like me?” His tone had turned from careless to pissed in seconds.

“I don’t sleep with guys in general.” I said point blank. “What Emily said was basically true.” I was embarrassed to admit this as I sat back down on his bed willing myself not to cry.

“Wait, are you actually a virgin?” He asked confused.

No I’m not a virgin, the other thing she said is true.”

“I don’t understand, you’re a prude? I would say what we just did proves otherwise.” Laying back I stared up at his ceiling as the tears started to silently pour effectively ruining my makeup. I silently wished I was back at my dorm staring at my own ceiling covered in planets.

“I’m not a virgin, but I have only been with one other guy. It was when I was much younger than I am now. It ended badly and I really don’t want to talk about it.” I was fully crying now and Jessie had noticed.

“Hey, we don’t have to go downstairs if you don’t want to. We can smoke out my window. I think I might have a bottle of whiskey in my closet somewhere just give me a sec.” Whiskey wasn’t usually something I drank but I needed something to help calm my brain. After a few seconds Jessie emerged from the closet on the other side of his room with a pack of smokes and a bottle of unopened whiskey. Sitting in front of the window I took note of his rickety fire escape ladder.

“Is it okay if I stay here tonight? I don’t really want to go home and face Jordan.” The embarrassment was clear in my voice.

“Yeah sure I don’t care, I have a shirt you can wear to bed if you want.” We had walked over to the window together and he lit a cigarette with the lighter that he’d ripped out of my hand a few days ago.

“So are you ever going to tell me what’s so special about that lighter?” Deep down I kind of already knew what he was going to tell me, loss recognized loss.

“It was my fathers, it’s just about the only thing I have left of him.” He snapped the lighter closed loudly after he puffed his cigarette to life, placing it safely in his pocket.

Not wanting to elaborate too much on this conversation I pulled the bottle of whiskey out of his hands and took a full sip. We spent the next 20 minutes sharing the bottle and cigarette. I finally started to yawn and shiver at the same time signaling I was ready for bed.

“Are you tired? You can lay down on my bed if you want to.” I was sleepier than I realized.

“Do you have that shirt I can wear to bed? I don’t want to ruin another dress of Jordan’s.”

“Yeah sure.” He made his way over to the closet and pulled out a black T-shirt.

“You think it will be long enough to cover my legs?”

“Trust me, this is all you're going to need. Did you forget how much taller I am than you?” He gestured down.

“Yeah I guess you're right.” I moved to sit down on his bed, my shoes were starting to hurt my feet. I finally got the straps free and they clunked against the ground loudly as I let them fall off my feet.

“Could you help me with this dress? It needs to be unzipped in the back.” Jessie moved towards me and sat down behind me, carefully unzipped my dress and unsnapping my bra at the same time. “Thank you, could you turn around for a second while I change?”

“I don’t really see the point in that.” He said with a smile. “But if it makes you feel better I’ll do it.”

I pulled Jordan’s white dress down and let it fall to my feet, standing in only my underwear. I glanced over at Jessie and realized that he hadn't actually turned around. I quickly picked up the shirt he had given me and pulled it over my head.

“You said you wouldn’t look.” I was embarrassed, he had probably seen a lot of girls that looked better than I did naked.

“I don’t know why you’re so shy, you have an amazing body.” The words flew out of his mouth quickly and I could tell that he didn’t actually mean to say them. Not wanting to elaborate on the conversation I sat down on his bed and pulled the blanket up to my chest. He stood up and walked across the room to shut the overhead light off. Sitting down next to me he reached for the bedside lamp but I quickly grabbed his hand.

“Is it okay if we leave that light on.. I can’t sleep in the dark.” This was the first time I’d been forced to admit that to anyone other than Jordan. I could tell this had caught him off guard.

“Yeah sure, is it okay if I turn the tv on? I sleep better with some background noise.” Reaching across me across me he grabbed the remote and turned the t.v on low.

“There’s one other thing I have to tell you before we go to bed, sometimes I get nightmares and they make me toss and turn in my sleep. If you notice it happening just gently shake me until I wake up and I’ll stop.” This was the second thing I’d only ever told Jordan and I wondered if he was judging me or if he even believed me at all.

“What are your nightmares about?” This question surprised me and I wasn’t going to answer it truthfully. “Nothing, I’m only telling you so I don’t bother you tonight. Are you sure you don’t want me to just sleep on the floor? Trust me I’ve slept in worse places.” I was being truthful with this answer, but I knew he didn’t know enough about me yet to believe that.

“Will you stop trying to get away from me?” He pulled me close to him with one swift movement and I finally allowed myself to relax a little. My back was pressed firmly against his chest and I could feel his warmth radiating through my thin shirt. Snuggling myself tightly against him I felt the warm tickle of his breathing against my neck as I slowly drifted off to sleep.

-

I was in a dimly lit room and the panic in my chest constricted my ability to cry out. Glancing to my left I realized that she was here with me and my fear quickly turned to desperation. I needed to be brave for her.

Moving towards her I placed her head in my lap. “It’s only a dream, just close your eyes and it will be over before you know it.” I gently stroked her hair as the water began to pool around us. We choked as it rose to a level that was above our heads. With my last breath I spoke aloud to her,

I love you.